Sexual Fantasies: Am I Normal?
While it’s easy for most men to identify their “largest” sexual organ, it may not seem as easy
for women to do so. But in fact, the largest sexual organ is the same in both men and
women—the brain! As the starting point for the feelings we experience when we are attracted
to someone, the brain is also the place that controls the release of chemical hormones
responsible for orgasm. The brain is also what enables the clitoris to be something other than
just an extra piece of tissue. If your brain is not in the mood for sex, having an orgasm will
likely be impossible. Need something to give your brain a boost? Having sexual fantasies is a
way to get our brain and entire bodies in the mood for sex.
Sexual fantasies are normal, natural and healthy. In fact, they are about as common as the
act itself, with about 95% of both men and women reporting having sexual fantasies. Men's
fantasies tend to be more visual and get to the sex acts more quickly. Women's involve more
foreplay and more tactile stimulation. Women's fantasies tend to focus in on the relationship
dynamics between characters, while men's can often be about impersonal sexual escapades.
The common thread between the two though is that both sexes fantasize most often about
being intimate with their current partner.
Whether you have been with your partner for many years, or are just starting a relationship
with a new one, fantasies are a way to decrease anxiety about sex and increase sexual
interest and arousal. By tapping into our own imagination about sexual desire and enjoyment,
we can utilize our most erotic sense organ.
Common Sexual Fantasies
Being Sexually Desirable: There are very few women in society who do not desire to be
found attractive by someone. In a woman’s personal fantasies, one person or an entire
football stadium full of people can find her attractive. A woman can choose to look or dress in
any manner she likes. She can be nude or provocatively dressed in public. Her mannerism
can be blatantly sexual; perhaps even by doing so she wins the attentions of a famous or
powerful person. And in a fantasy—anything goes!
Romantic Sex: Women often fantasize about being seduced and carried away on
horseback, or the equivalent there of. These fantasies may not include penetration and oral
sex, but they are sexually arousing nevertheless. Romance novels are to women what
Playboy is to men, sexual stimulation for the mind.
Surrender of Control: This type of fantasy allows women to be sexual without being
responsible for their actions. If you are being tied up, you are not in control of what happens
to you and must do whatever is required of you. If you are not in control, you still remain a
"good girl" even during the naughtiest of sex. These fantasies allow women to be openly
sexual and explore different aspects of their sexuality, something many women cannot do in
real life. While in the fantasy they are not in control, and in reality they are, which is what sets
it apart from an actual sexual experience.
Pure Romance by Kathy Kovak
Sr. Director ~ Board Member ~ #3660
586-662-0021 ♥ www.prtoylady.com ♥ prbykathy@yahoo.com
Sexual Fantasies: Am I Normal?
Girl/Girl Sex: While often referred to as "Lesbian Sex" it is not appropriate to refer to such a
fantasy in that manner. Fantasizing about or actually participating in sex with another woman
does not automatically make you a lesbian. Lesbianism is a sexual orientation, more than
physical sex between two women. There must also be an emotional aspect, and sexual
desire. Women are usually seen as soft, gentle, loving, and romantic, which is not usually
how men are perceived. A woman may desire these things in her sex life. She may feel that
since a woman has the same anatomy she will be a better lover and more in tune with her
needs. Even though a woman is not sexually attracted to other women she may be attracted
to these "feminine" qualities.
Sex with a Stranger: If you have sex with a total stranger whom you will never see again,
you can be openly sexual without fear of being labeled. As with the above mentioned,
"Surrender of Control," stranger sex allows women to be sexual when real life circumstances
may prevent it. If your sexual partner is faceless, you do not have to worry about facing them
afterwards. In addition, having sex with a stranger or a person you just met can often times
be naughty.
Past Experiences or Partners: If it worked in the past it is likely to work again, at least in
your mind. Remembering a special or unusual sexual experience can be very arousing.
Sometimes it is fantasizing about what you could have done or what you wished had
happened during a previous situation that excites you. Perhaps a previous partner was better
at sex than your current partner. Remembering your "wilder days" can add spice to your
current “humdrum” sexual experiences.
Acquaintances: Women respond to visual stimulation too. They can be aroused by the
momentary visual image of someone, male or female, they meet or see. A woman may see a
person and find them sexually attractive, and as a result, she imagines having sex with them.
This is a safe way of “exploring” sex with different partners, without having to actually do so.
Bad Girls: Women who are "good girls" in real life may like to imagine what it is like to be
openly sexual, or what they may view as a “bad girl”. They may fantasize that they are an
exotic dancer or a women who is "required" to be sexual as part of her identity. A woman may
fantasize that she is dressed in a sexually provocative manner in a room full of attractive
men, and perhaps even women.
Being in Charge: As women have taken on an increasingly dominant role in our society,
more women are taking a dominant role in their sex lives. They are calling the shots and
controlling what happens. They may selfishly use men and women for their pleasure, at least
in their fantasies. No more damsels in distress for these women. They are the heroine of their
fantasies. These fantasies allow women to explore the role of being the dominant person
during sex. They get what they want, using whatever means it takes.
Ouch! That Feels So Good: There is a thin line between pain and pleasure, and the
hormones released during sex and pain may blur that line considerably. The pain perceived
Pure Romance by Kathy Kovak
Sr. Director ~ Board Member ~ #3660
586-662-0021 ♥ www.prtoylady.com ♥ prbykathy@yahoo.com
Sexual Fantasies: Am I Normal?
during fantasies can be anything from the mild discomfort of a bare bottomed spanking for
being naughty, causing significant, but in some individual’s cases, pleasurable pain.
Sometimes the pain is “punishment” for being sexually naughty. Women who fantasize about
being spanked or punished were often times not spanked or physically punished as a child,
contrary to popular belief, they may just enjoy the physical sensations caused by the physical
stimulation.
After looking through the above list, or thinking about your own fantasies, you can see that
women fantasize about EVERYTHING. There is no specific time that women fantasize
(although it is not appropriate to do so while doing things such as driving). It is perfectly
acceptable, and healthy, to recognize yourself as both a romantic and sexual person. Having
sexual fantasies, no matter what they are about, is a part of being healthy, sexually. In order
to enjoy sex to its fullest potential, women must accept the fact that they are sexual beings.
We should not discourage ourselves from enjoying aspects of our sexuality that contribute to
our identity just because it is something that may be a little different than what we are used
to. It is still normal!
It is important to remember though, that sexual fantasies are in fact, just that: fantasies. While
some women may express their fantasies to their partner and/or get to act on them, this
should only be done when there is complete trust in the relationship and consensual
agreement to the fantasy. If you are worried that your fantasy may be causing problems or
difficulty in your relationship, consider the following questions:
• Does the fantasy lead to risky or dangerous behavior?
• Does the fantasy feel out of control or compulsive?
• Is the content of the fantasy disturbing?
• Does the fantasy hinder recovery or personal growth?
• Does the fantasy lower my self-esteem or block self-acceptance?
• Does the fantasy distance me from my real-life partner?
• Does the fantasy harm my intimate partner or anyone else?
• Does the fantasy cause sexual problems?
• Does the fantasy really belong to someone else?
While the majority of those who do fantasize will have worry-free sexual fantasies, it is
important to utilize available resources if this is not the case. Many sex therapists have
experience in dealing with sexual fantasies and can offer information or help if necessary. To
find a certified sexual therapist in your area, visit www.aasect.org.
Pure Romance by Kathy Kovak
Sr. Director ~ Board Member ~ #3660
586-662-0021 ♥ www.prtoylady.com ♥ prbykathy@yahoo.com