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11305FID.MIN Fiddlers Roam while Bonkers Burn


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									        11305FID.BON                                                                   1

11305FID.MIN From Ms Minerva Miniskirt, Minister of Truth to the Free Colombian Trade Federation, live from the
       Palais d’|Orleans on the Isle de Belsize.

                         Fiddlers Roam while Bonkers Burn

        This is Minnie Miniskirt, Minister of Truth, back from the Even More Remote Galaxies, where Jamie’s
        Adjustment Bureau has met with an intussusception- something like that -an into-septum, an inverse hole
        in the universe. It economically expands inwards. Faced with a seven minute warning, when all more
        sophisticated witchcraft failed, our heroic Newlings sealed it up in the fashion of the Belgii, pushed it
        back out and sealed it with a wad of chewing gum and an injection of Economic Growth Hormone. The
        eminent Dinosaur Scientist, Dr. Nho, is going to pop over to see if he can think up something more
        permanent, less economically growthful. So the honkies need not worry themselves over trivia when
        faced with the greater threat of the face-saving lunacy of their pretend leaders and reduced to blaming us
        and the mad Sphingian dictator.

        Ophelia, still Bonnie Parker in honkiland, is back in pommiland. Ophelia chose only to pass onto you the
        earlier part of the live transmission that I had left in her hands when I was volunteered to report on the
        cosmic crisis in the EMRGs. I can’t see what Ophelia thought was wrong with it. Maybe Ophelia is not
        familiar with honkispeak usages in our Federation. Her summary, at least as long as my own
        presentation, may be more an expression of her own thoughts rather than mine. There are a few
        misleading errors in my text– not many – We keep sabotage by the pinkies to a minimum...but they
        currently remain uncorrected. There is a provision for ‘amended originals’ in the National Library,
        provided by the original author, in which what are definitely mistakes or misprints at time of
        transmission are corrected, but without additions and improvements or attempts to convey the same
        message in a different manner. If we had time to produce them, the honkiland punters would be able to
        procure copies in some to them familiar language. The punters may find what I present a little out of
        date. . Herod is no longer news. Honkies may perhaps not recall that yesterday they were hot and
        bothered about Herod and before that it was Saladin, who I thought was some sort of ancestor of Ozzie
        bin Ladin.. but they say this Saladin is a Krud. Maybe Ozzie is a Krud. Before that it was King Obonga
        of the Saint Pancras Islands, (which were‘discovered’ by Captain Thomas Cook on the Fest of Saint

        Yesterday, that Herod, stripped of his powers by the King of Italy, was a thoroughly bad sort, was on
        everybody’s lips. Before that, though that was now forgotten, Herod was the great hero and protector of
        the pinkies from the fanatics of Apolllyon, Mahmoud and Termagant. You don’t seem to be making a
        very good job, Pinkies, of averting the retribution of Termagant. But today nobody even remembers that
        Herod exists. Today it is Gemel Nasser. Maybe by the time this gets out it will be Abraham or Mustaffa
        Camel… though the pinkie hacks, or whoever was priming them, made it clear all along that the pinkie
        pirates were after Nasser, even if the audience didn’t cotton on - and maybe, by the time this gets out, a
        few of the pinkies’ quodlings, even without any change of script, have been hit by friendly fire. Or it
        could be this chap Ninja Turdle, though he is no longer currently active, who will be the new pariah. I see
        he is moving up the hit parade of amended memories. This Ninja, no doubt, as they all are, is pinkified,
        and a lawyer trained at the Thacthograd Institute of Economics. Ninja’s last act in his recent
        incarnation was to engineer the euthanasia of millions of our sisters in Pakiland or Indiland, or whatever
        they call it, to further political or ecclesiastical ambition. When they’ve finished with Turtlle and Camel
        they’ll need someone else. So Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi had better watch out.

        I see that by some manner the report to the King of Italy from the new Italian gubernator of the
        Tetrarchy, the Philistinian warlord, Moshe Dayan, appears at the end of the now anachronistic delayed
        bulletin from Ophelia, originally mine, which I will shortly be transmitting. Moshe’s report is a historical
        document of even greater significance than a wonkileak and I have therefore allowed it to remain...even
        though it does seem to appear as an afterthought. Mr. ‘Crocodile’ Duncannon has requested the
        opportunity to deliver a brief pep talk about Newcomen’s Steam Engine, or something of the sort... a
        kettle with a lever attached to the knob on the lid. When Crocodile has said his piece..which coincides
11305FID.BON                                                                        2

with the interview with Dame Katie Price on our fashion channel ..I’ll skim through the Stop Press, if
there is any, and the wait will then have been worthwhile because we have here with us..that is her on the
carpet over there expressing her gratitude to Lizilith. Sister Theresa Jasmine, grand-daughter of the
Mad Dictator, Gemel Nasser, who will be given the opportunity to tell you how delighted she is to have
been kidnapped by he heroic Special Forces of our Federal Gymnastics Team. Then the main course,
what remains of my transmission prior to my departure which Ophelia chose not to present to you..and
Moshe’s diplomatic cable to the King of Italy.

This is Crocodile Duncannon. If anyone in honkiland remains familiar with my name it is in the context of my
being rumoured to be Gloriana‟s macho progenitor. Celery, formerly Cyril Lord, Karpet Kwean to the pommie
Daneland‟s Sirdar Corporation, is similarly rumoured to be Dahlia‟s male progenitor. Early reports suggested
that Celery had been discovered at Gloria‟s Domestic Market not by Fanny but by her mother, Lila..but it
turned out that Fanny and Fatima had formed a previous acquaintance with Celery ,who, like Fanny, resembles
Robin Loxley , during their visits to Cordelia in honkiland. I arrived at Gloria‟s domestic market with a crowd
of pommies, delegation of Pommie Power of which I am Antipodean Chief Engineer and Director. My
colleagues, I suppose, had no time for me..nor for the resplendent rays of Sol and comely wenches..except that
they were forced to put with it and not badly rewarded in perks.. as they were baking in the heat, phoning up
their agents to put in a claim for the fees of the skin cancer clinic, surrounded by a whole lot of naked wogs,
they were muttering that I was inappropriately dressed for the office, was letting the side down, should have
hired an outfit from Mossad Brothers, elite tailors of Warsawa. I knew nothing about the Amazons and did not
even know that I was an Amazon. But Fatima spotted me right away and my fate was sealed..not that I have any
complaints. Maybe Fatima‟s adoptive mother, Gloria, would have been less co-operative had I not been an
Amazon and had I not been the inventor of the Tardis. The Tardis and the updated version, the Celerior, it turns
out, resemble devices long known to the Dinosaurs and, by their standards, primitive and simplistic. But at the
time we had few spaceships and rarely undertook journeys of more than a few million light-years. If an
accomplished expatriate Inca witch arrives in the Maltesas it is a foregone conclusion that some comely wench
is going to spot her. There is no point in asking what Gloria‟s reaction might have been had she fallen for a
macho who was not a witch with a role to play in our Federation. That does not happen. Everything in
Incaland is determined by the Design of Lizilith and whatever Lizilith decides is always in the interests of our
Federation. Fatima tells me that a hundred years ago I would just have been eate, murdered and raped and
there would have been no living happily ever after. I tell her that a hundred years ago I would have been an
invincible pirate with a fire-stick.

Cordelia suggested that I volunteer to pop down to Uncle Boris‟s olive plantation, Mandie Muscaria in the
Sphingian Brotherhood, to instal the automation, which is available should it be needed, and to check on
reports that there have been outbreaks of acute honkiform mental illness amongst the Haitian degenerates
whom we are generously permitting to assist us and to whom we are providing sustenance just as if they were
sisters. I picked up Ho Ho Ho, the Chinese Minister of Munificence – of investment and distribution – on the
way. Ho was returning from pommiland, where he had been marketing investment sites in the Mongolian
Desert, had been engaged in diplomatic discussions at the Sauna at the Greenwich Palais and had attended a
reception organised in his honour by Mr.Langdon Down of the London Hospital Freemason‟s Lodge. If
honkilanders encounter Ho Ho Ho they have cause to be contented. If they don‟t toe the line, Ho retires from
the scene and they have to put up with the ChineseMinister of Finance, Mr.Grim. Ho is said not to be „Chinese‟
but a „Mongol‟ and accomplished polyglot linguist, whereas Mr Grim is always accompanied by dozens of
heavily armed interpreters. Ho arranged for several crates of ice-cream to be distributed to the |Haitians but it
had all melted during the journey from Cathay.. or maybe previously.

I returned to our Federation from honkiland when I heard about the hole in the universe. An Amazon, of
course, is expected to cope with what the degenerates would call danger and if she does uundergo some
eventuality which amongst honkies qualifies them to enter Valhalla, the witches put her together again.
Nevertheless, you will never find all the Inca witches whoare noted for some similar skills together in the same
place. I then called on Mycroft who was performing calculations on his computers in his laboratory at Villa
bin Ladin on Knossos..not that Mycroft has any need for computers. The most high-powered and sophisticated
mechanical computers, when they cannot cope with a computation, band together and buy a Mycroft. Later,
after the Newlings had left, I visited the site with Fanny and Dr Nho and some other eminent Dinosaur witches.

I did not use the Tardis to prolong my stay in honkiland as I was returning to the Federation. Professors
writing in Nature Magazine sometimes suggest that it is possible to be in two different places at the same time.
This is misleading. You can label two points, if you like, as „the same time‟, but two differing points in space-
11305FID.BON                                                                         3

time are two differing points in space-time. At any rate, it would not be safe to operate on a hole in the universe
if you, or the instruments you were manipulating on the site, were not actually there.

I did therefore not remain long enough to witness any severe outbreaks of mental disorder amongst the
Haitians, if these, in fact, did take place. The plane carrying the paparazzi from pinkiland had been delayed.
But I had discussions with the local Amazons and Haitians and with Ho Ho Ho and, as Cordelia suggested,
popped over to pommiland to consult Milor Cromer, President of the Banco di Pommiland and his Deputy, who,
in the tradition of Deputies, goes round with a her great arsenal of fire-arms tucked into belt, Bonnie Parker,
who is also Chief Priestess of the Loonie Brigade. The Haitians informed me that they had heard that they were
required to „create trouble‟ but it was not clear to them at this stage what trouble and why.. not that the why
need to them be a great issue.. so long as they are provided with some slogan such as „No to Sand in the
Desert‟or „Toothfairy Now!‟. The Haitians also informed us.. or so they believed...that the natives of the
Sphingian Brotherhood are in a minority. None of the brothers do any work while everything is done by the
illegal immigrants. The brothers are, every week, all paid a great fortune by the mad dictator and have nothing
to do with their time other watch pinkie television programmes. Because of this indolent and irresponsible
existence it would be very easy for the brothers to be led into causing trouble.

My sojourn in ponkiland was more informative. Milor Kromer and Bonnie Parker both complained that there
had been a great outbreak of „lack of objectivity‟, and that punters were unable to appreciate that they were in
possession of little information, to absorb reports for whose authenticity was not proved and to conjure
dangerous fantasies and these fantasies or something worse were then liable to become fact.. or the ensuing
disaster would be interpreted as consistent with the fantasy. This is of course a well-known intellectual
limitation of the honkie. But these bonkers seemed to be blaming also us. “It is much more complicated than
you suppose”, I was told, “There are more factors than of which the Amazons seem aware” We were informed
that the terrorists were trying very cunningly to steer the pommies through, not just a bunch of blundering
idiots... though they were not expected to succeed. Milor Cromer is much more voluble in the Sauna than he is
in his official persona, in which he slavishly recites the Nu Laeba credo. He was going on the trouble was all
caused by the „failure to regulate the bancos‟- ie the failure to leave him in charge. He is referring to the Nu
Laeba policies of low interest rates and giving away money to put up the price of houses which are going to
cause „another crisis‟ because, just as before, this brings great losses to the bancos when they revise what they
have written up as their pretended great profits. .. as before..via the accountancy that Gloria has explained to
you before, during and after... computing unreceived interest, itself even paid a loss because lower than
inflation as profit .. Bonnie went on about us interpreting events on the assumption that pommiland had no olive
oil of its own. It imported soya oil from the so-called Republic of Colombia and Croton Oil from the Maltesas.
Mr. Nikodemos „Uncle Boris‟ Nikodemopoulos‟s International Olives owned an organic genetically
engineered sunflower plantation on the Isle of Wight and paid fixed prices and paid taxes to the pommie
terrorists not in pommie pfunt but in honkie euros. The devaluation of the pommie pfunt increased the income
of the terrorists in greenspam and honkie euros (She meant not that,but pommie pfunt). The economy of
pommiland closely resembles that of the Sphingian Brotherhood. This sounded like reassurance and praise for
the pommie terrorists – and the punters – but I have an inkling that Bonnie neither meant it that way nor
expected me to think I did.

However, the more general picture in pommiland was that of their toytown fantasy world. Their view of world
news is that it consists of soap operas and Dame Katie Price. They get very emotional about the rights and
wrongs of some imaginary person on C oronation Street .. and to them it seems all clear cut. They respond to
these stories about the film extras yelling on the agorai as if they and the actors were supporters of some
football team. Indeed, the film extras in the plazas resemble the crowd at a football match... except that the
football crowds are more numerous. Nobody knows anything about what goes on in any of these places called
Tripolis. But they have got the idea that empty headed film extras are On Our Side. The Pommies repeat the
most ludicrous propaganda and tell us: “The Ayatollahs told us this. The Ayatollahs told us that” and What the
Ayatollahs tell is precisely what the Aytatollahs might be expected to tell if they were making it all up. The
punters identify whatever may or may not being going on with set-piece ideas. This behaviour of the film extras
is akin to the yankie children who murder en masse their classmates. There is an epidemic of irrational
behaviour amongst the stupid pinkies copying what they see and hear on television. Some of our informants
insisted there was a „technological‟ or „technologically induced‟ revolution.. synonymous, surely with
brainwashing... and the technology turned out to be „The Photo Gallery‟[, a medium for imbeciles. They have
images that there exists some „revolution‟, with „freedom fighters‟ who resemble Amazons defending themselves
against the pirates. But it is nothing of the sort. This is just the kindergarten acting out an urge put in their
heads, children whose survival still depends on the Nanny. ] „Who then is to be the next mad dictator?‟ „How
should I know? It‟s not in the script.‟ „The army is defecting to the freedom fighters. Well..er..not
11305FID.BON                                                                       4

exactly..There is no leader, no organisation, and nobody has thought out any objective than mad dictator must
go‟. If the pommies were told „It is the rebels who are our side, not the freedom fighers‟ then they would
believe that insteade stories. They have heard all these stories, exactly, verbatim, with the same authentic
photographs, before. If it is about whoever happens to be currently Our Side, the n the stories are believed, but
if it comes from the Enemy and is about themselves, then that is propaganda believed by nobody. Yet, in fact,
from their more rational point of view, the mad tyrants are Our Side...the Pinkies‟ Side.. They are all pinkie
quodlings.. Although there is much to suggest a put up job...indeed, it is obviously that.. a mob worked up with
a feelgoodie factor, and there is much to suggest that the effectiveness of the brainwashing has been limited or
slow off the ground...but we do not know into what follies the honkie may be dragged .. and this psychosis is not
going to help the Haitians to whom we have extended our charity. Employers in honkiland formerly thought
that it was the local population that might rebel and, therefore, imported illegal immigrants.. but it seems now
that may be coming to suppose more realistically that illegal immigrants are the agents of enemies of the

What has come in? Quite a lot....I’ll just mention a few items on the list before I play the recording of my
previously untransmitted lived broadcast. I have here a request from the Supreme Ayatollah. I had
supposed that the Murdoch of Themoni is the Supreme Ayatollah, but this could be someone else. It
might be nobody at all, some person who does not exist, some clever guy who has been sending texts and
emails to the humbler ayatollahs, who must obey. It would just be like the pinkies for them to be
flattened by the siren call of someone who does not exist.

 If you got an email from Godzilla you would certainly have to obey and everyone else would have to
obey. This had led to the Grand Ayatollah requesting our Federation…’Dear Princess Fatima…’. I’ll
pass it onto her, or to her younger sister, Sabrina, here, or whatever her name is. Here, Soraya, you can
have it now. We are being requested by the Grand Ayatollah to supply him with Houris. The Ayatollahs
are ordered to instruct the army of nomadic mercenary slaves, who have, in their voyage to secure the
promised land, been unexpectedly delayed in the Sphingian Brotherhood., when they have paid their
respects to Lizilith on the holy day, to repair to the agora to carry placards, yell and to get their photos
taken. If they are delayed, Lesbia informs me, that is because they have sinned. It easy enough to
identify the sin. It is illegal to carry placards on the holy day. It is a lapidatory offence. Your foreign
slaves have to carry placards. But the faithful are the foreign slaves and they are hit by an incongruity,
an original sin. This has given our Iman Idi Amin the opportunity, at long last, to get his own back on the
Grand Ayatallah and, for a change, to pronounce an Al Fatta, or whatever it is called on him. But their
sins are forgiven if in their enthusiasm in the agora they encounter peaceful retribution and find
themselves blown up. They are then promised a fast track entry to paradise where they will be
entertained by houris. But it is just possible that there may not be enough houris, houris for
heros..todays heros, we are instructed, outnumber all those of past ages added together. .. and according
to a calculation provided by the private consultancy service of Professor Pythagoras, that means that the
same has to be true of houris. The GA feels he may be obliged to recruit illegal immigrants for houri
duty .. and that, also, will avert the danger of the houris taking advantage of the situation and going on
strike for higher wages.

Regretfully, a comely twenty two stone Amazon is not every honkies notion of paradise and the squaws
we have available for houri duty are not only alive but suppose that paradise is a bowl of tomatoes. Your
Christina Rosetti supposed it was a bowl of cherries or an apple tree laden with fruit. If in pommiland
you have heard of Christina Rosetti that proves you are homicidal loner. That is because she is in fact
wrong. It is not cherries, not applies, but tomatoes. The GA should keep in mind that his heros may
have to put up with this houri for a very long time. If he is supplied with one of our squaws the novelty
may rapidly wear off. The GA is advised to apply to the arch necromancer and warlock for life of Haiti,
the Poppadom Jacques Duvalier who is currently on leave, moonlighting as headmaster of the Hogwars
Academy in Anglesey.

The news from honkiland is a bit weird. It can never be uncritically believed, but I will tell you what I
have been told. The bankcrupt Nu Laeba terrorists, to whom we have leant many thousands of millions,
now pretendt to be too noble to accept our gifts of money… But instead it is OK for them to steal it. Ms.
Diane Abbott has humbly apologised and resigned from her appointment of secretary of the Women’s
11305FID.BON                                                                     5

Voluntary Service at Homerton Hospital because she accepted a donation from our Mme Pandora
‘Moma Doc’ Nicodemopoula for a purchase of a new scalpel for the surgical department. Our
expatriate sisters in Hackney Borough in Thatchograd will now, if they are foolish enough to run to
honkie sorcerers for the removal of their benign lumps, have to provide their own scalpels.

Nobody in pommiland had previously an unkind word to say about Moma Doc. But following the
propaganda that broke out yesterday, a survey conducted for Mr. Clever Dick has discovered that two
pommies out of three claim to have seen Moma Doc on the streets of pommiland, in the company of
Gemel Nasser, murdering babies. The henchmen of the Charmer Chameleon, whose entire country is in
hock to our Federation, this morning seized the last gold bullion in pommiland from a taxi outside the
Banco Belsize Cayman International on Threadneedle Street, claming that it was owed in damages to
some one-parent family who claims that she has been permanently damaged because she witnessed, in the
centre of Croydon, Moma Doc strangling a cat and posting it in a pillar box to Gemel Nasser. Why
should she do that? The Abba Sphinx would get a note in three weeks time that the package is waiting at
the sorting office thirty miles away and than discover that he had to pay postage due because it was fat
cat. ‘We’ve put it into the mangle and it won’t go through. So there is an extra charge. ‘ The charmer
says that we are waging an illegal war on pommiland, that the ‘illicit’ no fly zone has created such a
shortage of Beelzebubs that a mountain of faeces is towering above Epping Desert. It is also a ‘breach
of international law’ that we have nationalised the oceans of Terra. We are, according to the Italians,
the daughters of Neptune and have taken control of our territorial waters to protect the honkies. We will
retaliate for the theft of the gold bar by only targeting a limited number of purely military targets
without civilian casualties… wth no casualties whasoever… But we may take some time find him and
rescue him from the Ayatollahs and the punters. He is always prancing all over Terra so doesn’t get
caught. It would be a shock for him to learn that nobody outside pommiland has even heard of him.
But we can supply the pommies with film extras to replace their useless elections and also some professors
for their Thatchograd Academy of Economics trained at Medusa’s business school.

Beware of the Charmer Chameleon! The Other Guy is learning his lesson. At the recent Orpington
bye-election he gleaned a total of three votes… less than the number of nominees for his candidature.
These imaginary leaders of pommiland are all play actors and go on a training course ..looking up
‘leader’ on the internet. You have to be a prefect at Saint Trinians, it says, wear the uniform and bully
the little boys and trick them when necessary and serve the Headmaster. You have to strut around in the
approved leader manner. They get lessons from Laurence Olivier. They have must be imparted with
the wisdom of experts and must be heard to recite the Public Opinion, the delusions of the ayatollahs and
pundits. They decided that they wished the Charmer to be President and that to make friends and
influence people he and the charmer had to unite. The people did not want a ‘split parliament’ – which
is precisely what they wanted. That is why they voted for the Other Guy.. and the Other Guy has
betrayed them by proving to be a toady-leader from Saint Trinians..though really you could never tell the
one from the other. So maybe instead of the quadrennial re-election that the Charmer is plotting he
should abide by the recipe he has prescribed for everyone else.. that elections should be ignored and that
the President should be elected by foreign film extras chanting in the market place. The Charmer and his
lackies are now blaming us and the Abba Sphinx for the inflationary ruin they have brought upon the

Maybe they only say that it is said that Diane has performed this dastardly deed. If she has, she needs to
reminded that we provided the money not for the Nu Laeba Terrorists but for the punters who imagine
they will gain some benefit for the skills of the sorcerers. She similarly is not there to flatter the vanity
of the Charmer Chameleon and his hypocritical Provos but to serve and protect the punters. Pandora
and Gemel have never done anyone any harm. What paymaster of the Provos has not!

Maybe they only say that it is said that Diane has performed this dastardly deed. If she has, she needs to
reminded that we provided the money not for the Nu Laeba Terrorists but for the punters who imagine
they will gain some benefit for the skills of the sorcerers. She similarly is not there to flatter the vanity
of the Charmer Chameleon and his hypocritical Provos but to serve and protect the punters. Pandora
and Gemel have never done anyone any harm. What paymaster of the Provos has not!
11305FID.BON                                                                      6

Maybe they only say that it is said that Diane has performed this dastardly deed. If she has, she needs to
reminded that we provided the money not for the Nu Laeba Terrorists but for the punters who imagine
they will gain some benefit for the skills of the sorcerers. She similarly is not there to flatter the vanity
of the Charmer Chameleon and his hypocritical Provos but to serve and protect the punters. Pandora
and Gemel have never done anyone any harm. What paymaster of the Provos has not!

Sister Theresa Jasmine, following a brief lapse of Tardis Dyskinesia, is settling down here and enjoying
herself following her heroic rescue from the rebels loyal to her grandfather, the evil tyrant Gemel Nasser
of the Sphingian Brotherhood, by the Special Forces of our Federal Gymnastics Team. But the one
hundred and twenty so-called refugees applying for political asylum hoping to scrounge on us in our
Federation can get lost”

You have only yourselves to blame. You should have thought of that when you started it. You and the Pinkies.

Hows that, Jasmine? Well… I suppose we were getting a bit bored with the news from honkiland.. but
the best of intentions go astray. It is easy to understimate the stupidity of the pinkies. I have a grand-
daughter too… I am surprised… delighted,, that you so enjoyed Haha’s ballet performance…

Oh! That! On the Russki World Servie… From the Big Ballet House in Moskva…It wasn’t too bad, I suppose.
Serves as a distraction. Maybe Haha might wish to put on a performance for the punters in the Plaza in
Tripolis. Everybody is showering them with bread and circuses. So we might as well get into the act. Maybe I
ought to nip back to the Sphingian Republic to get it arranged…

You wouldn’t wish to do that would you… so soon? Now that you are safe and happy in the Maltesas?

What makes you say that…?

There’s this text you sent to you sent to your great-aunt, Olivia Oyl, the Sphyngian commander of

What text is that?

‘Here exceedingly lovely place. Healthy environment. Likeable People. Haha’s excellent Lysystra
Performance: great entertainment, tremendous music, exquisite oratorio, unparallelled technique.
Outstanding finale. …Here everything really excellent!

Have you been intercepting my emails? Some places you could be stoned to death for that…

Amsterdam probably. It’s for your protection. All messages to and from non-citizens are monitored.
Unanimous resolution of the Senate, following unanimous vote in the plebiscite. For your own
protection. We have a responsibility to our guests. If it turns out that your fellow honkilanders are
plotting against you, it is our duty to avert their machinations within our Federation.

I did not ask for protection. Doesn’t that figure in your democracy? I have not asked you read my e-mails.

That figures, of course. You are perfectly at liberty to opt out. You can deposit a text in writing and
hand it in to a student on postal duty for the Rugger Team and it will be despatched to the destination
you state via broadband wormhole without record or interception….

Yes! I am very reluctant to leave. But if it is my duty to your Federation? Would an Amazon be so
agarophobic when faced with her duty towards her sisters…?

That is very brave, generous and self-sacrificing of you… and that might save us a lot of trouble. But are
you an Inca and are you fully dehonkified? You may have noticed in Cordelia’s Little Green Book that
Saint Mandie reminds us that it is not Amazon tradition to enrol the honkies for treachery against
honkiland. A traitor is a traitor… A traitor cannot be trusted…Loyalty to sisters, Saint Mandie
reminds us, is Lizilith’s design also for honkies.. even though they do not respect the Design…
11305FID.BON                                                                        7

Well..if you suppose that the needs of my sisters are not the needs of yours… and, of course, now that I am here
I would prefer to stay…in such delightful surroundings, and in such congenial company…. Very much prefer to
remain…and I would be putting myself in great danger on behalf of your Federation and your sisters…. But, I
suppose, if it is essential… though I think not… Not against such odds… but, then, maybe I ought… We
mustn’t shirk from duty….

We are expected to volunteer… but not where that would be irrational… where the danger is
forbidding… But is there really such danger? We could land you on the Mandie Muscaria Olive
Plantation .. which is under the management of Uncle Boris’s Renewable Fuel Corporation …We ought
to be able to smuggle you in somehow from there,.. We could put some pressure on the insane tyrant…
You could tell him that you have seen sense, now that you realise how boring the better life is on the
Maltesas and that now you have joined the rebels, that you are now loyal to the tyrant…

I wouldn’t wish to tell a lie. Would an Amazon tell a lie? And the mad despot cannot be trusted. We keep
hearing that he has been lapidating the freedom fighters… innocent civilians….

We don’t know. But maybe. But he won’t have been lapidating them personally and you are in
honkiland permitted to defend yourself…

Doesn’t it depend who you are?…. Would it be permissible to lapidate innocent civilian Amazon forces of

Yes, but we are talking about innocent civilians who pose a threat…

If a whole lot of honkie illegal immigrants ran riot on Billirici murdering all the goats ..if you knew they were
terrorists, they were carrying umbrellas and pointing cameras at you as they advanced upon you en masse with
hysterical war--cries… might you not be inclined to lapidate first and ask questions later…?

It doesn’t happen. There are not that many goats on Billirici and they are quite peaceful… They are not
too keen on guests from the Tetrarchy, I suppose, but we don’t have many of them…. And we have
adequate witches….

Then there is this Mandie Muscaria Olive Planation…

It’s for Celery to volunteer a plan.. but it looks as if it will have to be that. Since there is a danger of
Tardis Dyskinesia, it’s likely to have to be a non-executive jet… or maybe one of Simon Legree’s
transports, to make it look authentic. An Intergalactic Combine Harvester is likely to be noticed and it
might then be supposed that you are in league with us and the Dinosaurs… We have our own airport on
the Mandie Muscaria Olive Plantation….

But .. if you look at that screen over there you will hear that the tyrant has been bombing the MMOP.

Yes. Hear but not see.. and even if we could see, it would be unlikely. We pay the Abba Sphinx a tax on
the olives and he then distributes it amongst the punters and gets re-elected. He’s not going to risk
damaging the olive groves….

He isn’t. He’s just … a few of his loyal rebel flying camels popped over, dropped a few dud bombs on the slag
heap and then flew back…It was your illegal immigrant workers who started it… To give the tyrant the
opportunity to lapidate in self-defence.

Don’t be silly! Our workers are all illegal immigrant Haitian sisters who have consented to assist our
Federation in our extra-national enterprises by which we tender our assistance to the honkies…. If we
armed these Haitians, they might turn on us. Who else are they going to turn on? There isn’t anyone
else. The loyalist rebels can keep well away!

So I would have thought. How would I know? Maybe you have told them that the rebels are attacking and that
they have to defend themselves. It does look very much as if that is what they have been told. Maybe you want
to get out of paying the taxes. Maybe you are trying to get rid of your degenerate Haitians – have gotten a bit
more automated. I can’t see why you need so many thousands… not if they just there to pick olives. Maybe
11305FID.BON                                                                         8

you are trying to create an international incident. Amazons, of course, would not be that dishonest, but maybe
you’ve got a Haitian site manager… or a pinkie.

Well, maybe you are making some sense. If the pinkie site manager has only given them toy plastic
stones or party balloons there is no danger to the olives, you create an international incident, you save
taxes and maybe you get rid of some of the surplus amongst the degenerates we have been kind enough to
permit to perform simple labours. .. and there is no danger if the degenerates turning on us. But won’t
the madman just wait so long and then start blundering some incendaries onto the olive groves… and
then the pinkies won’t have any olives….

They’ll have plenty. Mandie Muscaria is not a source of any significance…

Oh well… You’ll have to see what Celery comes up with…. But if you thnk it is too dangerous…

I do indeed! I would prefer the easy way out and a good time here labouring for your Federation. No-one wants
to live in the Sphingian Brotherhood, where no native citizen does any work and everyone gets thousands of
greenspam a week out of the tax on olives. But I do not choose to shirk my duty.

Far be it from me to criticise the Amazons. All you have done in the Sphingian brotherhood, no doubt is well-
calculated and for the best -.. and it it goes wrong, which it won’t, because you have thought it out, you’ll be out
of it while we and the pinkies are lapidating ourselves….

We do have to consider our expatriate sisters….

If you don’t kidnap them and save them from honkiland…. But I understand nothing about politics and there
may be questions asked when I call for the cultural exchange with the Maltesas. You can see these pinkie
broadcasts for yourself. Their Front Page News is Coronation Street, East Enders and Dame Katie Price and
they get all emotional and demonstrate in the agora over some imaginary event in a soap opera. This to them is
just another soap opera. They are told and believe. The pinkies are being told stories that are obvious
fantasies.. . lies that are working up into war-fever. They never pause to ask themselves:’Is this true? What
exactly is going on?’. They have not even told the name of the pinkie quisling who is supposed to take over
from the Abba Sphinx and what he is supposed to do? They havn’t fund anyone yet. It is not easy to improve
on three thousand greenspam a week for everyone for doing nothing. Would they in their own countries expect
their daily ballots to be overturned by a gang of yobbo film-extras in the agora? The pinkies have been causing
trouble for us by telling us there is trouble. They were going on about it for weeks while nothing was
happening and had their lies and hate-talk all prepared. The Nazis, they say, tricked the Sassenachs with lies
about the Polanders, Toby Liar tricked the pommies, Cardinal Torquemada tricked the Falklanders.. but we
would never be duped into a war… Yet all of them have forgotten everything, have, in space of a few minutes
been brainwashed with delusions that have never been there before and are all consumed in the warmongering
and fantasy…. And why are these illegal immigrants flocking to Mandy Muscaria? They do look like very rich
and carefree illegal immigrants, queuing up for your luncheon vouchers an goodies….

Nothing to do with us! We have no interest in the Sphingian Brotherhood other than a business
interest… for the sake of our expatriate sisters. It does not affect the nation. It would be more
informative if you watch on this screen how the Charmer Chameleon and his pommie Provo Nu Terrorist
friends, who know nothing about the world beyond what they read in the morning propaganda sheets or
hear from inebriated hacks in hotel bars or from their own subversives, are prancing around,
condemning people, going on about no fly zones, resolutions of the Congress of Enslaved Nations and the
rest… talking about invented trouble until there is trouble and pretending to be virtuous and innocent…
which, because they are so stupid they probably are….. They don’t know any better. Who is this
Charmer Chameleon? He is a paid actor who got himself elected in a scripted dumbed-down TV
performance. He prances around the world as a decoration to troupes of salesman bribing Prime
Numbers or flogging nitro-glycerine cream crackers. He is a school prefect from Saint Trinians, poncing
around, looking important, self- opinionated, self-righteous, the lackey of the Head Mistress, bullying the
smaller boys….

Doesn’t the sght of these honkies..who always justify their own crimes make you sick? It’s just for
themselves to pretend to be leaders – who needs leaders, even idiot leaders? .. so that they, the real mad
11305FID.BON                                                                          9

tyrants, can be re-elected… and to provide an excuse for the mess they have made out of their Economy
out of ignorance, stupidity, greed and dishonesty. .. and so that they can blow up the Enslaved Nations,
can murder millions of degenerates in other enslaved nations and have an excuse for murdering millions
in their own….

Yes! Yes! Minerva! All of us are sick at the sight of pinkies. We do not have any illusions about pinkies. But
none of this helps. Unless you are Cordelia… if she really does think it would not be such a bad thing for
honkiland to blow itself up….

Oh! Hi! This is Haha back from Moskva. But only for a second or two. We are off for another
performance for our sisters at the Academy on Fouchette, Cordelia has never said that. It is the judgment
of Lizilith and retribution of Godzilla.. for murdering the witches. If you murder the witches in honkiland,
they have only the deluded madmen left.

Our Newlings, Jasmine, do tend to call a polliwog a pollowog.. or a polliwig or pollywog and not a
hypotrophic axolotl…But in no way has our Nation added to the follies of the pinkies. The Rebels and
the Freedom Fighters must fight it out and our side must win to avoid the danger of a civil war. You may
have noticed that there is no trouble from the pinkies for the mad dictators who are unfriendly to the
pinkies… Why do you think that is? Might not the smile of the pinkie cayman be a Grecian camel?

My grandfather may be a raving lunatic – what macho isn’t?- but he is a bigger daddy than this Charmer
Chameleon who isn’t even a genuine reptile like Bonnie Parker and is here today and gone tomorrow. .. I’ve
never come across such craving for power….

He’s a front for the Slobbe, Slobodan Elosevic’’

Like your Gloria is a front for Cordelia…?

Cordelia is Gloria’s daughter…

I thought she was King Lear’s daughter…

She never was King Lear’s daughter .. She was daughter of a Sassnach stable-boy, Heinrich
Schmitt…Cordeila Schmitt…amd is now Lila’s daugher and so also Gloria’s daughter and her sister
Rogan’s. Cordelia’s Sister. Did you know that if the inhabitants of the Tetrarchy touch a reptile they
have to be confined in a treatment camp?

Maybe Bonnie ought to go on a tour. Which reminds me… my responsibility to the Leper Colony. My
preference is to remain in this delightful nation.. and I am not in the least offended that nobody wears a veil.. or
anything else. Nor do I feel embarrassed at falling down every two hours in devotions to Lizilith while
everyone else is auntying. Nor does it offend me that you stuff yourself on the days of fasting or offer me as
food the bodies of vampire bats, complete with coagulated gore with the plasmodia potentially still present…
and the virus of Draculosis. Nor even am I offended by your disrespect for Abraham, who, as far as I am
concerned, is a male chauvinist and everything they say about the Abba Sphinx… and if you suppose that there
are no winged donkeys on Terra outside the Maltesas that is up to you. But, as you say, the Amazons are
striving for peace in honkiland. It is therefore my duty to return to the Sphingian Brotherhood. There is no
need to land on Mandie Muscaria. Nobody is going to bother me if I return straight to the leper colony…
except maybe Micro… and we’ll have to go through all this again. Honkies are afflicted with leprophobia.
But, before I go, may, as a gesture of good will, your Uncle Boris could donate a few tons of
diaminodiphenylsulphone…. They yankies have dinglebugged our factory… say it is a chemical
weapon…because, they say, everyone in the Brotherhood diagnosed a leper ends up dead.. and it contains
nitrogen, a component of dynamite…

Leprophobia is fear of rabbits...The diaminodiphenylsulphone can easily be arranged…. I suppose… If
duty calls… But if you do turn out to be an Amazon and wish to return to our Federation… We do not
have any leper colonies. Soon, probably, we won’t have honkies… if there are any honkies any more. If
you have a talent for falling over…. I thought that went out when Julie Kaisar retired as Italian Pontifex
Maximus. The pommie witch Shakespear wrote a joke about it. The story behind it was that the
Pontifax’s duties included tours of all the Temples on the Mons Vaticana. .. checking up whether there
11305FID.BON                                                                     10

were any vestal virgins that needed to be buried alive and so forth. There usually weren’t because they
were all relatives of his wives. One day he fell on the divestal verger in the art gallery and everyone was
embarrassed because they thought it might be a bad omen. …at any rate, for the verger. The guard had
already sent for a spade. Yes! I know! Julie usually dispenses with guards, but there was one there that
time because the guard had been down to the chippie to fetch Julie a take-away meal. He was a fish
guard. .. and it now looked as if the appetite of the goddess would also have to be appeased. But Julie
then got up and exclaimed: ‘Veni, Vidi da Vinci’… which meant it was a good omen… and the verger
was spared. The ‘da’ is an Italian particle like the Greek ‘ge’. If you have a talent for falling over you
might wish to volunteer for duties at Ozzie bin Ladin’s Banco Belsize Cayman International on Banco
Island, though the surrounding sea is full of reptiles with a notorious affection for honkies.

Than,kyou very much, Sister Theresa Jasmine! We will now pass onto my live broadcast, the
transmission of which has been delayed..

The popularity of Lidl Milor Fondleroy’s proposal that we institute a bonfire festival within our Federation
to celebrate the virtues of the honkiland finance industry is not likely to be enhanced by the all too public
offers of assistance from King McBeth of Caledonia and the Slobbe of Pommiland. A public offer, if
anything to do with the honkie finance industry, has always to be viewed with suspicion – and we do not
receive offers of assistance from the honkies. They need us to help them. The Slobbe is seeking assistance
in his Plant a Tree Eco-Drive. The Urban Tree of pommiland, in so much as it still exists, showers leaves
upon the autocars..The pigeon and crow sisters that reside therewithin may defecate thereupon. The honkie
pundits and lawyers will invent any excuse to exploit the punters. So the honkie soviets.. and, therefore, the
punters… stand to pay enormous ‘damages’ to to the conniving lawyers united with forked-tongued
opportunists that have been shat upon. Amazons, who are honest, do regularly have bifid prehensile
glossae, but we use the expression in our transmissions in the honkie sense….. So the soviets have been
cutting all the branches off the trees and stocks are piling up in their hardboard factories. ‘Hardboard’ is a
name for planks reconstituted from sawdust and glue. It is also known in some dialects as ‘cardboard’ and is
used for the manufacture of updated furniture. The pommies hope to unload upon us this hardboard
mountain… to assist us, they say, with our bonfires. King McBeth has a similar problem… Tourists,
visitors to Birnham Wood, are at risk of being shat upon… and, therefore, McBeth has chopped down the
trees to avert the ravages of the lawyers of the visitors.

We will, of course, end up importing these hardboard mountains. We always do take on the honkiland
surpluses. We will put them to some use consistent with the Design of Lizilith, in so far as the honkies have
not yet irreversibly transgressed the Design.. In honkiland it all goes up in smoke. The objection in our
Federation is not to the receipt of the cardboard. We do not wish our bird sisters to be evicted from their
homes, but that has already taken place. The objection is to the suggestion that the mountain become fuel
for bonfires. It could, more reasonably, for instance, be used to feed fungi who are assisting us with the
colonisation of the Even More Remote Galaxies. This suggestion that we might wish to convert their
hardboard, without any intermediate stages, straight back to carbon dioxide and aqua, with release of lurgi,
emphasises the corruption and folly of the pinkies…with their chopping down of trees.and the deprivation
of our avian sisters of their homes. Their tin and fibreglass kennels on wheels, they suppose, are more
important than the Design of Lizilith. The honkies cannot accommodate to rationality.

 King McBeth and the Slobbe have suggested that in return for the service we have rendered by rescuing the
surplus, our Jamie Maxwell, ours now, might find some way of converting the sawdust and glue into plastic
polymer which we could then transform into eco-trees consistent with health and safety requirements and
labelled ‘Made in Caledonia/Pommiland’, with which to reconstitute Birnham Wood and with which to
effect, without carbon dioxide emissions, the Plant a Tree contributions to Econmic Growth. Jamie could do
this. I could do this. Any Amazon squaw could do it. It doesn’t require an alchemist of Jamie’s capacity.
11305FID.BON                                                                       11

The hardboard will be very useful to us, even though it does leave the honkies in the lurch. But, nevertheless,
as regards the plastic vegetation, on this occasion, it is ‘Up Yours, Slobbe and McBeth!’. The objective of
Economic Growth is quite adequately achieved by our consenting to absorb their surplus even though no
circulation of luncheon vouchers is involved in the transaction. We will just send an Intergalactic Combine
Harvester over to collect it. It is waste, after all, in pommiland, even though a gain for us, and, therefore,
Economic Growth and there will be lots of committees of fatcatties and unnecessary palaver…

If Haha insists on being prima ballerina, that is her affair. I am delighted to be given the opportunity to
resume my duties of Minister of Truth during my grand-daughter’s unexpected absence. I trust that the
wastrel Toriland punters at the Pavilion Casino at Aqua Sulis, those that suppose they can afford to
squander their borrowed.. stolen …fiscally eased luncheon vouchers on Beau Gusset’s extravagamt charges,
enjoy the performance by the Inca Newlings Gymnastics Team of the the neoteric ballet composed by and
directed by Minerva ‘Haha’ Miniskirt, starring Haba in the title role… an adaptation I am now informed of
Moliere’s ballet ‘Tartuffe’ ..entirely without the guidance of Arsula and myself, who didn’t even know about
this… Kleopatra outwits the tyrant matriarch Kassandra and Lysystrata, in her turn, outwits the tyrant
matriach Kleopatra. Kleo, Kass and Systrata, who are not closely related and who will not recognise
themselves as portrayed in this perversion of Amazon history.. have no cause for complaint. It is all done to
promote the interests of our Federation… and so that Beau can purchase the latest fop fashion promoted by
Mossad Brothers, elite outfitters of Warsawa… and, no doubt, Haha will be rescuing Mynah from some
otherwise underemployed pommiland dragon. .. a role in the drama being performed at the Casino which
Bonnie Parker, the only known dragon in pommiland, who wasn’t asked, would have been delighted to
perform. Haha has been scraping around… diligently searching the enslaved territories to recruit
exceptionally talented expatriate Newling Amazon witches who can then, by the usual procedures, be
enticed into defecting to our Federation to take on the duties of Proconsuls of the Remote and Even More
Remote Galaxies. There are hardly any native Maltesani’s in the so-called team. The Aunties and Cousins..
and even olderlings.. emtertain no misgivings as the administration and welfare of our Nation falls into the
hands of a pack of inexperienced ideologically obsessed reckless six-month-old tyros. Not that that could
happen. Amazons are born with the accumulated wisdom of past generations. We are a democratic nation
and share our responsibilities pro rata. In no way have we been afflicted with the delusion that gymnastics
require some physical strength, some practised skill, some maturity in stuture, such as is not possessed at the
moment of entry into a new incarnation – nor that such neophytes are not possessed of the Inca attributes
that enchant the honkie fatcatties.

Sisters expatriate in the Enslaved World apart from these Newlings whose rescue Haha and her
accomplices have been planning – with the clandestine corporation, no doubt, of BoyzRus, our National
Rugger Team- are not so fortunate. I am Manager of the Gymnastics team .. or thought I was… and what
Celery and his neophile clandestine… not clandestine from our point of view… We have no secrets from our
sisters…Rugger squaws get up to is none of my affair. The pommie Nu Laeba terrorists and fatcatties.. the
Provos this time, not that there is any difference … continue to rob our sisters of the possessions upon which
they depend. The fiscally eased gifts devalue the holdings of the less eased punters. .. and there is their ever
more inflationary Measles Mumps and Rubella interest rate on the loans the terrorists have fraudulently
wangled out of the less imprudent punters. It is like a rescue rights issue in which only the fatcattie directors
participate. King Herod of the Tetrarchy and his Eunuchs and Priests continue to pack more and more
shekels into their helvitian bank accounts while the punters succumb to their spending cuts. The virtuous
Herod, Eunuchs and Priests courageously bury any misguided reluctance they might have possessed to
squander their punters’ resources on the draconian fines the King of Italy is imposing because Herod sees fit
to deprive his guests in the dungeon of his Palais in Caesarea of their votes in Herod’s quandrennial re-
election. The guests are unlikely to be awarded any significant compensation for thie deprivation of this
meaningless concession to pseudo-democracy. But the Tetrarchy is full of Midianite illegal immigrants..
and, therefore, lawyers. Lawyers face a bonanza in fees, which the hapless punters will have to cough up to
prove Herod’s virtue. The Tetrarchy’s terrorist bosses are lawyers…and they are holding lawyerly speeches
to justify their hypocrisy.

The honkies, I suppose, are aware that King Herod has denounced his formerly trusted Paperazzo, Fabriccio
Firescapelli, who has subsequently also been discovered to have been responsible for the assassination of the
hippie prophet, Jovial Jack…and that Herod himself has become more overtly unpopular with his loyal
subjects. We do not claim that these mass demonstrations are spontaneous and authentic, but Herod’s
patron, or former patron, the King of Italy, has judged it expedient, perhaps even convenient, to side with the
protest and to withdraw his support from the Tetrarch. Herod has not been sacked, but his powers, if he ever
had any, have been transferred to the new hard-line proconsul. Mr. Dayan has always been a Philistinian
11305FID.BON                                                                       12

activist rather than toady of the King of Italy, but the King envisages that Moshe will retain popularity with
the natives while protecting The Economy with a firm hand.

 Those of you who rely on our transmissions rather than the pinkies’ dodgy propaganda may have missed
out. My grand-daughter, Minnie Miniskirt known as Haha, though presenting an adequately detailed
account, relegated the evemts in the Tetrarchy to the end of a relatively lengthy transmission. News from
honkiland , for the most part, is boring and repetitive. These developments in Judaea were, or should have
been, a welcome gift to the sisters presenting our World Service transmissions – and a gift to our
honkologists. The current evolution of the saga presents a dramatic illustration of the honkie virtue of
hypocrisy. I don’t know whether hypocrisy is in Judaea regarded as the infallible key to paradise..though I
have heard that it is highly prized by some of their more learned theologians. Herod and his eunuchs have
been disproportionately anxious that the punters do not suppose them to be a gang of criminals…which, we
suppose, suggests that Herod and the Eunuchs feel there are good reasons for the punters coming to such a
conclusion. Their self-accusation, their conscience as some honkies call it, is a more vehement and vocal
threat than the Press, Public and King of Italy with whom they identify their internalised super-ego. The
King and Eunuchs have spared no pains in their demonstrations that they are not on the side of the
criminals… and in their creations of scapegoats…or uncritical and cowardly leaps onto scapegoat
bandwaggons. Fabriccio has been condemned on the basis of phone-tapped evidence, of trivial or
commonplace misdemeanours or of behaviour that is reasonable, commonplace and which has never in the
Tetrarchy been supposed to be illegal. The judicial learned Pharisees in the ecclestiastical court show no
interest in whether the evidence is plausible or the allegation is a crime. They just lean over backwards in
the invective of their condemnations and the severity of the sentences out of fear that they might otherwise be
seen as criminals leniant towards a fellow felon. The province is known as a Tetrarchy because every four
years there is a ballot in which Herod is re-elected. Bit like the yankie Presidency. Philistinian political
parties are illegal…or were so prior to the King of Italy’s recent intervention. Herod and the Eunuchs are
now clamouring that Fabriccio should be deprived of the vote with which to re-elect Herod. Herod possibly
assumed that he was on safe.. and fruitful.. ground. These punters who have been complaining about Herod
are bound to have broken some of Herod’s laws. When honklies complain in this way – and, indeed, that is
futile and unnecessary – there are always arrests and whatever the accusation or evidence, the victim is
encarcerated… and pilloried by the local propaganda media…who stir up a hate campagin against the
victims and anyone inclined towards objective judgement. They won’t be voting for Herod and, therefore,
they do not need their votes.

 Herod’s virtue has aroused not one word of scepticism amongst our rival propagandists… self-appointed
honkie educators of the Oppressed Territories. But Herod’s and the Eunuch’s lily-livered unanimity in
depriving Fabriccio of his vote, in contrast to the usual lack of courage in their convictions, proves to be
uncommonly tactless. Their lawerly sophistry is hardly designed even to convince themselves, let alone
anyone else. ‘The felon has broken his contract with Society. Therefore he is to be deprived of…’. This is
the sort of nonsense we used to hear from Socrates when he had been on a hemlock binge. They would soon
find themselves in a rigmarole if they examined this theory in any detail. They should instead have made out
that the deprivation of the vote was understood to be part of the sentence, not that the terrorists’ hospitality
implies open-ended deprivation, and then have tried to justify that point of view. .. a more reasonable
argument, though it wouldn’t have stood up. The Judaeans, who are all recidivists, irrespective of their
openly expressed sentiments. fear a vendetta against the Found Out.. The punters are not likely to bee too
happy, however timidly silent their protest, at some petty priest depriving them of citizenship on any trivial or
imaginary pretext. The Judeans, according to some themselves illegal immigrants, see Herod as importing
illegal immigrants on masse and treating them as privileged citizens while they themselves are denied the
rights of the citizen.. Least of all is it tactful for Herod to offend the King of Italy. There seems to be too
much vinum flowing in the Palais in Caesarea and Herod seems to be bereft of judgement.. possessed by
delusions of grandeur. The King of Italy is offended because Fabriccio is an Italian Citizen and only the
King of Italy, and maybe not even the King of Italy, can withdraw the vote with which the Italian Citizen re-
elects the King of Italy… and , in any case, even local elections in Judaea are conducted in accordance with
Italian law and not that of the priests.

My grand-daughter, Haha, is currenly. chronologically, three years old…or thereabouts. ..two years old..
almost. It was not formerly customary for Inca squaws to take on what might be described as official duties
amongst the Amazons during the early years of an incarnation. This was so that a squaw could set up an
independence, based on the objectivity of her experiences, in her judgements and interests. It was never
supposed that a squaw newly arrived in this incarnation could not perform such duties. Time does not have
the same significance to Incas as it does to the honkie. The powers of observation and calculation of the
11305FID.BON                                                                         13

honkie newly born child greatly exceed that of the older honkie. But the honkie is born into a honkie-created
world and relies on the older sisters to provide information. The Amazon is born into the universe created by
Lizilith, which provides its own information. We do have our own community and, at least from a honkie
point of view, it has its traditions and customs, so strange, as they see it, that they have to be learnt. But there
is no need for honkiland’s arduous instillation of rules of conduct . We may remind out daughters that we
stive for the welfare of our sisters, our Nation, our companions and the Design of Lizilith , but an Inca is
already born with this knowledge.,, and, more consistently, they remind us. A squaw may, in theory,
occasionally peform some action that is not in the best interests of or the most sisterly to her sisters - Not so..
But for argument’s sake we can suggest this could happen .. a voyage into the hypothetical such as Saint
Mandie recommends…and, if so, the errant sister might not be delighted at her past conduct when she comes
to realise. But. besides that. this hypothetical regret of the hypothetical error.. which we could postulate were
we to suggest that such errors existed… we have no stick or carrot. I am not suggesting that we have
irrational honkiform emotions or pseuo-regrets, merely that were such hypothetical errors to exist, rational
awareness of the error would amend our conduct, not some imposed or self-imposed punishment. Saint
Mandie points out that this is just honkiform payment of the penalty or licence fee to repeat the error. There
is nothing more treacherous than the honkie’s perpetual contrition. Even taking all this into account,
however, the honkie child is astonishingly inept.. and remains inept. Many honkologists suspect that the
degeneracy of the honkies imposes a severe cognitive defect. The witches of honkiland… the squaws born
with the capacities of the Amazon..undergo, from birth, severe persecution, the degenerates doing all they
can to nullify the victim’s perceptions and cognition and to replace it with their ‘education’. Honkologists
cannot rule out the possibility of even the honkies being born normal with the degeneracy and stultification
imposed by their socialisation. Honkies also function very slowly and intermittently… increasing so as their
incarnation proceeds.. and these incarnations last only ahort time.

Haha has been devoting her bulletins to the Newlings and their attitudes. There is no strict definition of
Newling, though most of these Newlings are chronlogically less than three years old.. or have been fully
unhonkified within our Federation for less than three years. In no way do the attitudes of the Newlings
conflict with those of what have become to be known as Cousins and Aunties.. or Olderlings. Newlings are
no more prone to honkiform errors in perception or calculation than any other Amazon. Amazons are
entirely rational. Claims in honkiland that there exist amongst us criticisms of or misgivings about the
Newlings are a misunderstanding. Honkies fail to understand that because we are unreservedly rational we
may sound to them as if critical of our sisters. Haha has her reasons for presenting her bulletins as she does.
There is no reason to suppose that her approach, taking into account the practicalities, is in way imperfect.
In no way do we find ourselves forced to devote less time and effort to projects that might be regarded as of
low priority…such as telling the honkies over and over again what is forever going on in honkiland. Haha
vokunteers for numerous responsibilities.. and the Newlings see themselves as primerally concerned with the
exploration of the Even More Remote Galaxies.. and the recruitment of honkiland newling witches to join
their utopia…and our National Athletics team has currently a heavy programme of fixtures.. and there is
always a lot to do at the Domestic Market..especially when surrounded by an epidemic of honkies
succumbing to Brittle Bone Disease, which demands the attention of all the witches… and we Minihahas are
regarded on such occasions as witches. Haha had planned her transmission at short notice and took
opportunities as they arose. The news from the Tetrarchy came in while the transmission .. during a public
festival with supposedly unpredictable interruptions during supposedly unpredictable delays…was already
being conducted and, therefore, finds itself at the end of a relatively long transmission. Our students also
have other duties and it was felt not to be necessary for them to edit the live transmission prior to broadcast.

In no way am I suggesting that Haha was led into prioritising the flattering approaches of the comical
Toiriland fop, Beau Gusset. Beau just happened to arrive on the scene while the transmission took place.
The achievements of Rakeoff Rachel and Dicky Dick in pommiland, in so short a time, are a major news
item in themselves and it was practical circumstances, not misjudgement, that led to them being buried in an
avelanche. Dr. Marie Antoinette, our Minister of Food, has limited responsibilities, or none, in that
capacity, within our Federation, but it may come as a surprise to some that she has come to be so venerated
in honkiland.

 While Haha was conducting her broadcast, Arsula and I had nipped off with Bonnie Parker to explore the
caves on the shore of Loch Skegness. Since Bonnie is deputy gubernator of the Banco di Pommiland, she
wanted to know what gold looked like. The pommies can have theirs back if they ask for it… but they won’t.
Bonnie was appreciative of the effective devices we have available to avert identify theft such as the vampire
bats and triffids. The triffids and other carnivorous vegetation respond to the vapours of the honkie hormone
crimiline, which is excreted when the honkie entertains improper thoughts or is in fear of being Found Out.
11305FID.BON                                                                       14

The fact that these plants caused Bonnie no trouble reaffirms that Bonnie, despite the act she puts on, is a
genuine Amazon and not a fake who was undergone reconstitative surgery and has invented an ancestry,
revealed to me but not the honkies, which turns out to be obvious and authentic. Bonnie is a sister and must
be and is accepted as such. It has nothing to do with Arsula and I having a fetish for iguanas.

The pommie food regulations bar their schoolchildren from consuming salt This ‘salt’ is understood to be
the sodium and potassium chloride formerly added to their food… though the food itself may contain sodium,
potassium and chloride ions not obviously, in that form, derived from the crystalline solid.’salt’ to be found in
honkiland inland deposits or distilled from the Holy Lochs in in the vicinity of Utah and Galilee and in
Caledonia. Marinated aqua, prior to the food regulations, was known as Holy Water. This edict of the
Kipper has resulted in mass ‘attention deficit syndrome’ and honkified behaviour. We were then astonished
to discover that the Kipper was also ordering the honkies to consume up to six grammes of this ‘salt’ a day,
more than a honkie is capable of assilating without self-protective emesis. Then there were similar
ambiguities with the ethanol, now described by the Kipper as a renewable fuel and averter of thrombosis, that
the pommie larvae were ordered to consume. Bonnie now informed us that the Kipper is ordering the
honkies to consume ninety grammes of ‘sugar’ a day… or ‘shergar’, named after Alan Sherger who finished
a nose ahead of Nijinska in the pommie Pedestrian Grand National. Oppressive measures are being taken
to force the pommies into buying expensive packets of sawdust disguised as ‘sugar’, sawdust being assumed
in this context not to be ‘sugar’. The honkies have confused notions about ‘sugar’, including this fantasy
attributed to Maria that fructose is a precipitant of honkiform obesity… a claim that appeared following
Dick Consltancies being commissioned by the sucrose industry. ‘Starch’, or even cellulose, can be regarded
as ‘sugar’. The sawdust does contain sugar that can be metabolised and an Amazon would consume
kilogrammes rather than 90 grammes of sugar, in the sense of carbohydrate fuel, a day. Nevertheless,
honkies feed infrequently and are unlikely to ingest, on the average, as much as ninety grammes per day –
whether they appear obese or anorexic – and the obese honkie consumes less than the apparently anorexic.
The Hibernians consumed, in their more prosperous days, at least four kilogrammes of potatoes a day.. and
our intake, though in varied commodities, is considerably greater. Ninety grammes of sugar a day –
although we do not add sugar crystals to our diet – is, for an Amazon, a trivial amount of fuel. But it is more
than enough per day to drive a honkie. The Kipper appears to be ordering the pommies not to eat while
oblivious of the fact that their austerity long ago brought the levels of food intake to well below his
recommended maxima.

I am not suggesting that Haha should have relegated to the termination hogged by the Judeans the stale news
that naughty honkies, when they visit our globally warmed climate – or even when they encounter squaws
from healthier climes in honkiland – are prone to attacks of Acute Brittle Bone Disease, that the honkie
finance industry is naughty, that acute attacks, even epidemics, are oft to be seen at Gloria’s Domestic
Markets and that the patients require the attention of the witches.. That honkie naughtiness provokes
attacks of Fragilitas Ossium… rather than the biology, the explanation of which in former bulletins remains
sufficient .. remains a topic of major importance. Also, there are new aspects of this naughtiness that need
to be reported. Haha, in fact, referred to the honkie fatcatties who succumbed at Gloria’s recent Domestic
Market only briefly. Although we do not meet honkie recidivists in quite the number as we used to.. and
Gloria does not have quite as much information available about the honkie swindles as she used to when
Fatima devoted more of her time to the affairs of the honkie corporations, there was a crowd of honkie
felons at the market whose activities do deserve to be mentioned and, hopefully, when we get round to it, will

The honkie financial pirates cause no more trouble to our Federation than any other species of honkie
pirate. But we have sisters in honkiland – unwanted slaves – squaws denied the right to subsist on debt
whose survival depends on their possessions. We are, therefore, at times inclined towards sympathy with the
honkilanders.. Games of cowboys and Indians have always been popular amongst the Amazons. The Lidl
Milor Fondleroy, Cordelia’s macho companion from her pommiland days, does not figure a great deal in our
national history, though, no doubt, Cordelia, Fanny and their companions find him entertaining. Lidl
comes out with these ideas that might be considered unlikely for an Inca. Honkies not only incinerate
witches but they may also incinerate the effigies of their enemies or those considered the enemies of
honkiland or the yahoo. Lidl suggested that we entertain ourselves by rigging up the burning of a honkie
bonker. Just for amusement.. not malice intended towards the bonkers.

This not unlike the incineration of honkie doll. No genuine witch – no Inca – would do this, but were she to
do this, with that in mind, some discomfort might be endured by the honkie whom the doll represents.
Honkies have no witchly skills and the witch is more likely to be incinerated against than insinning. Honkie
11305FID.BON                                                                      15

incineration is discomfort only for the incinerated and those at risk of incineration. The Cardinal
Torquemada claims that the carbon dioxide anaesthesises and that his procedure is less inconvenient to the
victim than other procedures in vogue in honkiland – such as their potassium chloride and their fracture of
the atlo-occipital joints, with impalement of the lower medulla, where the condemned succumb to the
subsequent autopsy. Dahlia tells me that the Cardinal may well be right, but we not approve of the
conflagration of our sisters.. and iour sisters may not be aware of the anaesthetic properties of carbon
dioxide, combined with anoxia, and endure preliminary anxiety and pain. As to whether more modern
honkiland routes to voluntary euthanasia are even worse, we must keep an open mind… but the Cardinal
does not evoke our gratitude and admiration. However, their pyres are giant bonfires. We may make use of
some smaller bonfire for cookery, to extract metal from ore or whatever, but we have little use for these
oversized ligneous conflagrations.

The Midianite witch and, supposedly, sister of their Emil Moshe Ramoshe, has been with us for some weeks
now. She does occasionally pop back briefly to Midian by Express Magic Carpet. Miriam sends a smoke
signal in advance: ‘Arriving by the four o’ clock magic carpet’. The message may not be received, but In
honkiland it is just as well not to tell folk when and where you are going to arrive. The Ne Laeba terrorists
are hardly going to get at a magic carpet and there isn’t any way of sabotaging a magic carpet, but in
honkiland, nevertheless, it is essntial to be perpetually paranoid. I expect Miriam hovers around on her
carpet and then lands where the assembled crowd.. and everyone else.. is not expecting her.. and she has been
borrowing a selection of Ozzie bin Ladin’s magic carpets to serve as dummies. Serving as a dummie is a
honkiland trandition,, though the Midianites are not necessarily honkies..though they are apt to be
rhinomegalic. Celery Kwean, manager of BoysRus, our national Rugger team, has equipment that picks up
the Midianite smoke signals. We may have supplied Mrs. Caliban, in Midian, our her security advisor,
Mossada Miniskirt, with similar equipment that can pick up smoke signals from Belsize. Smoke signals are
an effective method of conducting a dialogue with the Midianites with no possibility of interception by the
honkiland tappers and hackers. On the other hand, if you want the message to be hacked.. with a smoke
signal there is no way this can be done. Honkies may pretend to intercept signals we send via what we call a
wormhole – a wave duct through space created spontaneoujsly for that particular message – and may pretend
to have cracked our cipher or may pretend to understand native Phukit creole – though they can’t do any of
these things – but they do not even pretend to read smoke signals. There are in the supposed honkie journals
of witchcraft no learned papers by the pundits on the cryptoanalysis of smoke signals, so complicated and
meaningless that the honkies suppose it is all product of great genius and repeat it all when boasting in front
of their friends. .. er… other honkies. Smoke signals are not digital and, therefore, incomprehensible to the
honkie. Nevertheless, we have little use for smoke signals. I shall have to send a smoke signal to Cousin
Mossada asking whether Miriam’s smoke signals were ever received. I reckon Miriam was just sending them
to educate us in smoke-telegraphy – a Midianite speciality… probably invented by Miriam. Miriam was also
showing us how we could transmit a message rapidly by lighting beacons sucessively on islands along the
route.. not entirely unknown to us, though we prefer the tom-toms. The tom toms are bound to be noticed –
whereas you might be canoodling through a pyre transmission and overlook it. The honkies can’t decipher
tom toms and you only send a message when it is important that it is received – an advantage over the mobile
phone. But not even Miriam uses the large pyres popular in honkiland. The machine Celery sent to
Mossada will pick up a signal from the Maltesas if we wave our hands above a candle and also, in other
respects, the Midianites are now more inclined towards micro- rather than macro- smoke telegraphy. It
takes time to erect a major bonfire and it could be embarrassing if you transmit a misprint and then don’t
have a second pyre readily available to send the correction. The Hispaniards lost out that way when
Francisco Draco incinerated their ships. The Grand Duke, on the burning deck, waved his admiral’s hat
with the intention of signalling : ‘Scaeper back home!” but a magazine unexpectedly exploded, changing the
message to ‘Head for Hibernia and get shipwrecked’ –and the Grand Duke did not have a second fleet
readily available to send the corrected message. Also, of course, his mobile phone had run out of credit.. and
all they had in the harbour was a BT call box – and not evem the hispanic exchequer could raise enough
dubloons for a thirty second call on that!

So you can imagine Cordelia’s reaction when, as they were relaxing on the haystack – or some haystack –
Lidl came out with this suggestion of a festival surrounding one or more giant bonfires. Amazons like to
enjoy themselves, of course. We don’t suppose that Lizilith grants us any bonus points for unnecessary self-
imposed suffering. We do, in fact, have a good time here on the Maltesas.. and Incas on the Maltesas have
traditionally done so. The pirates did not cause us trouble in the way they did to our sisters on the mainland.
But nevertheless not such a good time is the lot of our sisters in honkiland and, althoujgh we do not look at it
that way, our duties are response to the challenges that Lizilith presents to us… They do require some degree
of effort. The honkies might compare this to their obsession with climbing up mountains. To achieve what
11305FID.BON                                                                         16

they suppose is an objective, they endure a degree of discomfort.. and risk. I don’t say an Amazon would see
it that way. The Newlings could be regarded as undergoing a hectic, threatening, uncomfortable time when
they,. in their explorations in the remote planets, come close to blowing up the universe and are presented
only with a a couple of seconds within which to discover some remedy. When it is useful and necessary even
a honkie may be unaware that she is undergoing any discomfort… But nevertheless we feel it is a legitimate
attitude for us to enjoy ourselves when the opportunity presents itself and that the arduous will surface soon
enough… not that Amazons ever do anything that is not useful. These honkies with their self-imposed
sufferings are then not prepared undergo any self=sacrifice, self=control or inconvenience that may be
required for the welfare of their sisters. Witness how all the Pharisees todied when Herod deprived
Fabriiccio of his vote. But, nevertheless, it is not within Inca tradition to incinerate a great a pile of wood for
no objective other than hilarity. It is difficult to think up any plausible justification for such a megabonfire
in our Federation Sure enough, we can canoodle and stuff ourselves with samosas in the warmth of the
bonfire.. can dance around it and use it to cook the samosas. But ours is a globally warmed climate. It is so
all the year round, without any bonfires. We do not on Belsize need any bonfire to light up the sky at night..
since we only some thirty kilometres from the active volcano on Vesuvius Island. Incas have always been
aware that it is an insult to Lizilith to waste. The incinerated wood converts to carbon dioxide and aqua
which is then eaten by the plants, in combination with solar lurgi, and reconverted to wood…or whatever.
In that sense, there is no waste. The wood is what the honkies call renewable fuel.. as is coal, peat and oil,
though they take longer to renew. In honkiland they have, or had, deciduous leaves and lawn shavings,
which were even more rapdily renewable. But Cordelia has experience of pinkiland where it is evident that
use and waste always exceed renewal, that the waste is unnecessary and does nothing beyond enacting the
pathological ideology of Economic Growth and that pinkie waste is plunder of more fortunate of the
enslaved nations. Although the Design of Lizilith can cope with the unnecessary release of the lurgi
chemically bound by photosynthesis – and, because of the stupidity of honkies has to do so, without the aid
of ridiculous honkie theories about carbon dioxide … it is not the Design that there should be this rapid
transition from bound chemical straight to carbon dioxide and aqua. The wood is eaten by the sawflies and
the fungi, and the fungi and the bodies of the sawflies, when they depart, are eaten by other sisters… maybe
vampire bats… A great army of sisters, including ourselves, subsists on the lurgi bound within this wood
before it is finally converted into its original constituents. The honkies consider nobody other than
themselves … though they do in fact depend upon these other sisters and, even without that, are detroying
themselves. Since Cordelia’s arrival our disdain of waste has been even more strongly emphasised.
Although Cordelia used to live in pommiland, there is no more faithful disciple of Saint Mandie. Cordelia
also has demolished any reticence there might be to the open admission that the honkies are a threat to us as
well as to themselves - the honkie propaganda media even portraying Cordelia as favouring the radical
rationalisation of the problem that the honkie represents ..that we should not obstruct the honkies’ right to
opt for voluntary euthanasia.

The Newlings find it puxxling that Cordelia finds time for Lidl, which she presumably does, when she has so
many comely squaw companions – and, in their view, amongst the machos, Celery, who resembles Fanny, is
renowned for his prettiness and ‘Crocodile’ Duncannon, in their view, sports a more handsome figure than
Lidl. Lidl, in pommiland, was renowned for the silly costume his mother forced him to wear, and, in our
Federation, little is heard about Lidl beyond that he swings on trees. One of his favourte pastimes is to hide
in a tree and, when a squaw passes by.. or a macho.. though we have few of them and include them when we
say squaw… jumps down suddenly, beating his chest. This is not particularly unAmazon behaviour, but Lidl
is said to be somewhat addicted to it..and not a powerful swimmer. Who has ever heard of a land-lubbing
Maltesani.? Lidl and Cordelia, when they escaped from pommiland, had been condemned by their mothers
and Witchfinder General, Dr. Matthew Hopkins, as guilty of Asberger’s Syndrome and, presumably, there is
still a honkiland warrant out for their arrest. So perhaps I should not mention that Lidl is the squaw known
to the honkies as the Maltesani Eagle, our indoor slalem champion, not un-Amazonian, but not a pursuit
amongst us with a great following. On top of that, according to the Newlings, Lidl comes out with honkified
suggestions about bonfires.

 I do not know whether the Newlings are serious in their mockery of Lidl Milor nor whether the mockings
are justified. Cordelia points out that it is only three years ..about that… since she and Lidl were kidnapped
by BoyzRus and rescued from dire fate in honkiland. Chronologically, they are around seventeen years old,
give or take a year – I can’t remember exaclty… I think it must be eighteen years… which in honkiland is
regarded as young….and in honkiland machos are ‘slow developers’. Cordelia herself, when she was
kidnapped, was already well acquainted, while still a honkilander, with Fanny and Fatima.. and Vendredi,
Pip, as well as her sisters Rogan and Gonorrhilla.. and the Countess Gudeva… celebrated pommiland
witches… and was familiar with the traditions and witchcraft of the Amazons. Cordelia, out of a sense of
11305FID.BON                                                                        17

duty to her honkiland sisters, despite the dire fate facing the honkiland witch, was very reluctant to defect to
the Maltesas until forced into it, but Cordelia, through her close association with Fatima and Fanny during
their visits to honkiland, knew what role she was to play in our Federation and ‘took over’, as the honkies put
it, immediately. Lidl on the other hand, under the thumb of his mother, the Duchess of Fondleroy, came
from a much less favourable background. Even Incas in honkiland become honkified and dehonkification
can take as long as three years.

Lidl’s bonfire suggestion did seem a trifle outrageous and a defiance of Cordelia’s services to our nation.
But Cordelia nevertheless passed it on to Ms Lila po Lune… Auntie Lila… or maybe Lila’s daughter,
Fanny, passed it on. At any rate, it was passed on and the suggestion was delivered to the incredulous nation
in Lila’s column in Billiriciya Bufera. So the suggestion was thrown to discussion amongst our sisters …
Such a bonfire did seem to be wasteful… even if it was just one bonfire… and our sisters felt that a
honkiform pyre represented a lack of control… more so than the eruption of our Mount Vesuvius – which
they saw as a controlled event… in the sense that a happening that goes on for centuries is an event.. It is
controlled. The lava comes up from Lethe in a tube.. is led away in a terrestrial lava river.. and in billions of
years Vesuivius Island may even become connected, at sea surface level all the way, to Belsize. It is all a
controlled system of events within the Design of Lizilith.. but where has the giant bonfare any place in any
design or in what manner is it truthfully under any control? The honkies burn their heretics on the market
square but their market squares where designed for whipping viragos and not for bonfires. If they light their
bonfire on a lawn it, damages the turf.. and, on the high street, it gets in the way of the horses. It was very
difficult to see this bonfire other than as an absurdity. But some sisters pointed out there existed at least an
argument that a bonfire might legitimately belong to the honkie winter and there did exist within our
extraterrestrial settlements locations that were less globally warmed. Assuming that such a planet had been
sufficiently colonised to produce wood that was surplus rather than the internal necessity of the forest, then.
Maybe. it was reasonable for a bonfire to save squaws the embarrassment of being overdressed during some
festival. The honkies used their funeral pyres to cook their sisters before eating them and a megabonfire
could be used to cook the corpse of some reently departed non-yahoo sister.. such a whale or dragon. Despite
their longevity, they were known occasionally to depart. If then a bonfire on, say, the satellite Ganymedes,
could be justified, there had to be some way in which the same bonfire could be lit on terra and its usefulness
fully transferred to Ganymedes. If oxygen was used up on Terra, so it would be on Ganymedes and so the
heat could be transported to Ganymedes and the compensatory carbon dioxide transported back to Terra in
exchange for oxygen… though it would be more efficient just to plant a few more spaghetti forests on
Ganymedes. There was much discussion of this notion of justification by locational proxy.

When possible sites for the bonfire were proposed, we encountered the practicalities. Saint Mandie arranged
the erection of the Tour de Piffel and upon it the red lantern that welcomed the shipwrecked pirates who were
to be the offered the hospitality of her hostelry. Previously, the pirates had been lured to their doom by the
comely squaws dancing on table mountain of Montmandie, or Delmonte as it was then called. The pirates
needed powerful telescopes. The surface of the plateau is over eight hundred metres above sea level and the
pirates are closer than two kilometres from Belsize they are already on the rocks. It did, of course, facilitate
the shipwrecks if the pirates were occupied with spying at the comely wenches through their glasses, but a
bonfire would have been more clearly visible. So there has been a suggestion that we should revive an
ancient custom, the squaws cavorting around a bonfire..in the manner of a coven of honkie witches. The
dances, of course, are still customary, but a hedge has been planted around the border of the plateau to stop
honkies who join in from toppling over the cliff and burdening our witches with the unnecessary burden of
their reconstitution. We might not need to remove the hedge, but, nevertheless, the hedge would not
welcome the smoke. Nor would the non-yahoo sisters who had built their homes within the hedge.
Moreover, emmetts had made their home beneath the site. The cliffs on Fouchette were another obvious site
for a bonfire but, again, they proved to be the homes of emmetts and other non-yahoo sisters. Similarly,
there are many sisters who live in the sands twizt the Palais and the Loch Skegness upon which Gloria holds
her Domestic Market .. and there are avian sisters living on the roof of the Palais. There was no location in
Maltesas where a bonfire would not destroy the homes of millions of sisters. There were locations, at least in
theory, on the Remote Planets, that were inhabited, but we could not be sure and it was not convenient for
our sisters to be transported en masse to the Square Planet just to burn a bonker. Gloriana and Dahlia, as it
happens, were engaged in major reconstructions on the Square Planet, which is artefactual, and a furnace
had been erected to mould the girders that the Dinosaurs had supplied and there was a dry run during which
several honkie bankers were incinerated. There was a more plausible suggestion that we incinerate the
bonkers on a platform on stilts, so as not to disturb our sisters underneath..or a fire could be lit in a bowl, as
it is in the Temple of Vesta. Or we could use a raft or platform floating on the sea. This would not cause
any major inconvenience to our larger non-yahoo sisters and the platform could be insulated to avoid
11305FID.BON                                                                          18

damage to plankton or smaller sisters. Uncle Boris suggested, though not very seriously, that the bonfire
could be lit on a platform on stilts on one of his hoveryachts or nuclear submarines… or maybe the bonfire
could be accomodated on an Intergalactic Combine Harvester floating above the surface of Terra. We did
have a few experimental attempts at the more plausible suggestions but they were more exercises for our
student engineers. Thousands of them participated and they enjoyed themselves but these did not provide
plausible public festivities for those with no direct interest in the technicaliities of the construction, not that
there are such Incas, and the notion of the bonfire continued to seem rather silly.

Honkie bonkers who attended the Domestic Market were entertained with the pleasure of watching
themselves being incinerated. But this aspect of the celebration was a compromise. A dear departed Whale
Sister was washed ashore on Phukit and she was accorded the honour of providing ourselves and our guests
with sustenance. But she was transported by Tardis not to a bonfire but to a furnace in one of the kitchens in
the Palais. The trollies were evident on the beach the cooking of samosas upon which delights Gloria.
There can be mini-bonfires to heat the cookers, but polonium discs are nowadays preferred. So it was a
matter of cooking samosas that resembled honkie dolls, effigies of the bonkers. Amazons respond to a
challenge and Fanny did genetically engineer a variety of capsicum whose fruit resemble a honkie doll. The
genes can be adjusted to represent an individual honkie felon very accurately but it takes several weeks for
capsica to fruit. It may be possible to collect future fruit by Tardis but, in fact, although these might have
been presented to Market, that these are in current time and location is only an illusion. It may that way be
possible to conform with honkie food regulations, but we are not averse to providing the degenerates with
nutrition… and it may alarm the honkies… not that that matters.. that their teeth go straight through the
fruit without causing any impression and that when they suppose the fruit to be within their stomachs, they
move away and the capsica. Remain. The idea was not entirely new to Fanny and there were some plants on
Ozzie bin Ladin’s ranch – dating back to Fanny and Fatima’s more romantic and carefree days in their
secret pavilion.. if that is a description of planning a revolution, that everyone knows about, in a hideout that
everyone knows about… which fruit with some resemblance to honkie dolls. They could be transported to
Remote Planets on which there is botanical time acceleration..one of the Fanny’s more recent discoveries…
but it is not certain that there are no problems with time and location. These capsica were kept in reserve
and Gloria relied on those from the ranch. A bonker might have to be simulated at short notice and some
artistic skill was a requirement….Priority was given to honkie recidivists attending the Market .. and bonkers
were presented, for consumption, representations of themselves. No harm befel the criminals. It was just for

Amongst such honoured guests was a Mr. Vanquish who described himself as a bonker. Ms. Gloria
‘Vendredi’ Goldenlay, Gloria’s daughter who, together with her ompanion, Nicky ‘Pip Panpierre’
Nikodemopoulos received an invitation from Mr. Vanquish. Well… Vendredi didn’t… The letter was
addressed to Tiddles, who is a sabre-toothed tiger sister, pommie style, who resides.. some of the time.. at
Vendredi and Pip’s Palais at West Brighton. Tiddles had been ‘specially selected’, as worthy case, by a
computer, presumably. Vendredi passed on the letter, and the voluminous list of ‘conditions’, to Mycroft,
who possesses a powerful magnifying glass to verify her suspicions that Mr. Vanquish is what is known as a
loan shark. Possibly Tiddles had overspent on her credit cards. If so, Vendredi did not know about it.
Vendredi inquired, but Tiddles did not confess. Loan sharks focus on honkie wanted slaves who are heavily
in debt. They offer to ‘consolidate’ the debts and give the felon the opportunity to get into even greater
debt… for which the loan shark charges extravagant interest. The punters, presumably, never pay their
debts. Most mathematicians and honkologists regard this as impossible. However, honkie bonkers have an
accounting procedure whereby further loans are generated to pay the interest and these payments of interest
are faithfully recorded as the banco’s profit. Mycroft has sent me a long screed, apparently in Greek
shorthand. It seems that Mr. Vanquish’s banco has a credit card issued by somebody called Mr. Viaa, who
acts for pinkiland bancos collectively. He borrows from these more notorious bancos and hands the cash
over to the punters. Neither Mycroft nor I can see how this is good business on the part of these notorious
bancos, who presumably have foreclosed the punters’ accounts because of their escalating debts. Mr.
Vanquish is charging much higher imaginary interest than the original bancos would charge if they paid the
bankrupt punters directly…plus various service charges. Unless Mr. Vanquish is the same person as this
Mr. Visa.. or it may be Madamme Visa. Possibly the bancos do not have to fork out when they, under the
guise of Mr. Vanquish, go broke.

Not that that makes any difference to the bancos. The more prudent and responsible,, if there are any left
and if they have anything left to steal.. always have to pay for the irresponsible and stupid wanted
slaves…and their pussycats. There borrowers will prove to have been mis-sold or misled or they didn’t
understand the terms and the less fortunate prudent sisters, not the bancos, will have to pay up. The honkie
11305FID.BON                                                                      19

terrorists imagine that the bancos are a bottomless mine of wealth… The terrorists like to pretend that the
bancos are a bottomless well of wealth… but it is the prudent punters who pay..

Not that the pussy cats are the problem. Gloria and Fatima tell me that the honkie monetarism is quite
simple.. easy to understand. The provisions of the honkie are limited to amount for which they can pay..
which in turn depends on their laws of supply and demand. This is the Ole Oikonomia. Gloria and Fatima
say they have never had any difficultly in explaining the honkie financial system to a sabre-toothed-tiger but
that it is impossible to explain it to a honkie. They always come up with the meaningless jargon of the Nu
Oikonomia. The New Oikonomia confuses economics with political ideology. Everything in honkiland is
confused with political ideologies. The Nu Oikonomia purports that debt and inflation are, in some manner,
creations of wealth.. a rationalisation of the indebted governments of terrorists. The Nu Oikonomia is full of
miracles. It says here that the pommies will be better off it everyone stops working,, even if performing some
useful function, though the holes in the road must continue – as Economic Growth – and the retirement age
must be raised because there aren’t any jobs. It is impossible to see the solutions via the Nu Oikonomia
because there are no visible first principles.. It is all money and no link is produced with reality. Every week
some new expert appears with some new incomprehensible theory and jargon which everyone automatically
takes on board and with which all pretend to have always been familiar… though the worship of waste, of
Economic Growth remains. You have to prick up your ears when you hear, eventually, from a Professor
from their Cambridge University. That University is full of witches and they may even be right. We had a
Professor from Cambridge surface at our Domestic Market. She spoke Nu Laeba. The terrorists dished out
money to put up the price of houses in order to create a ‘feelgood factor’, obvious rubbish that you might
expect from a jounralist, not to consolidate the enslavement of the wanted slaves, to abolish property and to
get rid of the unwanted slaves. But she admitted that the terrorists had done so and had done so deliberately.
She told the same history, previously taboo in honkiland, that Gloria and Lila have been reciting for decades,
even though disguised as an implausible fantasy of the Nu Laeba thieves.

If a sabre toothed tigress can understand honkiland finance, then maybe I am not taking too much risk by
offering the occasional comment. Can’t be bothered. You can refer to the ‘terms and conditions’ posted on
our site. It seems to me that you cannot escape from charges…. And…. typical interest rates…annual
equivalent… this means the compound accumulation of daily interest rates…for simple calculation the
mistake of assuming that the daily rates are added up does not make that much difference. ,, 33.97 per cent,
or 44.1 per cent, or 85 per cent…. There is no special significance in these figures. They are just numbers.
It could be anything. There is here a calculation of the actual payments corresponding to various interest
rates… on the basis of various ‘credit limits’…You can borrow more, but then the interest rate is
considerably higher. 1200 pommie pfunt per month, for instance, and 69.9 per cent…. Another number…
around 370 pommie pfunt per month…. There is something not quite right here… the figure has to be an
underestimate….Ah! Mycroft also notes that the figures do not seem quite right. The figures assume,
Mycroft informs us, that the punter is repaying and not escalating his debt progressively. It is very unlikely
that a honkie would read this bumph and the honkie would not understand it if she did. However, if she
came part of the way to understanding, she would certainlty be misled and underestimate the degree to which
her debts were escalating. At any rate… you can compare these interest rates.. 33.97…85.0 with their
Measles, Mumps, Rubella Interest Rates paid to those enveigled into lending to the terrorists.

We hope that Mr. Vanquish, embarrassed by the severity of his Fragilitas Ossium, received some
compensation in the nourishing whalemeat, enclosed in capsica that were an artistic representation of
himself. If he has not eaten them he could sell them to one of his clients at Southerby’s. Gloria may not
have been outrageously friendly. She had it in for loan sharks… or suspected loan sharks. I know nothing
about this Mr Vanquish nor about any of our other honkie guests and would not wish to offend their lawyers.
Gloria is not overpleased in her management of the pommie subsidiary of the Pension Fund of the Belsized-
Registered Poncho Bolero International Pharmaceuticals Corporation of Colombia. Some formerly mutal
Building Society in which the fund has bonds.. Kent Reliant it may be called.. has been taken over. I don’t
know who has taken it over. Gloria probably hasn’t either. But because she didn’t know who the purchasers
were .. and because the name seemed vaguely familiar amid the correspondence sent to pussy cats, she
assumed it must be a loan shark. Assuming that she assumed also that the loan shark had no assets nor
credability other than income from imaginary interest payments to which I have referred and was planning to
give away her funds. Gloria’s disdain of loan sharks was not entirely misguided. Every suspected loan
shark that attended the gathering succumbed to severe Acute Fragilitas Ossium and was presented with a
digestible honkie doll.
11305FID.BON                                                                    20

Our resentment, on behalf of our expatriate sisters.. not resentment… rational disapproval and artistic
effigies… was particularly directed against the Nu Laeba terrorists who have been enveigling the unwanted
slaves into lending them money and are now using their MMR as am excuse, in a hyperinflationary
economy, to pay no interest. The victims were told that these loans to the terrorists would be their pension.
Those enticed into the ISAs, the Income Bonds, and the Praemium Bonds no find they are being paid no
interest. Where a slave had previously invested in a supposed pension of two hundred pommie pfunt a week
– the punter discovered that he was now being paid one pommie pfennig. Where we have had mega-
bonfires, though these have only been trials conducted by our engineers, the effigy has been of the yankie
gangster, Ned Kelly. He was the hitman recruited by the Ayatollahs who intimidated President Gorgo of
pommiland into his overnight creation of the 0.5 per cent measles, mumps, rubella.

I recently popped over to the Maltesas. I suppose I am, in their eyes, a honkie. Honkie and Inca do seem
to have become variable fixtures.. a bit like Hebrew and Philistinian. Philistini is singular and
Philistinian is plural. But the Amazons are not too bothered if you come to visit, so long as you go away
again.. and, the way they look at it, no honkie would chose to remain in the Maltesas. The Maltesas may
be the safest and most prosperous location on Terra – and the most globally warmed – but they take
Sisterhood to such extremes that are not everyone’s goblet of hemlock.

The Midianite witch, Miriam, was also visiting the Maltesas. Miriam is a renowned alchemist, the
discoverer of alchemy – or she was told about it, she says, by the Dinosaurs – and the Amazons now have
a three year old accomplished alchemist, Jamie Maxwell, a former pupil of Saint Trinians. Miriam, who
rarely, if ever, has previously visied the goyim, was keen, so it is said in the Tetrarchy, to team up with
Jamie to promote the products of the Maggy Bros, the Midianite Funeral Directors. So I was offered the
opportunity, if I found an excuse for visiting the Maltesas, of bumping into Miriam. I made out that the
Philistinians had an interest in the peaceful uses of Polonium. As regards the bumbing into Miriam, I
had no specific objective in mind – though Herod is not universally popular amongst the Philistinians,
whereas Miriam is. Just about all Philistinian squaws are named after Miriam.... which is confusing.
But in Italia and Hispania provinces there is even greater confusion. There not only the squaws but also
the Machos are there named after her. Although Moshe is acceptable, our machos are usually called
Judas. I don’t know after whom they are named, though the expansionist Joshua may have an ancestor
of that name.. and Judas may even be his own middle name. ..between Expansionist and Joshua. Miriam,
however, just went on about Mycroft Patel’s modifications af the magic carpets she invented and about
the honkie incineration of the products of photosynthesis rarifying the atmosphere by removal of
oxygen.. and , indirectly, also carbon dioxide, exposing the honkies to global cooling….

I took the opportunity of vising Gloria’s Domestic Market. Gloria assured me that the Amazons had
never supposed me to be a Nu Laeba terrorist. I was traditionally featured as the King of Diamonds on
Amazon playing cards.. because the Philistinians are regularly Jewellers in honkiland, just as the Vandals
are estate agents. It could be that on some occasions a standard pack had gotten mixed up with the cards
representing the terrorists or, maybe, honkie reporters had picked up a standard pack by mistake. I was
also introduced to Ms. Minerva, or Minnie, Miniskirt, the Amazon Minister of Truth. Minnie, who
turns out to be a Cousin of Mossada Miniskirt, Mrs. Caliban’s security advisor, thought I might be in a
position to explain recent newsworthy events in the Tetrarchy.

I am no more an authority on the innermost thoughts of King Herod than you are. But the events are
newsworthy in so much that they have resulted in my being appointed proconsul of the Tetrarchy. So I
am now in a rush to get back to my legions and my duties.. but the former governor has taken the hint.
Although Herod has been a burden on the Philistinians.. on the Hebrews.. and, as we saw it, Herod and
his toadies had secured the support of the King of Italy by posing as quislings, pretending to be friends of
the Italians rather than deceiving them and using them. Quisling is an Italian word… Quis – who – and
Linctus – licked … colloquial Italian for a sycophant. Herod had persuaded the Italians that he was a
just and popular ruler who would bring them a good name within the Tetrarchy, whereas, really, he was
using the Italian protection to promote his Hebrew priests, Eunuchs and fatcatties at the expense of the
Philistinians, who have even been denied the right to earn a living. More recently, however, it has come
to the attention of the King of Italy that Herod is a tyrant who has been getting the Italians a bad name.
Actually, despite Herod’s turpitude, these gatherings in the vicinity of the Temple have really been little
more than the riots or disturbances that take place wherever there are gatherings of honkie journalists.
11305FID.BON                                                                 21

These folk are a few thousand in a population of a million or more – less in number than the legionaries
now at my disposal – and are not Philistinians but prosperous Hebrews with the time and energy for such
follies who make a fuss because some nobody has told them to make a fuss. Herod could probably have
gotten away with arrest of a couple of supposed ringleaders, blackening their characters and threatening
them with crucifxion. Few have supposed that it is worth striving for a better option than Herod and we
don’t blame the Italians for being duped. It is Herod’s own panic and over-reaction that has been his
downfall. You should not accord credibility to everything that is twittered. As Minnie informed you,
Herod has not been sacked but I have taken over his powers. What powers? What am I supposed to do
with a whole lot of dancing girls. ..but the King of Italy has chosen to impose a more orderly regulation
upon Herod’s business interests.. which, if Herod has not been too reckless, might pay the wages of a
couple of legions.

11305FID.MIN Copyright of Ms Minerva Miniskirt, Villa Minihaha, Isle de Phukit, FCTF, 5.3.11

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