THE CONFESSIONS by dfgh4bnmu

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									JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU

THE CONFESSIONS
(In 12 books)
Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK I.


CONTENTS:
  Introduction--S.W. Orson
  Book I.



INTRODUCTION.

Among the notable books of later times-we may say, without exaggeration,
of all time--must be reckoned The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau.
It deals with leading personages and transactions of a momentous epoch,
when absolutism and feudalism were rallying for their last struggle
against the modern spirit, chiefly represented by Voltaire, the
Encyclopedists, and Rousseau himself--a struggle to which, after many
fierce intestine quarrels and sanguinary wars throughout Europe and
America, has succeeded the prevalence of those more tolerant and rational
principles by which the statesmen of our own day are actuated.

On these matters, however, it is not our province to enlarge; nor is it
necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author's political,
religious, and philosophic axioms and systems, his paradoxes and his
errors in logic: these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed
over by contending factions that little is left for even the most
assiduous gleaner in the field. The inquirer will find, in Mr. John
Money's excellent work, the opinions of Rousseau reviewed succinctly and
impartially. The 'Contrat Social', the 'Lattres Ecrites de la Montagne',
and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy, may therefore
be left in the repose to which they have long been consigned, so far as
the mass of mankind is concerned, though they must always form part of
the library of the politician and the historian. One prefers to turn to
the man Rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us.

That the task which he undertook in offering to show himself--as Persius
puts it--'Intus et in cute', to posterity, exceeded his powers, is a

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trite criticism; like all human enterprises, his purpose was only
imperfectly fulfilled; but this circumstance in no way lessens the
attractive qualities of his book, not only for the student of history or
psychology, but for the intelligent man of the world. Its startling
frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other
autobiographies.

Many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this
strangely constituted being, and some have pronounced upon him very
severe sentences. Let it be said once for all that his faults and
mistakes were generally due to causes over which he had but little
control, such as a defective education, a too acute sensitiveness, which
engendered suspicion of his fellows, irresolution, an overstrained sense
of honour and independence, and an obstinate refusal to take advice from
those who really wished to befriend him; nor should it be forgotten that
he was afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable
disease.

Lord Byron had a soul near akin to Rousseau's, whose writings naturally
made a deep impression on the poet's mind, and probably had an influence
on his conduct and modes of thought: In some stanzas of 'Childe Harold'
this sympathy is expressed with truth and power; especially is the
weakness of the Swiss philosopher's character summed up in the following
admirable lines:

     "Here the self-torturing sophist, wild Rousseau,
      The apostle of affliction, he who threw
      Enchantment over passion, and from woe
      Wrung overwhelming eloquence, first drew
      The breath which made him wretched; yet he knew
      How to make madness beautiful, and cast
      O'er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue
      Of words, like sunbeams, dazzling as they passed
      The eyes, which o'er them shed tears feelingly and fast.

     "His life was one long war with self-sought foes,
      Or friends by him self-banished; for his mind
      Had grown Suspicion's sanctuary, and chose,
      For its own cruel sacrifice, the kind,
      'Gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind.
      But he was frenzied,-wherefore, who may know?
      Since cause might be which skill could never find;
      But he was frenzied by disease or woe
      To that worst pitch of all, which wears a reasoning show."

One would rather, however, dwell on the brighter hues of the picture than
on its shadows and blemishes; let us not, then, seek to "draw his
frailties from their dread abode." His greatest fault was his
renunciation of a father's duty to his offspring; but this crime he
expiated by a long and bitter repentance. We cannot, perhaps, very
readily excuse the way in which he has occasionally treated the memory of

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his mistress and benefactress. That he loved Madame de Warens--his
'Mamma'--deeply and sincerely is undeniable, notwithstanding which he now
and then dwells on her improvidence and her feminine indiscretions with
an unnecessary and unbecoming lack of delicacy that has an unpleasant
effect on the reader, almost seeming to justify the remark of one of his
most lenient critics--that, after all, Rousseau had the soul of a lackey.
He possessed, however, many amiable and charming qualities, both as a man
and a writer, which were evident to those amidst whom he lived, and will
be equally so to the unprejudiced reader of the Confessions. He had a
profound sense of justice and a real desire for the improvement and
advancement of the race. Owing to these excellences he was beloved to
the last even by persons whom he tried to repel, looking upon them as
members of a band of conspirators, bent upon destroying his domestic
peace and depriving him of the means of subsistence.

Those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to
the 'Confessions' are the 'Reveries d'un Promeneur Solitaire' and
'La Nouvelle Heloise'. His correspondence throws much light on his life
and character, as do also parts of 'Emile'. It is not easy in our day to
realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of
'La Nouvelle Heloise'. Julie and Saint-Preux became names to conjure
with; their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by
the tender-hearted fair; indeed, in composing this work, Rousseau may be
said to have done for Switzerland what the author of the Waverly Novels
did for Scotland, turning its mountains, lakes and islands, formerly
regarded with aversion, into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose
joys and sorrows appealed irresistibly to every breast. Shortly after
its publication began to flow that stream of tourists and travellers
which tends to make Switzerland not only more celebrated but more opulent
every year. It, is one of the few romances written in the epistolary
form that do not oppress the reader with a sense of languor and
unreality; for its creator poured into its pages a tide of passion
unknown to his frigid and stilted predecessors, and dared to depict
Nature as she really is, not as she was misrepresented by the modish
authors and artists of the age. Some persons seem shy of owning an
acquaintance with this work; indeed, it has been made the butt of
ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school. Its faults and its
beauties are on the surface; Rousseau's own estimate is freely expressed
at the beginning of the eleventh book of the Confessions and elsewhere.
It might be wished that the preface had been differently conceived and
worded; for the assertion made therein that the book may prove dangerous
has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of Index, and good folk who never
read a line of it blush at its name. Its "sensibility," too, is a little
overdone, and has supplied the wits with opportunities for satire; for
example, Canning, in his 'New Morality':

        "Sweet Sensibility, who dwells enshrined
         In the fine foldins of the feeling mind....
         Sweet child of sickly Fancy!-her of yore
         From her loved France Rousseau to exile bore;
         And while 'midst lakes and mountains wild he ran,

                                                                            3
         Full of himself, and shunned the haunts of man,
         Taught her o'er each lone vale and Alpine, steep
         To lisp the story of his wrongs and weep."

As might be imagined, Voltaire had slight sympathy with our social
reformer's notions and ways of promulgating them, and accordingly took
up his wonted weapons--sarcasm and ridicule--against poor Jean-Jacques.
The quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in this place;
but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and social
history of the time. In the work with which we are immediately
concerned, the author seems to avoid frequent mention of Voltaire, even
where we should most expect it. However, the state of his mind when he
penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation to
this as well as other occurrences.

Rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date,
but obvious causes prevented this: hence it is believed that a summary of
the chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of place
here.

On quitting the Ile de Saint-Pierre he travelled to Strasbourg, where he
was warmly received, and thence to Paris, arriving in that city on
December I6, 1765. The Prince de Conti provided him with a lodging in
the Hotel Saint-Simon, within the precincts of the Temple--a place of
sanctuary for those under the ban of authority. 'Every one was eager to
see the illustrious proscript, who complained of being made a daily show,
"like Sancho Panza in his island of Barataria." During his short stay in
the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting to come
from the Great Frederick, but really written by Horace Walpole. This
cruel, clumsy, and ill-timed joke angered Rousseau, who ascribed it to,
Voltaire. A few sentences may be quoted:

   "My Dear Jean-Jacques,--You have renounced Geneva, your native
   place. You have caused your expulsion from Switzerland, a country
   so extolled in your writings; France has issued a warrant against
   you: so do you come to me. My states offer you a peaceful retreat.
   I wish you well, and will treat you well, if you will let me. But,
   if you persist in refusing my help, do not reckon upon my telling
   any one that you did so. If you are bent on tormenting your spirit
   to find new misfortunes, choose whatever you like best. I am a
   king, and can procure them for you at your pleasure; and, what will
   certainly never happen to you in respect of your enemies, I will
   cease to persecute you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being
   persecuted. Your good friend,
                              "FREDERICK."


Early in 1766 David Hume persuaded Rousseau to go with him to England,
where the exile could find a secure shelter. In London his appearance
excited general attention. Edmund Burke had an interview with him and
held that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character.

                                                                            4
Mr. Davenport, to whom he was introduced by Hume, generously offered
Rousseau a home at Wootton, in Staffordshire, near the, Peak Country; the
latter, however, would only accept the offer on condition that he should
pay a rent of L 30 a year. He was accorded a pension of L 100 by George
III., but declined to draw after the first annual payment. The climate
and scenery of Wootton being similar to those of his native country, he
was at first delighted with his new abode, where he lived with Therese,
and devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first six books of
his Confessions. Soon, however, his old hallucinations acquired
strength, and Rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent upon his
capture, if not his death. In June, 1766, he wrote a violent letter to
Hume, calling him "one of the worst of men." Literary Paris had combined
with Hume and the English Government to surround him--as he supposed
--with guards and spies; he revolved in his troubled mind all the reports
and rumours he had heard for months and years; Walpole's forged letter
rankled in his bosom; and in the spring of 1767 he fled; first to
Spalding, in Lincolnshire, and subsequently to Calais, where he landed in
May.

On his arrival in France his restless and wandering disposition forced
him continually to change his residence, and acquired for him the title
of "Voyageur Perpetuel." While at Trye, in Gisors, in 1767--8, he wrote
the second part of the Confessions. He had assumed the surname of Renou,
and about this time he declared before two witnesses that Therese was his
wife--a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of marriage. In
1770 he took up his abode in Paris, where he lived continuously for seven
years, in a street which now bears his name, and gained a living by
copying music. Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, the author of 'Paul and
Virginia', who became acquainted with him in 1772, has left some
interesting particulars of Rousseau's daily mode of life at this period.
Monsieur de Girardin having offered him an asylum at Ermemonville in the
spring of 1778, he and Therese went thither to reside, but for no long
time. On the 3d of July, in the same year, this perturbed spirit at last
found rest, stricken by apoplexy. A rumor that he had committed suicide
was circulated, but the evidence of trustworthy witnesses, including a
physician, effectually contradicts this accusation. His remains, first
interred in the Ile des Peupliers, were, after the Revolution, removed to
the Pantheon. In later times the Government of Geneva made some
reparation for their harsh treatment of a famous citizen, and erected his
statue, modelled by his compatriot, Pradier, on an island in the Rhone.

        "See nations, slowly wise and meanly just,
         To buried merit raise the tardy bust."

November, 1896.
                           S. W. ORSON.




                                                                            5
                  THE CONFESSIONS

                      OF

                   J. J. ROUSSEAU


BOOK I.

I have entered upon a performance which is without example, whose
accomplishment will have no imitator. I mean to present my
fellow-mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature; and this man
shall be myself.

I know my heart, and have studied mankind; I am not made like any one I
have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence; if not
better, I at least claim originality, and whether Nature did wisely in
breaking the mould with which she formed me, can only be determined after
having read this work.

Whenever the last trumpet shall sound, I will present myself before the
sovereign judge with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim, thus have
I acted; these were my thoughts; such was I. With equal freedom and
veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked, I have concealed no
crimes, added no virtues; and if I have sometimes introduced superfluous
ornament, it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory:
I may have supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable, but
have never asserted as truth, a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I
have declared myself; sometimes vile and despicable, at others, virtuous,
generous and sublime; even as thou hast read my inmost soul: Power
eternal! assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my
fellow-mortals, let them listen to my confessions, let them blush at my
depravity, let them tremble at my sufferings; let each in his turn expose
with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his heart, and, if
he dare, aver, I was better than that man.

I was born at Geneva, in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Susannah
Bernard, citizens. My father's share of a moderate competency, which was
divided among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business of a
watchmaker (in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity) was his
only dependence. My mother's circumstances were more affluent; she was
daughter of a Mons. Bernard, minister, and possessed a considerable share
of modesty and beauty; indeed, my father found some difficulty in
obtaining her hand.

The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as
their existence; at eight or nine years old they walked together every
evening on the banks of the Treille, and before they were ten, could not
support the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul confined
those sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced; born with
minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness, it

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was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions; that moment
fortunately presented itself, and each surrendered a willing heart.

The obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to
their affection, and the young lover, not being able to obtain his
mistress, was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She advised him to
travel--to forget her. He consented--he travelled, but returned more
passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find her equally constant,
equally tender. After this proof of mutual affection, what could they
resolve?--to dedicate their future lives to love! the resolution was
ratified with a vow, on which Heaven shed its benediction.

Fortunately, my mother's brother, Gabriel Bernard, fell in love with one
of my father's sisters; she had no objection to the match, but made the
marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary.
Love soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings were celebrated
the same day: thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt, and their
children were doubly cousins german. Before a year was expired, both had
the happiness to become fathers, but were soon after obliged to submit to
a separation.

My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the empire and
Hungary, under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at the siege
and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my only brother,
set off, on recommendation, for Constantinople, and was appointed
watchmaker to the Seraglio. During his absence, the beauty, wit, and
accomplishments--

   [They were too brilliant for her situation, the minister, her
   father, having bestowed great pains on her education. She was aught
   drawing, singing, and to play on the theorbo; had learning, and
   wrote very agreeable verses. The following is an extempore piece
   which she composed in the absence of her husband and brother, in a
   conversation with some person relative to them, while walking with
   her sister--in--law, and their two children:

            Ces deux messieurs, qui sont absens,
            Nous sont chers e bien des manieres;
            Ce sont nos amiss, nos amans,
            Ce sont nos maris et nos freres,
            Et les peres de ces enfans.

            These absent ones, who just claim
            Our hearts, by every tender name,
            To whom each wish extends
            Our husbands and our brothers are,
            The fathers of this blooming pair,
            Our lovers and our friends.]

of my mother attracted a number of admirers, among whom Mons. de la
Closure, Resident of France, was the most assiduous in his attentions.

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His passion must have been extremely violent, since after a period of
thirty years I have seen him affected at the very mention of her name.
My mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue; she tenderly
loved my father, and conjured him to return; his inclination seconding
his request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to
Geneva.

I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months after,
in a very weakly and infirm state; my birth cost my mother her life, and
was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my father supported
her loss at that time, but I know he was ever after inconsolable. In me
he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented, but could never
forget I had been the innocent cause of his misfortune, nor did he ever
embrace me, but his sighs, the convulsive pressure of his arms, witnessed
that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses, though, as may be
supposed, they were not on this account less ardent. When he said to me,
"Jean Jacques, let us talk of your mother," my usual reply was, "Yes,
father, but then, you know, we shall cry," and immediately the tears
started from his eyes. "Ah!" exclaimed he, with agitation, "Give me back
my wife; at least console me for her loss; fill up, dear boy, the void
she has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus wert thou only my son?"
Forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of his second wife,
but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still was her image
engraved on his heart.

Such were the authors of my being: of all the gifts it had pleased Heaven
to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me;
this had been the source of their felicity, it was the foundation of all
my misfortunes.

I came into the world with so few signs of life, that they entertained
but little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a disorder that has
gathered strength with years, and from which I am now relieved at
intervals, only to suffer a different, though more intolerable evil.
I owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters, an amiable and
virtuous girl, who took the most tender care of me; she is yet living,
nursing, at the age of four--score, a husband younger than herself, but
worn out with excessive drinking. Dear aunt! I freely forgive your
having preserved my life, and only lament that it is not in my power to
bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you
lavished on the first dawn of mine. My nurse, Jaqueline, is likewise
living: and in good health--the hands that opened my eyes to the light of
this world may close them at my death. We suffer before we think; it is
the common lot of humanity. I experienced more than my proportion of it.
I have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year; I
recollect nothing of learning to read, I only remember what effect the
first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind; and from that
moment I date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself.

Every night, after supper, we read some part of a small collection of
romances which had been my mother's. My father's design was only to

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improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were
calculated to give me a fondness for it; but we soon found ourselves so
interested in the adventures they contained, that we alternately read
whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at the
conclusion of a volume. Sometimes, in a morning, on hearing the swallows
at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness, would cry,
"Come, come, let us go to bed; I am more a child than thou art."

I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme facility
in reading and comprehending, but, for my age, a too intimate
acquaintance with the passions. An infinity of sensations were familiar
to me, without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they
related--I had conceived nothing--I had felt the whole. This confused
succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason,
though they added an extravagant, romantic notion of human life, which
experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate.

My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719, the following
winter was differently employed. My mother's library being quite
exhausted, we had recourse to that part of her father's which had
devolved to us; here we happily found some valuable books, which was by
no means extraordinary, having been selected by a minister that truly
deserved that title, in whom learning (which was the rage of the times)
was but a secondary commendation, his taste and good sense being most
conspicuous. The history of the Church and Empire by Le Sueur,
Bossuett's Discourses on Universal History, Plutarch's Lives, the history
of Venice by Nani, Ovid's Metamorphoses, La Bruyere, Fontenelle's World,
his Dialogues of the Dead, and a few volumes of Moliere, were soon ranged
in my father's closet, where, during the hours he was employed in his
business, I daily read them, with an avidity and taste uncommon, perhaps
unprecedented at my age.

Plutarch presently became my greatest favorite. The satisfaction I
derived from repeated readings I gave this author, extinguished my
passion for romances, and I shortly preferred Agesilaus, Brutus, and
Aristides, to Orondates, Artemenes, and Juba. These interesting
studies, seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my
father, produced that republican spirit and love of liberty, that haughty
and invincible turn of mind, which rendered me impatient of restraint or
servitude, and became the torment of my life, as I continually found
myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments. Incessantly
occupied with Rome and Athens, conversing, if I may so express myself
with their illustrious heroes; born the citizen of a republic, of a
father whose ruling passion was a love of his country, I was fired with
these examples; could fancy myself a Greek or Roman, and readily give
into the character of the personage whose life I read; transported by the
recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity,
animation flashed from my eyes, and gave my voice additional strength and
energy. One day, at table, while relating the fortitude of Scoevola,
they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over
a hot chafing--dish, to represent more forcibly the action of that

                                                                            9
determined Roman.

My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my
father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me
might be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a fault
which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by this
neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at
an age to be really one. My father tried what effect placing him with a
master would produce, but he still persisted in the same ill conduct.
Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were
acquainted. I loved him tenderly, and believe he had as strong an
affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be
supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father was correcting
him severely, I threw myself between them, embracing my brother, whom I
covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed for him; I persisted
so obstinately in my protection, that either softened by my cries and
tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his anger subsided, and he pardoned
his fault. In the end, my brother's conduct became so bad that he
suddenly disappeared, and we learned some time after that he was in
Germany, but he never wrote to us, and from that day we heard no news of
him: thus I became an only son.

If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother,
for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and
tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the
family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never
a spoiled child; was never permitted, while under paternal inspection,
to play in the street with other children; never had any occasion to
contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually
attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious
education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton,
and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits,
or, indeed, any kind of eatables; but never took delight in mischievous
waste, in accusing others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect,
indeed, that one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to
church, I made water in her kettle: the remembrance even now makes me
smile, for Madame Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature)
was one of the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I
given a brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions.

How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only
examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in
the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our
neighbors, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true,
but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little
to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted, that I
was hardly sensible of possessing any, and can solemnly aver I was an
absolute stranger to caprice until after I had experienced the authority
of a master.

Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father,

                                                                            10
or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt; and
whether seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or
standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected
gayety, the charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible
impressions on my mind, that her manner, look, and attitude are still
before my eyes; I recollect a thousand little caressing questions; could
describe her clothes, her head-dress, nor have the two curls of fine
black hair which hung on her temples, according to the mode of that time,
escaped my memory.

Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself until
a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am
indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung with
great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were
conspicuous in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made all round
her happy.

The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several
of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not
thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my mind with a
charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old dotard
like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometime surprise
himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous, and broken by
age, muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my
infancy? There is one song in particular, whose tune I perfectly
recollect, but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly
refuse every effort to recall them, though I have a confused idea of the
rhymes. The beginning, with what I have been able to recollect of the
remainder, is as follows:

            Tircis, je n'ose
            Ecouter ton Chalumeau
            Sous l'Ormeau;
            Car on en cause
            Deja dans notre hameau.
            ---- ---- -------
            ------ --- un Berger
            s'engager
            sans danger,
            Et toujours l'epine est sons la rose.


I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on
the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable.
I only know, that before I get to the end of it, I always find my voice
interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a
hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the remainder
of these words, if any one should chance to know them: but I am almost
certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be greatly
diminished was I assured any one but my poor aunt Susan had sung them.


                                                                            11
Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and
demonstrate itself, a heart, at once haughty and tender, a character
effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and
courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to myself;
causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence, equally to shun
me.

This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose
consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel
with M. G----, who had a captain's commission in France, and was related
to several of the Council. This G----, who was an insolent, ungenerous
man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be revenged, accused my
father of having drawn his sword on him in the city, and in consequence
of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison. He insisted
(according to the law of this republic) that the accuser should be
confined at the same time; and not being able to obtain this, preferred a
voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life, to giving up a point
by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty.

I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time
employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest
daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to
Bossey, to board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we were to learn
Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of
education.

Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman
fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva,
where nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my
principal amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected,
I was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming
in my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments,
and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time has not been able to
extinguish; nor have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil
pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my childhood; the remembrance having
followed me through every age, even to that in which I am hastening again
towards it.

M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our
instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks tedious.
What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that notwithstanding
my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my studies is never
attended with disgust; and, if my improvement was trivial, it was
obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory.

The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my
heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had hitherto
formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether imaginary.
The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my
cousin Bernard; my affection was more ardent than that I had felt for my
brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He was a tall, lank,

                                                                            12
weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was feeble, and who did not
wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my
guardian. Our studies, amusements, and tasks, were the same; we were
alone; each wanted a playmate; to separate would in some measure, have
been to annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of
demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme; and
so far from enduring the thought of separation, we could not even form an
idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a disposition
to be won by kindness, and complaisant, when not soured by contradiction,
we agreed in every particular. If, by the favor of those who governed us
he had the ascendant while in their presence, I was sure to acquire it
when we were alone, and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in
friendship. If he hesitated in repeating his task, I prompted him; when
my exercises were finished, I helped to write his; and, in our
amusements, my disposition being most active, ever had the lead. In a
word, our characters accorded so well, and the friendship that subsisted
between us was so cordial, that during the five years we were at Bossey
and Geneva we were inseparable: we often fought, it is true, but there
never was any occasion to separate us. No one of our quarrels lasted
more than a quarter of an hour, and never in our lives did we make any
complaint of each other. It may be said, these remarks are frivolous;
but, perhaps, a similiar example among children can hardly be produced.

The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my
disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have
fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate,
benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind
ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an
extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk
again into my original languor. To be loved by every one who knew me was
my most ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and
those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions. Everything
contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted
in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor
witness of any violent emotions.

I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content, not only with
me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church,
nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate,
than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and
uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of
faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was
sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was
feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being
reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making
her uneasy.

Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but
as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted
at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of
treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this

                                                                            13
indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more
conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation,
did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as
frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence.

As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a
mother's authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it, the
punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a
treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found
the reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more
unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who
had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was
scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return of
the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the
smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was
well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a
quite contrary effect; but from a man of his disposition this was not
probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was merely from
a fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided by the
passions, has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my
heart.

This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate,
arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I
profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the last
time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this
chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too
fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had
slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two
days after another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had
the honor (which I could very well have dispensed with) of being treated
by her as a great boy.

Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old,
from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities,
my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a
contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very
incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary
turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no
further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality, almost from my birth,
preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose
their insensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on
every handsome woman with delight; imagination incessantly brought their
charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss
Lamberciers.

If ever education was perfectly chaste, it was certainly that I received;
my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but maintained a
degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary.
My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of
the last than the present century, and he never expressed his affection

                                                                            14
for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at;
indeed, it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we
owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one I had
any concern with. An equal degree of reserve in this particular was
observed at M. Lambercier's, where a good maid-servant was discharged for
having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to
contain some degree of indelicacy. I had no precise idea of the ultimate
effect of the passions, but the conception I had formed was extremely
disgusting; I entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could
I look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror.

These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the first
explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened, as I have
already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in
me, for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was
satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been
acquainted with, and sought no further.

Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely ardent,
without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the
passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea of;
and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only
associated with the other. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has
always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have
passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired,
without daring to disclose my wishes.

To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or
implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more
my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more I
acquired the appearance of a whining lover.

It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not
attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its
object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of, I have not been
excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in
concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved my
moral chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same
inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery,
might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses.

I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful
maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in
divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely ridiculous. I am
now assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose,
nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these
acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I declare, that during
the whole of my life, though frequently laboring under the most violent
agitation, being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which
(when in company with those I loved) deprived me of the faculty of sight
and hearing, I could never, in the course of the most unbounded

                                                                            15
familiarity, acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly, and
implore the only favor that remained to bestow.

In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find
elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a
simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the same, have, by
the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different
combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any affinity; who
would believe, for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my
soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease
mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit
this subject, I will add a striking instance of the different effects
they produced.

One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, the
maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the fire, and on
coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of
one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one
but myself had entered the room: I was questioned, but denied having any
knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but
all to no purpose; I obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this
was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood,
appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations.
This affair was thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy,
were considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be
administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he
arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious,
we were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great
severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself, they had sought ever
to allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter method
to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure my readers, I was for a
long time freed from the dominion of them.

As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment,
which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a
deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to
suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to yield
to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was bestowed
on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn, it is true,
but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this adventure--the fear
of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in the face of Heaven, I
was absolutely innocent: and, so far from breaking, or even touching the
comb, never came near the fire. It will be asked, how did this mischief
happen? I can form no conception of it, I only know my own innocence.

Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were
docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in its
passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated with
mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even support the idea
of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so violent an instance of
it, inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What perversion of

                                                                            16
ideas! What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my little being,
intelligent and moral!--let any one, I say, if possible, imagine all
this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my
mind at that period.

My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in
the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me, I only
beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had
not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the smart I suffered, though
violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation,
rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances,
having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated
crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced
each other with convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and when
our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination,
we sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a hundred times,
Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! executioner, tormentor.

Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a
hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be fresh
in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply
engraved on my soul, that every relative idea renews my emotion: the
sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to
myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely
detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the
sight or relation of any act of injustice (whatever may be the object, or
wheresoever it may be perpetrated) as if I was the immediate sufferer.
When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle
machination of a knavish designing priest, I could on the instant set off
to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt.

I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a
cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was
conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me,
and I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the
first injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully
remembered not to have added considerable force to it.

This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I
ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection of
the pleasure of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We continue at
Bossey some months after this event, but were like our first parents in
the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence; in appearance our
situation was the same, in effect it was totally different.

Affection, respect; intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the pupils
to their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who could read
the secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of committing faults,
more afraid of being accused of them: we learned to dissemble, to rebel,
to lie: all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy
innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The

                                                                            17
country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the
heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed
its beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more: our flowers were
neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould, and broke out into
exclamations of delight, on discovering that the grain we had sown began
to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were
weary of us. In a word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr.
and Miss Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation.

Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once
recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but after
having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age (while more
recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these remembrances
revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that
every day acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling life fleet from me,
I endeavored to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling
incident of those happy days delight me, for no other reason than being
of those days. I recall every circumstance of time, place, and persons;
I see the maid or footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the
window, a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the
whole economy of the apartment; on the right hand Mr. Lambercier's
closet, with a print representing all the popes, a barometer, a large
almanac, the windows of the house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom
of the garden) shaded by raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found
entrance; I am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but
I feel a kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to
recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the
recollection of whose joys I ever tremble with delight? Five or six
particularly--let us compromise the matter--I will give up five, but
then I must have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out to its
utmost length, in order to prolong my satisfaction.

If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier's
backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was
exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be passing
by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me,
since here I was an actor, whereas, in the abovementioned scene I was
only a spectator; and I must confess I see nothing that should occasion
risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in itself, alarmed me
for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more.

Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for the
noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain from
trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe!

At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a terrace;
here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one
inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to obviate
this defect, Mr. Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the planting of
which was attended with great solemnity. The two boarders were
godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round the root, each held

                                                                            18
the tree with one hand, singing songs of triumph. In order to water it
with more effect, they formed a kind of luson around its foot: myself and
cousin, who were every day ardent spectators of this watering, confirmed
each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on
the terrace than colors on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to
procure without dividing it with any one.

In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted
it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from the august
walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the
difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from a
considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it: but water was
absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem
to obtain it.

For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and
throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured convinced (tho' now
scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a refreshing
shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered
us incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our
inattention not being known, we were kept closer than before. The fatal
moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted
with the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length
necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we
might save our tree from death, and ourselves from despair; it was to
make a furrow underground, which would privately conduct a part of the
water from the walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed
with ardor, but did not immediately succeed--our descent was not
skilfully planned--the water did not run, the earth falling in and
stopping up the furrow; yet, though all went contrary, nothing
discouraged us, 'omnia vincit labor improbus'. We made the bason deeper,
to give the water a more sensible descent; we cut the bottom of a box
into narrow planks; increased the channel from the walnut tree to our
willow and laying a row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining
towards each other, so as to form a triangular channel; we formed a kind
of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree, to prevent
the earth and stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered
our work with well--trodden earth, in a transport of hope and fear
attended the hour of watering. After an interval, which seemed an age of
expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. Lambercier, as usual, assisted at
the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree, towards
which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began to pour the
first pail of water, than we perceived it running to the willow; this
sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily expressed our
transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made Mr. Lambercier
turn about, though at that instant he was delighted to observe how
greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of his walnut tree, imbibed
the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it, he shouted in
his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, and, sending instantly for a
pick axe, at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly, crying
out meantime with all his strength, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! His

                                                                            19
strokes redoubled, every one of which made an impression on our hearts;
in a moment the planks, the channel, the bason, even our favorite willow,
all were ploughed up, nor was one word pronounced during this terrible
transaction, except the above mentioned exclamation. An aqueduct!
repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, an aqueduct! an aqueduct!

It maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the
young architects; this, however, was not the case; the affair ended here.
Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this account, nor was his
countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard him mention the
circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of
Mr. Lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance. But what is
still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided,
we did not find ourselves violently afflicted; we planted a tree in
another spot, and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former,
repeating with a significant emphasis, an aqueduct! an aqueduct!
Till then, at intervals, I had fits of ambition, and could fancy myself
Brutus or Aristides, but this was the first visible effect of my vanity.
To have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands, to have set a slip of
willow in competition with a flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme
degree of glory! I had a juster conception of it at ten than Caesar
entertained at thirty.

The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to,
have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the design which
conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my journey to Geneva, in
the year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and reviewing the monuments of my
infantine amusement, above all, the beloved walnut tree, whose age at
that time must have been verging on a third of a century, but I was so
beset with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my
design. There is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed;
but should I ever return to that charming spot, and find my favorite
walnut tree still existing, I am convinced I should water it with my
tears.

On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle's,
expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future
establishment. His own son being devoted to genius, was taught drawing,
and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid; I partook of
these instructions, but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime, they
were irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a
minister. I should have preferred being a minister, as I thought it must
be a charming thing to preach, but the trifling income which had been my
mother's, and was to be divided between my brother and myself, was too
inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my
studies. As my age did not render the choice very pressing, I remained
with my uncle, passing my time with very little improvement, and paying
pretty dear, though not unreasonably, for my board.

My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not learned,
like him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his

                                                                            20
family, consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee,
who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement, so that
we were left entirely to ourselves, which liberty we never abused.

Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and, feeling no
inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our
own age, we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle
life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin with
idleness at this time, for, in our lives, we were never less so; and what
was extremely fortunate, so incessantly occupied with our amusements,
that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets.
We made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows; spoiled the
tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in
imitation of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting paper, in
drawing, washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian mountebank to
Geneva, called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of puppets, that he
made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, but could not
spare time to go again, being busily employed in making puppets of our
own and inventing comedies, which we immediately set about making them
perform, mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of
Punch; and, to complete the business, my good aunt and uncle Bernard had
the patience to see and listen to our imitations; but my uncle, having
one day read an elaborate discourse to his family, we instantly gave up
our comedies, and began composing sermons.

These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to
demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed,
since being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time,
we found no inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other
companions, that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them.
When taking our walks together, we observed their diversions without
feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely
occupied our hearts, that, pleased with each other's company the simplest
pastimes were sufficient to delight us.

We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what rendered us
more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself extremely short, so
that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast. This meagre figure, small,
sallow countenance, heavy air, and supine gait, excited the ridicule of
the children, who, in the gibberish of the country, nicknamed him 'Barna
Bredanna'; and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed
with a repetition of "Barna Bredanna." He bore this indignity with
tolerable patience, but I was instantly for fighting. This was what the
young rogues aimed at. I engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor
cousin did all in his power to assist me, but he was weak, and a single
stroke brought him to the ground. I then became furious, and received
several smart blows, some of which were aimed at 'Barna Bredanna'. This
quarrel so far increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we could
only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school.

I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted a lady

                                                                            21
in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was soon supplied;
I presently had two. I frequently went to see my father at Nion, a small
city in the Vaudois country, where he was now settled. Being universally
respected, the affection entertained for him extended to me: and, during
my visits, the question seemed to be, who should show me most kindness.
A Madame de Vulson, in particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to
complete all, her daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what
kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the
artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal more
serious engagements. On my part I saw no inequality between myself and
Miss Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went into it with my
whole heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion certainly reached
no further, though it transported me almost to madness, and frequently
produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter.

I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce any
affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship. My whole
life has been divided between these affections, and I have frequently
felt the power of both at the same instant. For example, at the very
time I so publically and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that I could
not suffer any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but
passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act the
schoolmistress with me. Our meetings, though absolutely childish,
afforded me the height of happiness. I felt the whole charm of mystery,
and repaid Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she
made of me in concealing her amours. To my great mortification, this
secret was soon discovered, and I presently lost my young schoolmistress.

Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome,
yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily
be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of.
Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height,
nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air, which agreed extremely well
with the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her
composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be
conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would never
permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely like a
child. This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one,
or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this
folly exposed her.

I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in
the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other
respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I could have
passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit
her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity;
and, in numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her. The
sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy
itself, strengthened my attachment, and I triumphed in the preference she
seemed to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals;
applause, encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness.

                                                                            22
Surrounded by a throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love--I
was passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been
constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I
suffered with her; would willingly have given up my own health to
establish hers (and, observe I knew the want of it from experience); if
absent, she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present,
her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses
were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have
supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a
brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover.

With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I
should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her
favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson
was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but at
sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered--every sense was absorbed
in ecstasy. I believe it would have been impossible to have remained
long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of my
palpitations. I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; with
one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive. I would not
have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded
me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have instantly
obeyed her. Happily, both for her and myself, our amours; or rather
rendezvous, were not of long duration: and though my connection with Miss
Vulson was less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length,
that likewise had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love
affair is good for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can
furnish out at least an exclamation.

Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was
perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can
hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could neither
think nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows were not
affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre
in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time)
being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them.

To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other,
and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to
have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to
endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at Geneva.

My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained
here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I would have
thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with
my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc. This
certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed
of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought
proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit.

My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to describe

                                                                            23
it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the perfidious girl,
supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her.
This, however, did not occasion her death, for twenty years after, while
on a visit to my father, being on the lake, I asked who those ladies were
in a boat not far from ours. "What!" said my father smiling, "does not
your heart inform you? It is your former flame, it is Madame Christin,
or, if you please, Miss Vulson." I started at the almost forgotten name,
and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off, not judging it worth
while to be perjured, however favorable the opportunity for revenge, in
renewing a dispute of twenty years past, with a woman of forty.

Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away the
most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long time on the
bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose of me in a
manner the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr. Masseron, the City
Register, to learn (according to the expression of my uncle Bernard) the
thriving occupation of a scraper. This nickname was inconceivably
displeasing to me, and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the
prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment. The assiduity and
subjection required, completed my disgust, and I never set foot in the
office without feeling a kind of horror, which every day gained fresh
strength.

Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was
with the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly upbraiding me
with being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to repeat, that my uncle
had assured him I was a knowing one, though he could not find that I knew
anything. That he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy, but
had, in truth, sent him an ass. To conclude, I was turned out of the
registry, with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all
Mr. Masseron's clerks, and fit only to handle a file.

My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however, to a
watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely humiliated
by the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a murmur. My
master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a very violent and
boorish character, who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the
amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a disposition naturally
sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my condition, to an
absolute state of servitude. I forgot my Latin, history, and
antiquities; I could hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever
existed. When I visited my father, he no longer beheld his idol, nor
could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean Jacques; nay, I was so well
convinced that Mr. and Miss Lambercier would scarce receive me as their
pupil, that I endeavored to avoid their company, and from that time have
never seen them. The vilest inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded
my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them.
I must have had, in spite of my good education, a great propensity to
degenerate, else the declension could not have followed with such ease
and rapidity, for never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a
Laradon.

                                                                            24
The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for drawing.
There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver; and as it
required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a
watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I should have
accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added to the brutality
of my master, had not rendered my business disgusting. I wasted his
time, and employed myself in engraving medals, which served me and my
companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry,
and though this differed very little from my usual employ, I considered
it as a relaxation. Unfortunately, my master caught me at this
contraband labor, and a severe beating was the consequence. He
reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money
because our medals bore the arms of the Republic, though, I can truly
aver, I had no conception of false money, and very little of the true,
knowing better how to make a Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces.

My master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should otherwise
have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such as
falsehood, idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer
demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject
slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that
period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had suddenly
lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at Mr. Lambercier's,
discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became fearful, and from
that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to live on terms of perfect
equality, to be witness of no pleasures I could not command, to see no
dish I was not to partake of, or be sensible of a desire I might not
express; to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips--what a
transition!--at my master's I was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to
quit the table without tasting what I most longed for, and the room when
I had nothing particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my
work, while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only
to increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to
arise, though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of
them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became an
object of desire, for no other reason than because I was not permitted to
enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy turns of expressions,
which formerly even made my faults escape correction. I recollect, with
pleasure, a circumstance that happened at my father's, which even now
makes me smile. Being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper,
as I was passing through the kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my
hand, I saw the meat turning on the spit; my father and the rest were
round the fire; I must bow to every one as I passed. When I had gone
through this ceremony, leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat,
which looked so inviting, and smelt so savory, I could not abstain from
making that a bow likewise, adding in a pitiful tone, good bye, roast
meal! This unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor, that I
was permitted to stay, and partake of it. Perhaps the same thing might
have produced a similar effect at my master's, but such a thought could
never have occurred to me, or, if it had, I should not have had courage

                                                                            25
to express it.

Thus I learned to covet, dissemble, lie, and, at length, to steal, a
propensity I never felt the least idea of before, though since that time
I have never been able entirely to divest myself of it. Desire and
inability united naturally led to this vice, which is the reason
pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices, though the latter,
as they grow up, and find themselves in a situation where everything is
at their command, lose this shameful propensity. As I never experienced
the advantage, I never enjoyed the benefit.

Good sentiments, ill-directed, frequently lead children into vice.
Notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations, it was more than a
year before I could resolve to take even eatables. My first theft was
occasioned by complaisance, but it was productive of others which had not
so plausible an excuse.

My master had a journeyman named Verrat, whose mother lived in the
neighborhood, and had a garden at a considerable distance from the house,
which produced excellent asparagus. This Verrat, who had no great plenty
of money, took it in his head to rob her of the most early production of
her garden, and by the sale of it procure those indulgences he could not
otherwise afford himself; but not being very nimble, he did not care to
run the hazard of a surprise. After some preliminary flattery, which I
did not comprehend the meaning of, he proposed this expedition to me, as
an idea which had that moment struck him. At first I would not listen to
the proposal; but he persisted in his solicitation, and as I could never
resist the attacks of flattery, at length prevailed. In pursuance of
this virtuous resolution, I every morning repaired to the garden,
gathered the best of the asparagus, and took it to the Holard where some
good old women, who guessed how I came by it, wishing to diminish the
price, made no secret of their suspicions; this produced the desired
effect, for, being alarmed, I took whatever they offered, which being
taken to Mr. Verrat, was presently metamorphosed into a breakfast, and
divided with a companion of his; for, though I procured it, I never
partook of their good cheer, being fully satisfied with an inconsiderable
bribe.

I executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity, seeking only to please
my employer; and several days passed before it came into my head, to rob
the robber, and tithe Mr. Verrat's harvest. I never considered the
hazard I run in these expeditions, not only of a torrent of abuse, but
what I should have been still more sensible of, a hearty beating; for the
miscreant, who received the whole benefit, would certainly have denied
all knowledge of the fact, and I should only have received a double
portion of punishment for daring to accuse him, since being only an
apprentice, I stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a
journeyman. Thus, in every situation, powerful rogues know how to save
themselves at the expense of the feeble.

This practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had

                                                                            26
imagined: I took care to make this discovery turn to some account,
helping myself to everything within my reach, that I conceived an
inclination for. I was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's, and
temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he
enjoyed. The custom of sending young people from table precisely when
those things are served up which seem most tempting, is calculated to
increase their longing, and induces them to steal what they conceive to
be so delicious. It may be supposed I was not backward in this
particular: in general my knavery succeeded pretty well, though quite the
reverse when I happened to be detected.

I recollect an attempt to procure some apples, which was attended with
circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant. The
fruit was standing in the pantry, which by a lattice at a considerable
height received light from the kitchen. One day, being alone in the
house, I climbed up to see these precious apples, which being out of my
reach, made this pantry appear the garden of Hesperides. I fetched the
spit--tried if it would reach them--it was too short--I lengthened it
with a small one which was used for game,--my master being very fond of
hunting, darted at them several times without success; at length was more
fortunate; being transported to find I was bringing up an apple, I drew
it gently to the lattice--was going to seize it when (who can express my
grief and astonishment!) I found it would not pass through--it was too
large. I tried every expedient to accomplish my design, sought
supporters to keep the spits in the same position, a knife to divide the
apple, and a lath to hold it with; at length, I so far succeeded as to
effect the division, and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through; but
it was scarcely separated, (compassionate reader, sympathize with my
affliction) when both pieces fell into the pantry.

Though I lost time by this experiment, I did not lose courage, but,
dreading a surprise, I put off the attempt till next day, when I hoped to
be more successful, and returned to my work as if nothing had happened,
without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses I had left in the
pantry deposed against me.

The next day (a fine opportunity offering) I renew the trial. I fasten
the spits together; get on the stool; take aim; am just going to dart at
my prey--unfortunately the dragon did not sleep; the pantry door opens,
my master makes his appearance, and, looking up, exclaims, "Bravo!"
--The horror of that moment returns--the pen drops from my hand.

A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it seemed a
kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to continue them,
and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I looked forward to
revenge. Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all the
vices of one. I was convinced that to rob and be punished were
inseparable, and constituted, if I may so express myself, a kind of
traffic, in which, if I perform my part of the bargain, my master would
take care not to be deficient in his; that preliminary settled, I applied
myself to thieving with great tranquility, and whenever this

                                                                            27
interrogatory occurred to my mind, "What will be the consequence?" the
reply was ready, "I know the worst, I shall be beat; no matter, I was
made for it."

I love good eating; am sensual, but not greedy; I have such a variety of
inclinations to gratify, that this can never predominate; and unless my
heart is unoccupied, which very rarely happens, I pay but little
attention to my appetite; to purloining eatables, but extended this
propensity to everything I wished to possess, and if I did not become a
robber in form, it was only because money never tempted me.

My master had a closet in the workshop, which he kept locked; this I
contrived to open and shut as often as I pleased, and laid his best
tools, fine drawings, impressions, in a word, everything he wished to
keep from me, under contribution.

These thefts were so far innocent, that they were always employed in his
service, but I was transported at having the trifles in my possession,
and imagined I stole the art with its productions. Besides what I have
mentioned, his boxes contained threads of gold and silver, a number of
small jewels, valuable medals, and money; yet, though I seldom had five
sous in my pocket, I do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at
them; on the contrary, I beheld these valuables rather with terror than
with delight.

I am convinced the dread of taking money was, in a great measure, the
effect of education. There was mingled with the idea of it the fear of
infamy, a prison, punishment, and death: had I even felt the temptation,
these objects would have made me tremble; whereas my failings appeared a
species of waggery, and, in truth, they were little else; they could but
occasion a good trimming, and this I was already prepared for. A sheet
of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to
have purchased a ream. This unreasonable caprice is connected with one
of the most striking singularities of my character, and has so far
influenced my conduct, that it requires a particular explanation.

My passions are extremely violent; while under their influence, nothing
can equal my impetuosity; I am an absolute stranger to discretion,
respect, fear, or decorum; rude, saucy, violent, and intrepid: no shame
can stop, no danger intimidate me. My mind is frequently so engrossed by
a single object, that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought;
this is the enthusiasm of a moment, the next, perhaps, I am plunged in a
state of annihilation. Take me in my moments of tranquility, I am
indolence and timidity itself; a word to speak, the least trifle to
perform, appear an intolerable labor; everything alarms and terrifies me;
the very buzzing of a fly will make me shudder; I am so subdued by fear
and shame, that I would gladly shield myself from mortal view.

When obliged to exert myself, I am ignorant what to do! when forced to
speak, I am at a loss for words; and if any one looks at me, I am
instantly out of countenance. If animated with my subject, I express my

                                                                            28
thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can say nothing
--absolutely nothing; and, being obliged to speak, renders them
insupportable.

I may add, that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those
pleasures which are to be purchased: money empoisons my delight; I must
have them unadulterated; I love those of the table, for instance, but
cannot endure the restraints of good company, or the intemperance of
taverns; I can enjoy them only with a friend, for alone it is equally
impossible; my imagination is then so occupied with other things, that I
find no pleasure in eating. Women who are to be purchased have no charms
for me; my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection; it is the
same with every other enjoyment, if not truly disinterested, they are
absolutely insipid; in a word, I am fond of those things which are only
estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them.

I never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined; if you
would enjoy you must transform it; and this transformation is frequently
attended with inconvenience; you must bargain, purchase, pay dear, be
badly served, and often duped. I buy an egg, am assured it is new-laid
--I find it stale; fruit in its utmost perfection--'tis absolutely green.
I love good wine, but where shall I get it? Not at my wine merchant's
--he will poison me to a certainty. I wish to be universally respected;
how shall I compass my design? I must make friends, send messages, write
letters, come, go, wait, and be frequently deceived. Money is the
perpetual source of uneasiness; I fear it more than I love good wine.

A thousand times, both during and since my apprenticeship, have I gone
out to purchase some nicety, I approach the pastry-cook's, perceive some
women at the counter, and imagine they are laughing at me. I pass a
fruit shop, see some fine pears, their appearance tempts me; but then two
or three young people are near, or a man I am acquainted with is standing
at the door; I take all that pass for persons I have some knowledge of,
and my near sight contributes to deceive me. I am everywhere
intimidated, restrained by some obstacle, and with money in my pocket
return as I went, for want of resolution to purchase what I long for.

I should enter into the most insipid details was I to relate the trouble,
shame, repugnance, and inconvenience of all kinds which I have
experienced in parting with my money, whether in my own person, or by the
agency of others; as I proceed, the reader will get acquainted with my
disposition, and perceive all this without my troubling him with the
recital.

This once comprehended, one of my apparent contradictions will be easily
accounted for, and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest
contempt of money. It is a movable which I consider of so little value,
that, when destitute of it, I never wish to acquire any; and when I have
a sum I keep it by me, for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my
satisfaction; but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present
itself, and I empty my purse with the utmost freedom; not that I would

                                                                            29
have the reader imagine I am extravagant from a motive of ostentation,
quite the reverse; it was ever in subservience to my pleasures, and,
instead of glorying in expense, I endeavor to conceal it. I so well
perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes, that I am almost
ashamed to have any, and, still more, to make use of it.

Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I should
have had no propensity to become avaricious. I should have required no
more, and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my precarious situation
has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear. I love liberty, and I
loathe constraint, dependence, and all their kindred annoyances. As long
as my purse contains money it secures my independence, and exempts me
from the trouble of seeking other money, a trouble of which I have always
had a perfect horror; and the dread of seeing the end of my independence,
makes me proportionately unwilling to part with my money. The money that
we possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we lack and strive to
obtain is the instrument of slavery. Thence it is that I hold fast to
aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more.

My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the pleasure of
possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring: and my
dissipation is only another form of idleness; when we have an opportunity
of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it.

I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between the
moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the desired
object there is always an interval, however short; whereas to possess the
thing is to enjoy it. I see a thing and it tempts me; but if I see not
the thing itself but only the means of acquiring it, I am not tempted.
Therefore it is that I have been a pilferer, and am so even now, in the
way of mere trifles to which I take a fancy, and which I find it easier
to take than to ask for; but I never in my life recollect having taken a
farthing from any one, except about fifteen years ago, when I stole seven
francs and ten sous. The story is worth recounting, as it exhibits a
concurrence of ignorance and stupidity I should scarcely credit, did it
relate to any but myself.

It was in Paris: I was walking with M. de Franceul at the Palais Royal;
he pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to me, "Suppose we go
to the opera?"--"With all my heart." We go: he takes two box tickets,
gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I follow, find the door
crowded; and, looking in, see every one standing; judging, therefore,
that M. de Franceul might suppose me concealed by the company, I go out,
ask for my ticket, and, getting the money returned, leave the house,
without considering, that by then I had reached the door every one would
be seated, and M. de Franceul might readily perceive I was not there.

As nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this
abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are moments of delirium
when men ought not to be judged by their actions: this was not stealing
the money, it was only stealing the use of it, and was the more infamous

                                                                            30
for wanting the excuse of a temptation.

I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the gradations
through which I passed, during my apprenticeship, from the sublimity of a
hero to the baseness of a villain. Though I entered into most of the
vices of my situation, I had no relish for its pleasures; the amusements
of my companions were displeasing, and when too much restraint had made
my business wearisome, I had nothing to amuse me. This renewed my taste
for reading which had long been neglected. I thus committed a fresh
offence, books made me neglect my work, and brought on additional
punishment, while inclination, strengthened by constraint, became an
unconquerable passion. La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished me
with all kinds; good or bad, I perused them with avidity, and without
discrimination.

It will be said; "at length, then, money became necessary"--true; but
this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of
resolution and activity; totally occupied by this new inclination, I only
wished to read, I robbed no longer. This is another of my peculiarities;
a mere nothing frequently calls me off from what I appear the most
attached to; I give in to the new idea; it becomes a passion, and
immediately every former desire is forgotten.

Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run over the
new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was alone, I seized
the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no longer of rummaging my
master's closet. I was even ashamed to think that I had been guilty of
such meanness; and had my amusements been more expensive, I no longer
felt an inclination to continue it. La Tribu gave me credit, and when
once I had the book in my possession, I thought no more of the trifle I
was to pay for it; as money came it naturally passed to this woman; and
when she chanced to be pressing, nothing was so conveniently at hand as
my own effects; to steal in advance required foresight, and robbing to
pay was no temptation.

The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and
ill-chosen studies, rendered me reserved, unsociable, and almost
deranged my reason. Though my taste had not preserved me from silly
unmeaning books, by good fortune I was a stranger to licentious or
obscene ones; not that La Tribu (who was very accommodating) had any
scruple of lending these, on the contrary, to enhance their worth she
spoke of them with an air of mystery; this produced an effect she had
not foreseen, for both shame and disgust made me constantly refuse them.
Chance so well seconded my bashful disposition, that I was past the age
of thirty before I saw any of those dangerous compositions.

In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu's scanty library, and was
unhappy for want of further amusement. My reading, though frequently
bad, had worn off my childish follies, and brought back my heart to
nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired; meantime disgusted with
all within my reach, and thinking everything charming that was out of it,

                                                                            31
my present situation appeared extremely miserable. My passions began to
acquire strength, I felt their influence, without knowing whither they
would conduct me. I sometimes, indeed, thought of my former follies, but
sought no further.

At this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my
increasing emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the books
I had read, which produced the most striking effect on my mind; to
recall, combine, and apply them to myself in such a manner, as to become
one of the personages my recollection presented, and be continually in
those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable to my inclinations;
in a word, by contriving to place myself in these fictitious situations,
the idea of my real one was in a great measure obliterated.

This fondness for imaginary objects, and the facility with which I could
gain possession of them, completed my disgust for everything around me,
and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been
predominant. We shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects
of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in appearance, but which
proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate, too ardent, which, for
want of similar dispositions, is constrained to content itself with
nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction. It is sufficient, at
present, to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my
passions, set bounds to each, and by giving too much ardor to my wishes,
has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them.

Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented with myself and
everything that surrounded me; displeased with my occupation; without
enjoying the pleasures common to my age, weeping without a cause, sighing
I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable
realities.

Every Sunday, after sermon-time, my companions came to fetch me out,
wishing me to partake of their diversions. I would willingly have been
excused, but when once engaged in amusement, I was more animated and
enterprising than any of them; it was equally difficult to engage or
restrain me; indeed, this was ever a leading trait in my character.
In our country walks I was ever foremost, and never thought of returning
till reminded by some of my companions. I was twice obliged to be from
my master's the whole night, the city gates having been shut before I
could reach them. The reader may imagine what treatment this procured me
the following mornings; but I was promised such a reception for the
third, that I made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the danger
of it. Notwithstanding my determination, I repeated this dreaded
transgression, my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed
captain, named M. Minutoli, who, when on guard, always shut the gate he
had charge of an hour before the usual time. I was returning home with
my two companions, and had got within half a league of the city, when I
heard them beat the tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost
speed, I approach the bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts, I
call out to them in a suffocated voice--it is too late; I am twenty paces

                                                                            32
from the guard, the first bridge is already drawn up, and I tremble to
see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and
inevitable destiny, which from this moment began to pursue me.

I threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair, while my
companions, who only laughed at the accident, immediately determined what
to do. My resolution, though different from theirs, was equally sudden;
on the spot, I swore never to return to my master's, and the next
morning, when my companions entered the city, I bade them an eternal
adieu, conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin Bernard of my
resolution, and the place where he might see me for the last time.

From the commencement of my apprenticeship I had seldom seen him; at
first, indeed, we saw each other on Sundays, but each acquiring different
habits, our meetings were less frequent. I am persuaded his mother
contributed greatly towards this change; he was to consider himself as a
person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice; notwithstanding our
relationship, equality no longer subsisted between us, and it was
degrading himself to frequent my company. As he had a natural good heart
his mother's lessons did not take an immediate effect, and for some time
he continued to visit me.

Having learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had appointed,
not, however, to dissuade me from it, but to render my flight agreeable,
by some trifling presents, as my own resources would not have carried me
far. He gave me among other things, a small sword, which I was very
proud of, and took with me as far as Turin, where absolute want
constrained me to dispose of it. The more I reflect on his behavior at
this critical moment, the more I am persuaded he followed the
instructions of his mother, and perhaps his father likewise: for, had he
been left to his own feelings, he would have endeavored to retain, or
have been tempted to accompany me; on the contrary, he encouraged the
design, and when he saw me resolutely determined to pursue it, without
seeming much affected, left me to my fate. We never saw or wrote to each
other from that time; I cannot but regret this loss, for his heart was
essentially good, and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship.

Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me contemplate
for a moment the prospect that awaited me had I fallen into the hands of
a better master. Nothing could have been more agreeable to my
disposition, or more likely to confer happiness, than the peaceful
condition of a good artificer, in so respectable a line as engravers are
considered at Geneva. I could have obtained an easy subsistence, if not
a fortune; this would have bounded my ambition; I should have had means
to indulge in moderate pleasures, and should have continued in my natural
sphere, without meeting with any temptation to go beyond it. Having an
imagination sufficiently fertile to embellish with its chimeras every
situation, and powerful enough to transport me from one to another, it
was immaterial in which I was fixed: that was best adapted to me, which,
requiring the least care or exertion, left the mind most at liberty; and
this happiness I should have enjoyed. In my native country, in the bosom

                                                                            33
of my religion, family and friends, I should have passed a calm and
peaceful life, in the uniformity of a pleasing occupation, and among
connections dear to my heart. I should have been a good Christian, a
good citizen, a good friend, a good man. I should have relished my
condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and after having passed a
life of happy obscurity, surrounded by my family, I should have died at
peace. Soon it may be forgotten, but while remembered it would have been
with tenderness and regret.

Instead of this--what a picture am I about to draw!--Alas! why should I
anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will have but too
much of the melancholy subject.




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK II.


The moment in which fear had instigated my flight, did not seem more
terrible than that wherein I put my design in execution appeared
delightful. To leave my relations, my resources, while yet a child,
in the midst of my apprenticeship, before I had learned enough of my
business to obtain a subsistence; to run on inevitable misery and danger:
to expose myself in that age of weakness and innocence to all the
temptations of vice and despair; to set out in search of errors,
misfortunes, snares, slavery, and death; to endure more intolerable evils
than those I meant to shun, was the picture I should have drawn, the
natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise. How different was the
idea I entertained of it!--The independence I seemed to possess was the
sole object of my contemplation; having obtained my liberty, I thought
everything attainable: I entered with confidence on the vast theatre of
the world, which my merit was to captivate: at every step I expected to
find amusements, treasures, and adventures; friends ready to serve, and
mistresses eager to please me; I had but to show myself, and the whole
universe would be interested in my concerns; not but I could have been
content with something less; a charming society, with sufficient means,
might have satisfied me. My moderation was such, that the sphere in
which I proposed to shine was rather circumscribed, but then it was to
possess the very quintessence of enjoyment, and myself the principal
object. A single castle, for instance, might have bounded my ambition;

                                                                            34
could I have been the favorite of the lord and lady, the daughter's
lover, the son's friend, and protector of the neighbors, I might have
been tolerably content, and sought no further.

In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the
environs of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who
received me with more kindness than I should have met with in town; they
welcomed, lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could be said to live on
charity, these favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of
superiority to furnish out the idea.

I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at
about two leagues distance from Geneva. The vicar was called M. de
Pontverre; this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught my
attention; I was curious to see what appearance the descendants of the
gentlemen of the spoon exhibited; I went, therefore, to visit this M. de
Pontverre, and was received with great civility.

He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy
mother church, and then invited me to dinner. I had little to object to
arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined to
believe that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be as good
as our ministers. Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre's pedigree, I
certainly possessed most learning; but I rather sought to be a good
companion than an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine, which I thought
delicious, argued so powerfully on his side, that I should have blushed
at silencing so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded him the victory, or
rather declined the contest. Any one who had observed my precaution,
would certainly have pronounced me a dissembler, though, in fact, I was
only courteous.

Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young people;
'tis oftener a virtue. When treated with kindness, it is natural to feel
an attachment for the person who confers the obligation; we do not
acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from dread of giving
uneasiness, or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering evil
for good. What interest had M. de Pontverre in entertaining, treating
with respect, and endeavoring to convince me? None but mine; my young
heart told me this, and I was penetrated with gratitude and respect for
the generous priest; I was sensible of my superiority, but scorned to
repay his hospitality by taking advantage of it. I had no conception of
hypocrisy in this forbearance, or thought of changing my religion, nay,
so far was the idea from being familiar to me, that I looked on it with a
degree of horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an
event; I only wished to avoid giving offence to those I was sensible
caressed me from that motive; I wished to cultivate their good opinion,
and meantime leave them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard
than I really was. My conduct in this particular resembled the coquetry
of some very honest women, who, to obtain their wishes, without
permitting or promising anything, sometimes encourage hopes they never
mean to realize.

                                                                            35
Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of
being encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the ruin
I was courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct any one that
was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it should be
observed that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he was not a
virtuous one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except worshipping images
and telling his beads, in a word, a kind of missionary, who thought the
height of merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of
Geneva. Far from wishing to send me back, he endeavored to favor my
escape, and put it out of my power to return even had I been so disposed.
It was a thousand to one but he was sending me to perish with hunger, or
become a villain; but all this was foreign to his purpose; he saw a soul
snatched from heresy, and restored to the bosom of the church: whether I
was an honest man or a knave was very immaterial, provided I went to
mass.

This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics; it is the
voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief, and
not in virtue.

"You are called by the Almighty," said M. de Pontverre; "go to Annecy,
where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the bounty of the
king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced."
He spoke of a Madam de Warrens, a new convert, to whom the priests
contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith,
and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two
thousand francs bestowed on her by the King of Sardinia. I felt myself
extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good
and charitable lady. I had no objection to be accommodated with
everything I stood in need of, but did not wish to receive it on the
footing of charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still
worse; notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre,
the dread of perishing with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from
the journey, and hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined
me; and I set out though reluctantly, for Annecy. I could easily have
reached it in a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it took
me three. My head was filled with the ideas of adventures, and I
approached every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of having
them realized. I had too much timidity to knock at the doors, or even
enter if I saw them open, but I did what I dared--which was to sing under
those windows that I thought had the most favorable appearance; and was
very much disconcerted to find I wasted my breath to no purpose, and that
neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my voice, or
the wit of my poetry, though some songs my companions had taught me I
thought excellent and that I sung them incomparably. At length I arrived
at Annecy, and saw Madam de Warrens.

As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my character,
I could not resolve to pass it lightly over. I was in the middle of my
sixteenth year, and though I could not be called handsome, was well made

                                                                            36
for my height; I had a good foot, a well turned leg, and animated
countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black hair and eyebrows, and my
eyes, though small and rather too far in my head, sparkling with
vivacity, darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood; unfortunately
for me, I knew nothing of all this, never having bestowed a single
thought on my person till it was too late to be of any service to me.
The timidity common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence,
which made me dread the idea of giving pain. Though my mind had received
some cultivation, having seen nothing of the world, I was an absolute
stranger to polite address, and my mental acquisitions, so far from
supplying this defect, only served to increase my embarrassment, by
making me sensible of every deficiency.

Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse to
other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where, mingling all
the flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books with the phrases
of an apprentice, I endeavored to strike the attention, and insure the
good will of Madam de Warrens. I enclosed M. de Pontverre's letter in my
own and waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and
expectation. It was Palm Sunday, of the year 1728; I was informed she
was that moment gone to church; I hasten after her, overtake, and speak
to her.--The place is yet fresh in my memory--how can it be otherwise?
often have I moistened it with my tears and covered it with kisses.--Why
cannot I enclose with gold the happy spot, and render it the object of
universal veneration? Whoever wishes to honor monuments of human
salvation would only approach it on their knees.

It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the left hand by a
little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and, on the right, by
the court yard wall; at the end was a private door which opened into the
church of the Cordeliers. Madam de Warrens was just passing this door;
but on hearing my voice, instantly turned about. What an effect did the
sight of her produce! I expected to see a devout, forbidding old woman;
M. de Pontverre's pious and worthy lady could be no other in my
conception; instead of which, I see a face beaming with charms, fine blue
eyes full of sweetness, a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight,
the form of an enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of the
young proselyte; for that instant I was hers!--a religion preached by
such missionaries must lead to paradise!

My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a smile
--opened it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre's and again returned to
mine, which she read through and would have read again, had not the
footman that instant informed her that service was beginning--"Child,"
said she, in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate, "you are
wandering about at an early age--it is really a pity!"--and without
waiting for an answer, added--"Go to my house, bid them give you
something for breakfast, after mass, I will speak to you."

Louisa--Eleanora de Warrens was of the noble and ancient family of La
Tour de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois. She was

                                                                            37
married very young to a M. de Warrens, of the house of Loys, eldest son
of M. de Villardin, of Lausanne; there were no children by this marriage,
which was far from being a happy one. Some domestic uneasiness made
Madam de Warrens take the resolution of crossing the Lake, and throwing
herself at the feet of Victor Amadeus, who was then at Evian; thus
abandoning her husband, family, and country by a giddiness similar to
mine, which precipitation she, too, has found sufficient time and reason
to lament.

The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the Catholic
faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her with a pension
of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a considerable
appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous;
but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for
the lady, he sent her to Annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards,
where, under the direction of Michael Gabriel de Bernex, titular bishop
of Geneva, she abjured her former religion at the Convent of the
Visitation.

I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warrens was
then eight--and--twenty, being born with the century. Her beauty,
consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance, than a
set of features, was in its meridian; her manner soothing and tender; an
angelic smile played about her mouth, which was small and delicate; she
wore her hair (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly beautiful) with
an air of negligence that made her appear still more interesting; she was
short, and rather thick for her height, though by no means disagreeably
so; but there could not be a more lovely face, a finer neck, or hands and
arms more exquisitely formed.

Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources, that it
formed an extraordinary assemblage. Like me, she had lost her mother at
her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself;
she had learned something of her governess, something of her father, a
little of her masters, but copiously from her lovers; particularly a M.
de Tavel, who, possessing both taste and information, endeavored to adorn
with them the mind of her he loved. These various instructions, not
being properly arranged, tended to impede each other, and she did not
acquire that degree of improvement her natural good sense was capable of
receiving; she knew something of philosophy and physic, but not enough to
eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and
alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended to secrets, and
prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, profiting by her
weakness, destroyed her property among furnaces, drugs and minerals,
diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might have been the
delight of the most elegant circles. But though these interested
wretches took advantage of her ill-applied education to obscure her
natural good sense, her excellent heart retained its purity; her amiable
mildness, sensibility for the unfortunate, inexhaustible bounty, and
open, cheerful frankness, knew no variation; even at the approach of old
age, when attacked by various calamities, rendered more cutting by

                                                                            38
indigence, the serenity of her disposition preserved to the end of her
life the pleasing gayety of her happiest days.

Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which
demanded perpetual employment. She found no satisfaction in the
customary intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs,
sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries. In her
place Madam de Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in Madam de
Longueville's situation she would have governed the state. Her talents
did not accord with her fortune; what would have gained her distinction
in a more elevated sphere, became her ruin. In enterprises which suited
her disposition, she arranged the plan in her imagination, which was ever
carried of its utmost extent, and the means she employed being
proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities, she failed by the
mismanagement of those upon whom she depended, and was ruined where
another would scarce have been a loser. This active disposition, which
involved her in so many difficulties, was at least productive of one
benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in the
monastic asylum she had chosen, which she had some thought of. The
simple and uniform life of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings of
their parlor, were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which,
every day forming new systems, had occasions for liberty to attempt their
completion.

The good bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales, resembled
him in many particulars, and Madam de Warrens, whom he loved to call his
daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several respects, might
have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from the world, had
she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent. It was not
want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from giving those proofs of
devotion which might have been expected from a new convert, under the
immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever might have influenced her to
change her religion, she was certainly sincere in that she had embraced;
she might find sufficient occasion to repent having abjured her former
faith, but no inclination to return to it. She not only died a good
Catholic, but truly lived one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had
the opportunity to read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her
aversion to singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public;
in a word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of
it. But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles: I shall find
other occasions to speak of them.

Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if they
know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de Warrens
inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the most
unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say this was
love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel of
our attachment) how could this passion be attended with sentiments which
scarce ever accompany its commencement, such as peace, serenity,
security, and confidence. How, when making application to an amiable and
polished woman, whose situation in life was so superior to mine, so far

                                                                            39
above any I had yet approached, on whom, in a great measure, depended my
future fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it; how, I say
with so many reasons to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at
my ease, as if I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why did I
not experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity or restraint?
Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the world,
could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt caressing
language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten years' intimacy
had rendered these freedoms natural? Is it possible to possess love, I
will not say without desires, for I certainly had them, but without
inquietude, without jealousy? Can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at
least to know whether our affection is returned? Yet such a question
never entered my imagination; I should as soon have inquired, do I love
myself; nor did she ever express a greater degree of curiosity; there
was, certainly, something extraordinary in my attachment to this charming
woman and it will be found in the sequel, that some extravagances, which
cannot be foreseen, attended it.

What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to
discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her. This
was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of appetite,
and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time she had seen a
traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that particular: this
remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of her mistress, fell hard
on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow guest, and devoured sufficient
to have served at least six moderate feeders. For me, I was too much
charmed to think of eating; my heart began to imbibe a delicious
sensation, which engrossed my whole being, and left no room for other
objects.

Madam de Warrens wished to hear the particulars of my little history--all
the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the
recital. In proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my
story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed myself; compassion
was painted on her features, and expressed by every action. She could
not exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well aware that her words
and actions were strictly scrutinized, and that such advice would be
thought high treason against Catholicism, but she spoke so feelingly of
the affliction I must give her(my) father, that it was easy to perceive
she would have approved my returning to console him. Alas! she little
thought how powerfully this pleaded against herself; the more eloquently
persuasive she appeared, the less could I resolve to tear myself from
her. I knew that returning to Geneva would be putting an insuperable
barrier between us, unless I repeated the expedient which had brought me
here, and it was certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the
danger of a relapse; besides all this, my conduct was predetermined, I
was resolved not to return. Madam de Warrens, seeing her endeavors would
be fruitless, became less explicit, and only added, with an air of
commiseration, "Poor child! thou must go where Providence directs thee,
but one day thou wilt think of me."--I believe she had no conception at
that time how fatally her prediction would be verified.

                                                                            40
The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence? I have
already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that to furnish
my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor a country to
give much encouragement to the arts. The above-mentioned glutton, who
eat for us as well as himself, being obliged to pause in order to gain
some relaxation from the fatigue of it, imparted a piece of advice,
which, according to him, came express from Heaven; though to judge by its
effects it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter:
this was that I should go to Turin, where, in a hospital instituted for
the instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both spiritual and
temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and meet with some
charitable Christians, who would make it a point to procure me a
situation that would turn to my advantage. "In regard to the expenses of
the journey," continued our advisor, "his grace, my lord bishop, will not
be backward, when once madam has proposed this holy work, to offer his
charitable donation, and madam, the baroness, whose charity is so well
known," once more addressing himself to the continuation of his meal,
"will certainly contribute."

I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said nothing, but
my heart was ready to burst with vexation. Madam de Warrens, who did not
seem to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to
do, contented herself by saying, everyone should endeavor to promote good
actions, and that she would mention it to his lordship; but the meddling
devil, who had some private interest in this affair, and questioned
whether she would urge it to his satisfaction, took care to acquaint the
almoners with my story, and so far influenced those good priests, that
when Madam de Warrens, who disliked the journey on my account, mentioned
it to the bishop, she found it so far concluded on, that he immediately
put into her hands the money designed for my little viaticum. She dared
not advance anything against it; I was approaching an age when a woman
like her could not, with any propriety, appear anxious to retain me.

My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management
of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it without much
repugnance. Though Turin was at a greater distance from Madam de Warrens
than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country I was now in, it seemed
to have more connection with Annecy than a city under a different
government and of a contrary religion; besides, as I undertook this
journey in obedience to her, I considered myself as living under her
direction, which was more flattering than barely to continue in the
neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long journey coincided with my
insurmountable passion for rambling, which already began to demonstrate
itself. To pass the mountains, to my eye appeared delightful; how
charming the reflection of elevating myself above my companions by the
whole height of the Alps! To see the world is an almost irresistible
temptation to a Genevan, accordingly I gave my consent.

He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife.
I was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my purse

                                                                            41
--bearers, which had been augmented by Madam de Warrens, who, not contented
with these kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement, attended
with the most ample instructions, and we departed on the Wednesday before
Easter.

The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his
friend, a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of sense
and letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke almost as
well; what is still more to his praise, he was a man of the strictest
integrity, but whose taste for literature only served to make one of his
sons a comedian. Having traced me to the house of Madam de Warrens, they
contented themselves with lamenting, like her, my fate, instead of
overtaking me, which, (as they were on horseback and I on foot) they
might have accomplished with the greatest ease.

My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon, received
information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately returned back to
Geneva; thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my
adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin. By a similar negligence,
my brother was so entirely lost, that it was never known what was become
of him.

My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity, and
endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining
virtues: I may add, he was a good father, particularly to me whom he
tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his pleasures, and since we had
been separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections.
He had married again at Nion, and though his second wife was too old to
expect children, she had relations; my father was united to another
family, surrounded by other objects, and a variety of cares prevented my
returning to his remembrance. He was in the decline of life and had
nothing to support the inconveniences of old age; my mother's property
devolved to me and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of
it was enjoyed by my father: I do not mean to infer that this
consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct, but it had an
imperceptible one, and prevented him making use of that exertion to
regain me which he would otherwise have employed; and this, I think, was
the reason that having traced me as far as Annecy, he stopped short,
without proceeding to Chambery, where he was almost certain I should be
found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting him several times since my
flight, he always received me with great kindness, but never made any
efforts to retain me.

This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well
convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own
conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my
heart. It has taught me this great lesson of morality, perhaps the only
one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions, that we
should ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with our
duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others;
certain that in such circumstances, however sincere our love of virtue

                                                                              42
may be, sooner or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly
become unjust and wicked, in fact, however upright in our intentions.

This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though rather too
late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of folly and
whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my acquaintances:
it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to act different
from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to conform or be
singular, I desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations, which,
by setting my interest in opposition to that of another person's, might
inspire me with a secret, though involuntary wish to his disadvantage.

Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will, which
I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the world
know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up the
idea; but insisted in return, that I should accept an annuity on his
life; this I consented to. It will be said, I find my account in the
alteration; perhaps I may; but oh, my benefactor! my father, I am now
sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive thee, I should
have everything to lose, nothing to gain.

This, in my idea, in true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human
rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound
solidity. I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings,
but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark. If I
survive my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I mean, in
a continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and marking example of
this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention. But I have made
reflections enough for a traveller, it is time to continue my journey.

It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish conductor was
not so morose as he appeared to be. He was a middle-aged man, wore his
black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a strong voice, was
tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having been taught any trade,
could turn his hand to every one. Having proposed to establish some kind
of manufactory at Annecy, he had consulted Madam de Warrens, who
immediately gave into the project, and he was now going to Turin to lay
the plan before the minister and get his approbation, for which journey
he took care to be well rewarded.

This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests, whom he
ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon which he had
learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself a notable
preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in Latin, and
it answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand, for he
repeated it a thousand times a day. He was seldom at a loss for money
when he knew what purse contained it; yet, was rather artful than
knavish, and when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning
discourses, resembled Peter the Hermit, preaching up the crusade with a
sabre at his side.


                                                                            43
Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable, good sort of woman; more
peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was
frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more so had
I comprehended the cause of it; but I was in the chapter of dullness,
which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction.

I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no
sinister accident impeding our journey. I was in the happiest
circumstances both of mind and body that I ever recollect having
experienced; young, full of health and security, placing unbounded
confidence in myself and others; in that short but charming moment of
human life, whose expansive energy carries, if I may so express myself,
our being to the utmost extent of our sensations, embellishing all nature
with an inexpressible charm, flowing from the conscious and rising
enjoyment of our existence.

My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object on
which imagination could fix. I looked on myself as the work, the pupil,
the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warrens; the obliging things she
had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the tender interest she
seemed to take in everything that concerned me; those charming looks,
which seemed replete with love, because they so powerfully inspired it,
every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey, and furnished
the most delicious reveries, which, no doubt, no fear of my future
condition arose to embitter. In sending me to Turin, I thought they
engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there; thus eased of every
care I passed lightly on, while young desires, enchanting hopes, and
brilliant prospects employed my mind; each object that presented itself
seemed to insure my approaching felicity. I imagined that every house
was filled with joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with sports and
revelry, the rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish wantoned in
these streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery
banks! The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while their shade
afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy lovers; the
mountains abounded with milk and cream; peace and leisure, simplicity and
joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not whither, and everything I
saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture. The grandeur,
variety, and real beauty of the scene, in some measure rendered the charm
reasonable, in which vanity came in for its share; to go so young to
Italy, view such an extent of country, and pursue the route of Hannibal
over the Alps, appeared a glory beyond my age; add to all this our
frequent and agreeable halts, with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy
it; for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing; at Mr. Sabran's
table what I eat could scarce be missed. In the whole course of my life
I cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt from care, than the
seven or eight days I was passing from Annecy to Turin. As we were
obliged to walk Madam Sabran's pace, it rather appeared an agreeable
jaunt than a fatiguing journey; there still remains the most pleasing
impressions of it on my mind, and the idea of a pedestrian excursion,
particularly among the mountains, has from this time seemed delightful.


                                                                            44
It was only in my happiest days that I travelled on foot, and ever with
the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with business and
encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the gentleman and employ a
carriage, where care, embarrassment, and restraint, were sure to be my
companions, and instead of being delighted with the journey, I only
wished to arrive at the place of destination.

I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of
similar dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas
of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of Italy on
foot, with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our
necessaries; I have met with many who seemed enchanted with the project,
but considered it only as a visionary scheme, which served well enough to
talk of, without any design of putting it in execution. One day,
speaking with enthusiasm of this project to Diderot and Grimm, they gave
into the proposal with such warmth that I thought the matter concluded
on; but it only turned out a journey on paper, in which Grimm thought
nothing so pleasing as making Diderot commit a number of impieties, and
shutting me up in the Inquisition for them, instead of him.

My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the pleasure of
viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous
character, for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes of
ambition; my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an
apprentice, and I was far from foreseeing how soon I should be much below
it.

Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to the
reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am
necessitated to repeat. In pursuance of the resolution I have formed to
enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that nothing
should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment. I should be
continually under the eye of the reader, he should be enabled to follow
me In all the wanderings of my heart, through every intricacy of my
adventures; he must find no void or chasm in my relation, nor lose sight
of me an instant, lest he should find occasion to say, what was he doing
at this time; and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole. I
give sufficient scope to malignity in what I say; it is unnecessary I
should furnish still more by my science.

My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from Madam de
Warrens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret, and my
conductors had taken care to profit by it. Madam Sabran found means to
deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon embroidered with silver,
with which Madam de Warrens had adorned the hilt of my sword; this I
regretted more than all the rest; indeed the sword itself would have gone
the same way, had I been less obstinately bent on retaining it. They
had, it is true, supported me during the journey, but left me nothing at
the end of it, and I arrived at Turin, without money, clothes, or linen,
being precisely in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor
of that fortune I was about to acquire.

                                                                            45
I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was charged with,
and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens, to be
instructed in that religion, for which, in return, I was to receive
subsistence. On entering, I passed an iron-barred gate, which was
immediately double-locked on me; this beginning was by no means
calculated to give me a favorable opinion of my situation. I was then
conducted to a large apartment, whose furniture consisted of a wooden
altar at the farther end, on which was a large crucifix, and round it
several indifferent chairs, of the same materials. In this hall of
audience were assembled four or five ill-looking banditti, my comrades in
instruction, who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of the
devil than candidates for the kingdom of heaven. Two of these fellows
were Sclavonians, but gave out they were African Jews, and (as they
assured me) had run through Spain and Italy, embracing the Christian
faith, and being baptised wherever they thought it worth their labor.

Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large balcony
that overlooked a court yard, and by this avenue entered our sister
catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by baptism
but a solemn abjuration. A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned harlots,
never disgraced any persuasion; one among them, however, appeared pretty
and interesting; she might be about my own age, perhaps a year or two
older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which frequently encountered mine;
this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming acquainted with
her, but she had been so strongly recommended to the care of the old
governess of this respectable sisterhood, and was so narrowly watched by
the pious missionary, who labored for her conversion with more zeal than
diligence, that during the two months we remained together in this house
(where she had already been three) I found it absolutely impossible to
exchange a word with her. She must have been extremely stupid, though
she had not the appearance of it, for never was a longer course of
instruction; the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit
for abjuration; meantime she became weary of her cloister, declaring
that, Christian or not, she would stay there no longer; and they were
obliged to take her at her word, lest she should grow refractory, and
insist on departing as great a sinner as she came.

This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer; when our
guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be obedient to the
grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were admonished to assist
me with their prayers, and give me edification by their good example.
Our virgins then retired to another apartment, and I was left to
contemplate, at leisure, that wherein I found myself.

The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now began to
reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take, and the
circumstances which had led me to it.

I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have already
advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh conviction, which

                                                                            46
is, that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education, it
was myself. Born in a family of unexceptionable morals, every lesson I
received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue. My father
(though fond of gallantry) not only possessed distinguished probity, but
much religion; in the world he appeared a man of pleasure, in his family
he was a Christian, and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he
felt the force of. My three aunts were women of virtue and piety; the
two eldest were professed devotees, and the third, who united all the
graces of wit and good sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than
either, though with less ostentation. From the bosom of this amiable
family I was transplanted to M. Lambercier's, a man dedicated to the
ministry, who believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its
precepts. He and his sister matured by their instructions those
principles of judicious piety I had already imbibed, and the means
employed by these worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they
meant to produce, that so far from being fatigued, I scarce ever listened
to their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected, and
forming resolutions to live virtuously, from which, except in moments of
forgetfulness, I seldom swerved. At my uncle's, religion was far more
tiresome, because they made it an employment; with my master I thought no
more of it, though my sentiments continued the same: I had no companions
to vitiate my morals: I became idle, careless, and obstinate, but my
principles were not impaired.

I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be supposed
capable of acquiring. Why should I now disguise my thoughts? I am
persuaded I had more. In my childhood, I was not a child; I felt, I
thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled with the ordinary
class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it. I shall doubtless
incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy--I am
content. Let those who find themselves disposed to it, laugh their fill;
afterward, let them find a child that at six years old is delighted,
interested, affected with romances, even to the shedding floods of tears;
I shall then feel my ridiculous vanity, and acknowledge myself in an
error.

Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion, if we
wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were incapable of
communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined degree, I drew my
conclusions from general observation; I knew they were not applicable to
particular instances: find J. J. Rousseau of six years old, converse with
them on religious subjects at seven, and I will be answerable that the
experiment will be attended with no danger.

It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is likely to be
most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he was
born and educated; we frequently detract from, seldom make any additions
to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of education. In addition to this
general principle which attached me to the religion of my forefathers, I
had that particular aversion our city entertains for Catholicism, which
is represented there as the most monstrous idolatry, and whose clergy are

                                                                            47
painted in the blackest colors. This sentiment was so firmly imprinted
on my mind, that I never dared to look into their churches--I could not
bear to meet a priest in his surplice, and never did I hear the bells of
a procession sound without shuddering with horror; these sensations soon
wore off in great cities, but frequently returned in country parishes,
which bore more similarity to the spot where I first experienced them;
meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance of
those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of Geneva are fond of
bestowing on the children of that city. If the bells of the viaticum
alarmed me, the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a breakfast, a
collation, to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter, fruits, or milk;
the good cheer of M. de Pontverre had produced a considerable effect on
me; my former abhorrence began to diminish, and looking on popery through
the medium of amusement and good living, I easily reconciled myself to
the idea of enduring, though I never entertained but a very transient and
distant idea of making a solemn profession of it.

At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I
shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable
consequences. The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were not
calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not help
considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of a
villain. Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever
religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even should
I chance to chose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and merited the
disdain of every good man. The more I considered, the more I despised
myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such a
predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own seeking.
There were moments when these compunctions were so strong that had I
found the door open but for an instant, I should certainly have made my
escape; but this was impossible, nor was the resolution of any long
duration, being combated by too many secret motives to stand any chance
of gaining the victory.

My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would
attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance from
my country, without friends, and without resources, everything concurred
to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too late repentance.
I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to seek excuses for
that I intended to do, and by aggravating the errors of the past, looked
on the future as an inevitable consequence. I did not say, nothing is
yet done, and you may be innocent if you please; but I said, tremble at
the crime thou hast committed, which hath reduced thee to the necessity
of filling up the measure of thine iniquities.

It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those
expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break those
chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I would
continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be the
consequence. The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of all
my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion.

                                                                            48
The sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part
of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for
exercising it is over. The practice of virtue is only difficult from our
own negligence; were, we always discreet, we should seldom have occasion
for any painful exertion of it; we are captivated by desires we might
readily surmount, give into temptations that might easily be resisted,
and insensibly get into embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we
cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated by
the effort, we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast thou
made us such weak creatures? But, notwithstanding our vain pretexts, He
replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get out of the gulf,
because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into it.

I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was not
necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually accustomed
myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some unforeseen event would
extricate me from my embarrassment. In order to gain time, I resolved to
make the best defence I possibly could in favor of my own opinion; but my
vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary, for on finding I
frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction, I wished
to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow. I zealously
pursued my plan, not without the ridiculous hope of being able to convert
my convertors; for I was simple enough to believe, that could I convince
them of their errors, they would become Protestants; they did not find,
therefore, that facility in the work which they had expected, as I
differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had
entertained of me.

Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles of their
religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious; the doctrine of the
former requires discussion, of the latter a blind submission; the
Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others, the
Protestant must learn to decide for himself; they were not ignorant of
this, but neither my age nor appearance promised much difficulty to men
so accustomed to disputation. They knew, likewise, that I had not
received my first communion, nor the instructions which accompany it;
but, on the other hand, they had no idea of the information I received at
M. Lambercier's, or that I had learned the history of the church and
empire almost by heart at my father's; and though (since that time,
nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute, very unfortunately for these
gentlemen), it again returned to my memory.

A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first conference;
at which we were all convened. On the part of my comrades, it was rather
a catechism than a controversy, and he found more pains in giving them
instruction than answering their objections; but when it came to my turn,
it was a different matter; I stopped him at every article, and did not
spare a single remark that I thought would create a difficulty: this
rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants.
My old priest talked a great deal, was very warm, frequently rambled from

                                                                            49
the subject, and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was
not sufficiently versed in the French language.

The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of
those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and put
under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who was
fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if ever
doctor was. I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by his
overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my ground, I
combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the
best manner I was able. He thought to silence me at once with St.
Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to his
ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously as
himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I
retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore
hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it
with another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length,
however, he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the
first place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it
might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the old
priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In the next
place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his
arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he found himself pressed
by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference,
pretending I rambled from the question in dispute. Sometimes he even
rejected all my quotations, maintaining they were false, and, offering to
fetch the book, defied me to find them. He knew he ran very little risk,
and that, with all my borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently
accustomed to books, and too poor a Latinist to find a passage in a large
volume, had I been ever so well assured it was there. I even suspected
him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our
ministers, and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an
objection that incommoded him.

Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and
seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my abjuration
with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it.

The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were habited
in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated
souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was thought
necessary by my directors, that they might have the honor of a difficult
conversion, and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, in order to
triumph the more completely over my new docility.

At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my
masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John,
to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these
occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to
persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians. I was clothed
in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs. Two men, one

                                                                            50
behind, the other before me, carried copper basins which they kept
striking with a key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put
their alms, according as they found themselves influenced by religion or
good will for the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry
was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or
humiliating to me. The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I
had not the honor to be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to
compliment me with it.

The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be
absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the
church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by
his ambassador. The air and manner of the right reverend Father
Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that
seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion. After several questions
relative to my faith, situation, and family, he asked me bluntly if my
mother was damned? Terror repressed the first gust of indignation; this
gave me time to recollect myself, and I answered, I hope not, for God
might have enlightened her last moments. The monk made no reply, but his
silence was attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation.

All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should
be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good
Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then
wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small
money in my pocket, the produce of the above--mentioned collection,
turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of them!

Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and
nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of
having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine what
a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant
expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged
in the completest misery. In the morning I was deliberating what palace
I should inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the
street. It may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent
transports of despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my
own folly had reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I
experienced none of these disagreeable sensations. I had passed two
months in absolute confinement; this was new to me; I was now
emancipated, and the sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my
recovered liberty. After a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was
again master of my time and actions, in a great city, abundant in
resources, crowded with people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents
could not fail to recommend me. I had sufficient time before me to
expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible
treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to
anyone. It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from
giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other hopes, in
which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so great a
degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already made

                                                                            51
and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to thank for the
acquisition of it.

The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over
the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I
went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their
military accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the
solemn music of the priests; I next went to see the king's palace, which
I approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their example,
and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small parcel I
carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high opinion of my
consequence from this circumstance, and already thought myself an
inhabitant there. The weather was hot; I had walked about till I was
both fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a
milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and two
slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and
for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever
recollect to have made.

It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the
Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of no
great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it
rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations. In the
course of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier's wife, in
Po-street, furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a
night, and finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of
it. She was young and newly married, though she already had five or six
children. Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber,
and it continued thus while I remained there. She was good-natured,
swore like a carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a
gentle heart, was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable.

For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and
curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs,
examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most
things had that appearance to a young novice. I never omitted visiting
the court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass.
I thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince
and his retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its
appearance, was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court,
which, soon seen and always the same, presently lost its attraction.
The King of Sardinia had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis,
Desjardins, and the Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not
necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple
instrument, provided it was just, transported with joy. Magnificence
only produced a stupid admiration, without any violent desire to partake
of it, my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any
young princess was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make
the heroine of a romance.

Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated sphere,

                                                                            52
it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I should
have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious.

Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew
lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than
that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most
expensive tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in my idea,
either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me milk,
vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall always
think myself sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish out the
rest, if the maitre d' hotel, with a number of unnecessary footmen, do
not satiate me with their important attentions. Five or six sous would
then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done
since; I was abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be
otherwise: though I do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence,
for with my pears, new cheese, bread and some glasses of Montferrat wine,
which you might have cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures.
Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see
the end of twenty livres; I was every day more convinced of this, and,
spite of the giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future amounted
almost to terror. All my castles in the air were vanished, and I became
sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure
me a subsistence.

Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew
too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound in
Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, to
go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, on
pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a low
price; or taking what they chose to give me. Even this expedient did not
answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, the
little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals.

Walking one morning pretty early in the 'Contra nova', I saw a young
tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive,
that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop
without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness
to have it accepted. She made me sit down and recite my little history,
pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make
me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me assistance;
then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and fetched me
something for breakfast. This seemed a promising beginning, nor was what
followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, and, when I had
a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse. She was rather
elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of
gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the compassionate tone
of her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease
with myself; I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success, and
this assurance made me succeed the more. Though an Italian, and too
pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty, and I
so great a share of timidity, that our adventure was not likely to be

                                                                            53
brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us time to make
any good of it. I cannot recall the few short moments I passed with this
lovely woman without being sensible of an inexpressible charm, and can
yet say, it was there I tasted in their utmost perfection the most
delightful, as well as the purest pleasures of love.

She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted
on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She was
called Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than
herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too
disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had
pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill--humors, a
good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear him
play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician. This second
Egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress'
apartment, treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to
repay him with interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence,
on purpose to torment him. This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my
taste, would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete', but she
did not proceed so far; at least, there was a difference in the
expression of her kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it
was my place to make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be
virtuous, she had at such times a kind of reserve, which, though not
absolutely discouraging, kept my passion within bounds.

I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for
Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and hardly
dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have been
worse than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze
on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of her
pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her
glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased the
force of all the rest, and added to the infatuation. Gazing thus on what
was to be seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became
confused, my chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more
painful. I had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my
sighs from being heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence
in which we were frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her
work, saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes
observed a kind of sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her
handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but
when on the point of giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words
to me with an air of tranquility, and in an instant the agitation
subsided.

I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or even
a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us. The
situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the simplicity
of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness. I should
suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her, at least,
she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very

                                                                            54
disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever
suffered me to make of them.

Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had retired to
her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop,
and followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being
perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of
the room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too
much noise for me to be heard. She was always well dressed, but this day
her attire bordered on coquetry. Her attitude was graceful, her head
leaning gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair,
elegantly dressed was ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally
charming, and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it. I was
absolutely in a state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on my knees,
I passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear,
and having no conception that she could see me; but there was a chimney
glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings. I am
ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did not speak;
she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head, with the movement
of her finger only, she pointed to the mat that was at her feet--To start
up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had
indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I
dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest
an instant on her knees, though in an attitude which seemed to render
such a support necessary. I was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a
state of tranquility; agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite
wishes, restrained by the fear of giving displeasure, which my
unpractised heart too much dreaded, were sufficiently discernible. She
neither appeared more tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself--uneasy
at my present situation; confounded at having brought me there, beginning
to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made without
reflecting on the consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor
expressing disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she
endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my
stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my
embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only hindered by a
bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power to
surmount it. Five or six years older than myself, every advance,
according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did
nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her. Even at
this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she certainly had
wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion, not only for
encouragement but instruction.

I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or
how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though
delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted--in the height of my
agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile's
chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, "Get
up! Here's Rosina!" Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she
held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this

                                                                            55
charming hand press gently on my lips. Never in my life did I enjoy so
sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being
the conclusion of our amours.

This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart
in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I
became acquainted with the world and women. Had she been mistress of the
least degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to
animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous;
and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though
involuntary inclination. This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and
I should, perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples
than my own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in her company
the most inexpressible delights. Never did I taste with any other woman
pleasures equal to those two minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam
Basile without even daring to touch her gown. I am convinced no
satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we
esteem; all is transport!--A sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed
against my lips, were the only favors I ever received from Madam Basile,
yet the bare remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to
transport me.

It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete;
it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her
part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more
distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not
being able sufficiently to govern her own. The cursed clerk was more
vexatious than ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical
sneer, that I should unquestionably make my way among the ladies. I
trembled lest I should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and looking
at myself as already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an
air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need
of it; this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and
by resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the
danger of a surprise, I met none.

Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined
to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk's
predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say,
to find happiness easily attainable. Never were passions at the same
time more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more
true, or more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own
happiness to that of the object of my affection; her reputation was
dearer than my life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I
would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment. This disposition has
ever made me employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy
in my adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of
success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too
well.

To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming

                                                                            56
more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance.
From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she
had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I
understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to
keep the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by this
humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted. As this
failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to
transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair,
and translate commercial letters from Italian into French. All at once
he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would
teach me bookkeeping, by double--entry, and put me in a situation to
offer my services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something so
false, malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no
means calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile, replied
archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped
fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great
misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk.

She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be
useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had
prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on
Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good
appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present
me. The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late
conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly
showed he had been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly
on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see him
at his convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with me.
I judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was
paid him; and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be
her confessor. I likewise remember that his decent familiarity was
attended with an appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair
penitent, which then made less impression on me than at present. Had I
possessed more experience how should I have congratulated myself on
having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor!

The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a small
one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with our
agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and good
cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which were
certainly not intended for him.

Thus far all went well; the ladies were in good spirits, and the
gentlemen very gallant, while Madam Basile did the honors of the table
with peculiar grace. In the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop
at the door, and presently some one coming up stairs--it was M. Basile.
Methinks I now see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold buttons
--from that day I have held the color in abhorrence. M. Basile was a tall
handsome man, of good address: he entered with a consequential look and
an air of taking his family unawares, though none but friends were
present. His wife ran to meet him, threw her arms about his neck, and

                                                                            57
gave him a thousand caresses, which he received with the utmost
indifference; and without making any return saluted the company and took
his place at table. They were just beginning to speak of his journey,
when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp tone, what
lad that was? Madam Basile answered ingenuously. He then inquired
whether I lodged in the house; and was answered in the negative. "Why
not?" replied he, rudely, "since he stays here all day, he might as well
remain all night too." The monk now interfered, with a serious and true
eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few words he made mine also, adding, that
so far from blaming, he ought to further the pious charity of his wife,
since it was evident she had not passed the bounds of discretion. The
husband answered with an air of petulance, which (restrained by the
presence of the monk) he endeavored to stifle; it was, however,
sufficient to let me understand he had already received information of
me, and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an ill office.

We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from his
employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and never
more during my life dare to set foot there. He took care to aggravate
this commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting.
I departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with sorrow, less for
being obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the thought of leaving
her to the brutality of such a husband. He was certainly right to wish
her faithful; but though prudent and wellborn, she was an Italian, that
is to say, tender and vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely
imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself
the very evil he so much dreaded.

Such was the success of my first adventure. I walked several times up
and down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly
regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the vigilant clerk,
who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used in the shop, which
was more expressive than alluring: finding, therefore, that I was so
completely watched, my courage failed, and I went no more. I wished,
at least, to find out the patron she had provided me, but, unfortunately,
I did not know his name. I ranged several times round the convent,
endeavoring in vain to meet with him. At length, other events banished
the delightful remembrance of Madam Basile; and in a short time I so far
forgot her, that I remained as simple, as much a novice as ever, nor did
my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible augmentation.

Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though she had
done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness more than
decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant. The coat I
had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she only added a hat and some
linen. I had no ruffles, nor would she give me any, not but I felt a
great inclination for them. She was satisfied with having put it in my
power to keep myself clean, though a charge to do this was unnecessary
while I was to appear before her.

A few days after this catastrophe; my hostess, who, as I have already

                                                                            58
observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction informed me she had
heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank desired to see me. I
immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures; that being
the point to which all my ideas tended: this, however, did not prove so
brilliant as I had conceived it. I waited on the lady with the servant;
who had mentioned me: she asked a number of questions, and my answers not
displeasing her, I immediately entered into her service not, indeed, in
the quality of favorite, but as a footman. I was clothed like the rest
of her people, the only difference being, they wore a shoulder--knot,
which I had not, and, as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared
merely a tradesman's suit. This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my
great expectancies!

The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow without
children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed her to be
a Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of Piedmont could
speak such good French, and with so pure an accent. She was a
middle-aged woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding,
being fond of French literature, in which she was well versed. Her
letters had the expression, and almost the elegance of Madam de
Savigne's; some of them might have been taken for hers. My principal
employ, which was by no means displeasing to me, was to write from her
dictating; a cancer in the breast, from which she suffered extremely,
not permitting her to write herself.

Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a strong
and elevated soul. I was with her during her last illness, and saw her
suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or the least
effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine manners, without
entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to
philosophy; a word which was not yet in fashion, nor comprehended by her
in the sense it is held at present. This strength of disposition
sometimes extended almost to apathy, ever appearing to feel as little for
others as herself; and when she relieved the unfortunate, it was rather
for the sake of acting right, than from a principle of real
commiseration. I have frequently experienced this insensibility, in some
measure, during the three months I remained with her. It would have been
natural to have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was
incessantly under her observation, and that she should think, as she felt
her dissolution approaching, that after her death he would have occasion
for assistance and support: but whether she judged me unworthy of
particular attention, or that those who narrowly watched all her motions,
gave her no opportunity to think of any but themselves, she did nothing
for me.

I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story,
frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I showed her the
letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my sentiments; but as
she never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means
to come at them. My heart, naturally communicative, loved to display its
feelings, whenever I encountered a similar disposition; but dry, cold

                                                                            59
interrogatories, without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers,
gave me no confidence. Not being able to determine whether my discourse
was agreeable or displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of
expressing my ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that might
seem to my disadvantage. I have since remarked that this dry method of
questioning themselves into people's characters is a common trick among
women who pride themselves on superior understanding. These imagine,
that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the more easily
penetrate into those of others; being ignorant that this method destroys
the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them. A man, on being
questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes that,
without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him a-talking,
either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, examining every word
before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than to be the
dupe of your curiosity. In short, it is ever a bad method to attempt to
read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own.

Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express
affection, pity, or benevolence. She interrogated me coldly, and my
answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless
entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never
asked me any questions, nor said anything but what was absolutely
necessary for her service. She drew her judgment less from what I really
was, than from what she had made me, and by considering me as a footman
prevented my appearing otherwise.

I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same interested
game of concealed manoeuvre, which has counteracted me throughout my
life, and given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the
least appearance of it. Madam de Vercellis having no children, her
nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court
assiduously, as did her principal domestics, who, seeing her end
approaching, endeavored to take care of themselves; in short, so many
were busy about her, that she could hardly have found time to think of
me. At the head of her household was a M. Lorenzy, an artful genius,
with a still more artful wife; who had so far insinuated herself into the
good graces of her mistress, that she was rather on the footing of a
friend than a servant. She had introduced a niece of hers as lady's
maid: her name was Mademoiselle Pontal; a cunning gypsy, that gave
herself all the airs of a waiting-woman, and assisted her aunt so well in
besetting the countess, that she only saw with their eyes, and acted
through their hands. I had not the happiness to please this worthy
triumvirate; I obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving that my
duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her servants.
Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; they saw I
was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would discover it
likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; for such sort
of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy given to others as
a diminution of their own wealth; they endeavored, therefore, to keep me
as much out of her sight as possible. She loved to write letters, in her
situation, but they contrived to give her a distaste to it; persuading

                                                                            60
her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; and, under
pretence that I did not understand how to wait on her, they employed two
great lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a word, they managed the
affair so well, that for eight days before she made her will, I had not
been permitted to enter the chamber. Afterwards I went in as usual, and
was even more assiduous than any one, being afflicted at the sufferings
of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for the calmness
and fortitude with which she bore her illness, and often did I shed tears
of real sorrow without being perceived by any one.

At length we lost her--I saw her expire. She had lived like a woman of
sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher. I can truly say,
she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity with
which she fulfilled its dictates, without any mixture of negligence or
affectation. She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her
illness she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which
served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation. She only
kept her bed two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those
about her to the very last.

She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but, not
being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque,
however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M.
Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me. He even promised to procure
me a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as I pleased.
Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being able to speak to
him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no more; whether I did wrong
will be seen hereafter.

Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madam de
Vercellis's. Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did not
leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long and
painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse which
yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far from
weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather strength as I
grow old. Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive
of such melancholy consequences? But it is for the more than probable
effects that my heart cannot be consoled. I have, perhaps, caused an
amiable, honest, estimable girl, who surely merited a better fate than
myself, to perish with shame and misery.

Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion,
and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the
domestics, and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no article of
the inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was missing but a pink
and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to Mademoiselle
Pontal. Though several things of more value were in my reach, this
ribbon alone tempted me, and accordingly I stole it. As I took no great
pains to conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they immediately
insisted on knowing from whence I had taken it; this perplexed me--I
hesitated, and at length said, with confusion, that Marion gave it me.

                                                                            61
Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de Vercellis
ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being sensible she had
more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her former
one. Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color only to
be found among the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty and
sweetness, which made it impossible to see her without affection; she was
besides a good girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that everyone
was surprised at hearing her named. They had not less confidence in me,
and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the thief. Marion was
sent for; a great number of people were present, among whom was the Count
de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly:
she remains confused and speechless, casting a look on me that would have
disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart resisted. At length, she
denied it with firmness, but without anger, exhorting me to return to
myself, and not injure an innocent girl who had never wronged me. With
infernal impudence, I confirmed my accusation, and to her face maintained
she had given me the ribbon: on which, the poor girl, bursting into
tears, said these words--"Ah, Rousseau! I thought you a good
disposition--you render me very unhappy, but I would not be in your
situation." She continued to defend herself with as much innocence as
firmness, but without uttering the least invective against me. Her
moderation, compared to my positive tone, did her an injury; as it did
not appear natural to suppose, on one side such diabolical assurance; on
the other, such angelic mildness. The affair could not be absolutely
decided, but the presumption was in my favor; and the Count de la Roque,
in sending us both away, contented himself with saying, "The conscience
of the guilty would revenge the innocent." His prediction was true, and
is being daily verified.

I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is
little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably
after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in
every respect. The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, what was
worse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left nothing
to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united. I do not even
look on the misery and disgrace in which I plunged her as the greatest
evil: who knows, at her age, whither contempt and disregarded innocence
might have led her?--Alas! if remorse for having made her unhappy is
insupportable, what must I have suffered at the thought of rendering her
even worse than myself. The cruel remembrance of this transaction,
sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers,
I imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime,
as though I had committed it but yesterday. While in easy tranquil
circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, during a
troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of
persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, what, I think, I
have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm
sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity. I could
never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a
friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it, even with

                                                                            62
Madam de Warrens: all I could do, was to own I had to accuse myself of an
atrocious crime, but never said in what it consisted. The weight,
therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can
truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure, from it,
contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions.

I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will certainly be
thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence; but I
should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at the
same time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far as
is conformable with truth.

Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel moment;
and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but strictly true,
that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it. She was
present to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the first object that
presented itself: I accused her with doing what I meant to have done,
and as I designed to have given her the ribbon, asserted she had given
it to me. When she appeared, my heart was agonized, but the presence
of so many people was more powerful than my compunction. I did not fear
punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than
the crime, more than all the world. I would have buried, hid myself in
the centre of the earth: invincible shame bore down every other
sentiment; shame alone caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I
became criminal, the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid. I felt no
dread but that of being detected, of being publicly, and to my face,
declared a thief, liar, and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this
overcame every other sensation. Had I been left to myself, I should
infallibly have declared the truth. Or if M. de la Rogue had taken me
aside, and said--"Do not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty own
it,"--I am convinced I should instantly have thrown myself at his feet;
but they intimidated, instead of encouraging me. I was hardly out of my
childhood, or rather, was yet in it. It is also just to make some
allowance for my age. In youth, dark, premeditated villainy is more
criminal than in a riper age, but weaknesses are much less so; my fault
was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than
for its consequences. It had one good effect, however, in preserving me
through the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible
impression that has remained from the only one I ever committed; and I
think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at
having been guilty of so black a one. If it is a crime that can be
expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on
various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have
overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it. Poor Marion has
found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offence
towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me. Thus have I
disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted
never to mention it again.




                                                                            63
THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK III.


Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it,
I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five or six weeks;
during which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my
temperament importunate. I was restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept
and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time
highly sensible of some deficiency. This situation is indescribable,
few men can even form any conception of it, because, in general, they
have prevented that plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious.
My thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a
manner peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and
disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the
means of deliverance. I would have given my life to have met with a Miss
Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated;
increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a
conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural
timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or
since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my
wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even
with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread.

My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance, which
I thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain.
Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was
tutor to the Count of Melarede's children. He was young, and not much
known, but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great
probity, and was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew. He was
incapable of doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not
having sufficient interest to procure me a situation, but from him I
reaped advantages far more precious, which have been useful to me through
life, lessons of pure morality, and maxims of sound judgment.

In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been too
high or too low. Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others a
villain. M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself,
without sparing or giving me too much discouragement. He spoke in
advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he foresaw
obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, according to

                                                                            64
him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should mount to fortune,
than as resources which might enable me to exist without one. He gave me
a true picture of human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very
erroneous idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined
to experience adverse fortune, might, by skilful management, arrive at
happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was
practicable in every situation. He greatly diminished my admiration of
grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither
better nor happier than those they command. One of his maxims has
frequently returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly read the
hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise:
this reflection, the truth of which is striking without extravagance,
I have found of great utility, in the various exigences of my life, as it
tended to make me satisfied with my condition. He gave me the first just
conception of relative duties, which my high-flown imagination had ever
pictured in extremes, making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime
virtues is of little use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too
high we are in danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform
discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as
actions which are called heroic, and would at the same time procure more
honor and happiness. That it was infinitely more desirable to possess
the lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract
admiration.

In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was
necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of
which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to speak
of religion. It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime was,
in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence only
obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with more
caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his
sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to
return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the
pubic. Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone
may see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions
(though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds
of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only
required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity.

Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his
discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account of
their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart seemed
interested in what he said. My disposition is naturally tender, I have
ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me
than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this particular
have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime. I was in a manner
his second disciple, which even at that time was of inestimable service
in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was
leading me.

One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la

                                                                            65
Roque. Having frequently called at his house, without being able to
speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or
retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was
mistaken in both these conjectures. He had more than once witnessed the
pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned
it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it
myself.

He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with useless
promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had succeeded,
and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the rest must
depend on myself. That the family into which he should introduce me
being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no other patrons; and
though at first on the footing of a servant, I might be assured, that if
my conduct and sentiments were found above that station, I should not
long remain in it. The end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the
brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired. "What! forever a footman?"
said I to myself, with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced,
for I felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining
there.

He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and
Chief of the illustrious House of Solar. The air of dignity conspicuous
in this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he
received me yet more interesting. He questioned me with evident
interest, and I replied with sincerity. He then told the Count de la
Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he
believed I was not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must
show the rest; after which, turning to me, he said, "Child, almost all
situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours,
however, shall not have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and
endeavor to please everyone, that will be almost your only employment;
for the rest fear nothing, you shall be taken care of." Immediately
after he went to the Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom
he presented me, and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son. I was elated
with this beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude,
that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a
footman. In fact, I was not treated like one. I dined at the steward's
table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth)
having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather ordered that
I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of the house.
Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the business of a
footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free will, without being
appointed to any particular service; and except writing some letters,
which were dictated to me, and cutting out some ornaments for the Count
de Favria, I was almost the absolute master of my time. This trial of my
discretion, which I did not then perceive, was certainly very dangerous,
and not very humane; for in this state of idleness I might have
contracted vices which I should not otherwise have given into.
Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory retained the
lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, and I

                                                                            66
sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of
them. I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had
no conception of my business. Nothing could be more prudent than the
advice he gave me respecting my conduct. My beginning was admirable; so
much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone. The Abby
Gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and
that relaxation should be considered as neglect. "Your setting out,"
said he, "is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually
to increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them."

As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I
possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance
(notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any
particular consideration. Some objects of more consequence had
intervened. The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then
ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court which
for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation, and left them no
time to think of me. Meantime I had relaxed but little in my attentions,
though one object in the family did me both good and harm, making me more
secure from exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty.

Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very
fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her
features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my
heart could never resist. The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed
her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then
worn, seemed to add to her beauty. It will be said, a domestic should
not take notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I
perceived all this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d' hotel and valet
de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained
me extremely. My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to allow of
my being entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my situation.
I loved to see Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter anything that
marked wit, sense, or good humor: my ambition, confined to a desire of
waiting on her, never exceeded its just rights. At table I was ever
attentive to make the most of them; if her footman quitted her chair,
I instantly supplied his place; in default of this, I stood facing her,
seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for, and watching the
moment to change her plate. What would I not have given to hear her
command, to have her look at, or speak the smallest word to me! but no,
I had the mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not even
perceive I was there. Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while at
table, having one day said something which I did not consider obliging,
I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her attention;
she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient to fill me with
transport. The next day, a second occasion presented itself, which I
fortunately made use of. A great dinner was given; and I saw, with
astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d' hotel waiting at table,
with a sword by his side, and hat on his head. By chance, the discourse
turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which was, with the arms,
worked in the tapestry: 'Tel fiert qui ne fue pas'. As the Piedmontese

                                                                            67
are not in general very perfect in the French language, they found fault
with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert there should be no
't'. The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when happening to cast
his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring to say anything;
he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion. I then said, I did not
think the 't' superfluous, 'fiert' being an old French word, not derived
from the noun 'ferus', proud, threatening; but from the verb 'ferit', he
strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not appear to mean, some
threat, but, 'Some strike who do not kill'. The whole company fixed
their eyes on me, then on each other, without speaking a word; never was
a greater degree of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an air
of satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle de
Breil. This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least
as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to
wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he
fully bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly
chorused by the whole table. This interval was short, but delightful in
many respects; it was one of those moments so rarely met with, which
place things in their natural order, and revenge depressed merit for the
injuries of fortune. Some minutes after Mademoiselle de Breil again
raised her eyes, desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her
some drink. It will easily be supposed I did not let her wait, but
advancing towards her, I was seized with such a trembling, that having
filled the glass too full, I spilled some of the water on her plate,
and even on herself. Her brother asked me, giddily, why I trembled thus?
This question increased my confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de
Breil was suffused with a crimson blush.

Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile,
and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in
the conclusion of my amours. In vain I placed myself in the antechamber
of Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her
daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the
confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that
one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and
covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to
quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a
footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness.
To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to please
Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my
services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly,
"If I had nothing to do?" I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this
dear antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other things
intervening, I presently thought no more of it.

The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of
her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me. The evening after
the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with
me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and
absolutely enchanted me. This good man had less sense than Madam de
Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better

                                                                            68
with him. He bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had
an esteem for me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be
serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their
views for my future establishment. The next morning I flew to M. the
Abbe, who did not receive me as a servant, but made me sit by his
fireside, and questioned me with great affability. He soon found that my
education, which had attempted many things, had completed none; but
observing that I understood something of Latin, he undertook to teach me
more, and appointed me to attend him every morning. Thus, by one of the
whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life, at once
above and below my natural situation, I was pupil and footman in the same
house: and though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth entitled him
to supply that place only to the children of kings.

The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a
bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued, further than is
usual with people of quality. He had been sent to the university of
Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought a
good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the Abbe
de Dangeau was formerly at Paris. Being disgusted with theology, he gave
in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with those who
have entered the career of prelacy. He had studied the poets, and wrote
tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated
to form mine, and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash
with which my brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled
him, or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary
parts of Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely
translated a few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I
could hardly understand anything. It will be seen hereafter that I was
destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it. I labored
with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of
kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time, both interests and
softens me. I passed the greater part of the morning with him as much
for my own instruction as his service; not that he ever permitted me to
perform any menial office, but to copy, or write from his dictating; and
my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar, and by
this means I not only learned the Italian in its utmost purity, but also
acquired a taste for literature, and some discernment of composition,
which could not have been at La Tribu's, and which was useful to me when
I afterwards wrote alone.

At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably
have indulged the hope of preferment. The abbe, thoroughly pleased with
me, expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a
singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria,
that he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside
her disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave great
jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the instructions
of their master's son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal.

As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I

                                                                            69
reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar,
wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to
arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of
merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their
confidence, and be of essential service. This project of the Count de
Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful
nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at
that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and
required too much confinement.

My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant
adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared
tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it
more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally
patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to
possess.

Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the
esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a
young man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his proper
sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not assigned
me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths. I now come to
one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, and
which, indeed, the reader might have observed without this reflection.

There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither
liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of
this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a
miniature painter, and a distant relation. This M. Mussard, having
learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came to see me, with
another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my
apprenticeship. This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow,
full of lively sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely
agreeable. At once, then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to
such a degree that I found it impossible to quit him. He was shortly to
depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to sustain! I felt the whole force
of it, and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval, I
determined not to leave him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my head
was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without
leave, but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he
was accordingly forbid the house. This so incensed me, that forgetting
everything but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count,
and was no longer to be found at home. I paid no attention to repeated
reprimands, and at length was threatened with dismissal. This threat was
my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary
that Bacle should depart alone. From that moment I could think of no
other pleasure, no other situation or happiness than taking this journey.
To render the felicity still more complete, at the end of it (though at
an immense distance) I pictured to myself Madam de Warrens; for as to
returning to Geneva, it never entered into my imagination. The hills,
fields, brooks and villages, incessantly succeeded each other with new

                                                                            70
charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole
existence. Memory recalled, with inexpressible pleasure, how charming
the country had appeared in coming to Turin; what then must it be, when,
to the pleasure of independence, should be added the company of a
good-humored comrade of my own age and disposition, without any
constraint or obligation, but free to go or stay as we pleased? Would
it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to
projects of ambition, slow and difficult in their execution, and
uncertain in their event? But even supposing them realized, and in
their utmost splendor, they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the
sweet pleasure and liberty of youth.

Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that
(not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my
return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the
count. This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself,
the extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of
injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and
sheltering myself under the idea of necessity.

I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning
before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned
as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de
hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had
very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being
unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed
wages.

The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this
occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it
would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness. He reminded me,
in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions
of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was
sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating any
conditions, but that I should no more see the worthless fellow who had
seduced me.

It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that
notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my
good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my
imagination for any consideration to balance the charm. Bereft of
understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction,
and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me warning,
I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to retract,
since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to be driven
a second time from the same house. The count, justly irritated, bestowed
on me some names which I deserved, and putting me out of his apartment by
the shoulders, shut the door on me. I departed triumphant, as if I had
gained the greatest victory, and fearful of sustaining a second combat
even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for
his kindness.

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To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to
which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents,
and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive
objects should be conceived. At these times, plans the most ridiculous,
childish, and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me
that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it.
Would it be believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so stupid
as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial? For
example:

The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very
pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted. Playing with
this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself
thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our
journey. What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain? This
idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to
assemble the country people in every village we might pass through, and
delight them with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be
sure to pour on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that
provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and if
they did not stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature.

We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that
without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our
fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and
indeed, all the world over. There was no end to our projected travels,
and we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the pleasure
of crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to
stop at any place.

Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my
preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a
fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond. Farewell to the capital;
adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great
adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year! I
departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly furnished,
but a heart over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how to enjoy
the extensive felicity which I supposed my project encircled.

This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had
expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain
highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the
ale-houses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on
our departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of
depending on it entirely until our money should be expended. An
accident spared us that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant,
and in good time, for we both felt (though without daring to own it to
each other) that we began to be weary of it. This misfortune rendered
us gayer than ever; we laughed heartily at our giddiness in having
forgotten that our clothes and shoes would wear out, or trusting to

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renew them by the play of our fountain. We continued our journey as
merrily as we had begun it, only drawing faster towards that termination
where our drained purses made it necessary for us to arrive.

At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for
never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the reception
I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on her house as my
paternal home. I had written her an account of my reception at the Count
de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and, in congratulating me on my
good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the return I ought to make
for the kindness with which they treated me. She looked on my fortune as
already made, if not destroyed by my own negligence; what then would she
say on my arrival? for it never entered my mind that she might shut the
door against me, but I dreaded the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded
her reproaches, to me more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in
silence, and, if possible to appease her. I now saw nothing but Madam de
Warrens in the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was
impossible.

I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend,
and feared I should not easily get rid of. I prefaced this separation by
an affected coldness during the last day's journey. The drole understood
me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of
sense--I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I was
quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we set
foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, "You are now at
home,"--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel, and disappeared; nor
have I ever heard of him since.

How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de Warrens!
my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I neither
saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently to stop
that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses. Was it fear
of not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated me to
this degree? At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing with
hunger give such alarms? No: I declare with as much truth as pride, that
it was not in the power of interest or indigence, at any period of my
life, to expand or contract my heart. In the course of a painful life,
memorable for its vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, and
without bread, I have contemplated, with equal indifference, both
opulence and misery. In want I might have begged or stolen, as others
have done, but never could feel distress at being reduced to such
necessities. Few men have grieved more than myself, few have shed so
many tears; yet never did poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make
me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids. My soul, in despite of fortune,
has only been sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on
her; and frequently, when in possession of everything that could make
life pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals.

The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears--my heart
leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in

                                                                            73
transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand.
I am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me.
I discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow.
"Poor child!" said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again?
I knew you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that
it did not turn out so bad as I apprehended." She then made me recount
my history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only
some trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor
excusing myself.

The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this
point--I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when I
heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and saw
the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined apartment
with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put up at Madam
de Wolmar's. To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find that this
favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they thought me
attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warrens say, "They may talk
as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I am determined
not to abandon him."

Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the
happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me
for them. Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to
enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of
organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a
certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most
acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been
acquainted with his own temperament. This was my case till that time,
and such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de
Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained with her long
enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with
which she inspired me. I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not
feel the most charming sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted with
another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand times more delightful;
sometimes joined with love, but frequently separated from it. This
feeling is not simply friendship; it is more enchanting, more tender; nor
do I imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex; at least I
have been truly a friend, if ever a man was, and yet never experienced it
in that kind. This distinction is not sufficiently clear, but will
become so hereafter: sentiments are only distinguishable by their
effects.

Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a
handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room. I now
occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned
as the place of our first meeting. Beyond the brook and gardens was a
prospect of the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the young
inhabitant, being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, that I
had seen anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the dirty
street. How pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase the

                                                                            74
tenderness of my disposition, for I looked on this charming landscape as
the gift of my dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had placed it
there on purpose for me. Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her amidst
the flowers and the verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded with
those of the spring; my heart, till now contracted, here found means to
expand itself, and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat.

The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found at
Madam de Warrens, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, and a
patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation.
She had very little plate, no china, no game in her kitchen, or foreign
wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, and at every one's
service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware cups, was
excellent. Whoever came to her house was invited to dine there, and
never did laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without refreshment.
Her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, named
Merceret; a valet from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom I
shall speak hereafter), a cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited,
which seldom happened. This was a great deal to be done out of two
thousand livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have been
sufficient in a country where land is extremely good, and money very
scarce. Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she
contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like
a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared.

The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have
chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction. I was least pleased with the
necessity of remaining too long at table. Madam de Warrens was so much
incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion
fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never
attempting to eat for the first half hour. I could have dined thrice in
the time, and had ever finished my meal long before she began; I then ate
again for company; and though by this means I usually dined twice, felt
no inconvenience from it. In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the
happier as my situation required no care. Not being at this time
instructed in the state of her finances, I supposed her means were
adequate to her expense; and though I afterwards found the same
abundance, yet when instructed in her real situation, finding her pension
ever anticipated, prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility.
Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment; in vain I saw the
approach of misfortunes, I was never the more likely to avoid them.

From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was
established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the
rest of her life. Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma
we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced
the apparent difference of age between us. I think those names convey an
exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above all,
the similarity of our dispositions. To me she was the tenderest of
mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own
satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to

                                                                            75
change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate me
with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was
delighted to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter
into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and
endearments, or into my heart to abuse them. It will be said, at length
our connection was of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience,
that will come in its turn.

The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly
passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was
principally the work of surprise. With her I had neither transports nor
desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I
could not define, and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even
eternity, without feeling an instant of uneasiness.

She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of
conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes were
rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude
from interruption. So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather
thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her
projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and
gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had another singular fancy,
which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was
perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities
with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter
whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to
remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in
her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it
inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still
more.

If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see
her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my
uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave
me emotions of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one great
holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city,
my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her.
I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; that the
happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my
contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy,
but tempered with a flattering hope. The ringing of bells, which ever
particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day,
the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in
idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an
impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself
in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart,
possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures
inexpressible.

I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions
as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection

                                                                            76
of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I
had imagined it. If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic
vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary
duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect
tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment. Alas! my most
durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse
of, than I instantly awoke.

I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of
all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warrens made me
commit. When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a
supposition that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture
of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming
hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had
walked there. Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me,
which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a
word, there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an
absolute lover, and that particular renders my situation almost
inconceivable.

I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one
of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with
women. My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by
which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the
expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself. My local
situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman,
cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during the
whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly
to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I knew she had slept.
What a situation! Who can read this without supposing me on the brink of
the grave? But quite the contrary; that which might have ruined me,
acted as a preservative, at least for a time. Intoxicated with the charm
of living with her, with the ardent desire of passing my life there,
absent or present I saw in her a tender mother, an amiable sister, a
respected friend, but nothing more; meantime, her image filled my heart,
and left room far no other object. The extreme tenderness with which she
inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration, and
preserved me from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because I
loved her. Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, be
considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had for
her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears
extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel.

My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way
which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects to
digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, drugs
to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all this, came
crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all denominations. Some
times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier, an
apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay brother. I grumbled,
swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil, while she

                                                                            77
seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her
cheeks. What excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was
increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter. These
little intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were
charming; and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor
arrived, she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the
visit, meantime casting glances at me for which I could almost have beat
her; nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my
constrained politeness, though every moment glancing at her the look of
a fury, while, even in spite of myself, I thought the scene truly
diverting.

All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, because
it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful. Nothing that was
performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited my taste,
but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I should have
liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to it
perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my thinking of
it in a serious light. It was, perhaps, the first time that this art
produced mirth. I pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell,
and what was more diverting, was seldom mistaken. Madam de Warrens made
me taste the most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend
myself; spite of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even
of my teeth, when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was
obliged to give up the contest.

When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who
had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather
have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or
elixirs.

My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the
apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator,
Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade. Though I had not my old
passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them. The
Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me. The Abbe de
Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of
attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable. I accustomed
myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition;
exercising myself in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom.
For example, I corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common
with all Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade:

   Soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres,
   Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres

I was struck with the word 'parlat', and found a 't' was necessary to
form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written
and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative.

Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de

                                                                            78
Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction;
and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me.
I have already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding
was at this time in its meridian. Several people of learning having been
assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works
of merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather
Protestant; ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St.
Evremond, though long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not
prevent her having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts
with elegance. She had been brought up with polite company, and coming
young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had lost
the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit for
sense, and only speak in epigram.

Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was
sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding secret
jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt,
she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension. She knew
the world, and was useful. This was her favorite theme in our
conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though
the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for. We read Bruyere
together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull,
melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not fond of
contemplating man as he really is. In moralizing she sometimes
bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing her
lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never found
them wearisome.

This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the
uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my
enjoyment. Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and
interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could
readily have dispensed with. Happily it was not sufficient to know my
disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find
a situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of a
day. Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my
merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more
difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she
entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon
happened which put a period to my tranquility.

A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her; a
man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of
projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them. He had offered
Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had
not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of
Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution. He remained some
time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the Intendant's lady, who was
very amiable, much to my taste and the only person I saw with pleasure at
the house of Madam de Warrens. M. d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly
recommended by his relation; he promised, therefore, to question and see

                                                                            79
what I was fit for, and, if he found me capable to seek me a situation.
Madam de Warrens sent me to him two or three mornings, under pretense of
messages, without acquainting me with her real intention. He spoke to me
gayly, on various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his
familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and jesting
manner he encouraged without restraint--I was absolutely charmed with
him. The result of his observations was, that notwithstanding the
animation of my countenance, and promising exterior, if not absolutely
silly, I was a lad of very little sense, and without ideas of learning;
in fine, very ignorant in all respects, and if I could arrive at being
curate of some village, it was the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire
to. Such was the account he gave of me to Madam de Warrens. This was
not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me, neither was it
the last; the judgment of M. Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed.

The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not
to need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can
in conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality,
whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many others may have said, I
cannot help thinking them mistaken.

Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot
myself conceive. My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively
and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great embarrassment
and after much afterthought. It might be said my heart and understanding
do not belong to the same individual. A sentiment takes possession of my
soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of illuminating, it
dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but
stupid; to think I must be cool. What is astonishing, my conception is
clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at
leisure, but on the instant, could never say or do anything worth notice.
I could hold a tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the
Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of
Savoy, who turned himself round, while on a journey, to cry out 'a votre
gorge, marchand de Paris!' I said, "Here is a trait of my character!"

This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only
sensible of in conversation, but even alone. When I write, my ideas are
arranged with the utmost difficulty. They glance on my imagination and
ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during
this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single
word, and must wait till it is over. Insensibly the agitation subsides,
the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place.
Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene
everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any one
would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and little,
everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to
see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle. This is a
resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I
always waited till that confusion was past, and then pointed, in their
natural beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors

                                                                            80
would have surpassed me.

Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts,
blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost
me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four
or five times before it went to press. Never could I do anything when
placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or in
the woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I
compose; it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not
the advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by
heart six verses. Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my
head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it
is that I succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than
those that appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never
succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment;
nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it
costing me hours of fatigue. If I write immediately what strikes me, my
letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which,
when read, can hardly be understood.

It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to
receive them. I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable
observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I
remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections. From all
that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing,
conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; afterwards
it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the time, the
manner, the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; it is then,
from what has been done or said, that I imagine what has been thought,
and I have rarely found myself mistaken.

So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what I
must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you must
think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I should
forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me. Nor can
I comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large
companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and where
it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to
avoid saying what might give offence. In this particular, those who
frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know better
where to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet even they
sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must he be who
drops as it were from the clouds? it is almost impossible he should speak
ten minutes with impunity.

In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the
necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering
when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent.
This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with
variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being
obliged to speak continually without time for recollection. I know not

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whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am
obliged to speak, I infallibly talk nonsense. What is still worse,
instead of learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to
say, it is generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: and
endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, I
hastily gabble a number of words without ideas, happy when they only
chance to mean nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my
incapacity, I rarely fail to show it.

I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have
frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this was
the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, and
expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more shocking.
This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will not be
useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which might
otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a savage
humor I do not possess. I love society as much as any man, was I not
certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but totally
different from what I really am. The plan I have adopted of writing and
retirement, is what exactly suits me. Had I been present, my worth would
never have been known, no one would even have suspected it; thus it was
with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived for several
years; indeed, she has often since owned it to me: though on the whole
this rule may be subject to some exceptions. I shall now return to my
history.

The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of
promised, the question only remained how to render her capable of
fulfilling my destined vocation. The principle difficulty was, I did not
know Latin enough for a priest. Madam de Warrens determined to have me
taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the
Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little
fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least
pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great
matter.

He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed, and
made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was
willing enough to perform. While thus employed, she would run about the
room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her. Drawn by the
lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every
moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;" the whole forming a scene truly
diverting.

M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens, and, for a
very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing me.
The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not only
granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain the
secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might
have in my improvement.


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What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the seminary
with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution.
What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the house of a
pretty woman. I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed of Madam
de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! it will not be easily
conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book. Among the
talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a tolerable
good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the harpsichord. She had taken
the pains to give me some lessons in singing, though before I was very
uninformed in that respect, hardly knowing the music of our psalms.
Eight or ten interrupted lessons, far from putting me in a condition to
improve myself, did not teach me half the notes; notwithstanding, I had
such a passion for the art, that I determined to exercise myself alone.
The book I took was not of the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of
Clerambault. It may be conceived with what attention and perseverance I
studied, when I inform my reader, that without knowing anything of
transposition or quantity, I contrived to sing with tolerable
correctness, the first recitative and air in the cantata of Alpheus and
Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly set, that it is only
necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music.

There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach
me Latin made me detest it. His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his
face like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, the
countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard; his
smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by
wires. I have forgotten his odious name, but the remembrance of his
frightful precise countenance remains with me, though hardly can I
recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to mind our
meeting in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap
as a sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my
apprehension than a dungeon. Let any one judge the contrast between my
present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon.

Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my
head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was
melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of
my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from
the claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed me
with the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier,
who studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and
humanity to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own
studies in order to direct mine. Never did I see a more pleasing
countenance than that of M. Gatier. He was fair complexioned, his beard
rather inclined to red; his behavior like that of the generality of his
countrymen (who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much
understanding), marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul.
In his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and
melancholy, which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's
self interested. From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might
have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to

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be unhappy.

His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and
complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me.
So much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having
rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on
me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan of
teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress. It is
very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much from
masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know besides I
have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter. My spirit, impatient of
every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of the moment; even
the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, and a dread of
wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they
proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn
nothing. My understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to
that of another.

The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province
as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his
loss. The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered
for myself. Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish,
a young girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he
possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was ever in love. This was a
dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed, where the priests (being
under good regulation) ought never to have children--except by married
women. Having infringed this politic law, he was put in prison, defamed,
and driven from his benefice. I know not whether it was ever after in
his power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his
misfortunes, which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I
wrote Emilius, and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these
two worthy priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter
myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals.

While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy,
Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting
like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely amiable,
he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality that a
separation was talked of. Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at length
procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable man; a
mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish. It is said the
provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. d'Aubonne
revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de Warrens,
who showed it to me. I was pleased with it, and immediately conceived
the idea of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the author had
pronounced me. This project was not executed till I went to Chambery,
where I wrote 'The Lover of Himself'. Thus when I said in the preface to
that piece, "it was written at eighteen," I cut off a few years.

Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself,
but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I

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had forgotten it. Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not
necessary to say what use I made of this liberty. Being one Sunday at
Madam de Warrens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined
her house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being
full of dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house;
for the wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with
them. The furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the
garden which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned
brook. I was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that
came to hand out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at
another time I should have found it difficult to remove, and should have
thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me.
The good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not
remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers with
the rest that were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards,
I found them on their knees, and presently joined them. While the good
man was at his devotions, the wind changed, so suddenly and critically,
that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the
windows, were carried to the other side of the court, and the house
received no damage. Two years after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the
Antoines, his former brethren, began to collect anecdotes which might
serve as arguments of his beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet,
I joined to these an attestation of what I have just related, in doing
which, though I attested no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill,
as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle. I had
seen the bishop in prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during
the prayer, and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly;
but that one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to
have attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured of.
Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas were at
that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest a Catholic. Love of the
marvellous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for the virtuous
prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed to the event in
question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if this miracle was the
effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a share of the merits.

More than thirty years after, when I published the 'Lettres de la
Montagne', M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this
attestation, and made use of it in his paper. I must confess the
discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting,
even to me.

I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding
M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my
studies, they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion
to the pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to continue
them: the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, and I was
sent back to Madam de Warrens, as a subject not even fit to make a priest
of; but as they allowed, at the same time, that I was a tolerably good
lad, and far from being vicious, this account counterbalanced the former,
and determined her not to abandon me.

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I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful
to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at
the seminary. My predilection for this art started the idea of making a
musician of, me. A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at
least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the
cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently to see her.
This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively,
gay, young, well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a
good sort of man. Madam de Warrens made us acquainted; I attached myself
to him, and he seemed not displeased with me. A pension was talked of,
and agreed on; in short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the
more agreeably at his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces
distant from Madam de Warrens', where we frequently supped together.
It may easily be supposed that this situation, ever gay, and singing with
the musicians and children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the
seminary and fathers of St. Lazarus. This life, though free, was
regular; here I learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it.
For six whole months I never once went out except to see Madam de
Warrens, or to church, nor had I any inclination to it. This interval is
one of those in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I
have ever recollected with pleasure. Among the various situations I have
been placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous
satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet
present. I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and even
the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain local
impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again to the very
spot; for example, all that was repeated at our meetings, all that was
sung in the choir, everything that passed there; the beautiful and noble
habits of the canons, the chasubles of the priests, the mitres of the
singers, the persons of the musicians; an old lame carpenter who played
the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who performed on the violin, the
ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to
put over his secular habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered
the rags of the former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which I
held my little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, to
assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for me;
the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites we
carried to it. This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my
memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or perhaps more, than ever
the reality had done. I have always preserved an affection for a certain
air of the 'Conditor alme Syderum', because one Sunday in Advent I heard
that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, (according to the custom of
that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak. Mademoiselle Merceret,
Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew something of music; I shall never
forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing with her, and which
her mistress listened to with great satisfaction. In a word, every
particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys of the choir
took such delight in teasing. The remembrance of these times of
happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and
affect me.

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I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving
universal satisfaction. Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty
of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warrens.
She was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became
my only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and
understanding were in unison. It is true that a single sentiment,
absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even
music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination,
I added the utmost assiduity. I was attentive and thoughtful; what could
I do? Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me;
meantime, it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion
the commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance
arranged it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave
in to it.

One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all
sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door. Perrine
took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came
upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a
short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French
musician, constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty.
The hart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician,
for he passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore
offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment, which
he appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted without much
ceremony. I observed him while he was chatting and warming himself
before supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his shape,
though without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so express
myself) an appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I
think he limped. He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung
in tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of
splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of
them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be
carried under his arm. With this whimsical equipage, he had, however,
something elegant in his manners and conversation; his countenance was
expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with facility if not with modesty;
in short, everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee, who
did not crave assistance like a beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap.
He told us his name was Venture de Villeneuve, that he came from Paris,
had lost his way, and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for
a musician, added that he was going to Grenoble to see a relation that
was a member of Parliament.

During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he knew
all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors,
actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was
mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with. Though no
sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one
a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said. This was on a
Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le

                                                                            87
Maitre asked if he would sing there--"Very willingly."--"What part would
he chose?"--"The counter-tenor:" and immediately began speaking of other
things. Before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse,
but he did not even look at it. This Gasconade surprised Le Maitre
--"You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does not know a single
note."--I replied: "I am very much afraid of him." I followed them into
the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they began, my heart beat
violently, so much was I interested in his behalf.

I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all
imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very
agreeable voice. I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise. After mass,
M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and
musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace. M. le
Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at
his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction.

It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M.
Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated
with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the
world, and might be called an agreeable rake. This was exactly what
happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in
my place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to
distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture
doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very
rare at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his
talents. It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand,
but of those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing,
patiently waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with
ease, though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect.
As there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various
abilities, it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered
all his talents. Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in
conversation, ever smiling, but never laughing, and repeating the rudest
things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were
astonished at what they endured from him: it was in vain for them to
determine to be angry; they could not assume the appearance of it.
It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents, in a country
where they are so well understood, and so much admired, he so long
remained only a musician.

My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less
extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I
had conceived for M. Bacle. I loved to see him, to hear him, all his
actions appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but
the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting
him. I spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre
likewise spoke in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to
her house. This interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she
found him a libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill
acquaintance, not only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise

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painted so strongly the danger I ran with this young man, that I became a
little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily,
both for my manners and wits, we were soon separated.

M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he
was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink. His maid was so
well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper
to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass arrived,
and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever
absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation. This was
really unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that
Madam de Warrens used to call him the kitten. Unhappily, he loved his
profession, labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his
health, and at length soured his temper. Sometimes he was gloomy and
easily offended, though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any
one, for never did he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir:
on the other hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was
but just: the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not
properly discriminate, and was often angry without cause.

The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly thought
it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient splendor,
retained (without any diminution) its pride. To be admitted, you must
either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne. If there is a pardonable
pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is doubtless that
arising from birth, though, in general, priests having laymen in their
service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus the canons
behaved to poor Le Maitre. The chanter, in particular, who was called
the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, but too full
of his nobility, did not always show him the attention his talents
merited. M. le Maitre could not bear these indignities patiently;
and this year, during passion week, they had a more serious dispute than
ordinary. At an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and
to which M. Maitre was always invited, the abbe failed in some formality,
adding, at the same time, some harsh words, which the other could not
digest; he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following
night; nor could any consideration make him give up his design, though
Madam de Warrens (whom he went to take leave of) spared no pains to
appease him. He could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants
embarrassed for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they stood in
greatest need of him. He was most concerned about his music, which he
wished to take with him; but this could not easily be accomplished, as it
filled a large case, and was very heavy, and could not be carried under
the arm.

Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and
indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him,
seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she formed
the resolution to give him every possible assistance. I must confess Le
Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the expression)
dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to either his art or

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knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to
his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an essential occasion, the
many favors he had been long conferring on her; though I should observe,
she possessed a soul that, to fulfill such duties, had no occasion to be
reminded of previous obligations. Accordingly she ordered me to follow
Le Maitre to Lyons, and to continue with him as long as he might have
occasion for my services. She has since avowed, that a desire of
detaching me from Venture had a great hand in this arrangement. She
consulted Claude Anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case.
He advised, that instead of hiring a beast at Annecy, which would
infallibly discover us, it would be better, at night, to take it to some
neighboring village, and there hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which
being in the French dominions, we should have nothing to fear. This plan
was adopted; we departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warrens,
under pretense of paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le
Maitre by an addition that was very acceptable. Claude Anet, the
gardiner, and myself, carried the case to the first village, then hired
an ass, and the same night reached Seyssel.

I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so
unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite
disposition; I shall now give an example of this. M. Reydelet, curate of
Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently known to M. le Maitre,
and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to
conceal himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to
him, and, under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him
by consent of the chapter. Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to
give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went
boldly to Reydelet, who received us very kindly. Le Maitre told him he
was going to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend
the music during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that
way in a few days. To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so
naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and treated
me with great friendship and civility. We were well regaled and well
lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we parted
the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop longer on our
return. We found it difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till we
were alone to give free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare
recollection of it forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more
fortunately maintained. This would have made us merry during the
remainder of our journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking)
had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he
afterwards became very subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy.
These fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments, from which I
resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity.

According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter
holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the
music--master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure. M. le
Maitre was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited
that distinction. The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own

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works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for
besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a
jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile flatterer. He was so superior
to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of
it, that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician.

Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed,
and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except
those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre
Dame de Pitie. While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned
case (which by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good
patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to
visit his acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who
will be spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of
whom received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen
presently; indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet.

Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not far
from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was now
so violent as to give me the utmost alarm. I screamed with terror,
called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to
it, then (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had
fallen senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on
whom he could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when
no one heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared.
Thanks to Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such
remained, I should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken.

Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in
the places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the following
book is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest extravagancies of
my life, and it is happy they had not worse conclusions. My head, (if I
may use the simile) screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not
naturally accord with, had lost its diapason; in time it returned to it
again, when I discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more
consonant to my disposition. This epoch of my youth I am least able to
recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my
heart, to make me clearly retrace the remembrance. In so many successive
changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or
place. I write absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to
help my recollection. Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had
recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up
but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those
to which they refer. It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in
trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I can
answer that the account is faithfully exact, and with the same veracity
the reader may depend I shall be careful to continue it.

My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out
immediately for Annecy. The cause and mystery of our departure had
interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which

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entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other
idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant
sentiment regained its place. Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I
had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the tenderness and truth
of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable
project, and all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but
living near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the
distance between us was increased. I returned, therefore, as soon as
possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of
agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels, I
have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving
Lyons and reaching Annecy. Let anyone judge whether this last event can
have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found Madam de
Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris.

I was never well informed of the motives of this journey. I am certain
she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious to
learn the secrets of his friend. My heart is ever so entirely filled
with the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part
of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to
enter. All that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the
revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia,
she feared being forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of
M. d' Aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of France, where
she has often told me she should, have preferred it, as the multiplicity
of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected.
If this was her business, it is astonishing that on her return she was
not ill received; be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her
allowance without any interruption. Many people imagined she was charged
with some secret commission, either by the bishop, who then had business
at the court of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go,
or some one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious
reception at her return. If this was the case, it is certain the
ambassadress was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had
all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation.




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK IV.


                                                                            92
Let any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my arrival.
I now felt regret at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my uneasiness
increased when I learned the misfortunes that had befallen him. His box
of music, containing all his fortune, that precious box, preserved with
so much care and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by means of Count
Dortan, who had received information from the Chapter of our having
absconded with it. In vain did Le Maitre reclaim his property, his means
of existence, the labor of his life; his right to the music in question
was at least subject to litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed
him, the affair being instantly decided on the principal of superior
strength. Thus poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor
of his youth, and principal dependence for the support of old age.

Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting,
but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be
sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation. I expected shortly
to hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was ignorant of the address,
and she knew nothing of my return. As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all
things considered) I did not find it so very culpable. I had been
serviceable to him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him any
further assistance. Had I remained with him in France it would not have
cured his complaint. I could not have saved his music, and should only
have doubled his expense: in this point of view I then saw my conduct;
I see it otherwise now. It frequently happens that a villainous action
does not torment us at the instant we commit it, but on recollection, and
sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance
of crimes is not to be extinguished.

The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to remain at
Annecy. Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of
such a journey? Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so
certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration
determined me to remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent.
I did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended me, and might
continue to do so; my patroness was not present, and I feared his
reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go to the
seminary, M. Graswas no longer there; in short, I went to none of my
acquaintances. I should gladly have visited the intendant's lady, but
did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom (notwithstanding
my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my departure. I found him
quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal favorite of the ladies of
Annecy.

This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he
almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens. That I might profit more at
ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings,
to which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker's; a pleasant,
jovial fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but
trollop; an appellation which she certainly merited. Venture took care
to augment their differences, though under an appearance of doing the

                                                                            93
direct contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial
accents, hints that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such scenes
as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter. Thus the mornings
passed without our thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we took some
refreshment. Venture then went to his various engagements, where he
supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and
admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not
call me to so happy a life. How little did I then know of myself! mine
had been a thousand times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or
known better how to enjoy it.

Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the
chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house.
Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably
agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my
knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress. I often went
to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance
one more beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had several friends,
and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the
punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for me,
always pressing Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me with
her. As I liked Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany her;
besides I met there with some young people whose company pleased me.
For Mademoiselle Giraud, who offered every kind of enticement, nothing
could increase the aversion I had for her. When she drew near me, with
her dried black snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost
difficulty that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; but, being
pleased with her visitors, I took patience. Among these were two girls
who (either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me
every possible attention. I conceived this to be only friendship; but
have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered
something more, though I did not even think of it at the time.

There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses, chambermaids,
or milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies! Every one has his
peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in this particular of a
different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not vanity of riches or rank
that attracts me; it is a well-preserved complexion, fine hands, elegance
of ornaments, an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the whole
person; more in taste, in the manner of expressing themselves, a finer or
better made gown, a well-turned ankle, small foot, ribbons, lace, and
well-dressed hair; I even prefer those who have less natural beauty,
provided they are elegantly decorated. I freely confess this preference
is very ridiculous; yet my heart gives in to it spite of my
understanding. Well, even this advantage presented itself, and it only
depended on my own resolution to have seized the opportunity.

How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my youth,
which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and enjoyed at
so cheap a rate!--how fondly do I wish to dwell on them! Even yet the
remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste rapture, which

                                                                            94
appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage, and enable me to
sustain the weariness of my latter days.

The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that, putting
on my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the rising of the sun.
I enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it was one week after
midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and flowers, the
nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded, seemed to vie
with each other, and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu
to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful summer's day: one of
those lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age, and which
have never been seen on the melancholy soil I now inhabit.

I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance from the town--the
heat augmented--I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the side of
a brook, I heard behind me the steps of horses, and the voice of some
females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the less
heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by name, and
approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance, Mademoiselle de
G---- and Mademoiselle Galley, who, not being very excellent horsewomen,
could not make their horses cross the rivulet.

Mademoiselle de G---- was a young lady of Berne, very amiable; who,
having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had imitated
Madam de Warrens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her; but not
having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this attachment to
Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother to engage her young
friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise provided for.
Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her friend, handsomer,
more delicate, more ingenious, and to complete all, extremely well made.
They loved each other tenderly, and the good disposition of both could
not fail to render their union durable, if some lover did not derange it.
They informed me they were going to Toune, an old castle belonging to
Madam Galley, and implored my assistance to make their horses cross the
stream, not being able to compass it themselves. I would have given each
a cut or two with the whip, but they feared I might be kicked, and
themselves thrown; I therefore had recourse to another expedient, I took
hold of Mademoiselle Galley's horse and led him through the brook, the
water reaching half-way up my legs. The other followed without any
difficulty. This done, I would have paid my compliments to the ladies,
and walked off like a great booby as I was, but after whispering each
other, Mademoiselle de G---- said, "No, no, you must not think to escape
thus; you have got wet in our service, and we ought in conscience to take
care and dry you. If you please you must go with us, you are now our
prisoner." My heart began to beat--I looked at Mademoiselle Galley
--"Yes, yes," added she, laughing at my fearful look; "our prisoner of war;
come, get up behind her, we shall give a good account of you."--"But,
mademoiselle," continued I, "I have not the honor to be acquainted with
your mother; what will she say on my arrival?"--"Her mother," replied
Mademoiselle de G---- is not at Toune, we are alone, we shall return at
night, and you shall come back with us."

                                                                              95
The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these
words produced on me. Leaping behind Mademoiselle de G----, I trembled
with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to hold
myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived it, and told me
hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present posture, I might
naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of the
truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare, and during the whole way my
arm served as a girdle (a very close one, I must confess), without being
a moment displaced. Some women that may read this would be for giving me
a box on the ear, and, truly, I deserved it.

The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened me,
that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a
moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my tongue spoke as
fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things. Some minutes,
indeed, when I was left alone with either, the conversation became a
little embarrassed, but neither of them was absent long enough to allow
time for explaining the cause.

Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together; after
which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing
dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time the farmer's
children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling. Provisions had
been sent for from town, and there was everything necessary for a good
dinner, but unhappily they had forgotten wine; this forgetfulness was by
no means astonishing to girls who seldom drank any, but I was sorry for
the omission, as I had reckoned on its help, thinking it might add to my
confidence. They were sorry likewise, and perhaps from the same motive;
though I have no reason to say this, for their lively and charming gayety
was innocence itself; besides, there were two of them, what could they
expect from me? they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for
wine, but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants in
those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them not to
give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with them I had
no occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only gallantry I
ventured at during the whole of the day, and I believe the sly rogues saw
well enough that I said nothing but the truth.

We dined in the kitchen; the two friends were seated on the benches, one
on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between them, on
a three--legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the remembrance!
While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure, such true
delights, why should we be solicitous for others? Never did those
'petite soupes', so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not only say
for real pleasure and gayety, but even for sensuality.

After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee we had
reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation, with cream,
and some cake they had brought with them. To keep our appetites in play,
we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our dessert with cherries.

                                                                            96
I got into a tree, throwing them down bunches, from which they returned
the stones through the branches. One time, Mademoiselle Galley, holding
out her apron, and drawing back her head, stood so fair, and I took such
good aim, that I dropped a bunch into her bosom. On her laughing, I said
to myself, "Why are not my lips cherries? How gladly would I throw them
there likewise."

Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost
decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at double-meaning
pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only performed the
parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some will say my folly,
was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing
the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the attending circumstances
helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor; we were alone, I was
embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and my lips, instead of
uttering words, were pressed on her hand, which she drew gently back
after the salute, without any appearance of displeasure. I know not what
I should have said to her; but her friend entered, and at that moment I
thought her ugly.

At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to town
before night; even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight;
and we hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had I pleased
myself, I should certainly have reversed this order, for the glance of
Mademoiselle Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not mention it,
and the proposal could not reasonably come from her. On the way, we
expressed our sorrow that the day was over, but far from complaining of
the shortness of its duration, we were conscious of having prolonged it
by every possible amusement.

I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up. With
what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form projects to
renew our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed innocently
together, yet were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet remembrance of
those days cost those amiable girls nothing; the tender union which
reigned among us equalled more lively pleasures, with which it could not
have existed. We loved each other without shame or mystery, and wished
to continue our reciprocal affection. There is a species of enjoyment
connected with innocence of manners which is superior to any other,
because it has no interval; for myself, the remembrance of such a day
touches me nearer, delights me more, and returns with greater rapture to
my heart than any other pleasure I ever tasted. I hardly knew what I
wished with those charming girls. I do not say: that had the arrangement
been in my power, I should have divided my heart between them;
I certainly felt some degree of preference: though I should have been
happy to have had Mademoiselle de G----, for a mistress, I think,
by choice, I should have liked her, better as a confidante; be that as it
may, I felt on leaving them as though I could not live without either.
Who would have thought that I should never see them more; and that here
our ephemeral amours must end?


                                                                            97
Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and remark,
that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward adventures
concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken, reader, in your
estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted more real pleasure in
my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the hand, than you will ever have
in yours, which, at least, begin there.

Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon after
me. I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took care not
to inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken of him
slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands;
this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my ideas from them
was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon brought me back to him
and myself, by speaking of the situation of my affairs, which was too
critical to last; for, though I spent very little, my slender finances
were almost exhausted. I was without resource; no news of Madam de
Warrens; not knowing what would become of me, and feeling a cruel pang at
heart to see the friend of Mademoiselle Galley reduced to beggary.

I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge Major,
and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a man who by
means of his friends might render me essential service. In other
respects he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of wit and letters,
of agreeable conversation, one who possessed talents and loved them in
others. After this discourse (mingling the most serious concerns with
the most trifling frivolity) he showed me a pretty couplet, which came
from Paris, on an air in one of Mouret's operas, which was then playing.
Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was so pleased with this couplet, that
he determined to make another in answer to it, on the same air. He had
desired Venture to write one, and he wished me to make a third, that, as
he expressed it, they might see couplets start up next day like incidents
in a comic romance.

In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my first
essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed with more
taste than it would have been the preceding night, the subject being
tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed. In the morning
I showed my performance to Venture, who, being pleased with the couplet,
put it in his pocket, without informing me whether he had made his. We
dined with M. Simon, who treated us very politely. The conversation was
agreeable; indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural
good sense, improved by reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which
was to listen without attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of
them mentioned the couplet nor do I know that it ever passed for mine.
M. Simon appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was almost all
he saw of me at this interview. We had often met at Madam de Warrens,
but he had never paid much attention to me; it is from this dinner,
therefore, that I date our acquaintance, which, though of no use in
regard to the object I then had in view, was afterwards productive of
advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure. I should be wrong
not to give some account of this person, since from his office of

                                                                            98
magistrate, and the reputation of wit on which he piqued himself, no idea
could be formed of it. The judge major, Simon, certainly was not two feet
high; his legs spare, straight, and tolerably long, would have added
something to his stature had they been vertical, but they stood in the
direction of an open pair of compasses. His body was not only short, but
thin, being in every respect of most inconceivable smallness--when naked
he must have appeared like a grasshopper. His head was of the common
size, to which appertained a well-formed face, a noble look, and
tolerably fine eyes; in short, it appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a
miserable stump. He might very well have dispensed with dress, for his
large wig alone covered him from head to foot.

He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled perpetually in
his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but afterwards a very
disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous, was, if I may hazard the
expression, the voice of his head: the other, clear, sharp, and piercing,
the voice of his body. When he paid particular attention, and spoke
leisurely, so as to preserve his breath, he could continue his deep tone;
but if he was the least animated, or attempted a lively accent, his voice
sounded like the whistling of a key, and it was with the utmost
difficulty that he could return to the bass.

With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means
overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with
soft tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery.
Willing to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave
audience in bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow no
one could have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave
birth to scenes, which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy.

One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather on the
bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon,
a countryman arriving knocked at the door; the maid happened to be out;
the judge, therefore, hearing the knock repeated, cried "Come in," and,
as he spoke rather loud, it was in his shrill tone. The man entered,
looked about, endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded
and at length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons, was
about to leave the room, making the supposed lady a hundred apologies.
M. Simon, in a rage, screamed the more; and the countryman, yet more
confirmed in his opinion, conceiving himself to be insulted, began
railing in his turn, saying that, "Apparently, she was nothing better
than a common streetwalker, and that the judge major should be ashamed of
setting such ill examples." The enraged magistrate, having no other
weapon than the jordan under his bed, was just going to throw it at the
poor fellow's head as his servant returned.

This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed by
possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had been
careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he did not
like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of literature,
which he studied with success: above all, he possessed that superficial

                                                                            99
brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even with the ladies.
He knew by heart a number of little stories, which he perfectly well knew
how to make the most of; relating with an air of secrecy, and as an
anecdote of yesterday, what happened sixty years before. He understood
music, and could sing agreeably; in short, for a magistrate, he had many
pleasing talents. By flattering the ladies of Annecy, he became
fashionable among them, appearing continually in their train. He even
pretended to favors, at which they were much amused. A Madam D'Epigny
used to say "The greatest favor he could aspire to, was to kiss a lady on
her knees."

As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both
amusing and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study,
I cultivated his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at
Chambery, I frequently went from thence to see him. His praises
increased my emulation, to which he added some good advice respecting the
prosecution of my studies, which I found useful. Unhappily, this weakly
body contained a very feeling soul. Some years after, he was chagrined
by I know not what unlucky affair, but it cost him his life. This was
really unfortunate, for he was a good little man, whom at a first
acquaintance one laughed at, but afterwards loved. Though our situations
in life were very little connected with each other, as I received some
useful lessons from him, I thought gratitude demanded that I should
dedicate a few sentences to his memory.

As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where
Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see someone go
in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not even a cat
appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if it had been
uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one loitering about
was, consequently, more likely to be noticed; from time to time people
passed in and out of the neighborhood; I was much embarrassed, thinking
my person might be known, and the cause that brought me there
conjectured; this idea tortured me, for I have ever preferred the honor
and happiness of those I love to my own pleasures.

At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar,
I determined to write to Mademoiselle de G----. I should have preferred
writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty, as it appeared
more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the acquaintance, and with
whom I was most familiar. Having written my letter, I took it to
Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had agreed at parting, they
having furnished me with this expedient. Mademoiselle Giraud was a
quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam Galley's, which procured her free
admission to the house. I must confess, I was not thoroughly satisfied
with this messenger, but was cautious of starting difficulties, fearing
that if I objected to her no other might be named, and it was impossible
to intimate that she had an inclination to me herself. I even felt
humiliated that she should think I could imagine her of the same sex as
those young ladies: in a word, I accepted her agency rather than none,
and availed myself of it at all events.

                                                                            100
At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was not a
difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken
sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me.
It will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little
satisfaction, she undertook it, however, and performed it faithfully.
The next morning I ran to her house and found an answer ready for me.
How did I hurry away that I might have an opportunity to read and kiss it
alone! though this need not been told, but the plan adopted by
Mademoiselle Giraud (and in which I found more delicacy and moderation
than I had expected) should. She had sense enough to conclude that her
thirty--seven years, hare's eyes, daubed nose, shrill voice, and black
skin, stood no chance against two elegant young girls, in all the height
and bloom of beauty; she resolved, therefore, nether to betray nor assist
them, choosing rather to lose me entirely than entertain me for them.

As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she thought of
returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud determined her; nay
more, she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her
father's and proposed me. As I happened to be agreeable to little
Merceret, she approved the idea, and the same day they mentioned it to me
as a fixed point. Finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had
disposed of me, I consented, thinking it could not be above a week's
journey at most; but Giraud, who had arranged the whole affair, thought
otherwise. It was necessary to avow the state of my finances, and the
conclusion was, that Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench
on one hand what was expended on the other, I advised that her little
baggage should be sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy
journeys on foot.

I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is nothing
to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I may tell the
truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less artful than Giraud,
never made me so many advances, but she imitated my manners, my actions,
repeated my words, and showed me all those little attentions I ought to
have had for her. Being very timorous, she took great care that we
should both sleep in the same chamber; a circumstance that usually
produces some consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of twenty
--five.

For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such, that
though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of gallantry
never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a novice to
have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young persons could
bring themselves to sleep together, thinking that such familiarity must
require an age of preparation. If poor Merceret paid my expenses in
hopes of any return, she was terribly cheated, for we arrived at Fribourg
exactly as we had quitted Annecy.

I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over the
bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed. Never

                                                                            101
could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it, without
feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same time that
the image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of equality, union, and
gentleness of manners, touched me even to tears, and inspired me with a
lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages. What an error
was I in! but yet how natural! I imagined I saw all this in my native
country, because I bore it in my heart.

It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without seeing my
good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards have died
with regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his house.
How wrong was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to the
parental tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were mingled
with our embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related my
history, and informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly,
mentioning the dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the
shortest follies were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force,
in which particular I think he acted right; but it is certain he did not
do everything in his power to detain me, even by fair means. Whether
after the step I had taken, he thought I ought not to return, or was
puzzled at my age to know what to do with me--I have since found that he
conceived a very unjust opinion of my travelling companion. My step
--mother, a good woman, a little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing
me to stay to supper; I did not, however, comply, but told them I
proposed remaining longer with them on my return; leaving as a deposit
my little packet, that had come by water, and would have been an
incumbrance, had I taken it with me. I continued my journey the next
morning, well satisfied that I had seen my father, and had taken courage
to do my duty.

We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the conclusion of
the journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret rather diminished,
and, after our arrival, she treated me even with coldness. Her father,
who was not in the best circumstances, did not show me much attention,
and I was obliged to lodge at an alehouse. I went to see them the next
morning, and received an invitation to dine there, which I accepted. We
separated without tears at night; I returned to my paltry lodging, and
departed the second day after my arrival, almost without knowing whither
to go to.

This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me
precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret was
a good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively, but
tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some little
humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any violent outbreak
of temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might have married her
without difficulty, and followed her father's business. My taste for
music would have made me love her; I should have settled at Fribourg, a
small town, not pretty, but inhabited by very worthy people--I should
certainly have missed great pleasures, but should have lived in peace to
my last hour, and I must know best what I should have gained by such a

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step.

I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself with
a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost extent.
The greater part of my secret motives have not been so reasonable.
Distant expectation has rarely strength enough to influence my actions;
the uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects whose
execution requires a length of time as deceitful lures. I give in to
visionary scenes of hope as well as others, provided they cost nothing,
but if attended with any trouble, I have done with them. The smallest,
the most trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my reach, tempts
me more than all the joys of paradise. I must except, however, those
pleasures which are necessarily followed by pain; I only love those
enjoyments which are unadulterated, which can never be the case where we
are conscious they must be followed by repentance.

It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest was best;
for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the evening at
Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little stock except ten
creuzers, which served to purchase my next day's dinner. Arriving in the
evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house, without a penny in my
pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what would become of me. I
found myself extremely hungry--setting, therefore, a good face on the
matter, I ordered supper, made my meal, went to bed without thought and
slept with great composure. In the morning, having breakfasted and
reckoned with my host, I offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for
seven batz, which was the amount of my expenses. The honest man refused
this, saying, thank Heaven, he had never stripped any one, and would not
now begin for seven batz, adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him
when I could. I was affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it
less than I ought to have done, or have since experienced on the
remembrance of it. I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by
one I could depend on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my
return from Italy, I felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name
of the landlord and house. I wished to see him, and should have felt
real pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action.
Services which doubtless have been much more important, but rendered with
ostentation, have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the simple
unaffected humanity of this honest man.

As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of
extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother.
I compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture,
on his arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the idea, that without
recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents, I
determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach music,
which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where I had never
been.

In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company where I
could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to venture among

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professional people), I inquired for some little inn, where I could lodge
cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who took in boarders.
This Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the world, received me very
kindly, and after having heard my feigned story and profession, promised
to speak of me, and endeavored to procure me scholars, saying he should
not expect any money till I had earned it. His price for board, though
moderate in itself, was a great deal to me; he advised me, therefore, to
begin with half board, which consisted of good soup only for dinner, but
a plentiful supper at night. I closed with this proposition, and the
poor Perrotet trusted me with great cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no
trouble to be useful to me.

Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few in my
age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the same
situation I did formerly, among the commonality, where violent passions
predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her genuine
sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely smothered, and
under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is heard.

Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and some
excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I have already
observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium, in which I am
entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to relate is an
instance of this: to comprehend how completely my brain was turned, and
to what degree I had 'Venturised' (if I may be allowed the expression),
the many extravagances I ran into at the same time should be considered.
Behold me, then, a singing master, without knowing how to note a common
song; for if the five or six months passed with Le Maitre had improved
me, they could not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an
undertaking; besides, being taught by a master was enough (as I have
before observed) to make me learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva,
and a Catholic in a Protestant country, I thought I should change my name
with my religion and country, still approaching as near as possible to
the great model I had in view. He called himself Venture de Villeneuve.
I changed, by anagram, the name Rousseau into that of Vaussore, calling
myself Monsieur Vaussore de Villeneuve. Venture was a good composer,
though he had not said so; without knowing anything of the art, I boasted
of my skill to every one. This was not all: being presented to Monsieur
de Freytorens, professor of law, who loved music, and who gave concerts
at his house, nothing would do but I must give him a proof of my talents,
and accordingly I set about composing a piece for his concerts, as boldly
as if I had really understood the science. I had the constancy to labor
a fortnight at this curious business, to copy it fair, write out the
different parts, and distribute them with as much assurance as if they
had been masterpieces of harmony; in short (what will hardly be believed,
though strictly true), I tacked a very pretty minuet to the end of it,
that was commonly played about the streets, and which many may remember
from these words, so well known at that time:

               Quel caprice!
               Quel injustice!

                                                                            104
               Quio, tu Clarice
               Trahiriot tes feux? &'c.

Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by the
help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my composition, I put
this minuet and bass, suppressing the words, and uttering it for my own
as confidently as if I had been speaking to the inhabitants of the moon.
They assembled to perform my piece; I explain to each the movement, taste
of execution, and references to his part--I was fully occupied. They
were five or six minutes preparing, which were for me so many ages: at
length, everything is adjusted, myself in a conspicuous situation, a fine
roll of paper in my hand, gravely preparing to beat time. I gave four or
five strokes with my paper, attending with "take care!" they begin
--No, never since French operas existed was there such a confused discord!
The minuet, however, presently put all the company in good humor; hardly
was it begun, before I heard bursts of laughter from all parts, every one
congratulated me on my pretty taste for music, declaring this minuet
would make me spoken of, and that I merited the loudest praise. It is
not necessary to describe my uneasiness, or to own how much I deserved
it.

Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was kind
enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound conviction of my
folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to which I was reduced,
with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my heart,
made me open it to him; giving, therefore, a loose to my tears, not
content with owning my ignorance, I told all, conjuring him to secrecy;
he kept his word, as every one will suppose. The same evening, all
Lausanne knew who I was, but what is remarkable, no one seemed to know,
not even the good Perrotet, who (notwithstanding what had happened)
continued to lodge and board me.

I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay had not
rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not present
themselves in crowds, not a single female, and not a person of the city.
I had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was ignorant, who
fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to edify much.

At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a girl
amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not read a
note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her master, to teach
him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to read an air at
first sight, that in the charming concert I have just described, I could
not possibly follow the execution a moment, or know whether they played
truly what lay before them, and I myself had composed.

In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the pleasing
consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from my two charming
friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the fair;
when in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction more than to be sensible
that an amiable woman is interested for me. This correspondence ceased

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soon after, and was never renewed: indeed it was my own fault, for in
changing situations I neglected sending my address, and forced by
necessity to think perpetually of myself, I soon forgot them.

It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warrens, but it should not
be supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment absent from my
thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely because she was
necessary to my subsistence, but because she was infinitely more
necessary to my heart. My attachment to her (though lively and tender,
as it really was) did not prevent my loving others, but then it was not
in the same manner. All equally claimed my tenderness for their charms,
but it was those charms alone I loved, my passion would not have survived
them, while Madam de Warrens might have become old or ugly without my
loving her the less tenderly. My heart had entirely transmitted to
herself the homage it first paid to her beauty, and whatever change she
might experience, while she remained herself, my sentiments could not
change. I was sensible how much gratitude I owed to her, but in truth, I
never thought of it, and whether she served me or not, it would ever have
been the same thing. I loved her neither from duty, interest, nor
convenience; I loved her because I was born to love her. During my
attachment to another, I own this affection was in some measure deranged;
I did not think so frequently of her, but still with the same pleasure,
and never, in love or otherwise, did I think of her without feeling that
I could expect no true happiness in life while in a state of separation.

Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de Warrens, I
never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could have forgotten
me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later that I am wandering
about, and will find some means to inform me of her situation: I am
certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it was a pleasure to live in
her native country, to walk in the streets where she had walked, and
before the houses that she had lived in; yet all this was the work of
conjecture, for one of my foolish peculiarities was, not daring to
inquire after her, or even pronounce her name without the most absolute
necessity. It seemed in speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that
my lips revealed the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the
object of my affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this
idea; I dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken
of, and some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing, therefore,
that something might be said which I did not wish to hear, I preferred
being silent on the subject.

As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where she
was born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a walk of
three or four days; during which time a most pleasant emotion never left
me. A view of the lake of Geneva and its admirable banks, had ever, in
my idea, a particular attraction which I cannot describe; not arising
merely from the beauty of the prospect, but something else, I know not
why, more interesting, which affects and softens me. Every time I have
approached the Vaudois country I have experienced an impression composed
of the remembrance of Madam de Warrens, who was born there; of my father,

                                                                            106
who lived there; of Miss Vulson, who had been my first love, and of
several pleasant journeys I had made there in my childhood, mingled with
some nameless charm, more powerfully attractive than all the rest. When
that ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility (which ever
follows me, and for which I was born) inflames my mind, 'tis ever to the
country of Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that
imagination leads me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no
other, is absolutely necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow,
and a little boat; nor could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without
these concomitants. I laugh at the simplicity with which I have several
times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking this
imaginary happiness when I was ever surprised to find the inhabitants,
particularly the women, of a quite different disposition to what I
sought. How strange did this appear to me! The country and people who
inhabit it, were never, in my idea, formed for each other.

Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave myself
up to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand
innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept like a
child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and seated on a
large stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the water.

On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days I
remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for that city,
which has followed me through all my travels, and was finally the cause
that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards wrote, for the
residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any one who has taste
and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding country, examine the
prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether nature has not designed
this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St. Preux; but do not seek them
there. I now return to my story.

Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or scruple
the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was fine, I
went to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant from Lausanne,
and generally in company with other Catholics, particularly a Parisian
embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten. Not such a Parisian as myself,
but a real native of Paris, an arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest
as a peasant. He loved his country so well, that he would not doubt my
being his countryman, for fear he should not have so much occasion to
speak of it. The lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who
was likewise from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of
his country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not really
entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an air and tone,
as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once, smiling malignantly,
asked what was remarkable in the 'Marcheneuf'? It may be supposed I
asked the question; but I have since passed twenty years at Paris, and
certainly know that city, yet was the same question repeated at this day,
I should be equally embarrassed to answer it, and from this embarrassment
it might be concluded I had never been there: thus, even when we meet
with truths, we are subject to build our opinions on circumstances, which

                                                                            107
may easily deceive us.

I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth recollecting, nor
can I say exactly how long I remained there; I only know that not finding
sufficient to subsist on, I went from thence to Neutchatel, where I
passed the winter. Here I succeeded better, I got some scholars, and
saved enough to pay my good friend Perrotet, who had faithfully sent my
baggage, though at that time I was considerably in his debt.

By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge of it.
The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable man might
have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded something more.
On Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered, sighing and
thoughtful, about the adjoining woods, and when once out of the city
never returned before night. One day, being at Boudry, I went to dine at
a public-house, where I saw a man with a long beard, dressed in a
violet-colored Grecian habit, with a fur cap, and whose air and manner
were rather noble. This person found some difficulty in making himself
understood, speaking only an unintelligible jargon, which bore more
resemblance to Italian than any other language. I understood almost all
he said, and I was the only person present who could do so, for he was
obliged to make his request known to the landlord and others about him by
signs. On my speaking a few words in Italian, which he perfectly
understood, he got up and embraced me with rapture; a connection was soon
formed, and from that moment, I became his interpreter. His dinner was
excellent, mine rather worse than indifferent, he gave me an invitation
to dine with him, which I accepted without much ceremony. Drinking and
chatting soon rendered us familiar, and by the end of the repast we had
all the disposition in the world to become inseparable companions. He
informed me he was a Greek prelate, and 'Archimandrite' of Jerusalem;
that he had undertaken to make a gathering in Europe for the
reestablishment of the Holy Sepulchre, and showed me some very fine
patents from the czarina, the emperor, and several other sovereigns.
He was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto, though he
had experienced inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not
understanding a word of German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to
have recourse to his Greek, Turkish Lingua Franca, which did not procure
him much in the country he was travelling through; his proposal,
therefore, to me was, that I should accompany him in the quality of
secretary and interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which
accorded well enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my
meagre appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not
mistaken. The bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised
liberally; thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was
about to serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next
day behold me on an expedition to Jerusalem.

We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg.
Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or solicit
help from private individuals; but we presented his commission to the
Senate, who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to Berne, where

                                                                            108
we lodged at the Falcon, then a good inn, and frequented by respectable
company; the public table being well supplied and numerously attended.
I had fared indifferently so long, that I was glad to make myself amends,
therefore took care to profit by the present occasion. My lord, the
Archimandrite, was himself an excellent companion, loved good cheer, was
gay, spoke well for those who understood him, and knew perfectly well how
to make the most of his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert while
cracking nuts, he cut his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely
showed it to the company, saying with a laugh, "Mirate, signori; questo a
sangue Pelasgo."

At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as I
had feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I
could have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the
same simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were
necessary with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his
titles was not the work of a day; at length, everything being adjusted,
he was admitted to an audience by the Senate; I entered with him as
interpreter, and was ordered to speak. I expected nothing less, for it
never entered my mind, that after such long and frequent conferences with
the members, it was necessary to address the assembly collectively, as if
nothing had been said. Judge my embarrassment!--a man so bashful to
speak, not only in public, but before the whole of the Senate of Berne!
to speak impromptu, without a single moment for recollection; it was
enough to annihilate me--I was not even intimidated. I described
distinctly and clearly the commission of the Archimandrite; extolled the
piety of those princes who had contributed, and to heighten that of their
excellencies by emulation, added that less could not be expected from
their well--known munificence; then, endeavoring to prove that this good
work was equally interesting to all Christians, without distinction of
sect; and concluded by promising the benediction of Heaven to all those
who took part in it. I will not say that my discourse was the cause of
our success, but it was certainly well received; and on our quitting the
Archimandrite was gratified by a very genteel present, to which some very
handsome compliments were added on the understanding of his secretary;
these I had the agreeable office of interpreting; but could not take
courage to render them literally.

This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before a
sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well.
What difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years ago,
having been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I received a
deputation to thank me for some books I had presented to the library of
that city; the Swiss are great speakers; these gentlemen, accordingly,
made me a long harangue, which I thought myself obliged in honor to
answer, but so embarrassed myself in the attempt, that my head became
confused, I stopped short, and was laughed at. Though naturally timid,
I have sometimes acted with confidence in my youth, but never in my
advanced age: the more I have seen of the world the less I have been able
to adapt its manners.


                                                                            109
On leaving Berne, we went to Soleurre: the Archimandrite designing to
re-enter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own country.
This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents of his purse
rather increased than diminished during his journey, he was in no haste
to return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on horseback as on
foot, I would have desired no better than to have travelled thus during
my whole life; but it was pre-ordained that my journey should soon end.

The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleurre, was to pay our
respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my bishop,
this chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been ambassador at the
Porte, and was acquainted with every particular relative to the Holy
Sepulchre. The Archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter
of an hour, to which I was not admitted, as the ambassador spoke French
and Italian at least as well as myself. On my Grecian's retiring, I was
prepared to follow him, but was detained: it was now my turn. Having
called myself a Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his
excellency: he therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the
truth; this I promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which was
immediately granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut the
door; there, throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor should I
have said less, had I promised nothing, for a continual wish to unbosom
myself, puts my heart perpetually upon my lips. After having disclosed
myself without reserve to the musician Lutold, there was no occasion to
attempt acting the mysterious with the Marquis de Bonac, who was so well
pleased with my little history, and the ingenuousness with which I had
related it, that he led me to the ambassadress, and presented me, with an
abridgment of my recital. Madam de Bonac received me kindly, saying,
I must not be suffered to follow that Greek monk. It was accordingly
resolved that I should remain at their hotel till something better could
be done for me. I wished to bid adieu to my poor Archimandrite, for whom
I had conceived an attachment, but was not permitted; they sent him word
that I was to be detained there, and in quarter of an hour after, I saw
my little bundle arrive. M. de la Martiniere, secretary of the embassy,
had in a manner the care of me; while following him to the chamber
appropriated to my use, he said, "This apartment was occupied under the
Count de Luc, by a celebrated man of the same name as yourself; it is in
your power to succeed him in every respect, and cause it to be said
hereafter, Rousseau the First, Rousseau the Second." This similarity
which I did not then expect, would have been less flattering to my wishes
could I have foreseen at what price I should one day purchase the
distinction.

What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the works
of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of the
compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for poetry)
made my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de Bonac. This
inclination was not permanent, though from time to time I have composed
tolerable verses. I think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns
of expression, and to write well in prose, but could never find
attractions enough in French poetry to give entirely in to it.

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M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write the
detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a long
letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de Marianne,
who had long been attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and has since
succeeded M. de Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of M. de
Courtellies.

The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic
projects; for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but
also felt I did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of her
husband. M. de la Martiniere was already in the only place that could
have satisfied my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy: thus my
utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under secretary, which
did not infinitely tempt me: this was the reason that when consulted on
the situation I should like to be placed in, I expressed a great desire
to go to Paris. The ambassador readily gave in to the idea, which at
least tended to disembarrass him of me. M. de Mervilleux interpreting
secretary to the embassy, said, that his friend, M. Godard, a Swiss
colonel, in the service of France, wanted a person to be with his nephew,
who had entered very young into the service, and made no doubt that I
should suit him. On this idea, so lightly formed, my departure was
determined; and I, who saw a long journey to perform with Paris at the
end of it, was enraptured with the project. They gave me several
letters, a hundred livres to defray the expenses of my journey,
accompanied with some good advice, and thus equipped I departed.

I was a fortnight making the journey, which I may reckon among the
happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with plenty of
money, and the most brilliant hopes, add to this, I was on foot, and
alone. It may appear strange, I should mention the latter circumstance
as advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to
the reader. I was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing
chimeras, and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more
magnificent ones. When offered an empty place in a carriage, or any
person accosted me on the road, how vexed was I to see that fortune
overthrown, whose edifice, while walking, I had taken such pains to rear.

For once my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a military
man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should begin with being a
cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals, with a fine white
feather nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea.
I had some smattering of geometry and fortification; my uncle was an
engineer; I was in a manner a soldier by inheritance. My short sight,
indeed, presented some little obstacle, but did not by any means
discourage me, as I reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and
intrepidity. I had read, too, that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably
shortsighted, and why might not Marshal Rousseau be the same? My
imagination was so warm by these follies, that it presented nothing but
troops, ramparts, gabions, batteries, and myself in the midst of fire and
smoke, an eyeglass in hand, commanding with the utmost tranquility.

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Notwithstanding, when the country presented a delightful prospect, when I
saw charming groves and rivulets, the pleasing sight made me sigh with
regret, and feel, in the midst of all this glory, that my heart was not
formed for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, I found my thoughts
wandering among my dear sheep-folds, renouncing forever the labor of
Mars.

How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The exterior
decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets, the symmetry
and regularity of the houses, contributed to this disappointment, since I
concluded that Paris must be infinitely superior. I had figured to
myself a splendid city, beautiful as large, of the most commanding
aspect, whose streets were ranges of magnificent palaces, composed of
marble and gold. On entering the faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but
dirty stinking streets, filthy black houses, an air of slovenliness and
poverty, beggars, carters, butchers, cries of diet-drink and old hats.
This struck me so forcibly, that all I have since seen of real
magnificence in Paris could never erase this first impression, which has
ever given me a particular disgust to residing in that capital; and I may
say, the whole time I remained there afterwards, was employed in seeking
resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it. This is
the consequence of too lively imagination, which exaggerates even beyond
the voice of fame, and ever expects more than is told. I have heard
Paris so flatteringly described, that I pictured it like the ancient
Babylon, which, perhaps, had I seen, I might have found equally faulty,
and unlike that idea the account had conveyed. The same thing happened
at the Opera-house, to which I hastened the day after my arrival! I was
sensible of the same deficiency at Versailles! and some time after on
viewing the sea. I am convinced this would ever be the consequence of a
too flattering description of any object; for it is impossible for man,
and difficult even for nature herself, to surpass the riches of my
imagination.

By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were
addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who
received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the
warmest recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived
philosophically at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times without
his offering me even a glass of water. I was better received by Madam de
Merveilleux, sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by his nephew, who was
an officer in the guards. The mother and son not only received me
kindly, but offered me the use of their table, which favor I frequently
accepted during my stay at Paris.

Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of a
fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the
temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of features)
the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with mine, and
did all she could to render me service; but no one seconded her
endeavors, and I was presently undeceived in the great interest they had
seemed to take in my affairs. I must, however, do the French nation the

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justice to say, they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations,
as some have represented, and that those they make are usually sincere;
but they have a manner of appearing interested in your affairs, which is
more deceiving than words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only
impose upon fools; the manners of the French are more seducing, and at
the same time so simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all
they mean to do for you, in order that you may be the more agreeably
surprised. I will say more; they are not false in their protestations,
being naturally zealous to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even (whatever
may be said to the contrary) more sincere than any other nation; but they
are too flighty: in effect they feel the sentiments they profess for you,
but that sentiment flies off as instantaneously as it was formed. In
speaking to you, their whole attention is employed on you alone, when
absent you are forgotten. Nothing is permanent in their hearts, all is
the work of the moment.

Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel
Godard for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious old
wretch, who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich), wished
to have my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his nephew,
rather as a valet without wages than a tutor. He represented that as I
was to be continually engaged with him, I should be excused from duty,
and might live on my cadet's allowance; that is to say, on the pay of a
soldier: hardly would he consent to give me a uniform, thinking the
clothing of the army might serve. Madam de Merveilleux, provoked at his
proposals, persuaded me not to accept them; her son was of the same
opinion; something else was to be thought on, but no situation was
procured. Meantime, I began to be necessitated; for the hundred livres
with which I had commenced my journey could not last much longer;
happily, I received a small remittance from the ambassador, which was
very serviceable, nor do I think he would have abandoned me had I
possessed more patience; but languishing, waiting, soliciting, are to me
impossible: I was disheartened, displeased, and thus all my brilliant
expectations came once more to nothing. I had not all this time
forgotten my dear Madam de Warrens, but how was I to find her? Where
should I seek her? Madam de Merveilleux, who knew my story, assisted me
in the search, but for a long time unavailingly; at length, she informed
me that Madam de Warrens had set out from Paris about two months before,
but it was not known whether for Savoy or Turin, and that some
conjectured she was gone to Switzerland. Nothing further was necessary
to fix my determination to follow her, certain that wherever she might
be, I stood more chance of finding her at those places than I could
possibly do at Paris.

Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to
Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities. I showed
this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who, instead of discouraging me,
as she ought to have done, laughed heartily at my sarcasms, as well as
her son, who, I believe, did not like M. Godard; indeed, it must be
confessed, he was a man not calculated to obtain affection. I was
tempted to send him my verses, and they encouraged me in it; accordingly

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I made them up in a parcel directed to him, and there being no post then
at Paris by which I could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket,
and sent it to him from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I
laugh, even yet, sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading
this panegyric, where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus:

      Tu croyois, vieux Penard, qu' une folle manie
      D' elever ton neveu m'inspireroit l'envie.

This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written; did
not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is,
notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen.
I have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent;
but I believe it may be judged from those controversies, in which from
time to time I have been engaged in my own defence, that had I been of a
vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely have had the laughter
on their side.

What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels, being
conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory;
for never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly, never was
so much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those journeys made
on foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can hardly think
when in a state of inactivity; my body must be exercised to make my
judgmemt active. The view of a fine country, a succession of agreeable
prospects, a free air, a good appetite, and the health I gained by
walking; the freedom of inns, and the distance from everything that can
make me recollect the dependence of my situation, conspire to free my
soul, and give boldness to my thoughts, throwing me, in a manner, into
the immensity of beings, where I combine, choose and appropriate them to
my fancy, without constraint or fear. I dispose of all nature as I
please; my heart wandering from object to object, approximates and unites
with those that please it, is surrounded by charming images, and becomes
intoxicated with delicious sensations. If, attempting to render these
permanent, I am amused in describing to myself, what glow of coloring,
what energy of expression, do I give them!--It has been said, that all
these are to be found in my works, though written in the decline of life.
Oh! had those of my early youth been seen, those made during my travels,
composed, but never written!--Why did I not write them? will be asked;
and why should I have written them? I may answer. Why deprive myself of
the actual charm of my enjoyments to inform others what I enjoyed? What
to me were readers, the public, or all the world, while I was mounting
the empyrean. Besides, did I carry pens, paper and ink with me? Had I
recollected all these, not a thought would have occurred worth
preserving. I do not foresee when I shall have ideas; they come when
they please, and not when I call for them; either they avoid me
altogether, or rushing in crowds, overwhelm me with their force and
number. Ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to enumerate my
thoughts; how then should I find time to write them? In stopping, I
thought of nothing but a hearty dinner; on departing, of nothing but a
charming walk; I felt that a new paradise awaited me at the door, and

                                                                            114
eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it.

Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I am now
describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to ideas which
related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had rushed into
the career I was about to run, and should have completed it with
tolerable eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some real
beings obscured my imagined ones--Colonel Godard and his nephew could not
keep pace with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was soon
delivered from all these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure into the
wilderness of chimeras, for that alone remained before me, and I wandered
in it so completely that I several times lost my way; but this was no
misfortune, I would not have shortened it, for, feeling with regret, as I
approached Lyons, that I must again return to the material world, I
should have been glad never to have arrived there.

One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a
nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed with it,
and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely lost myself,
and after several hours' useless walking, weary, fainting with hunger and
thirst, I entered a peasant's hut, which had not indeed a very promising
appearance, but was the only one I could discover near me. I thought it
was here, as at Geneva, or in Switzerland, where the inhabitants, living
at ease, have it in their power to exercise hospitality. I entreated the
countryman to give me some dinner, offering to pay for it: on which he
presented me with some skimmed milk and coarse barley--bread, saying it
was all he had. I drank the milk with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff
and all; but it was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue.
The countryman, who watched me narrowly, judged the truth of my story by
my appetite, and presently (after having said that he plainly saw I was
an honest, good--natured young man, and did not come to betray him)
opened a little trap door by the side of his kitchen, went down, and
returned a moment after with a good brown loaf of pure wheat, the remains
of a well-flavored ham, and a bottle of wine, the sight of which rejoiced
my heart more than all the rest: he then prepared a good thick omelet,
and I made such a dinner as none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed.

When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he not
only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident emotion;
and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine the motive of
his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words,
"Commissioners," and "Cellar-rats," which he explained by giving me to
understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise, and his
bread on account of the tax imposed on it; adding, he should be an undone
man, if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want. What he
said to me on this subject (of which I had not the smallest idea) made an
impression on my mind that can never be effaced, sowing seeds of that
inextinguishable hatred which has since grow up in my heart against the
vexations these unhappy people suffer, and against their oppressors.
This man, though in easy circumstances, dare not eat the bread gained by
the sweat of his brow, and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an

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outward appearance of misery!--I left his cottage with as much
indignation as concern, deploring the fate of those beautiful countries,
where nature has been prodigal of her gifts, only that they may become
the prey of barbarous exactors.

The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a distinct
remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that on
approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks of
the Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father, Astrea was
not forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any other.
Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting with my hostess), I
inquired the way to Forez, and was informed that country was an excellent
place for mechanics, as there were many forges, and much iron work done
there. This eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity, for I felt
no inclination to seek Dianas and Sylvanders among a generation of
blacksmiths. The good woman who encouraged me with this piece of
information certainly thought I was a journeyman locksmith.

I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the
Chasattes, to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de Warrens,
for whom I had brought a letter when I came there with M. le Maitre,
so that it was an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle du Chatelet
informed me her friend had passed through Lyons, but could not tell
whether she had gone on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her departure
whether it would not be necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I choose,
she would immediately write for information, and thought my best plan
would be to remain at Lyons till she received it. I accepted this offer;
but did not tell Mademoiselle du Chatelet how much I was pressed for an
answer, and that my exhausted purse would not permit me to wait long.
It was not an appearance of coolness that withheld me, on the contrary,
I was very kindly received, treated on the footing of equality, and this
took from me the resolution of explaining my circumstances, for I could
not bear to descend from a companion to a miserable beggar.

I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my
life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the same
period, another journey to Lyons, (the particulars of which I cannot
recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused
remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not contribute
to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many others, had I
possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every ale-house
I came to, I might have fared better; but in that my incapacity equalled
my repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of both, it will be
sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost my whole life in
indifferent circumstances, and frequently have been near wanting bread,
I was never once asked for money by a creditor without having it in my
power to pay it instantly; I could never bear to contract clamorous
debts, and have ever preferred suffering to owing.

Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be called
suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having preferred

                                                                            116
buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to bestowing them on a
lodging; as I was convinced there was less danger of dying for want of
sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing, while in this unhappy
situation, I took no care for the future, was neither uneasy nor
melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to Mademoiselle du Chatelet's
letter, and lying in the open air, stretched on the earth, or on a bench,
slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses. I remember,
particularly, to have passed a most delightful night at some distance
from the city, in a road which had the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot
recollect which, on the one side, and a range of raised gardens, with
terraces, on the other. It had been a very hot day, the evening was
delightful, the dew moistened the fading grass, no wind was stirring,
the air was fresh without chillness, the setting sun had tinged the
clouds with a beautiful crimson, which was again reflected by the water,
and the trees that bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who
were continually answering each other's songs. I walked along in a kind
of ecstasy, giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so many
delights, and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them alone.
Absorbed in this pleasing reverie, I lengthened my walk till it grew very
late, without perceiving I was tired; at length, however, I discovered
it, and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche, or false door,
in the terrace wall. How charming was the couch! the trees formed a
stately canopy, a nightingale sat directly over me, and with his soft
notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing my repose; my awaking more so.
It was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw the water, the verdure, and
the admirable landscape before me. I arose, shook off the remains of
drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the way to the city,
resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two pieces of six
francs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I found myself so
cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even remember I sang a
cantata of Batistin's called the Baths of Thomery, which I knew by heart.
May a blessing light on the good Batistin and his good cantata, which
procured me a better breakfast than I had expected, and a still better
dinner which I did not expect at all! In the midst of my singing,
I heard some one behind me, and turning round perceived an Antonine,
who followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song.
At length accosting me, he asked, If I understood music. I answered,
"A little," but in a manner to have it understood I knew a great deal,
and as he continued questioning of me, related a part of my story.
He asked me, If I had ever copied music? I replied, "Often," which was
true: I had learned most by copying. "Well," continued he, "come with
me, I can employ you for a few days, during which time you shall want for
nothing; provided you consent not to quit my room." I acquiesced very
willingly, and followed him.

This Antonine was called M. Rotichon; he loved music, understood it, and
sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was innocent
and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part of which he
was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber, where I found a
great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy, particularly the
cantata he had heard me singing, and which he was shortly to sing

                                                                            117
himself.

I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not eat,
for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M. Rolichon brought
my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it appeared that these good
priests lived well, at least if every one fared as I did. In my life, I
never took such pleasure in eating, and it must be owned this good cheer
came very opportunely, for I was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily
as I ate, which is saying a great deal; 'tis true I was not as correct as
diligent, for some days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he
informed me there were so many omissions, repetitions, and
transpositions, in the parts I had copied, that they could not be
performed. It must be owned, that in choosing the profession of music,
I hit on that I was least calculated for; yet my voice was good and I
copied neatly; but the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much, that
I spend more time in altering and scratching out than in pricking down,
and if I do not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several
parts, they are sure to fail in the execution. Thus, through endeavoring
to do well, my performance was very faulty; for aiming at expedition,
I did all amiss. This did not prevent M. Rolichon from treating me well
to the last, and giving me half-a-crown at my departure, which I
certainly did not deserve, and which completely set me up, for a few days
after I received news from Madam de Warrens, who was at Chambery, with
money to defray the expenses of my journey to her, which I performed with
rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been very low, but never
at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I mark this period with a
heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence, as the last of my life in
which I sustained poverty and hunger.

I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little
commissions with which Madam de Warrens had charged Mademoiselle du
Chatelet, who during this interval I visited more assiduously than
before, having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and being
no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or painful
endeavors to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was neither young nor
handsome, but did not want for elegance; she was easy and obliging while
her understanding gave price to her familiarity. She had a taste for
that kind of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind,
and from her originated that study in myself. She was fond of the works
of Le Sage, particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to
my perusal. I read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was
not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances
which abounded with high-flown sentiments.

Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet, with as
much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting and sensible
conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the
understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books.
I got acquainted at the Chasattes with some other boarders and their
friends, and among the rest, with a young person of fourteen, called
Mademoiselle Serre, whom I did not much notice at that time, though I was

                                                                            118
in love with her eight or nine years afterwards, and with great reason,
for she was a most charming girl.

I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warrens, and this
gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real objects
I was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not only found
her, but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable situation, having
sent me word that she had procured one that would suit me, and by which I
should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted all my conjectures in
guessing what this occupation could be, but I must have possessed the art
of divination to have hit it on the right. I had money sufficient to
make my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du Chatelet persuaded me to hire
a horse, but this I could not consent to, and I was certainly right,
for by so doing I should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian
expedition I ever made; for I cannot give that name to those excursions I
have frequently taken about my own neighborhood, while I lived at
Motiers.

It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my
situation is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything smiles around
me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to realities,
cannot embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me as they really
are, my imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If I would paint the
spring, it must be in winter; if describe a beautiful landscape, it must
be while surrounded with walls; and I have said a hundred times, that
were I confined in the Bastile, I could draw the most enchanting picture
of liberty. On my departure from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable
future, the content I now with reason enjoyed was as great as my
discontent had been at leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during
this journey any of those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind
was serene, and that was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was
going to see, my heart overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance,
but without intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always
expected this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime,
I was anxious about the employment Madam de Warrens had procured me,
as if that alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable,
not ravishing and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural
form; I observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the
houses, the springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of
losing myself, yet did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the
empyrean, but precisely where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps at
the end of my journey, never farther.

I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to arrive
at the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my dear Madam
de Warrens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to walk at my
ease, and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to me:
travelling on foot, in a fine country, with fine weather and having an
agreeable object to terminate my journey, is the manner of living of all
others most suited to my taste.


                                                                            119
It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can a flat
one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must have
torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or descend, and
rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me. I experienced
this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached Chambery, not far from
a mountain which is called Pas de l'Echelle. Above the main road, which
is hewn through the rock, a small river runs and rushes into fearful
chasms, which it appears to have been millions of ages in forming. The
road has been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents, which enabled me
to contemplate the whole descent, and gain vertigoes at pleasure; for a
great part of my amusement in these steep rocks, is, they cause a
giddiness and swimming in my head, which I am particularly fond of,
provided I am in safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, I remained
whole hours, catching, from time to time, a glance of the froth and blue
water, whose rushing caught my ear, mingled with the cries of ravens, and
other birds of prep that flew from rock to rock, and bush to bush, at six
hundred feet below me. In places where the slope was tolerably regular,
and clear enough from bushes to let stones roll freely, I went a
considerable way to gather them, bringing those I could but just carry,
which I piled on the parapet, and then threw down one after the other,
being transported at seeing them roll, rebound, and fly into a thousand
pieces, before they reached the bottom of the precipice.

Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a
different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming
cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top
of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its
base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any
inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived
as I was, for the water, falling from such an immense height, separates,
and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and on approaching too near this
cloud, without perceiving it, you may be wet through in an instant.

At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens; she was not alone, the
intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she
caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which
charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned;
deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no
concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing herself
to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant,
who furnishes you with the means of existence." I stared without
answering, without knowing what to think of all this; rising ambition
almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act the intendant
myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I had imagined, but
it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was situated, was a capital
acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of my employment.

King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the
situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not
long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving,
therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole

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country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive.
This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son:
two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians,
and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this
work: among those of the latter description Madam de Warrens had got me
appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means
of living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment
could not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure
something better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular
protection of the intendant, who might find me some more settled
occupation before this was concluded.

I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there
was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after
four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my
departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread with
credit.

These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I
am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was long
a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the public
a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to know me
in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth. As,
in general, objects that are present make less impression on me than the
bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all from recollection), the
first traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained:
those which have since been imprinted there, have rather combined with
the former than effaced them. There is a certain, yet varied succession
of affections and ideas, which continue to regulate those that follow
them, and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of
those they have influenced. I have studied to develop the first causes,
the better to show the concatenation of effects. I would be able by some
means to render my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for
this purpose endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give
him every insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should
escape him, as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles
that produce them.

Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my
character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him,
I at least deceived myself; but in, recounting simply all that has
happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead him
into an error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could not
easily effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and
judge of the being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and if
he is then deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient for
this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must also
be minute; it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I ought
to declare them simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is to be
formed of them to him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with
the most scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the

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continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of
youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest
with the same precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and
impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one
thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much,
or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or
concealing truths.




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK V.


It was, I believe, in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already
related, and began my employment of registering land for the king. I was
almost twenty-one, my mind well enough formed for my age, with respect to
sense, but very deficient in point of judgment, and needing every
instruction from those into whose hands I fell, to make me conduct myself
with propriety; for a few years' experience had not been able to cure me
radically of my romantic ideas; and notwithstanding the ills I had
sustained, I knew as little of the world, or mankind, as if I had never
purchased instruction. I slept at home, that is, at the house of Madam
de Warrens; but it was not as at Annecy: here were no gardens, no brook,
no landscape; the house was dark and dismal, and my apartment the most
gloomy of the whole. The prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of a
street, confined air, bad light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a
rotten floor; an assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a
very agreeable habitation; but I was in the same house with my best
friend, incessantly near her, at my desk, or in chamber, so that I could
not perceive the gloominess of my own, or have time to think of it.
It may appear whimsical that she should reside at Chambery on purpose to
live in this disagreeable house; but it was a trait of contrivance which
I ought not to pass over in silence. She had no great inclination for a
journey to Turin, fearing that after the recent revolutions, and the
agitation in which the court yet was, she should not be very favorably
received there; but her affairs seemed to demand her presence, as she
feared being forgotten or ill-treated, particularly as the Count de
Saint-Laurent, Intendent-general of the Finances, was not in her
interest. He had an old house in Chambery, ill-built, and standing in so
disagreeable a situation that it was always untenanted; she hired, and

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settled in this house, a plan that succeeded much better than a journey
to Turin would have done, for her pension was not suppressed, and the
Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her best friends.

Her household was much on the old footing; her faithful Claude Anet still
remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a peasant of
Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for the purpose
of making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service for his knowledge
of drugs, finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her domestics.
Passionately fond of the study of plants, he became a real botanist, and
had he not died young, might have acquired as much fame in that science
as he deserved for being an honest man. Serious even to gravity, and
older than myself, he was to me a kind of tutor, commanding respect, and
preserving me from a number of follies, for I dared not forget myself
before him. He commanded it likewise from his mistress, who knew his
understanding, uprightness, and inviolable attachment to herself, and
returned it. Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never encountered
a similar disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and circumspect in his
conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious in his discourse;
yet of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though careful to conceal)
preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only folly he ever
committed; that folly, indeed was terrible, it was poisoning himself.
This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and opened my eyes to the
intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and his mistress, for had not
the information come from her, I should never have suspected it; yet,
surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal, could merit such a recompense,
it was due to him, and what further proves him worthy such a distinction,
he never once abused her confidence. They seldom disputed, and their
disagreements ever ended amicably; one, indeed, was not so fortunate;
his mistress, in a passion, said something affronting, which not being
able to digest, he consulted only with despair, and finding a bottle of
laudanum at hand, drank it off; then went peaceably to bed, expecting to
awake no more. Madam de Warrens herself was uneasy, agitated, wandering
about the house and happily--finding the phial empty--guessed the rest.
Her screams, while flying to his assistance, alarmed me; she confessed
all, implored my help, and was fortunate enough, after repeated efforts,
to make him throw up the laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not
but wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection; but
Claude Anet was so discreet, that a more penetrating observer might have
been deceived. Their reconciliation affected me, and added respect to
the esteem I before felt for him. From this time I became, in some
measure, his pupil, nor did I find myself the worse for his instruction.

I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater intimacy with
another than with myself: it was a situation I had not even thought of,
but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see another in possession of
it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had
this advantage over me, I found the attachment I felt for her actually
extend to him. I desired her happiness above all things, and since he
was concerned in her plan of felicity, I was content he should be happy
likewise. Meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress;

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conceived a sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the
authority his situation might have entitled him to, he naturally
possessed that which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared
do nothing he disproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what
merited disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us
mutually happy, and which death alone could dissolve.

One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character, is, that
all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and rivalship
submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them,
and I never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill
will among themselves. Let the reader pause a moment on this encomium,
and if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it, let him attach
himself to her, if he would obtain happiness.

From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741, included an
interval of eight or nine years, during which time I have few adventures
to relate; my life being as simple as it was agreeable. This uniformity
was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my
character, which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any
degree of stability. It was during this pleasing interval, that my
unconnected, unfinished education, gained consistence, and made me what I
have unalterably remained amid the storms with which I have since been
surrounded.

The progress was slow, almost imperceptible, and attended by few
memorable circumstances; yet it deserves to be followed and investigated.

At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint of a
desk left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small portion of
time I was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de Warrens, and not
having leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it; but when my
business (by daily repetition) became familiar, and my mind was less
occupied, study again became necessary, and (as my desires were ever
irritated by any difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them) might
once more have become a passion, as at my master's, had not other
inclinations interposed and diverted it.

Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in arithmetic,
it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this difficulty,
I purchased books which treated on that science, and learned well, for I
now studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends further than is usually
supposed if you would attain exact precision. There are operations of
extreme length in which I have sometimes seen good geometricians lose
themselves. Reflection, assisted by practice, gives clear ideas, and
enables you to devise shorter methods, these inventions flatter our
self-complacency, while their exactitude satisfies our understanding, and
renders a study pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy and unentertaining.
At length I became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that
was solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even now, while everything
I formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this acquirement, in a great

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measure remains, through an interval of thirty years. A few days ago,
in a journey I made to Davenport, being with my host at an arithmetical
lesson given his children, I did (with pleasure, and without errors) a
most complicated work. While setting down my figures, methought I was
still at Chambery, still in my days of happiness--how far had I to look
back for them!

The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing:
accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting flowers and
landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents for this art,
for my inclination was much disposed to it, and while surrounded with
crayons, pencils, and colors, I could have passed whole months without
wishing to leave them. This amusement engaged me so much that they were
obliged to force me from it; and thus it is with every inclination I give
into, it continues to augment, till at length it becomes so powerful,
that I lose sight of everything except the favorite amusement. Years
have not been able to cure me of that fault, nay, have not even
diminished it; for while I am writing this, behold me, like an old
dotard, infatuated with another, to me useless study, which I do not
understand, and which even those who have devoted their youthful days to
the acquisition of, are constrained to abandon, at the age I am beginning
with it.

At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well placed,
the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to profit by it; for
the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when he came home loaded with
new discovered plants, set me two or three times on the point of going to
herbalize with him, and I am almost certain that had I gone once,
I should have been caught, and perhaps at this day might have been an
excellent botanist, for I know no study more congenial to my natural
inclination, than that of plants; the life I have led for these ten years
past, in the country, being little more than a continual herbalizing,
though I must confess, without object, and without improvement; but at
the time I am now speaking of I had no inclination for botany, nay,
I even despised, and was disgusted at the idea, considering it only as a
fit study for an apothecary. Madam de Warrens was fond of it merely for
this purpose, seeking none but common plants to use in her medical
preparations; thus botany, chemistry, and anatomy were confounded in my
idea under the general denomination of medicine, and served to furnish me
with pleasant sarcasms the whole day, which procured me, from time to
time, a box on the ear, applied by Madam de Warrens. Besides this, a
very contrary taste grew up with me, and by degrees absorbed all others;
this was music. I was certainly born for that science, I loved it from
my infancy, and it was the only inclination I have constantly adhered to;
but it is astonishing that what nature seemed to have designed me for
should have cost so much pains to learn, and that I should acquire it so
slowly, that after a whole life spent in the practice of this art,
I could never attain to sing with any certainty at sight. What rendered
the study of music more agreeable to me at that time, was, being able to
practise it with Madam de Warrens. In other respects our tastes were
widely different: this was a point of coincidence, which I loved to avail

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myself of. She had no more objection to this than myself. I knew at
that time almost as much of it as she did, and after two or three
efforts, we could make shift to decipher an air. Sometimes, when I saw
her busy at her furnace, I have said, "Here now is a charming duet, which
seems made for the very purpose of spoiling your drugs;" her answer would
be, "If you make me burn them, I'll make you eat them:" thus disputing, I
drew her to the harpsichord; the furnace was presently forgotten, the
extract of juniper or wormwood calcined (which I cannot recollect without
transport), and these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face with
the remains of them.

It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill up
my leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well worth
all the rest.

We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes to
breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warrens to hire a
garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the convenience of
rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a summer--house, which was
furnished in the customary manner; we sometimes dined, and I frequently
slept, there. Insensibly I became attached to this little retreat,
decorated it with books and prints, spending part of my time in
ornamenting it during the absence of Madam de Warrens, that I might
surprise her the more agreeably on her return. Sometimes I quitted this
dear friend, that I might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on
her; this was a caprice I can neither excuse nor fully explain, I only
know this really was the case, and therefore I avow it. I remember Madam
de Luxembourg told me one day in raillery, of a man who used to leave his
mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her; I
answered, I could have been this man; I might have added, That I had done
the very same.

I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warrens that I
might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free with
her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other person,
man or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was so often
surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that spite and
weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge the idea,
without danger of being interrupted by impertinence. Thus, my time being
divided between business, pleasure, and instruction, my life passed in
the most absolute serenity. Europe was not equally tranquil: France and
the emperor had mutually declared war, the King of Sardinia had entered
into the quarrel, and a French army had filed off into Piedmont to awe
the Milanese. Our division passed through Chambery, and, among others,
the regiment of Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille,
to whom I was presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never
more thought of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the
suburb by which the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my
curiosity in seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success of
the war as if it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never troubled
myself about politics, for the first time I began reading the gazettes,

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but with so much partiality on the side of France, that my heart beat
with rapture on its most trifling advantages, and I was as much afflicted
on a reverse of fortune, as if I had been particularly concerned.

Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned it,
but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause) that
when I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at Paris, in
spite of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation I declared
servile, and for that government I affected to oppose. The pleasantest
of all was that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my professed
maxims, I dared not own it to any one, but rallied the French on their
defeats, while my heart was more wounded than their own. I am certainly
the first man, that, living with a people who treated him well, and whom
he almost adored, put on, even in their own country, a borrowed air of
despising them; yet my original inclination is so powerful, constant,
disinterested, and invincible, that even since my quitting that kingdom,
since its government, magistrates, and authors, have outvied each other
in rancor against me, since it has become fashionable to load me with
injustice and abuse, I have not been able to get rid of this folly, but
notwithstanding their ill-treatment, love them in spite of myself.

I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to find
any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste for
literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and their
country: at the very moment the French troops were passing Chambery, I
was reading Brantome's 'Celebrated Captains'; my head was full of the
Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs Colignys, Monlmoreneys, and Trimouille, and I
loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage. In each
regiment that passed by methought I saw those famous black bands who had
formerly done so many noble exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I applied to
these all the ideas I had gathered from books; my reading continued,
which, still drawn from the same nation, nourished my affection for that
country, till, at length, it became a blind passion, which nothing could
overcome. I have had occasion to remark several times in the course of
my travels, that this impression was not peculiar to me for France, but
was more or less active in every country, for that part of the nation who
were fond of literature, and cultivated learning; and it was this
consideration that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the
conceited air of the French is so apt to inspire. Their romances, more
than their men, attract the women of all countries, and the celebrated
dramatic pieces of France create a fondness in youth for their theaters;
the reputation which that of Paris in particular has acquired, draws to
it crowds of strangers, who return enthusiasts to their own country: in
short, the excellence of their literature captivates the senses, and in
the unfortunate war just ended, I have seen their authors and
philosophers maintain the glory of France, so tarnished by its warriors.

I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a politician, and
I attended in the public square, amid a throng of news-mongers, the
arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in the fable, was very
uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have the honor to carry,

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for it was then supposed we should belong to France, and that Savoy would
be exchanged for Milan. I must confess, however, that I experienced some
uneasiness, for had this war terminated unfortunately for the allies, the
pension of Madam de Warrens would have been in a dangerous situation;
nevertheless, I had great confidence in my good friends, the French, and
for once (in spite of the surprise of M. de Broglio) my confidence was
not ill-founded--thanks to the King of Sardinia, whom I had never thought
of.

While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the operas
of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise the credit of
his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were within the compass
of very few understandings. By chance I heard of his 'Treatise on
Harmony', and had no rest till I purchased it. By another chance I fell
sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and violent, but my
convalescence was tedious, for I was unable to go abroad for a whole
month. During this time I eagerly ran over my Treatise on Harmony, but
it was so long, so diffuse, and so badly disposed, that I found it would
require a considerable time to unravel it: accordingly I suspended my
inclination, and recreated my sight with music.

The cantatas of Bernier were what I principally exercised myself with.
These were never out of my mind; I learned four or five by heart, and
among the rest, 'The Sleeping Cupids', which I have never seen since that
time, though I still retain it almost entirely; as well as 'Cupid Stung
by a Bee', a very pretty cantata by Clerambault, which I learned about
the same time.

To complete me, there arrived a young organist from Valdoste, called the
Abbe Palais, a good musician and an agreeable companion, who performed
very well on the harpsichord; I got acquainted with him, and we soon
became inseparable. He had been brought up by an Italian monk, who was a
capital organist. He explained to me his principles of music, which I
compared with Rameau; my head was filled with accompaniments, concords
and harmony, but as it was necessary to accustom the ear to all this, I
proposed to Madam de Warrens having a little concert once a month, to
which she consented.

Behold me then so full of this concert, that night or day I could think
of nothing else, and it actually employed a great part of my time to
select the music, assemble the musicians, look to the instruments, and
write out the several parts. Madam de Warrens sang; Father Cato (whom I
have before mentioned, and shall have occasion to speak of again) sang
likewise; a dancing--master named Roche, and his son, played on the
violin; Canavas, a Piedmontese musician (who was employed like myself in
the survey, and has since married at Paris), played on the violoncello;
the Abbe Palais performed on the harpsichord, and I had the honor to
conduct the whole. It may be supposed all this was charming; I cannot
say it equalled my concert at Monsieur de Tretoren's, but certainly it
was not far behind it.


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This little concert, given by Madam de Warrens, the new convert, who
lived (it was expressed) on the king's charity, made the whole tribe of
devotees murmur, but was a very agreeable amusement to several worthy
people, at the head of whom it would not be easily surmised that I should
place a monk; yet, though a monk, a man of considerable merit, and even
of a very amiable disposition, whose subsequent misfortunes gave me the
most lively concern, and whose idea, attached to that of my happy days,
is yet dear to my memory. I speak of Father Cato, a Cordelier, who, in
conjunction with the Count d'Ortan, had caused the music of poor Le
Maitre to be seized at Lyons; which action was far from being the
brightest trait in his history. He was a Bachelor of Sorbonne, had lived
long in Paris among the great world, and was particularly caressed by the
Marquis d'Antremont, then Ambassador from Sardinia. He was tall and well
made; full faced, with very fine eyes, and black hair, which formed
natural curls on each side of his forehead. His manner was at once
noble, open, and modest; he presented himself with ease and good manners,
having neither the hypocritical nor impudent behavior of a monk, or the
forward assurance of a fashionable coxcomb, but the manners of a
well-bred man, who, without blushing for his habit, set a value on
himself, and ever felt in his proper situation when in good company.
Though Father Cato was not deeply studied for a doctor, he was much so
for a man of the world, and not being compelled to show his talents, he
brought them forward so advantageously that they appeared greater than
they really were. Having lived much in the world, he had rather
attached himself to agreeable acquirements than to solid learning; had
sense, made verses, spoke well, sang better, and aided his good voice by
playing on the organ and harpsichord. So many pleasing qualities were
not necessary to make his company sought after, and, accordingly, it was
very much so, but this did not make him neglect the duties of his
function: he was chosen (in spite of his jealous competitors) Definitor
of his Province, or, according to them, one of the greatest pillars of
their order.

Father Cato became acquainted with Madam de Warrens at the Marquis of
Antremont's; he had heard of her concerts, wished to assist at them, and
by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable. We were soon
attached to each other by our mutual taste for music, which in both was a
most lively passion, with this difference, that he was really a musician,
and myself a bungler. Sometimes assisted by Canavas and the Abbe Palais,
we had music in his apartment; or on holidays at his organ, and
frequently dined with him; for, what was very astonishing in a monk,
he was generous, profuse, and loved good cheer, without the least
tincture of greediness. After our concerts, he always used to stay to
supper, and these evenings passed with the greatest gayety and
good-humor; we conversed with the utmost freedom, and sang duets; I was
perfectly at my ease, had sallies of wit and merriment; Father Cato was
charming, Madam de Warrens adorable, and the Abbe Palais, with his rough
voice, was the butt of the company. Pleasing moments of sportive youth,
how long since have ye fled!

As I shall have no more occasion to speak of poor Father Cato, I will

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here conclude in a few words his melancholy history. His brother monks,
jealous, or rather exasperated to discover in him a merit and elegance of
manners which favored nothing of monastic stupidity, conceived the most
violent hatred to him, because he was not as despicable as themselves;
the chiefs, therefore, combined against this worthy man, and set on the
envious rabble of monks, who otherwise would not have dared to hazard the
attack. He received a thousand indignities; they degraded him from his
office, took away the apartment which he had furnished with elegant
simplicity, and, at length, banished him, I know not whither: in short,
these wretches overwhelmed him with so many evils, that his honest and
proud soul sank under the pressure, and, after having been the delight of
the most amiable societies, he died of grief, on a wretched bed, hid in
some cell or dungeon, lamented by all worthy people of his acquaintance,
who could find no fault in him, except his being a monk.

Accustomed to this manner of life for some time, I became so entirely
attached to music that I could think of nothing else. I went to my
business with disgust, the necessary confinement and assiduity appeared
an insupportable punishment, which I at length wished to relinquish, that
I might give myself up without reserve to my favorite amusement. It will
be readily believed that this folly met with some opposition; to give up
a creditable employment and fixed salary to run after uncertain scholars
was too giddy a plan to be approved of by Madam de Warrens, and even
supposing my future success should prove as great as I flattered myself,
it was fixing very humble limits to my ambition to think of reducing
myself for life to the condition of a music-master. She, who formed for
me the brightest projects, and no longer trusted implicitly to the
judgment of M. d'Aubonne, seeing with concern that I was so seriously
occupied with a talent which she thought frivolous, frequently repeated
to me that provincial proverb, which does not hold quite so good in
Paris,

        "Qui biens chante et biens dance,
         fait un metier qui peu avance."

      [He who can sweetly sing and featly dance.
      His interests right little shall advance.]

On the other hand, she saw me hurried away by this irresistible passion,
my taste for music having become a furor, and it was much to be feared
that my employment, suffering by my distraction, might draw on me a
discharge, which would be worse than a voluntary resignation.
I represented to her; that this employment could not last long, that it
was necessary I should have some permanent means of subsistence, and that
it would be much better to complete by practice the acquisition of that
art to which my inclination led me than to make fresh essays, which
possibly might not succeed, since by this means, having passed the age
most proper for improvement, I might be left without a single resource
for gaining a livelihood: in short, I extorted her consent more by
importunity and caresses than by any satisfactory reasons. Proud of my
success, I immediately ran to thank M. Coccelli, Director-General of the

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Survey, as though I had performed the most heroic action, and quitted my
employment without cause, reason, or pretext, with as much pleasure as I
had accepted it two years before.

This step, ridiculous as it may appear, procured me a kind of
consideration, which I found extremely useful. Some supposed I had
resources which I did not possess; others, seeing me totally given up to
music, judged of my abilities by the sacrifice I had made, and concluded
that with such a passion for the art, I must possess it in a superior
degree. In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings. I
passed here for an excellent master, because all the rest were very bad
ones. Possessing taste in singing, and being favored by my age and
figure, I soon procured more scholars than were sufficient to compensate
for the losses of my secretary's pay. It is certain, that had it been
reasonable to consider the pleasure of my situation only, it was
impossible to pass more speedily from one extreme to the other. At our
measuring, I was confined eight hours in the day to the most
unentertaining employment, with yet more disagreeable company. Shut up
in a melancholy counting-house, empoisoned by the smell and respiration
of a number of clowns, the major part of whom were ill-combed and very
dirty, what with attention, bad air, constraint and weariness, I was
sometimes so far overcome as to occasion a vertigo. Instead of this,
behold me admitted into the fashionable world, sought after in the first
houses, and everywhere received with an air of satisfaction; amiable and
gay young ladies awaiting my arrival, and welcoming me with pleasure;
I see nothing but charming objects, smell nothing but roses and orange
flowers; singing, chatting, laughter, and amusements, perpetually succeed
each other. It must be allowed, that reckoning all these advantages, no
hesitation was necessary in the choice; in fact, I was so content with
mine, that I never once repented it; nor do I even now, when, free from
the irrational motives that influenced me at that time, I weigh in the
scale of reason every action of my life.

This is, perhaps, the only time that, listening to inclination, I was not
deceived in my expectations. The easy access, obliging temper, and free
humor of this country, rendered a commerce with the world agreeable,
and the inclination I then felt for it, proves to me, that if I have a
dislike for society, it is more their fault than mine. It is a pity the
Savoyards are not rich: though, perhaps, it would be a still greater pity
if they were so, for altogether they are the best, the most sociable
people that I know, and if there is a little city in the world where the
pleasures of life are experienced in an agreeable and friendly commerce,
it is at Chambery. The gentry of the province who assemble there have
only sufficient wealth to live and not enough to spoil them; they cannot
give way to ambition, but follow, through necessity, the counsel of
Cyneas, devoting their youth to a military employment, and returning home
to grow old in peace; an arrangement over which honor and reason equally
preside. The women are handsome, yet do not stand in need of beauty,
since they possess all those qualifications which enhance its value and
even supply the want of it. It is remarkable, that being obliged by my
profession to see a number of young girls, I do not recollect one at

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Chambery but what was charming: it will be said I was disposed to find
them so, and perhaps there maybe some truth in the surmise. I cannot
remember my young scholars without pleasure. Why, in naming the most
amiable, cannot I recall them and myself also to that happy age in which
our moments, pleasing as innocent, were passed with such happiness
together? The first was Mademoiselle de Mallarede, my neighbor, and
sister to a pupil of Monsieur Gaime. She was a fine clear brunette,
lively and graceful, without giddiness; thin as girls of that age usually
are; but her bright eyes, fine shape, and easy air, rendered her
sufficiently pleasing with that degree of plumpness which would have
given a heightening to her charms. I went there of mornings, when she
was usually in her dishabille, her hair carelessly turned up, and, on my
arrival, ornamented with a flower, which was taken off at my departure
for her hair to be dressed. There is nothing I fear so much as a pretty
woman in an elegant dishabille; I should dread them a hundred times less
in full dress. Mademoiselle de Menthon, whom I attended in the
afternoon, was ever so. She made an equally pleasing, but quite
different impression on me. Her hair was flaxen, her person delicate,
she was very timid and extremely fair, had a clear voice, capable of just
modulation, but which she had not courage to employ to its full extent.
She had the mark of a scald on her bosom, which a scanty piece of blue
chenille did not entirely cover, this scar sometimes drew my attention,
though not absolutely on its own account. Mademoiselle des Challes,
another of my neighbors, was a woman grown, tall, well-formed, jolly,
very pleasing though not a beauty, and might be quoted for her
gracefulness, equal temper, and good humor. Her sister, Madam de Charly,
the handsomest woman of Chambery, did not learn music, but I taught her
daughter, who was yet young, but whose growing beauty promised to equal
her mother's, if she had not unfortunately been a little red-haired.
I had likewise among my scholars a little French lady, whose name I have
forgotten, but who merits a place in my list of preferences. She had
adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns, in which voice she would
utter some very keen things, which did not in the least appear to
correspond with her manner; but she was indolent, and could not generally
take pains to show her wit, that being a favor she did not grant to every
one. After a month or two of negligent attendance, this was an expedient
she devised to make me more assiduous, for I could not easily persuade
myself to be so. When with my scholars, I was fond enough of teaching,
but could not bear the idea of being obliged to attend at a particular
hour; constraint and subjection in every shape are to me insupportable,
and alone sufficient to make me hate even pleasure itself.

I had some scholars likewise among the tradespeople, and, among others,
one who was the indirect cause of a change of relationship, which (as I
have promised to declare all) I must relate in its place. She was the
daughter of a grocer, and was called Mademoiselle de Larnage, a perfect
model for a Grecian statue, and whom I should quote for the handsomest
girl I have ever seen, if true beauty could exist without life or soul.
Her indolence, reserve, and insensibility were inconceivable; it was
equally impossible to please or make her angry, and I am convinced that
had any one formed a design upon her virtue, he might have succeeded, not

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through her inclination, but from her stupidity. Her mother, who would
run no risk of this, did not leave her a single moment. In having her
taught to sing and providing a young master, she had hoped to enliven
her, but it all proved ineffectual. While the master was admiring the
daughter, the mother was admiring the master, but this was equally lost
labor. Madam de Larnage added to her natural vivacity that portion of
sprightliness which should have belonged to the daughter. She was a
little, ugly, lively trollop, with small twinkling ferret eyes, and
marked with smallpox. On my arrival in the morning, I always found my
coffee and cream ready, and the mother never failed to welcome me with a
kiss on the lips, which I would willingly have returned the daughter, to
see how she would have received it. All this was done with such an air
of carelessness and simplicity, that even when M. de Larnage was present;
her kisses and caresses were not omitted. He was a good quiet fellow,
the true original of his daughter; nor did his wife endeavor to deceive
him, because there was absolutely no occasion for it.

I received all these caresses with my usual stupidity, taking them only
for marks of pure friendship, though they were sometimes troublesome; for
the lively Madam Lard was displeased, if, during the day, I passed the
shop without calling; it became necessary, therefore (when I had no time
to spare), to go out of my way through another street, well knowing it
was not so easy to quit her house as to enter it.

Madam Lard thought so much of me, that I could not avoid thinking
something of her. Her attentions affected me greatly; and I spoke of
them to Madam de Warrens, without supposing any mystery in the matter,
but had there been one I should equally have divulged it, for to have
kept a secret of any kind from her would have been impossible. My heart
lay as open to Madam de Warrens as to Heaven. She did not understand the
matter quite so simply as I had done, but saw advances where I only
discovered friendship. She concluded that Madam Lard would make a point
of not leaving me as great a fool as she found me, and, some way or
other, contrive to make herself understood; but exclusive of the
consideration that it was not just, that another should undertake the
instruction of her pupil, she had motives more worthy of her, wishing to
guard me against the snares to which my youth and inexperience exposed
me. Meantime, a more dangerous temptation offered which I likewise
escaped, but which proved to her that such a succession of dangers
required every preservative she could possibly apply.

The Countess of Menthon, mother to one of my scholars, was a woman of
great wit, and reckoned to possess, at least, an equal share of mischief,
having (as was reported) caused a number of quarrels, and, among others,
one that terminated fatally for the house of D' Antremont. Madam de
Warrens had seen enough of her to know her character: for having (very
innocently) pleased some person to whom Madam de Menthon had pretensions,
she found her guilty of the crime of this preference, though Madam de
Warrens had neither sought after nor accepted it, and from that moment
endeavored to play her rival a number of ill turns, none of which
succeeded. I shall relate one of the most whimsical, by way of specimen.

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They were together in the country, with several gentlemen of the
neighborhood, and among the rest the lover in question. Madam de Menthon
took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen, that Madam de
Warrens was a prude, that she dressed ill, and particularly that she
covered her neck like a tradeswoman. "O, for that matter," replied the
person she was speaking to (who was fond of a joke), "she has good
reason, for I know she is marked with a great ugly rat on her bosom, so
naturally, that it even appears to be running." Hatred, as well as love,
renders its votaries credulous. Madam de Menthon resolved to make use of
this discovery, and one day, while Madam de Warrens was at cards with
this lady's ungrateful favorite, she contrived, in passing behind her
rival, almost to overset the chair she sat on, and at the same instant,
very dexterously displaced her handkerchief; but instead of this hideous
rat, the gentleman beheld a far different object, which it was not more
easy to forget than to obtain a sight of, and which by no means answered
the intentions of the lady.

I was not calculated to engross the attention of Madam de Menthon, who
loved to be surrounded by brilliant company; notwithstanding she bestowed
some attention on me, not for the sake of my person, which she certainly
did not regard, but for the reputation of wit which I had acquired, and
which might have rendered me convenient to her predominant inclination.
She had a very lively passion for ridicule, and loved to write songs and
lampoons on those who displeased her: had she found me possessed of
sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of her verses, and complaisance
enough to do so, we should presently have turned Chambery upside down;
these libels would have been traced to their source, Madam de Menthon
would have saved herself by sacrificing me, and I should have been cooped
up in prison, perhaps, for the rest of my life, as a recompense for
having figured away as the Apollo of the ladies. Fortunately, nothing of
this kind happened; Madam de Menthon made me stay for dinner two or three
days, to chat with me, and soon found I was too dull for her purpose.
I felt this myself, and was humiliated at the discovery, envying the
talents of my friend Venture; though I should rather have been obliged to
my stupidity for keeping me out of the reach of danger. I remained,
therefore, Madam de Menthon's daughter's singing-master, and nothing
more! but I lived happily, and was ever well received at Chambery, which
was a thousand times more desirable than passing for a wit with her, and
for a serpent with everybody else.

However this might be, Madam de Warrens conceived it necessary to guard
me from the perils of youth by treating me as a man: this she immediately
set about, but in the most extraordinary manner that any woman, in
similar circumstances, ever devised. I all at once observed that her
manner was graver, and her discourse more moral than usual. To the
playful gayety with which she used to intermingle her instructions
suddenly succeeded an uniformity of manner, neither familiar nor severe,
but which seemed to prepare me for some explanation. After having vainly
racked my brain for the reason of this change, I mentioned it to her;
this she had expected and immediately proposed a walk to our garden the

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next day. Accordingly we went there the next morning; she had contrived
that we should remain alone the whole day, which she employed in
preparing me for those favors she meant to bestow; not as another woman
would have done, by toying and folly, but by discourses full of sentiment
and reason, rather tending to instruct than seduce, and which spoke more
to my heart than to my senses. Meantime, however excellent and to the
purpose these discourses might be, and though far enough from coldness or
melancholy, I did not listen to them with all the attention they merited,
nor fix them in my memory as I should have done at any other time. That
air of preparation which she had adopted gave me a degree of inquietude;
while she spoke (in spite of myself) I was thoughtful and absent,
attending less to what she said than curious to know what she aimed at;
and no sooner had I comprehended her design (which I could not easily do)
than the novelty of the idea, which, during all the years I had passed
with her, had never once entered my imagination, took such entire
possession of me that I was no longer capable of minding what she said!
I only thought of her; I heard her no longer.

Thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some
highly interesting object as the result of it, is an error instructors
frequently run into, and one which I have not avoided in my Umilius.
The young pupil, struck with the object presented to him, is occupied
only with that, and leaping lightly over your preliminary discourses,
lights at once on the point, to which, in his idea, you lead him too
tediously. To render him attentive, he must be prevented from seeing the
whole of your design; and, in this particular, Madam de Warrens did not
act with sufficient precaution.

By a singularity which adhered to her systematic disposition, she took
the vain precaution of proposing conditions; but the moment I knew the
purchase, I no longer even heard them, but immediately consented to
everything; and I doubt whether there is a man on the whole earth who
would have been sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms, or one
single woman who would have pardoned such a dispute. By a continuation
of the same whimsicality, she attached a number of the gravest
formalities to the acquisition of her favors, and gave me eight days to
think of them, which I assured her I had no need of, though that
assurance was far from a truth: for to complete this assemblage of
singularities, I was very glad to have this intermission; so much had the
novelty of these ideas struck me, and such disorder did I feel in mine,
that it required time to arrange them.

It will be supposed, that these eight days appeared to me as many ages;
on the contrary, I should have been very glad had the time been
lengthened. I find it difficult to describe the state I found myself in;
it was a strange chaos of fear and impatience, dreading what I desired,
and studying some civil pretext to evade my happiness.

Let the warmth of my constitution be remembered, my age, and my heart
intoxicated with love; let my tender attachment to her be supposed,
which, far from having diminished, had daily gained additional strength;

                                                                            135
let it be considered that I was only happy when with her, that my heart
was full, not only of her bounty, of her amiable disposition, but of her
shape, of her person, of herself; in a word, conceive me united to her by
every affinity that could possibly render her dear; nor let it be
supposed, that, being ten or twelve years older than myself, she began to
grow an old woman, or was so in my opinion. From the time the first
sight of her had made such an impression on me, she had really altered
very little, and, in my mind, not at all. To me she was ever charming,
and was still thought so by everyone. She had got something jollier,
but had the same fine eyes, the same clear complexion, the same features,
the same beautiful light hair, the sane gayety, and even the same voice,
whose youthful and silvery sound made so lively an impression on my
heart, that, even to this day, I cannot hear a young woman's voice,
that is at all harmonious, without emotion. It will be seen, that in a
more advanced age, the bare idea of some trifling favors I had to expect
from the person I loved, inflamed me so far, that I could not support,
with any degree of patience, the time necessary to traverse the short
space that separated us; how then, by what miracle, when in the flower of
my youth, had I so little impatience for a happiness I had never tasted
but in idea? How could I see the moment advancing with more pain than
pleasure? Why, instead of transports that should have intoxicated me
with their deliciousness, did I experience only fears and repugnance?
I have no doubt that if I could have avoided this happiness with any
degree of decency, I should have relinquished it with all my heart.
I have promised a number of extravagancies in the history of my
attachment to her; this certainly is one that no idea could be formed of.

The reader (already disgusted) supposes, that being in the situation I
have before described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my
opinion by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of
disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is
mistaken. 'Tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness,
as well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy, as because it appeared
unworthy both of her and myself; but as to my sentiments for her, they
were still the same, and I can solemnly aver, that I never loved her more
tenderly than when I felt so little propensity to avail myself of her
condescension. I was too well acquainted with the chastity of her heart
and the iciness of her constitution, to suppose a moment that the
gratification of the senses had any influence over her; I was well
convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers, which
appeared otherwise inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she did
not consider in the same light that women usually do; as will presently
be explained.

The habit of living a long time innocently together, far from weakening
the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to strengthen them,
giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the same time a less sensual,
turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed myself to call her Mama (as
formerly observed) and enjoying the familiarity of a son, it became
natural to consider myself as such, and I am inclined to think this was
the true reason of that insensibility with a person I so tenderly loved;

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for I can perfectly recollect that my emotions on first seeing her,
though not more lively, were more voluptuous: At Annecy I was
intoxicated, at Chambery I possessed my reason. I always loved her as
passionately as possible, but I now loved her more for herself and less
on my own account; or, at least, I rather sought for happiness than
pleasure in her company. She was more to me than a sister, a mother, a
friend, or even than a mistress, and for this very reason she was not a
mistress; in a word, I loved her too much to desire her.

This day, more dreaded than hoped for, at length arrived. I have before
observed, that I promised everything that was required of me, and I kept
my word: my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring the fruits,
though at length I obtained them. Was I happy? No: I felt I know not
what invincible sadness which empoisoned my happiness, it seemed that I
had committed an incest, and two or three times, pressing her eagerly in
my arms, I deluged her bosom with my tears. On her part, as she had
never sought pleasure, she had not the stings of remorse.

I repeat it, all her failings were the effect of her errors, never of her
passions. She was well born, her heart was pure, her manners noble, her
desires regular and virtuous, her taste delicate; she seemed formed for
that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved, but never practised,
because instead of listening to the dictates of her heart, she followed
those of her reason, which led her astray: for when once corrupted by
false principles it will ever run counter to its natural sentiments.
Unhappily, she piqued herself on philosophy, and the morals she drew from
thence clouded the genuine purity of her heart.

M. Tavel, her first lover, was also her instructor in this philosophy,
and the principles he instilled into her mind were such as tended to
seduce her. Finding her cold and impregnable on the side of her
passions, and firmly attached to her husband and her duty, he attacked
her by sophisms, endeavoring to prove that the list of duties she thought
so sacred, was but a sort of catechism, fit only for children. That the
kind of infidelity she thought so terrible, was, in itself, absolutely
indifferent; that all the morality of conjugal faith consisted in
opinion, the contentment of husbands being the only reasonable rule of
duty in wives; consequently that concealed infidelities, doing no injury,
could be no crime; in a word, he persuaded her that the sin consisted
only in the scandal, that woman being really virtuous who took care to
appear so. Thus the deceiver obtained his end in the subverting the
reason of a girl; whose heart he found it impossible to corrupt, and
received his punishment in a devouring jealousy, being persuaded she
would treat him as he had prevailed on her to treat her husband.

I don't know whether he was mistaken in this respect: the Minister Perret
passed for his successor; all I know, is, that the coldness of
temperament which it might have been supposed would have kept her from
embracing this system, in the end prevented her from renouncing it. She
could not conceive how so much importance should be given to what seemed
to have none for her; nor could she honor with the name of virtue, an

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abstinence which would have cost her little.

She did not, therefore, give in to this false principle on her own
account, but for the sake of others; and that from another maxim almost
as false as the former, but more consonant to the generosity of her
disposition.

She was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any woman
as an unbounded freedom, and though she was only susceptible of
friendship, this friendship was so tender, that she made use of every
means which depended on her to secure the objects of it, and, which is
very extraordinary, almost always succeeded: for she was so truly
amiable, that an increase of intimacy was sure to discover additional
reasons to love and respect her. Another thing worthy of remark is,
that after her first folly, she only favored the unfortunate. Lovers in
a more brilliant station lost their labor with her, but the man who at
first attracted her pity, must have possessed very few good qualities if
in the end he did not obtain her affection. Even when she made an
unworthy choice, far from proceeding from base inclinations (which were
strangers to her noble heart) it was the effect of a disposition too
generous, humane, compassionate, and sensible, which she did not always
govern with sufficient discernment.

If some false principles misled her, how many admirable ones did she not
possess, which never forsook her! By how many virtues did she atone for
her failings! if we can call by that name errors in which the senses had
so little share. The man who in one particular deceived her so
completely, had given her excellent instructions in a thousand others;
and her passions, being far from turbulent, permitted her to follow the
dictates. She ever acted wisely when her sophisms did not intervene, and
her designs were laudable even in her failings. False principles might
lead her to do ill, but she never did anything which she conceived to be
wrong. She abhorred lying and duplicity, was just, equitable, humane,
disinterested, true to her word, her friends, and those duties which she
conceived to be such; incapable of hatred or revenge, and not even
conceiving there was a merit in pardoning; in fine (to return to those
qualities which were less excusable), though she did not properly value,
she never made a vile commerce of her favors; she lavished, but never
sold them, though continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence:
and I dare assert, that if Socrates could esteem Aspasia, he would have
respected Madam de Warrens.

I am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of
temperament to the same person, I shall generally, and with great
appearance of reason, be accused of a contradiction. Perhaps Nature
sported or blundered, and this combination ought not to have existed;
I only know it did exist. All those who know Madam de Warrens (a great
number of whom are yet living) have had opportunities of knowing this was
a fact; I dare even aver she had but one pleasure in the world, which was
serving those she loved. Let every one argue on the point as he pleases,
and gravely prove that this cannot be; my business is to declare the

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truth, and not to enforce a belief of it.

I became acquainted with the particulars I have just related, in those
conversations which succeeded our union, and alone rendered it delicious.
She was right when she concluded her complaisance would be useful to me;
I derived great advantages from it in point of useful instruction.
Hitherto she had used me as a child, she now began to treat me as a man,
and entertain me with accounts of herself. Everything she said was so
interesting, and I was so sensibly touched with it, that, reasoning with
myself, I applied these confidential relations to my own improvement and
received more instruction from them than from her teaching. When we
truly feel that the heart speaks, our own opens to receive its
instructions, nor can all the pompous morality of a pedagogue have half
the effect that is produced by the tender, affectionate, and artless
conversation of a sensible woman on him who loves her.

The intimacy in which I lived with Madam de Warrens, having placed me
more advantageously in her opinion than formerly, she began to think
(notwithstanding my awkward manner) that I deserved cultivation for the
polite world, and that if I could one day show myself there in an
eligible situation, I should soon be able to make my way. In consequence
of this idea, she set about forming not only my judgment, but my address,
endeavoring to render me amiable, as well as estimable; and if it is true
that success in this world is consistent with strict virtue (which, for
my part, I do not believe), I am certain there is no other road than that
she had taken, and wished to point out to me. For Madam de Warrens knew
mankind, and understood exquisitely well the art of treating all ranks,
without falsehood, and without imprudence, neither deceiving nor
provoking them; but this art was rather in her disposition than her
precepts, she knew better how to practise than explain it, and I was of
all the world the least calculated to become master of such an
attainment; accordingly, the means employed for this purpose were nearly
lost labor, as well as the pains she took to procure me a fencing and a
dancing master.

Though very well made, I could never learn to dance a minuet; for being
plagued with corns, I had acquired a habit of walking on my heels, which
Roche, the dancing master, could never break me of. It was still worse
at the fencing-school, where, after three months' practice, I made but
very little progress, and could never attempt fencing with any but my
master. My wrist was not supple enough, nor my arm sufficiently firm to
retain the foil, whenever he chose to make it fly out of my hand. Add to
this, I had a mortal aversion both to the art itself and to the person
who undertook to teach it to me, nor should I ever have imagined, that
anyone could have been so proud of the science of sending men out of the
world. To bring this vast genius within the compass of my comprehension,
he explained himself by comparisons drawn from music, which he understood
nothing of. He found striking analogies between a hit in 'quarte' or
'tierce' with the intervals of music which bears those names: when he
made a feint he cried out, "take care of this 'diesis'," because
anciently they called the 'diesis' a feint: and when he had made the foil

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fly from my hand, he would add, with a sneer, that this was a pause: in a
word, I never in my life saw a more insupportable pedant.

I made, therefore, but little progress in my exercises, which I presently
quitted from pure disgust; but I succeeded better in an art of a thousand
times more value, namely, that of being content with my situation, and
not desiring one more brilliant, for which I began to be persuaded that
Nature had not designed me. Given up to the endeavor of rendering Madam
de Warrens happy, I was ever best pleased when in her company, and,
notwithstanding my fondness for music, began to grudge the time I
employed in giving lessons to my scholars.

I am ignorant whether Anet perceived the full extent of our union; but I
am inclined to think he was no stranger to it. He was a young man of
great penetration, and still greater discretion; who never belied his
sentiments, but did not always speak them: without giving me the least
hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy, he appeared by his conduct
to be so; nor did this moderation proceed from baseness of soul, but,
having entered entirely into the principles of his mistress, he could not
reasonably disapprove of the natural consequences of them. Though as
young as herself, he was so grave and thoughtful, that he looked on us as
two children who required indulgence, and we regarded him as a
respectable man, whose esteem we had to preserve. It was not until after
she was unfaithful to Anet, that I learned the strength of her attachment
to him. She was fully sensible that I only thought, felt, or lived for
her; she let me see, therefore, how much she loved Anet, that I might
love him likewise, and dwell less on her friendship, than on her esteem,
for him, because this was the sentiment that I could most fully partake
of. How often has she affected our hearts and made us embrace with
tears, by assuring us that we were both necessary to her happiness!
Let not women read this with an ill-natured smile; with the temperament
she possessed, this necessity was not equivocal, it was only that of the
heart.

Thus there was established, among us three, a union without example,
perhaps, on the face of the earth. All our wishes, our cares, our very
hearts, were for each other, and absolutely confined to this little
circle. The habit of living together, and living exclusively from the
rest of the world, became so strong, that if at our repasts one of the
three was wanting, or a fourth person came in, everything seemed
deranged; and, notwithstanding our particular attachments, even our
tete-a-tete were less agreeable than our reunion. What banished every
species of constraint from our little community, was a lively reciprocal
confidence, and dulness or insipidity could find no place among us,
because we were always fully employed. Madam de Warrens always
projecting, always busy, left us no time for idleness, though, indeed,
we had each sufficient employment on our own account. It is my maxim,
that idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude. Nothing
more contracts the mind, or engenders more tales, mischief, gossiping,
and lies, than for people to be eternally shut up in the same apartment
together, and reduced, from the want of employment, to the necessity of

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an incessant chat. When every one is busy (unless you have really
something to say), you may continue silent; but if you have nothing to
do, you must absolutely speak continually, and this, in my mind, is the
most burdensome and the most dangerous constraint. I will go further,
and maintain, that to render company harmless, as well as agreeable, it
is necessary, not only that they should have something to do, but
something that requires a degree of attention.

Knitting, for instance, is absolutely as bad as doing nothing; you must
take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus employed, as
if she sat with her arms crossed; but let her embroider, and it is a
different matter; she is then so far busied, that a few intervals of
silence may be borne with. What is most disgusting and ridiculous,
during these intermissions of conversation, is to see, perhaps, a dozen
over-grown fellows, get up, sit down again, walk backwards and forwards,
turn on their heels, play with the chimney ornaments, and rack their
brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of words: what a charming
occupation! Such people, wherever they go, must be troublesome both to
others and themselves. When I was at Motiers, I used to employ myself in
making laces with my neighbors, and were I again to mix with the world,
I would always carry a cup-and-ball in my pocket; I should sometimes play
with it the whole day, that I might not be constrained to speak when I
had nothing to discourse about; and I am persuaded, that if every one
would do the same, mankind would be less mischievous, their company would
become more rational, and, in my opinion, a vast deal more agreeable;
in a word, let wits laugh if they please, but I maintain, that the only
practical lesson of morality within the reach of the present age, is that
of the cup-and-ball.

At Chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying expedients to
avoid weariness, when by ourselves, for a troop of important visitors
gave us too much by their company, to feel any when alone. The annoyance
they formerly gave me had not diminished; all the difference was, that I
now found less opportunity to abandon myself to my dissatisfaction.
Poor Madam de Warrens had not lost her old predilection for schemes and
systems; on the contrary, the more she felt the pressure of her domestic
necessities, the more she endeavored to extricate herself from them by
visionary projects; and, in proportion to the decrease of her present
resources, she contrived to enlarge, in idea, those of the future.
Increase of years only strengthened this folly: as she lost her relish
for the pleasures of the world and youth, she replaced it by an
additional fondness for secrets and projects; her house was never clear
of quacks, contrivers of new manufactures, alchemists, projects of all
kinds and of all descriptions, whose discourses began by a distribution
of millions and concluded by giving you to understand that they were in
want of a crown--piece. No one went from her empty-handed; and what
astonished me most was, how she could so long support such profusion,
without exhausting the source or wearying her creditors.

Her principal project at the time I am now speaking of was that of
establishing a Royal Physical Garden at Chambery, with a Demonstrator

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attached to it; it will be unnecessary to add for whom this office was
designed. The situation of this city, in the midst of the Alps, was
extremely favorable to botany, and as Madam de Warrens was always for
helping out one project with another, a College of Pharmacy was to be
added, which really would have been a very useful foundation in so poor a
country, where apothecaries are almost the only medical practitioners.
The retreat of the chief physician, Grossi, to Chambery, on the demise of
King Victor, seemed to favor this idea, or perhaps, first suggest it;
however this may be, by flattery and attention she set about managing
Grossi, who, in fact, was not very manageable, being the most caustic and
brutal, for a man who had any pretensions to the quality of a gentleman,
that ever I knew. The reader may judge for himself by two or three
traits of character, which I shall add by way of specimen.

He assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors, and among
the rest, a young gentleman from Annecy, who was physician in ordinary to
the sick person. This young man, being but indifferently taught for a
doctor, was bold enough to differ in opinion from M. Grossi, who only
answered him by asking him when he should return, which way he meant to
take, and what conveyance he should make use of? The other, having
satisfied Grossi in these particulars, asked him if there was anything he
could serve him in? "Nothing, nothing," answered he, "only I shall place
myself at a window in your way, that I may have the pleasure of seeing an
ass ride on horseback." His avarice equalled his riches and want of
feeling. One of his friends wanted to borrow some money of him, on good
security. "My friend," answered he, shaking him by the arm, and grinding
his teeth, "Should St. Peter descend from heaven to borrow ten pistoles
of me, and offer the Trinity as securities, I would not lend them." One
day, being invited to dinner with Count Picon, Governor of Savoy, who was
very religious, he arrived before it was ready, and found his excellency
busy with his devotions, who proposed to him the same employment; not
knowing how to refuse, he knelt down with a frightful grimace, but had
hardly recited two Ave-Marias, when, not being able to contain himself
any longer, he rose hastily, snatched his hat and cane, and without
speaking a word, was making toward the door; Count Picon ran after him,
crying, "Monsieur Grossi! Monsieur Grossi! stop, there's a most
excellent ortolan on the spit for you." "Monsieur le Count," replied the
other, turning his head, "though you should give me a roasted angel, I
would not stay." Such was M. Grossi, whom Madam de Warrens undertook and
succeeded in civilizing. Though his time was very much occupied, he
accustomed himself to come frequently to her house, conceived a
friendship for Anet, seemed to think him intelligent, spoke of him with
esteem, and, what would not have been expected of such a brute, affected
to treat him with respect, wishing to efface the impressions of the past;
for though Anet was no longer on the footing of a domestic, it was known
that he had been one, and nothing less than the countenance and example
of the chief physician was necessary to set an example of respect which
would not otherwise have been paid him. Thus Claude Anet, with a black
coat, a well-dressed wig, a grave, decent behavior, a circumspect
conduct, and a tolerable knowledge in medical and botanical matters,
might reasonably have hoped to fill, with universal satisfaction,

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the place of public demonstrator, had the proposed establishment taken
place. Grossi highly approved the plan, and only waited an opportunity
to propose it to the administration, whenever a return of peace should
permit them to think of useful institutions, and enable them to spare the
necessary pecuniary supplies.

But this project, whose execution would probably have plunged me into
botanical studies, for which I am inclined to think Nature designed me,
failed through one of those unexpected strokes which frequently overthrow
the best concerted plans. I was destined to become an example of human
misery; and it might be said that Providence, who called me by degrees to
these extraordinary trials, disconcerted every opportunity that could
prevent my encountering them.

In an excursion which Anet made to the top of the mountain to seek for
genipi, a scarce plant that grows only on the Alps, and which Monsieur
Grossi had occasion for, unfortunately he heated himself so much, that he
was seized with a pleurisy, which the genipi could not relieve, though
said to be specific in that disorder; and, notwithstanding all the art of
Grossi (who certainly was very skillful), and all the care of his good
mistress and myself, he died the fifth day of his disorder, in the most
cruel agonies. During his illness he had no exhortations but mine,
bestowed with such transports of grief and zeal, that had he been in a
state to understand them, they must have been some consolation to him.
Thus I lost the firmest friend I ever had; a man estimable and
extraordinary; in whom Nature supplied the defects of education, and who
(though in a state of servitude) possessed all the virtues necessary to
form a great man, which, perhaps, he would have shown himself, and been
acknowledged, had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly
adapted to.

The next day I spoke of him to Madam de Warrens with the most sincere and
lively affection; when, suddenly, in the midst of our conversation, the
vile, ungrateful thought occurred, that I should inherit his wardrobe,
and particularly a handsome black coat, which I thought very becoming.
As I thought this, I consequently uttered it; for when with her, to think
and to speak was the same thing. Nothing could have made her feel more
forcibly the loss she had sustained, than this unworthy and odious
observation; disinterestedness and greatness of soul being qualities that
poor Anet had eminently possessed. The generous Madam de Warrens turned
from me, and (without any reply) burst into tears. Dear and precious
tears! your reprehension was fully felt; ye ran into my very heart,
washing from thence even the smallest traces of such despicable and
unworthy sentiments, never to return.

This loss caused Madam de Warrens as much inconvenience as sorrow,
since from this moment her affairs were still more deranged. Anet was
extremely exact, and kept everything in order; his vigilance was
universally feared, and this set some bounds to that profusion they were
too apt to run into; even Madam de Warrens, to avoid his censure,
kept her dissipation within bounds; his attachment was not sufficient,

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she wished to preserve his esteem, and avoid the just remonstrances he
sometimes took the liberty to make her, by representing that she
squandered the property of others as well as her own. I thought as he
did, nay, I even sometimes expressed myself to the same effect, but had
not an equal ascendancy over her, and my advice did not make the same
impression. On his decease, I was obliged to occupy his place, for which
I had as little inclination as abilities, and therefore filled it ill.
I was not sufficiently careful, and so very timid, that though I
frequently found fault to myself, I saw ill-management without taking
courage to oppose it; besides, though I acquired an equal share of
respect, I had not the same authority. I saw the disorder that
prevailed, trembled at it, sometimes complained, but was never attended
to. I was too young and lively to have any pretensions to the exercise
of reason, and when I would have acted the reformer, Madam de Warrens
calling me her little Mentor, with two or three playful slaps on the
cheek, reduced me to my natural thoughtlessness. Notwithstanding,
an idea of the certain distress in which her ill-regulated expenses,
sooner or later, must necessarily plunge her, made a stronger impression
on me since I had become the inspector of her household, and had a better
opportunity of calculating the inequality that subsisted between her
income and her expenses. I even date from this period the beginning of
that inclination to avarice which I have ever since been sensible of.
I was never foolishly prodigal, except by intervals; but till then I was
never concerned whether I had much or little money. I now began to pay
more attention to this circumstance, taking care of my purse, and
becoming mean from a laudable motive; for I only sought to insure Madam
de Warrens some resources against that catastrophe which I dreaded the
approach of. I feared her creditors would seize her pension or that it
might be discontinued and she reduced to want, when I foolishly imagined
that the trifle I could save might be of essential service to her; but to
accomplish this, it was necessary I should conceal what I meant to make a
reserve of; for it would have been an awkward circumstance, while she was
perpetually driven to expedients, to have her know that I hoarded money.
Accordingly, I sought out some hiding-place, where I laid up a few louis,
resolving to augment this stock from time to time, till a convenient
opportunity to lay it at her feet; but I was so incautious in the choice
of my repositories, that she always discovered them, and, to convince me
that she did so, changed the louis I had concealed for a larger sum in
different pieces of coin. Ashamed of these discoveries, I brought back
to the common purse my little treasure, which she never failed to lay out
in clothes, or other things for my use, such as a silver hilted sword,
watch, etc. Being convinced that I should never succeed in accumulating
money, and that what I could save would furnish but a very slender
resource against the misfortune I dreaded, made me wish to place myself
in such a situation that I might be enabled to provide for her, whenever
she might chance to be reduced to want. Unhappily, seeking these
resources on the side of my inclinations, I foolishly determined to
consider music as my principal dependence; and ideas of harmony rising in
my brain, I imagined, that if placed in a proper situation to profit by
them, I should acquire celebrity, and presently become a modern Orpheus,
whose mystic sounds would attract all the riches of Peru.

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As I began to read music tolerably well, the question was, how I should
learn composition? The difficulty lay in meeting with a good master,
for, with the assistance of my Rameau alone, I despaired of ever being
able to accomplish it; and, since the departure of M. le Maitre, there
was nobody in Savoy who understood anything of the principles of harmony.

I am now about to relate another of those inconsequences, which my life
is full of, and which have so frequently carried me directly from my
designs, even when I thought myself immediately within reach of them.
Venture had spoken to me in very high terms of the Abbe Blanchard, who
had taught him composition; a deserving man, possessed of great talents,
who was music-master to the cathedral at Besancon, and is now in that
capacity at the Chapel of Versailles. I therefore determined to go to
Besancon, and take some lessons from the Abbe Blanchard, and the idea
appeared so rational to me, that I soon made Madam de Warrens of the same
opinion, who immediately set about the preparations for my journey, in
the same style of profusion with which all her plans were executed. Thus
this project for preventing a bankruptcy, and repairing in future the
waste of dissipation, began by causing her to expend eight hundred
livres; her ruin being accelerated that I might be put in a condition to
prevent it. Foolish as this conduct may appear, the illusion was
complete on my part, and even on hers, for I was persuaded I should labor
for her emolument, and she thought she was highly promoting mine.

I expected to find Venture still at Annecy, and promised myself to obtain
a recommendatory letter from him to the Abbe Blanchard; but he had left
that place, and I was obliged to content myself in the room of it, with a
mass in four parts of his composition, which he had left with me. With
this slender recommendation I set out for Besancon by the way of Geneva,
where I saw my relations; and through Nion, where I saw my father, who
received me in his usual manner, and promised to forward my portmanteau,
which, as I travelled on horseback, came after me. I arrived at
Besancon, and was kindly received by the Abbe Blanchard, who promised me
his instruction, and offered his services in any other particular. We
had just set about our music, when I received a letter from my father,
informing me that my portmanteau had been seized and confiscated at
Rousses, a French barrier on the side of Switzerland. Alarmed at the
news, I employed the acquaintance I had formed at Besancon, to learn the
motive of this confiscation. Being certain there was nothing contraband
among my baggage, I could not conceive on what pretext it could have been
seized on; at length, however, I learned the rights of the story, which
(as it is a very curious one) must not be omitted.

I became acquainted at Chambery with a very worthy old man, from Lyons,
named Monsieur Duvivier, who had been employed at the Visa, under the
regency, and for want of other business, now assisted at the Survey. He
had lived in the polite world, possessed talents, was good-humored, and
understood music. As we both wrote in the same chamber, we preferred
each other's acquaintance to that of the unlicked cubs that surrounded
us. He had some correspondents at Paris, who furnished him with those

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little nothings, those daily novelties, which circulate one knows not
why, and die one cares not when, without any one thinking of them longer
than they are heard. As I sometimes took him to dine with Madam de
Warrens, he in some measure treated me with respect, and (wishing to
render himself agreeable) endeavored to make me fond of these trifles,
for which I naturally had such a distaste, that I never in my life read
any of them. Unhappily one of these cursed papers happened to be in the
waistcoat pocket of a new suit, which I had only worn two or three times
to prevent its being seized by the commissioners of the customs. This
paper contained an insipid Jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in
Racine's Mithridates: I had not read ten lines of it, but by
forgetfulness left it in my pocket, and this caused all my necessaries to
be confiscated. The commissioners at the head of the inventory of my
portmanteau, set a most pompous verbal process, in which it was taken for
granted that this most terrible writing came from Geneva for the sole
purpose of being printed and distributed in France, and then ran into
holy invectives against the enemies of God and the Church, and praised
the pious vigilance of those who had prevented the execution of these
most infernal machinations. They doubtless found also that my spirits
smelt of heresy, for on the strength of this dreadful paper, they were
all seized, and from that time I never received any account of my
unfortunate portmanteau. The revenue officers whom I applied to for this
purpose required so many instructions, informations, certificates,
memorials, etc., etc., that, lost a thousand times in the perplexing
labyrinth, I was glad to abandon them entirely. I feel a real regret for
not having preserved this verbal process from the office of Rousses, for
it was a piece calculated to hold a distinguished rank in the collection
which is to accompany this Work.

The loss of my necessities immediately brought me back to Chambery,
without having learned anything of the Abbe Blanchard. Reasoning with
myself on the events of this journey, and seeing that misfortunes
attended all my enterprises, I resolved to attach myself entirely to
Madam de Warrens, to share her fortune, and distress myself no longer
about future events, which I could not regulate. She received me as if I
had brought back treasures, replaced by degrees my little wardrobe, and
though this misfortune fell heavy enough on us both, it was forgotten
almost as suddenly as it arrived.

Though this mischance had rather dampened my musical ardor, I did not
leave off studying my Rameau, and, by repeated efforts, was at length
able to understand it, and to make some little attempts at composition,
the success of which encouraged me to proceed. The Count de Bellegrade,
son of the Marquis of Antremont, had returned from Dresden after the
death of King Augustus. Having long resided at Paris, he was fond of
music, and particularly that of Rameau. His brother, the Count of
Nangis, played on the violin; the Countess la Tour, their sister, sung
tolerably: this rendered music the fashion at Chambery, and a kind of
public concert was established there, the direction of which was at first
designed for me, but they soon discovered I was not competent to the
undertaking, and it was otherwise arranged. Notwithstanding this, I

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continued writing a number of little pieces, in my own way, and, among
others, a cantata, which gained great approbation; it could not, indeed,
be called a finished piece, but the airs were written in a style of
novelty, and produced a good effect, which was not expected from me.
These gentlemen could not believe that, reading music so indifferently,
it was possible I should compose any that was passable, and made no doubt
that I had taken to myself the credit of some other person's labors.
Monsieur de Nangis, wishing to be assured of this, called on me one
morning with a cantata of Clerambault's which he had transposed as he
said, to suit his voice, and to which another bass was necessary, the
transposition having rendered that of Clerambault impracticable. I
answered, it required considerable labor, and could not be done on the
spot. Being convinced I only sought an excuse, he pressed me to write at
least the bass to a recitative: I did so, not well, doubtless, because to
attempt anything with success I must have both time and freedom, but I
did it at least according to rule, and he being present, could not doubt
but I understood the elements of composition. I did not, therefore, lose
my scholars, though it hurt my pride that there should be a concert at
Chambery in which I was not necessary.

About this time, peace being concluded, the French army repassed the
Alps. Several officers came to visit Madam de Warrens, and among others
the Count de Lautrec, Colonel of the regiment of Orleans, since
Plenipotentiary of Geneva, and afterwards Marshal of France, to whom she
presented me. On her recommendation, he appeared to interest himself
greatly in my behalf, promising a great deal, which he never remembered
till the last year of his life, when I no longer stood in need of his
assistance. The young Marquis of Sennecterre, whose father was then
ambassador at Turin, passed through Chambery at the same time, and dined
one day at M. de Menthon's, when I happened to be among the guests.
After dinner; the discourse turned on music, which the marquis understood
extremely well. The opera of 'Jephtha' was then new; he mentioned this
piece, it was brought him, and he made me tremble by proposing to execute
it between us. He opened the book at that celebrated double chorus,

            La Terra, l'Enfer, le Ciel meme,
            Tout tremble devant le Seigneur!

         [The Earth, and Hell, and Heaven itself,
         tremble before the Lord!]

He said, "How many parts will you take? I will do these six." I had not
yet been accustomed to this trait of French vivacity, and though
acquainted with divisions, could not comprehend how one man could
undertake to perform six, or even two parts at the same time. Nothing
has cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from one part to
another, and have the eye at once on a whole division. By the manner in
which I evaded this trial, he must have been inclined to believe I did
not understand music, and perhaps it was to satisfy himself in this
particular that he proposed my noting a song for Mademoiselle de Menthon,
in such a manner that I could not avoid it. He sang this song, and I

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wrote from his voice, without giving him much trouble to repeat it. When
finished he read my performance, and said (which was very true) that it
was very correctly noted. He had observed my embarrassment, and now
seemed to enhance the merit of this little success. In reality, I then
understood music very well, and only wanted that quickness at first sight
which I possess in no one particular, and which is only to be acquired in
this art by long and constant practice. Be that as it may, I was fully
sensible of his kindness in endeavoring to efface from the minds of
others, and even from my own, the embarrassment I had experienced on this
occasion. Twelve or fifteen years afterwards, meeting this gentleman at
several houses in Paris, I was tempted to make him recollect this
anecdote, and show him I still remembered it; but he had lost his sight
since that time; I feared to give him pain by recalling to his memory how
useful it formerly had been to him, and was therefore silent on that
subject.

I now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the present,
some friendships of that period, prolonged to the present time, being
very dear to me, have frequently made me regret that happy obscurity,
when those who called themselves my friends were really so; loved me for
myself, through pure good will, and not from the vanity of being
acquainted with a conspicuous character, perhaps for the secret purpose
of finding more occasions to injure him.

From this time I date my first acquaintance with my old friend
Gauffecourt, who, notwithstanding every effort to disunite us, has still
remained so.--Still remained so!--No, alas! I have just lost him!--but
his affection terminated only with his life--death alone could put a
period to our friendship. Monsieur de Gauffecourt was one of the most
amiable men that ever existed; it was impossible to see him without
affection, or to live with him without feeling a sincere attachment.
In my life I never saw features more expressive of goodness and serenity,
or that marked more feeling, more understanding, or inspired greater
confidence. However reserved one might be, it was impossible even at
first sight to avoid being as free with him as if he had been an
acquaintance of twenty years; for myself, who find so much difficulty
to be at ease among new faces, I was familiar with him in a moment.
His manner, accent, and conversation, perfectly suited his features:
the sound of his voice was clear, full and musical; it was an agreeable
and expressive bass, which satisfied the ear, and sounded full upon the
heart. It was impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing vivacity,
or more real and unaffected gracefulness, more natural talents, or
cultivated with greater taste; join to all these good qualities an
affectionate heart, but loving rather too diffusively, and bestowing his
favors with too little caution; serving his friends with zeal, or rather
making himself the friend of every one he could serve, yet contriving
very dexterously to manage his own affairs, while warmly pursuing the
interests of others.

Gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker, and would have been a
clock-maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a superior

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situation. He became acquainted with M. de la Closure, the French
Resident at Geneva, who conceived a friendship for him, and procured him
some connections at Paris, which were useful, and through whose influence
he obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of Valais, which was
worth twenty thousand livres a year. This very amply satisfied his
wishes with respect to fortune, but with regard to women he was more
difficult; he had to provide for his own happiness, and did what he
supposed most conducive to it. What renders his character most
remarkable, and does him the greatest honor, is, that though connected
with all conditions, he was universally esteemed and sought after without
being envied or hated by any one, and I really believe he passed through
life without a single enemy.--Happy man!

He went every year to the baths of Aix, where the best company from the
neighboring countries resorted, and being on terms of friendship with all
the nobility of Savoy, came from Aix to Chambery to see the young Count
de Bellegarde and his father the Marquis of Antremont. It was here Madam
de Warrens introduced me to him, and this acquaintance, which appeared at
that time to end in nothing, after many years had elapsed, was renewed on
an occasion which I should relate, when it became a real friendship.
I apprehend I am sufficiently authorized in speaking of a man to whom I
was so firmly attached, but I had no personal interest in what concerned
him; he was so truly amiable, and born with so many natural good
qualities that, for the honor of human nature, I should think it
necessary to preserve his memory. This man, estimable as he certainly
was, had, like other mortals, some failings, as will be seen hereafter;
perhaps had it not been so, he would have been less amiable, since,
to render him as interesting as possible, it was necessary he should
sometimes act in such a manner as to require a small portion of
indulgence.

Another connection of the same time, that is not yet extinguished,
and continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness,
which it is so difficult to obliterate from the human heart, is Monsieur
de Conzie, a Savoyard gentleman, then young and amiable, who had a fancy
to learn music, or rather to be acquainted with the person who taught it.
With great understanding and taste for polite acquirements, M. de Conzie
possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him extremely
attractive, and my temper being somewhat similar, when it found a
counterpart, our friendship was soon formed. The seeds of literature and
philosophy, which began to ferment in my brain, and only waited for
culture and emulation to spring up, found in him exactly what was wanting
to render them prolific. M. de Conzie had no great inclination to music,
and even this was useful to me, for the hours destined for lessons were
passed anyhow rather than musically; we breakfasted, chatted, and read
new publications, but not a word of music.

The correspondence between Voltaire and the Prince Royal of Prussia, then
made a noise in the world, and these celebrated men were frequently the
subject of our conversation, one of whom recently seated on a throne,
already indicated what he would prove himself hereafter, while the other,

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as much disgraced as he is now admired, made us sincerely lament the
misfortunes that seemed to pursue him, and which are so frequently the
appendage of superior talents. The Prince of Prussia had not been happy
in his youth, and it appeared that Voltaire was formed never to be so.
The interest we took in both parties extended to all that concerned them,
and nothing that Voltaire wrote escaped us. The inclination I felt for
these performances inspired me with a desire to write elegantly, and
caused me to endeavor to imitate the colorings of that author, with whom
I was so much enchanted. Some time after, his philosophical letters
(though certainly not his best work) greatly augmented my fondness for
study; it was a rising inclination, which, from that time, has never been
extinguished.

But the moment was not yet arrived when I should give into it entirely;
my rambling disposition (rather contracted than eradicated) being kept
alive by our manner of living at Madam de Warrens, which was too
unsettled for one of my solitary temper. The crowd of strangers who
daily swarmed about her from all parts, and the certainty I was in that
these people sought only to dupe her, each in his particular mode,
rendered home disagreeable. Since I had succeeded Anet in the confidence
of his mistress, I had strictly examined her circumstances, and saw their
evil tendency with horror. I had remonstrated a hundred times, prayed,
argued, conjured, but all to no purpose. I had thrown myself at her
feet, and strongly represented the catastrophe that threatened her, had
earnestly entreated that she would reform her expenses, and begin with
myself, representing that it was better to suffer something while she was
yet young, than by multiplying her debts and creditors, expose her old
age to vexation and misery.

Sensible of the sincerity of my zeal, she was frequently affected, and
would then make the finest promises in the world: but only let an artful
schemer arrive, and in an instant all her good resolutions were
forgotten. After a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my
remonstrances, what remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin
I could not prevent; and fly myself from the door I could not guard!
I made therefore little journeys to Geneva and Lyons, which diverted my
mind in some measure from this secret uneasiness, though it increased the
cause by these additional expenses. I can truly aver that I should have
acquiesed with pleasure in every retrenchment, had Madam de Warrens
really profited by it, but being persuaded that what I might refuse
myself would be distributed among a set of interested villains, I took
advantage of her easiness to partake with them, and, like the dog
returning from the shambles, carried off a portion of that morsel which I
could not protect.

Pretences were not wanting for all these journeys; even Madam de Warrens
would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary, having plenty
of connections, negotiations, affairs, and commissions, which she wished
to have executed by some trusty hand. In these cases she usually applied
to me; I was always willing to go, and consequently found occasions
enough to furnish out a rambling kind of life. These excursions procured

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me some good connections, which have since been agreeable or useful to
me. Among others, I met at Lyons, with M. Perrichon, whose friendship I
accuse myself with not having sufficiently cultivated, considering the
kindness he had for me; and that of the good Parisot, which I shall speak
of in its place, at Grenoble, that of Madam Deybens and Madam la
Presidente de Bardonanche, a woman of great understanding, and who would
have entertained a friendship for me had it been in my power to have seen
her oftener; at Geneva, that of M. de Closure, the French Resident, who
often spoke to me of my mother, the remembrance of whom neither death nor
time had erased from his heart; likewise those of the two Barillots, the
father, who was very amiable, a good companion, and one of the most
worthy men I ever met, calling me his grandson. During the troubles of
the republic, these two citizens took contrary sides, the son siding with
the people, the father with the magistrates. When they took up arms in
1737, I was at Geneva, and saw the father and son quit the same house
armed, the one going to the townhouse, the other to his quarters, almost
certain to meet face to face in the course of two hours, and prepared to
give or receive death from each other. This unnatural sight made so
lively an impression on me, that I solemnly vowed never to interfere in
any civil war, nor assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms,
either personally or by my influence, should I ever enter into my rights
as a citizen. I can bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very
delicate occasion, and it will be confessed (at least I should suppose
so) that this moderation was of some worth.

But I had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which the
first sight of Geneva in arms has since excited in my heart, as may be
conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my advantage,
which I forgot to put in its proper place, but which ought not to be
omitted.

My uncle Bernard died at Carolina, where he had been employed some years
in the building of Charles Town, which he had formed the plan of. My
poor cousin, too, died in the Prussian service; thus my aunt lost, nearly
at the same period, her son and husband. These losses reanimated in some
measure her affection for the nearest relative she had remaining, which
was myself. When I went to Geneva, I reckoned her house my home, and
amused myself with rummaging and turning over the books and papers my
uncle had left. Among them I found some curious ones, and some letters
which they certainly little thought of. My aunt, who set no store by
these dusty papers, would willingly have given the whole to me, but I
contented myself with two or three books, with notes written by the
Minister Bernard, my grandfather, and among the rest, the posthumous
works of Rohault in quarto, the margins of which were full of excellent
commentaries, which gave me an inclination to the mathematics. This book
remained among those of Madam de Warrens, and I have since lamented that
I did not preserve it. To these I added five or six memorials in
manuscript, and a printed one, composed by the famous Micheli Ducret, a
man of considerable talents, being both learned and enlightened, but too
much, perhaps, inclined to sedition, for which he was cruelly treated by
the magistrates of Geneva, and lately died in the fortress of Arberg,

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where he had been confined many years, for being, as it was said,
concerned in the conspiracy of Berne.

This memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but ridiculous
plan of fortification, which had been adopted at Geneva, though censured
by every person of judgment in the art, who was unacquainted with the
secret motives of the council, in the execution of this magnificent
enterprise. Monsieur de Micheli, who had been excluded from the
committee of fortification for having condemned this plan, thought that,
as a citizen, and a member of the two hundred, he might give his advice,
at large, and therefore, did so in this memorial, which he was imprudent
enough to have printed, though he never published it, having only those
copies struck off which were meant for the two hundred, and which were
all intercepted at the post-house by order of the Senate.

   [The grand council of Geneva in December, 1728, pronounced this
   paper highly disrespectful to the councils, and injurious to the
   committee of fortification.]

I found this memorial among my uncle's papers, with the answer he had
been ordered to make to it, and took both. This was soon after I had
left my place at the survey, and I yet remained on good terms with the
Counsellor de Coccelli, who had the management of it. Some time after,
the director of the custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his
child, with Madam Coccelli, who was to be godmother: proud of being
placed on such terms of equality with the counsellor, I wished to assume
importance, and show myself worthy of that honor.

Full of this idea, I thought I could do nothing better than show him
Micheli's memorial, which was really a scarce piece, and would prove I
was connected with people of consequence in Geneva, who were intrusted
with the secrets of the state, yet by a kind of reserve which I should
find it difficult to account for, I did not show him my uncle's answer,
perhaps, because it was manuscript, and nothing less than print was
worthy to approach the counsellor. He understood, however, so well the
importance of this paper, which I had the folly to put into his hands,
that I could never after get it into my possession, and being convinced
that every effort for that purpose would be ineffectual, I made a merit
of my forbearance, transforming the theft into a present. I made no
doubt that this writing (more curious, however, than useful) answered his
purpose at the court of Turin, where probably he took care to be
reimbursed in some way or other for the expense which the acquisition of
it might be supposed to have cost him. Happily, of all future
contingencies, the least probable, is, that ever the King of Sardina
should besiege Geneva, but as that event is not absolutely impossible, I
shall ever reproach my foolish vanity with having been the means of
pointing out the greatest defects of that city to its most ancient enemy.

I passed three or four years in this manner, between music, magestry,
projects, and journeys, floating incessantly from one object to another,
and wishing to fix though I knew not on what, but insensibly inclining

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towards study. I was acquainted with men of letters, I had heard them
speak of literature, and sometimes mingled in the conversation, yet
rather adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained.
In my excursions to Geneva, I frequently called on my good old friend
Monsieur Simon, who greatly promoted my rising emulation by fresh news
from the republic of letters, extracted from Baillet on Colomies. I
frequently saw too, at Chambery, a Dominican professor of physic, a good
kind of friar, whose name I have forgotten, who often made little
chemical experiments which greatly amused me. In imitation of him, I
attempted to make some sympathetic ink, and having for that purpose more
than half filled a bottle with quicklime, orpiment, and water, the
effervescence immediately became extremely violent; I ran to unstop the
bottle, but had not time to effect it, for, during the attempt, it burst
in my face like a bomb, and I swallowed so much of the orpiment and lime,
that it nearly cost me my life. I remained blind for six weeks, and by
the event of this experiment learned to meddle no more with experimental
Chemistry while the elements were unknown to me.

This adventure happened very unluckily for my health, which, for some
time past, had been visibly on the decline. This was rather
extraordinary, as I was guilty of no kind of excess; nor could it have
been expected from my make, for my chest, being well formed and rather
capacious, seemed to give my lungs full liberty to play; yet I was short
breathed, felt a very sensible oppression, sighed involuntarily, had
palpitations of the heart, and spitting of blood, accompanied with a
lingering fever, which I have never since entirely overcome. How is it
possible to fall into such a state in the flower of one's age, without
any inward decay, or without having done anything to destroy health?

It is sometimes said, "the sword wears the scabbard," this was truly the
case with me: the violence of my passions both kept me alive and hastened
my dissolution. What passions? will be asked: mere nothings: the most
trivial objects in nature, but which affected me as forcibly as if the
acquisition of a Helen, or the throne of the universe were at stake.
My senses, for instance, were at ease with one woman, but my heart never
was, and the necessities of love consumed me in the very bosom of
happiness. I had a tender, respected and lovely friend, but I sighed for
a mistress; my prolific fancy painted her as such, and gave her a
thousand forms, for had I conceived that my endearments had been lavished
on Madam de Warrens, they would not have been less tender, though
infinitely more tranquil. But is it possible for man to taste, in their
utmost extent, the delights of love? I cannot tell, but I am persuaded
my frail existence would have sunk under the weight of them.

I was, therefore, dying for love without an object, and this state,
perhaps, is, of all others, the most dangerous. I was likewise uneasy,
tormented at the bad state of poor Madam de Warrens' circumstances, and
the imprudence of her conduct, which could not fail to bring them, in a
short time, to total ruin. My tortured imagination (which ever paints
misfortunes in the extremity) continually beheld this in its utmost
excess, and in all the horror of its consequences. I already saw myself

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forced by want to quit her--to whom I had consecrated my future life, and
without whom I could not hope for happiness: thus was my soul continually
agitated, and hopes and fears devoured me alternately.

Music was a passion less turbulent, but not less consuming, from the
ardor with which I attached myself to it, by the obstinate study of the
obscure books of Rameau; by an invincible resolution to charge my memory
with rules it could not contain; by continual application, and by long
and immense compilations which I frequently passed whole nights in
copying: but why dwell on these particularly, while every folly that took
possession of my wandering brain, the most transient ideas of a single
day, a journey, a concert, a supper, a walk, a novel to read, a play to
see, things in the world the least premeditated in my pleasures or
occupation became for me the most violent passions, which by their
ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious torments; even the
imaginary misfortunes of Cleveland, read with avidity and frequent
interruption, have, I am persuaded, disordered me more than my own.

There was a Genevese, named Bagueret, who had been employed under Peter
the Great, of the court of Russia, one of the most worthless, senseless
fellows I ever met with; full of projects as foolish as himself, which
were to rain down millions on those who took part in them. This man,
having come to Chambery on account of some suit depending before the
senate, immediately got acquainted with Madam de Warrens, and with great
reason on his side, since for those imaginary treasures that cost him
nothing, and which he bestowed with the utmost prodigality, he gained,
in exchange, the unfortunate crown pieces one by one out of her pocket.
I did not like him, and he plainly perceived this, for with me it is not
a very difficult discovery, nor did he spare any sort of meanness to gain
my good will, and among other things proposed teaching me to play at
chess, which game he understood something of. I made an attempt, though
almost against my inclination, and after several efforts, having learned
the march, my progress was so rapid, that before the end of the first
sitting I gave him the rook, which in the beginning he had given me.
Nothing more was necessary; behold me fascinated with chess! I buy a
board, with the rest of the apparatus, and shutting myself up in my
chamber, pass whole days and nights in studying all the varieties of the
game, being determined by playing alone, without end or relaxation, to
drive them into my head, right or wrong. After incredible efforts,
during two or three months passed in this curious employment, I go to the
coffee-house, thin, sallow, and almost stupid; I seat myself, and again
attack M. Bagueret: he beats me, once, twice, twenty times; so many
combinations were fermenting in my head, and my imagination was so
stupefied, that all appeared confusion. I tried to exercise myself with
Phitidor's or Stamina's book of instructions, but I was still equally
perplexed, and, after having exhausted myself with fatigue, was further
to seek than ever, and whether I abandoned my chess for a time, or
resolved to surmount every difficulty by unremitted practice, it was the
same thing. I could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the
first sitting, nay, I am convinced that had I studied it a thousand ages,
I should have ended by being able to give Bagueret the rook and nothing

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more.

It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it passed
in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable to persist
in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance of a corpse, and
had I continued this course much longer I should certainly have been one.

Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially in
the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to enjoy
continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my temper,
moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew weaker they
became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my rage for
travelling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy; vapors
succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed without
cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I only
trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my dear Madam
de Warrens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and leaving her in
these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At length I fell
quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother nursed a child. The
care she took of me was of real utility to her affairs, since it diverted
her mind from schemes, and kept projectors at a distance. How pleasing
would death have been at that time, when, if I had not tasted many of the
pleasures of life, I had felt but few of its misfortunes. My tranquil
soul would have taken her flight, without having experienced those cruel
ideas of the injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death.
I should have enjoyed the sweet consolation that I still survived in the
dearer part of myself: in the situation I then was, it could hardly be
called death; and had I been divested of my uneasiness on her account,
it would have appeared but a gentle sleep; yet even these disquietudes
had such an affectionate and tender turn, that their bitterness was
tempered by a pleasing sensibility. I said to her, "You are the
depository of my whole being, act so that I may be happy." Two or three
times, when my disorder was most violent, I crept to her apartment to
give her my advice respecting her future conduct; and I dare affirm these
admonitions were both wise and equitable, in which the interest I took in
her future concerns was strongly marked. As if tears had been both
nourishment and medicine, I found myself the better for those I shed with
her, while seated on her bed-side, and holding her hands between mine.
The hours crept insensibly away in these nocturnal discourses; I returned
to my chamber better than I had quitted it, being content and calmed by
the promises she made, and the hopes with which she had inspired me:
I slept on them with my heart at peace, and fully resigned to the
dispensations of Providence. God grant, that after having had so many
reasons to hate life, after being agitated with so many storms, after it
has even become a burden, that death, which must terminate all, may be no
more terrible than it would have been at that moment!

By inconceivable care and vigilance, she saved my life; and I am
convinced she alone could have done this. I have little faith in the
skill of physicians, but depend greatly on the assistance of real
friends, and am persuaded that being easy in those particulars on which

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our happiness depends, is more salutary than any other application. If
there is a sensation in life peculiarly delightful, we experienced it in
being restored to each other; our mutual attachment did not increase, for
that was impossible, but it became, I know not how, more exquisitely
tender, fresh softness being added to its former simplicity. I became in
a manner her work; we got into the habit, though without design, of being
continually with each other, and enjoying, in some measure, our whole
existence together, feeling reciprocally that we were not only necessary,
but entirely sufficient for each other's happiness. Accustomed to think
of no subject foreign to ourselves, our happiness and all our desires
were confined to that pleasing and singular union, which, perhaps, had no
equal, which is not, as I have before observed, love, but a sentiment
inexpressibly more intimate, neither depending on the senses, age, nor
figure, but an assemblage of every endearing sensation that composes our
rational existence and which can cease only with our being.

How was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual felicity
for the remainder of her life and mine? I have the consoling conviction
that it was not my fault; nay, I am persuaded, she did not wilfully
destroy it; the invincible peculiarity of my disposition was doomed soon
to regain its empire; but this fatal return was not suddenly
accomplished, there was, thank Heaven, a short but precious interval,
that did not conclude by my fault, and which I cannot reproach myself
with having employed amiss.

Though recovered from my dangerous illness, I did not regain my strength;
my stomach was weak, some remains of the fever kept me in a languishing
condition, and the only inclination I was sensible of, was to end my days
near one so truly dear to me; to confirm her in those good resolutions
she had formed; to convince her in what consisted the real charms of a
happy life, and, as far as depended on me, to render hers so; but I
foresaw that in a gloomy, melancholy house, the continual solitude of our
tete-a-tetes would at length become too dull and monotonous: a remedy
presented itself: Madam de Warrens had prescribed milk for me, and
insisted that I should take it in the country; I consented, provided she
would accompany me; nothing more was necessary to gain her compliance,
and whither we should go was all that remained to be determined on. Our
garden (which I have before mentioned) was not properly in the country,
being surrounded by houses and other gardens, and possessing none of
those attractions so desirable in a rural retreat; besides, after the
death of Anet, we had given up this place from economical principles,
feeling no longer a desire to rear plants, and other views making us not
regret the loss of that little retreat. Improving the distaste I found
she began to imbibe for the town, I proposed to abandon it entirely, and
settle ourselves in an agreeable solitude, in some small house, distant
enough from the city to avoid the perpetual intrusion of her hangers-on.
She followed my advice, and this plan, which her good angel and mine
suggested, might fully have secured our happiness and tranquility till
death had divided us--but this was not the state we were appointed to;
Madam de Warrens was destined to endure all the sorrows of indigence and
poverty, after having passed the former part of her life in abundance,

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that she might learn to quit it with the less regret; and myself, by an
assemblage of misfortunes of all kinds, was to become a striking example
to those who, inspired with a love of justice and the public good, and
trusting too implicitly to their own innocence, shall openly dare to
assert truth to mankind, unsupported by cabals, or without having
previously formed parties to protect them.

An unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan: she did not dare
to quit her ill-contrived house, for fear of displeasing the proprietor.
"Your proposed retirement is charming," said she, "and much to my taste,
but we are necessitated to remain here, for, on quitting this dungeon,
I hazard losing the very means of life, and when these fail us in the
woods, we must again return to seek them in the city. That we may have
the least possible cause for being reduced to this necessity, let us not
leave this house entirely, but pay a small pension to the Count of
Saint-Laurent, that he may continue mine. Let us seek some little
habitation, far enough from the town to be at peace, yet near enough to
return when it may appear convenient."

This mode was finally adopted; and after some small search, we fixed at
Charmettes, on an estate belonging to M. de Conzie, at a very small
distance from Chambery; but as retired and solitary as if it had been a
hundred leagues off. The spot we had concluded on was a valley between
two tolerably high hills, which ran north and south; at the bottom, among
the trees and pebbles, ran a rivulet, and above the declivity, on either
side, were scattered a number of houses, forming altogether a beautiful
retreat for those who love a peaceful romantic asylum. After having
examined two or three of these houses, we chose that which we thought the
most pleasing, which was the property of a gentleman of the army, called
M. Noiret. This house was in good condition, before it a garden, forming
a terrace; below that on the declivity an orchard, and on the ascent,
behind the house, a vineyard: a little wood of chestnut trees opposite; a
fountain just by, and higher up the hill, meadows for the cattle; in
short, all that could be thought necessary for the country retirement we
proposed to establish. To the best of my remembrance, we took possession
of it toward the latter end of the summer Of 1736. I was delighted on
going to sleep there--"Oh!" said I, to this dear friend, embracing her
with tears of tenderness and delight, "this is the abode of happiness and
innocence; if we do not find them here together it will be in vain to
seek them elsewhere."




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903

                                                                            157
BOOK VI.


         Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus
         Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons;
         Et paululum sylvae superhis forel.


I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the former
is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there,
it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and
felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people,
even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question.

At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and
rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived.
Precious and ever--regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful
course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you
actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according
to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How
shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without wearying my
readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated with the
enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I
could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe
what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt,
without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than
the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was
happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still
was happy!--Whether I rambled through the woods, over the hills, or
strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or
gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no
particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single
moment.

Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did,
said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or
followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but
here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment.
Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future,
but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming
recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever.
I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a
recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance
of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it
sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes.

Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some
idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at

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Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, she
was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen
would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest
of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and
said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never seen any
before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to
distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I
passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any
more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier in
1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the
summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle--vue',
I was then beginning to herbalize;--walking and looking among the bushes,
I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who
perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be
informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this
impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have been
produced by every occurrence of that time.

Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was
languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged
to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable
remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and
so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but
also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to
pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well,
that in the coarse of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until
that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly,
had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as
singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only
terminate with my existence.

One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a
small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution
throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as
a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a
moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so
violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it,
particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears,
which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first
a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of
water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before
mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my
pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult
was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me,
from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing.

My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke
of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with
apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the
doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running
over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after

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which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, 'in anima
vili', the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to
adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and
followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some
weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned
to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the
buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years'
time which has elapsed since that time.

Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose,
with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this
time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea
tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and
being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the
remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a
particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state,
exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should
have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor
was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal
wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not violent
enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I attempted to
run, or use any degree of exertion.

This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only
killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy
effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live
when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their
real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on
nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the
contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had
often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it;
consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject,
which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those
who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens,
therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the
theologians in the world would have been.

She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much
by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity
to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous,
being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and
prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like
themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him
wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because
they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls
disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never
overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if
he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for
however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must
lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made
up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God,

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saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible
justice, and eternal punishment.

She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should
He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was
necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than
he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell,
she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from
her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them
utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become
so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the
wicked are very troublesome company.

It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption
of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of
the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that
the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de
Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to
be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that
the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that
all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the
death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should
teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the
religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of
faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she
thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she
professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a
frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her
confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic,"
she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of
my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my
faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will
endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?"

Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she
would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they
seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was
required; and she would have done the same had there been no such
requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of
M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that
contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day,
without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that
particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not
more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution,
she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most
affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this
subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible
of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our
restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of
sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any
danger of offending the Almighty.

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Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this
particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated,
it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since
I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being
an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her
alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at
the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to
describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return
to myself.

Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the
fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and
security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I
would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed
ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I
had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state,
arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every
passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without
inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me.
What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to
encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could
possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons,
and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which
employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable
than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered
machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it.

The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the
year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society
of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and
returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was
particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and
thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it
without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful
look as I went towards Chambery.

Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the
amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de
Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He
was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke
tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and
instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions.
I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so
generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me
great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much
pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his
company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my
soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I
had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to
look after books which might better enable me to understand his

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discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable
to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather
to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called
'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the
knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times,
and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my
ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and
though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much
avidity as if certain I was to live forever.

I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am
rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but
also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful,
diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less
affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute
ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to
languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I
looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive
and only to be terminated by death.

This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but
delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had
been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon,
convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task
of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor
Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to
flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor.
I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the
use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health,
as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no
excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly
M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether
it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of
life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the
apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for
improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge
for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I
could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose
name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as
the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was
approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I
should have the happiness to return there.

I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture
with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible!
The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into
paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon
and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the
nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular,
that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the
country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often

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said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should
you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and
I promise you I shall recover."

Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength
would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our
garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the
spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I
stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to
my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore
confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove
--house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours
there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and
difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they
followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I
appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an
instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company
became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I
have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that
are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with
a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me
freely.

I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to
read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me.
I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be
acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from
thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance
from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I
was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and
sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying,
found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to
this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had
bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing,
seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length,
that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable
labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost.

When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he
perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they
mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is
impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the
human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as
the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite
study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve
was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change
my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a
distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various
branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that
I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united
with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but

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returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation
supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave
strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I
had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of
five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to
employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident
or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events
to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of
knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself
what most deserved cultivation.

In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had
never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably.
Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application
fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an
hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following
another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have
pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a
few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is
bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no
purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I
read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the
fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow
them with pleasure.

I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking
care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is
true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing
relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived
to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about
two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were
consequently neglected.

In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently
tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number,
though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to
inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the
different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a
manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the
portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual
ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or
three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius;
meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it
rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly
sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so
perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called
society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I
was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning
constituted a great part of my happiness.

I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of

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enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness
is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of
felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it;
because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable
incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently
guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the
same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at
length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the
following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose
every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard
into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery.
While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips,
but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful
nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never
love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the
little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to
contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my
thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore
worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts
were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice,
sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and
partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration
and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to
obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather
to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way
by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and
delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only
objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached
our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring,
and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the
house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their
opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read
the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back
I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure
as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which
the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this
was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with
the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long,
have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of
England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the
family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in
their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an
hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner;
beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal,
Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found
that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the
chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss
of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing
this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute
all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my
capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each

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author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering
my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering
into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by
laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my
understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and
make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method
is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with
a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after
others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself
possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own
account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities
of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what
I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and
frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to
exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost
their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of
being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'.

From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went
further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a
hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather
seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred
the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite
authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and
Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused
Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis
Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the
application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method
of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about:
resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like
playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by
calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the
square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other;
though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be
satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire
algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate
dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines,
could not rightly comprehend it.

After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never
made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without
success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last
forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a
man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory
more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which
at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an
easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found
it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not
by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to
read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write
that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found

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myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters.

Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I
never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet,
anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and
verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that
without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition
of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience
to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and
whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately
consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many
errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of
versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in
studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable
labor, as I have experienced more than any one.

At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my
friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and
when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite
to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so
indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting
till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was
fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I
had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat;
we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in
conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the
pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden;
these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a
day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly
interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the
hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they
could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they
stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that
let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the
hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been
surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any
danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when
once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so
great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it.

After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought
rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study.
I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general
any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I
employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read
without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history
and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as
much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an
inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of
chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had
neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement

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of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have
contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of
instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements
of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a
telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of
the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish
the stars without the help of a glass.

I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has
often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the
constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were
fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on
four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground,
turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a
candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out)
and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters;
this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time
referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various
constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a
terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people
passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in
these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere,
proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed
by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper,
marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the
telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole
an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My
figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat
put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam
de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of
a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was
the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry
further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened
their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story
spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that
a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to
Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence
of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my
conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits,
who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation
of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the
whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which
altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the
future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere
in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from
the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a
conjurer.

Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments,
for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my
strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little

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except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two
things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted
in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that
purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work,
I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating
something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and
continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned
and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this
time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a
great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the
dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about
something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or
the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there,
finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by
the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness
that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some
passage or other to myself.

The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most
read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my
confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell,
which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little
disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my
soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was
hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This
was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory
I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity
of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely
what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by
Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came
frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and
tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me,
which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I
cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at
Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the
library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the
idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and
though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find
myself in a disposition to hate them cordially.

I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in
the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my
studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding
every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented
me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant,
must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was
indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the
contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had
recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which
I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise
the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject,

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I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my
usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the
height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of
prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this
stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a
sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said
this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so
happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a
difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large
and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know
not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at
myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate
yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I
swear to you that I feel it most sensibly.

These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were
only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on
my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy
than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found
among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made
to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with
serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or
mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of
what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded
the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near
wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past,
nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul
being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a
lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures
that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them
as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is
because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights
which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found
it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet
inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child,
or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel;
for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise.
Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in
the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these
were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as
myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our
hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my
memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we
set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break
of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended
for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our
dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before;
the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though
rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and
wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting
from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of

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ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up
prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired
to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to
this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze
agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds,
serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at
a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions
we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After
dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried
sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with
herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her
in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural
beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a
taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was
arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me,
which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my
mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object
that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I
had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an
account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected
me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de
Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been
promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means,
is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am
sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life."

Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing
that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of
my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another
course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the
remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the
country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little
she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most
of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised
with pleasure.

Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field,
then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of
agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the
way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this
passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was
certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant
disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits;
however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless,
and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form,
this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the
light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual
employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out
of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover
my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook
her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this

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naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from
books and study, was serviceable to my health.

The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some
books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of
Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for
the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some
time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to
Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at
least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what
had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been
resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had
occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being
particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against
him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and
respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to
be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great
project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm
the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this
instance of their former partiality.

I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having
changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less
harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his
religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights,
however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how,
reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty
that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not
lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who
enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities
adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books,
than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with
joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her
hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it
into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls,
who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration;
indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been
employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter.

My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as
death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries
was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual
oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could
scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without
vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most
tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is
certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors
is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I
frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling
of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm
of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness,

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and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We
are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not
suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences,
the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness
of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame
would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to
particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life;
after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to
regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional
misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty,
and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer
than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age,
and in the bosom of real happiness.

To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other
readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude,
movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed
the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected
to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to
find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read
the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not
been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this
study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I
had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet
suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent
inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when
once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting,
and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was
a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the
idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution
of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the
contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy
for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure.

In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical
garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been
informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I
fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this
circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to
inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery
gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from
Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading,
entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set
out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the
cure I was in search of.

Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at
Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a
rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new
married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage,
not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride

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was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far
as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity
it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an
acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them;
but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged
to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any
backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very
unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired,
for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health,
particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens
extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming
acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was
precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much
surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much
attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate
in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young
friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold
me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques,
or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished
when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject
of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to
Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the
appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did
not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road.

In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take
chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed
the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without
thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them
conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination
turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion,
and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable,
but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a
great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable.

As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little
account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly,
for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the
very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what
whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in
consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and
was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the
name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who
was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill
--tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He
spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of
St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally
unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the
account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such
fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this
dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I

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did not know a single word of.

The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of
separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived
one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I
accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest
reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and
conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own
account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part
to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not
easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I
should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my
figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous
idea there was no folly I was not guilty of.

Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser
man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious
her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what
increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her.
I frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is
not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am
inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make
her determined to get the better of it.

We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the
Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the
most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather
ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at
seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed
unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her
inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms
must have given me that confidence I could not presume to take from the
kindness of the lady, if by a surmise, which no one but myself could
have blundered on, I had not imagined they perfectly understood each
other, and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule. This foolish
idea completed my stupidity, making me act the most ridiculous part,
while, had I listened to the feelings of my heart, I might have been
performing one far more brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de
Larnage was not disgusted at my folly, and did not discard me with
disdain; but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than
indifference in my composition.

We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed
the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St.
James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage
proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this
was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to
make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of
the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she
answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she
held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced

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of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was
amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth:
and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient
to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy
circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but
the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at,
ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the
satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though
ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to
surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the
ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to
say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for
that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more
favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing
her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too
plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that
confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from
appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue,
spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my
mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some
difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them.

Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman.
I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither
old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit
and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to
see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to
adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so
prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden
and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but
charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was
more influenced than her passions.

Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not
that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me
as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his
mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine
he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely
deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than
myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it
was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility, than he
constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially
after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he
perhaps gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he
was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error,
for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies
in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for,
proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to
discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man.

We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere

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excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would
willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied
with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to
provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his
master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be
close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the
house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our
rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days,
during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and
serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and,
I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the
world without having tasted real pleasure.

If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a
very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so
delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind
of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our
happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that
was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her
which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de
Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times
more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always
disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it
impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of
so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing
to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage,
I was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while
my triumph redoubled every other charm.

I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in
this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar,
where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and
accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that
travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I
should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed
through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there
two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an
hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a
number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore
excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care this
should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most charming
country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days!
what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return
again.

The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we
should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary
of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort
each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and
it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier
(which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in

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such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and
spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on
what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say;
and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the
care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be
attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might
happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and
gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her
favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very
affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she
would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought
pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I
could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full
of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment
to me.

While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over
everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well
satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could
ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited
my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead
there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the
whole universe besides was nothing to me--even Madam de Warrens was
forgotten!--I set about combining all the details by which Madam de
Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the
neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything
charming.

She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of
maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of an
amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had
not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de
Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects of
my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised
to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining
monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the
hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my
expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the
Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and
sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a
desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more
striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is
nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength
could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And
what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a
place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most
ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn.
This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken
care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the
Pont-du-Gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency.


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On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far
more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less
impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already
exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in
the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb
circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier
fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and
confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and
surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less
beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and
neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable
impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no
monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor
preserve anything that is already finished to their hands.

I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I
stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment
and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in
Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate
situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and
variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a
table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game,
and choice wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are
only to be expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty
five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this
footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at
length lost it entirely.

During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them
again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but
every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less
troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been
suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal
disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the
mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the
latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the
vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my
complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously
when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam
de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous
practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of
precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named
Fitz-Morris.

This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic;
and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented
himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took
nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook
to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my
health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as
to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I

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am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison
were so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that
M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris;
notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with hunger, and all
the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was
really serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had
latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines,
particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were those
of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was
regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters
for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue,
with some of our young boarders, who were all very good lads; after this
we assembled for dinner; when this was over, an affair of importance
employed the greater part of us till night; this was going a little way
out of town to take our afternoon's collation, and make up two or three
parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did
not play myself but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success
of my wager, followed the players and their balls over rough and stony
roads, procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise.
We took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need
not observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit
that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house were very
pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself) was our
president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness
that is generally bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous
dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal
number of men: they were rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry
than libertine.

I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so
entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a
continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I
endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for Saint-Andiol.
The time now drew near for my departure; every letter Madam de Larnage
wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length I prepared to obey
her.

I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my
disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me
accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and
philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of
what they can explain, and making their knowledge the measure of
possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my illness,
therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume to doubt
the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only meant to
amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their substitute at
Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be infinitely more
agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference; full, therefore, of
this wise resolution, I quitted Montpelier.

I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two

                                                                            181
months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my health
or understanding being the better for it, except from a short course of
anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged to abandon,
from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I found it
impossible to endure.

Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this
expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was
equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on
Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent
than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that
passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so
lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of pleasure,
I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen wholly to
the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of an
adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the beginning;
for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there should be one
person who had been in England, or who knew the English or anything of
their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage
might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely;
her daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of
her than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in love with this
girl, and that very fear had already half done the business. Was I
going, in return for the mother's kindness, to seek the ruin of the
daughter? To sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her
family? The very idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest
resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so
unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to this danger?
How miserable must the situation be to live with the mother, whom I
should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without daring to make
known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this situation, and
expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for the sake of
pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted? For I was sensible
this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With these thoughts were
mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and
generous friend, who already loaded with debts, would become more so from
the foolish expenses I was running into, and whom I was deceiving so
unworthily. This reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed
over every temptation, and on approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I
formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from
Saint-Andiol, and continue my journey right forward to Chambery.

I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but
with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in
my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty
to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since
these had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous
principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and
honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame of
possessing so little stability, and contradicting so egregiously my own
maxims, triumphed over the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after all,

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pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue; but if this pride is
not virtue itself, its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in
deceiving ourselves.

One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul
to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness,
that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes
we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I
became another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred,
and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either
concealed or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions,
I continued my journey, intending to regulate my future conduct by the
laws of virtue, and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of
friends, to whom I vowed as much fidelity in future as I felt real
attachment. The sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a
better destiny; but mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at
the very moment when my heart, full of good and virtuous sentiments, was
contemplating only innocence and happiness through life, I touched on the
fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes!

My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than I
meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and
hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation,
which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the
time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of
seeing her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that
expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always
succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected no
less this time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have been
well worth the trouble of contriving them.

I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable distance,
looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me.
The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at length I
arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the town. I
see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am seized
with terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; all is
quiet; the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and far
from observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see me,
not knowing I was expected. I go up--stairs, at length see her!--that
dear friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran
towards her, and threw myself at her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art
thou returned then!" embracing me at the same time. "Have you had a
good journey? How do you do?" This reception amused me for some
moments. I then asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered
"Yes."--"I should have thought not," replied I; and the information
concluded there. A young man was with her at this time. I recollected
having seen him in the house before my departure, but at present he
seemed established there; in short, he was so; I found my place already
supplied!


                                                                            183
This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named
Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself,
Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a
journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he
first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him kindly, as
she did all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a
tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a
mind of the same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy,
and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long
history of his gallantry and success; naming, according to his account,
not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never
to have dressed the head of a pretty woman, without having likewise
decorated her husband's; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was
the worthy substitute taken in my absence, and the companion offered me
on my return!

O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the
bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and
respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my
own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to
myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall!
How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible
goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate
for your foibles, if a subversion of reason alone can be called such.
You had errors, but not vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your
heart was ever pure.

The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little
commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the
laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was
seen or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable,
farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor
being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive
the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or
pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his might.
I know not how many men's labor he performed, but he certainly made noise
enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor
Madam de Warrens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to
attach him to herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that
purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her
person.

Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some
judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere,
particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden
and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of
this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw
all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all the
charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; and
I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for
a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw myself utterly

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alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever
gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and
hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my
existence seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the
melancholy remains of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of
happiness glanced through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural
to me, and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched.

I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great,
that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked
on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warrens, which
rendered her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real
situation had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to make
this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment,
could my heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this connection as
quite immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached me with
negligence in the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent absence,
as though she had been in haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said I, my
heart bursting with the most poignant grief, "what do you dare to inform
me of? Is this the reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many
times preserved my life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that
could render it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave,
but you will regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquillity
sufficient to distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did
not die from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less
sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to me
could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave me to
understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good
fortune of this new favorite.

Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear more
evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more
forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her
knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I, with the most
violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and too
truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of
your favors has continued to increase with my affection. I cannot
preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall ever have
my adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary than all you
can bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights;
it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather
would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love."

I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the
sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman
but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this
resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived;
yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by
insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so
well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure,
and which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of

                                                                            185
hers, and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing
my happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of
myself. The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my
affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from
mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment.

Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my
misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the
fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this
disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of
hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely
wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to
make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy
of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But
the similarity of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and
enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor
commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to
succeed. Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet
found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge
of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them
useful. All these were wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in
me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary
he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he
thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws,
hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books:
and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable;
but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with
laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman;
presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de Warrens
herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he
therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter
appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married.

At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of
consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing.
When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens,
and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to
all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he
performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle
spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a
bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to
do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to
be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he
was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies
continued in the same proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and
his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost
impossible to be pleased with him. Not content with a most charming
woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid,
whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure,
though it was absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new
inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which

                                                                            186
affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything
had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam
de Warrens towards me.

The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve,
is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. Take the
most sensible; the most philosophic female, one the least attached to
pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found
the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the
man. This rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so
natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on
virtue, attachment and esteem, I no longer found with her that union of
hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me
but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they
were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was
scarcely ever consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with
my company, but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would
hardly have missed me.

Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had
formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had
enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard
everything that, passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid
continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept
and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable;
I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from
her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to
see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated.

I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she,
far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at
Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of
friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens
proposed my educating M. Malby's children; I accepted this offer, and
departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the least
regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before,
would have given us both the most excruciating torments.

I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and
flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I
passed at M. Malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular.
The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the
employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went
favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an
angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my pupils did not
understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any symptoms of an
untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could have killed them;
which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise. I had
two under my care, and they were of very different tempers. St. Marie,
who was between eight and nine years old, had a good person and quick
apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful and mischievous; but his

                                                                            187
mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, named Condillac,
appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, and seemed
incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both I did not
want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded;
but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited
very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very weak,
and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning,
passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could
not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him;
as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such
emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he
could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments,
concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a
logician.

The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither
understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an
obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had succeeded
in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, and I the
child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers of my
pupils, and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of seeing
the evil, without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration was
unavailing, since it never prevented any mischief; and everything I
undertook failed, because all I did to effect my designs was precisely
what I ought not to have done.

I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in
what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her
friend Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and endeavor
to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this account,
wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I was so
awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop there.
This, however, did not prevent me from falling in love with her,
according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she
could not avoid observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and
as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became weary
of my sighs and ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of
purpose.

I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam de
Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to
steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered
me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking they certainly
did so; but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer
temptations, than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity, and I
should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my infancy, were I yet
subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of this at M. Malby's,
when, though surrounded by a number of little things that I could easily
have pilfered, and which appeared no temptation, I took it into my head
to covert some white Arbois wine, some glasses of which I had drank at
table, and thought delicious. It happened to be rather thick, and as I

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fancied myself an excellent finer of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this
was accordingly trusted to my care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled
it, though to the sight only, for it remained equally agreeable to the
taste. Profiting by this opportunity, I furnished myself from time to
time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment; but unluckily,
I could never drink without eating; the difficulty lay therefore,
in procuring bread. It was impossible to make a reserve of this article,
and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself,
and insulting the master of the house; I could not bear to purchase it
myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword at his side, enter a
baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it was utterly impossible.
At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who,
on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then
let them eat pastry!" Yet even this resource was attended with a
difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very purpose, running
over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook's shops, without
daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it was necessary
there should be only one person in the shop, and that person's
physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the
threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and I shut up
in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the
bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading
a few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read
while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch
alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed, as if my book dined with
me.

I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been
intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet
they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was
taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this
Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being
really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his
employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon
goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be
expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane.

Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made
my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length,
disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a
situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a
year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my
engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should
never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as
clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have
dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of
condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify.

What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I
was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had
quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees,

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fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to
give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our
pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and
heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything as
it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot
to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more see
her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer
resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it
might cost me. I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient,
complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the
terms of tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had
hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to
execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and
arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more
at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I found in
her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I had
formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of.

Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in
vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die
with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled,
and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more
convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was
in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from;
yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for
Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more
pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary
person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could never cease
being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house where I had
been the child? The sight of every object that had been witness to my
former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should
have suffered less in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled
such pleasing remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my
loss.

Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I
resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my
books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling
the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means
to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no other
resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse;
but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed
her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance;
such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay
in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something
he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was
in arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly
foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in
short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment
appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors.


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My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies
for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil
of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us,
and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in
the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which
I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine
in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by
that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence,
which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart.

In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the
contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well
informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me
to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at
sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of
noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most
people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the
signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had
before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of
having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by
the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and
quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision
of it, I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it
successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by
figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I
supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom
I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on
presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture.
I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale
of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both
formed and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had
inspired, and which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from
Savoy with my new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with
my heron-fountain.

Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the
history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper
years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with
the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must
forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to
the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory
reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say--they will
then understand why I am now silent.




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)


                                                                            191
Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK VII.


After two years' silence and patience, and notwithstanding my
resolutions, I again take up my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment
as to the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be no
judge until you shall have read my book.

My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without
any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This mediocrity was
mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking
than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent agitations, but
returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in
an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a
distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of
great vices, never permitted me to arrive at anything great, either good
or bad. What a different account will I soon have to give of myself!
Fate, which for thirty years forced my inclinations, for thirty others
has seemed to oppose them; and this continued opposition, between my
situation and inclinations, will appear to have been the source of
enormous faults, unheard of misfortunes, and every virtue except that
fortitude which alone can do honor to adversity.

The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is
consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part
from memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous.
The agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with
so much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand
charming impressions which I love incessantly to call to my recollection.
It will soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life
have been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness.
Far from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections,
I repel them as much as possible, and in this endeavor often succeed so
well as to be unable to find them at will. This facility of forgetting
my misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven has reserved to me in the
midst of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head. My
memory, which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable, is the
happy counterpoise of my terrified imagination, by which I foresee
nothing but a cruel futurity.

All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in
this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again
hope to regain them.

I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain of

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the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked,
and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of
the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot forget my
faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance of these
is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may
omit facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I
cannot be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment
I have done; and to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The
real object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of
what I interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have
promised the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have no
need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have hitherto
done, will alone be sufficient.

There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years,
relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters
copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This
collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my
residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called
themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source
of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more recent original
letters which may remain in my possession, and are but few in number,
instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection, too
voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my Arguses, I will
copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation,
be this either for or against myself; for I am not under the least
apprehension lest the reader should forget I make my confession, and be
induced to believe I make my apology; but he cannot expect I shall
conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor.

The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in
common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over it,
but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior to
the former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and at
my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to recollect
was a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased pleasure,
and, without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions which most
flattered my imagination.

At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost
incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the
result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to
treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances
equally afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the
obscurity of time, every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of
myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same time, under the
necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and of
descending to things the most foreign to my nature. The ceiling under
which I write has eyes; the walls of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by
spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my
attention diverted, I hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences,

                                                                            193
which I have scarcely time to read, and still less to correct. I know
that, notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me, my
enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening. What
means can I take to introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt
with but few hopes of success. The reader will judge whether or not such
a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving
them a seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to
read this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the
prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more fully
acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love of
justice and truth.

In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with
infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there
building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the
feet of mamma, restored to herself, with the treasures I should have
acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain
fortune.

I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of
recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had
brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam
de Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to
dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I
had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a visit
to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; among
others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de Caylus.
These were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, to whose
friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, in our
private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more
exactly followed.

I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who
had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real
pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me
from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant
for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced me
to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. Pallu
presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come and see
him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great acquaintance,
of which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was never of the most
trifling utility to me.

I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in
my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a
cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he ever
asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen each
other. I, however, made him a present, something like an equivalent.
I would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned in question;
but I have to speak of what I have done, which, unfortunately, is far
from being the same thing.

                                                                            194
I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the
effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present he
had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in the
diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most benevolent
of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him ten years,
and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of
heart. It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, or to leave
her without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of a man, than
the nature of his attachments.

   [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he
   attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary
   concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were
   this consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must
   be judged of by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus,
   which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made.
   However, let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She
   is weak and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by
   her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.]

Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good
and amiable Parisot.

I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected
them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which
so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has
never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my
heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than assiduously
have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude in
correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to
relax, the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me
aggravate it, and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been
silent, and appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the
least notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But,
twenty years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree
the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels
himself neglected.

Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again
saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most
tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken
in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M.
de Malby's.

Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made
the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe
her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with
her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her
partiality.


                                                                            195
She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our
situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the
views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to
understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain
her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to
be an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she
would be happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he
afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love,
I hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming
woman, prayers, which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time
was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third
year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly
absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these
circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently done
the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may
sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance
they leave deeply engravers in our hearts.

I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared
to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of its
brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in consequence of
an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel St. Quentin, Rue
des Cordier, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a miserable hotel, and a
wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in which several men of
merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, Condillac, and several
others, of whom unfortunately I found not one, had taken up their
quarters; but I there met with M. Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the
world, lame, litigious, and who affected to be a purist. To him I owe
the acquaintance of M. Roguin, at present the oldest friend I have and by
whose means I became acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have
occasion to say a good deal.

I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my purse,
and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my pocket.
These composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time to lose
before I attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I therefore
immediately thought of making use of my recommendations.

A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces
himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good
fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything
solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were
useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry,
and I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze,
Secretary of the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of the
king's cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the 'Clavecin
oculaire'.--[ocular harpsichord.]

All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by
the Abbe de Malby.


                                                                            196
M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two
persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, 'president
a mortier' of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon
the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the Sorbonne,
a young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of his age,
after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world under the
name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an inclination
to learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few months, by
which means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The Abbe Leon
conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but
he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was
eight hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it
was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food, and
clothing.

I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of
which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de
Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined
with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her
presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more
remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my
fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which made her
give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that I might not
see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the head of the
rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of wit.
M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to dine
with him every Friday, the day on which the Academy of Sciences met. He
mentioned to him my project, and the desire I had of having it examined
by the academy. M. de Reaumur consented to make the proposal, and his
offer was accepted. On the day appointed I was introduced and presented
by M. de Reaumur, and on the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor
to read to the academy the memoir I had prepared for that purpose.
Although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to
inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion than I had
been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably well through
my reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The memoir was well
received, and acquired me some compliments by which I was equally
surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an assembly, whoever
was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The persons appointed
to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. de Fouchy, all
three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, at least not
enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project.

During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less
certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer
prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have.
However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I
answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with
decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any
explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the
facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted,

                                                                            197
without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that
a monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting
the gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new.
This might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of
Father Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven
notes without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view,
worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious
invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music,
keys, rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which
Souhaitti had never thought it was nevertheless true, that with respect
to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first
inventor.

But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than
was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of the
fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest
advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that
the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the
change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These
gentlemen had heard from the music--masters of Paris that the method of
executing by transposition was a bad one; and on this authority converted
the most evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection
against it, and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal
music, but bad for instrumental; instead of concluding as they ought to
have done, that it was good for vocal, and still better for instrumental.
On their report the academy granted me a certificate full of fine
compliments, amidst which it appeared that in reality it judged my system
to be neither new nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with
such a paper the work entitled 'Dissertation sur la musique moderne', by
which I appealed to the public.

I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow
understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable
for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a
cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in
question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was
made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered
its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are very good inasmuch as they
clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent
intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common
notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their
requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the
rapidity of execution. The position of our notes," continued he, "is
described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two
notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of
intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to the
other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series,
I must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance
of the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me
insurmountable, and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple
and striking, nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of

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the art, and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the
academicians should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise
is, that these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so
much knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his
judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been
conversant.

My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the
other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the
most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means the
acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission
amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already established.
With respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new system of music,
I obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the
art, and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, in the fine arts,
is in Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut myself in my chamber
and labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor, in forming
into a work for the public eye, the memoir I had read before the academy.
The difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this
on account of the necessary expenses for new characters, and because
booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors; although
to me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten
while employed in its composition.

Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to
divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the
whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I
lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from
that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although
the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and,
notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably.

The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear,
in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to learn
it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, that
to learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be gained
by beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught music
gratis to a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M.
Roguin had brought me acquainted. In three months she read every kind of
music, by means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did
myself, any piece that was not too difficult. This success was
convincing, but not known; any other person would have filled the
journals with the detail, but with some talents for discovering useful
things, I never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage.

Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty
years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle.
The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by
whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention.
I had just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of
relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to

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my indolence and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for
its assistance with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow
expenditure of a few louis, which still remained in my possession,
regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it;
going to the coffee-house but every other day, and to the theatre but
twice a week. With respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I
had no retrenchment to make; never having in the whole course of my life
applied so much as a farthing to that use except once, of which I shall
soon have occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and
confidence with which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary
life, which I had not the means of continuing for three months, is one of
the singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The
extreme desire I had, the public should think of me was precisely what
discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying visits
rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased visiting the
academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had cultivated an
acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were almost the
only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I showed my
comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the goodness to
make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was much
about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we
conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary
projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which
lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I,
unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with himself.

It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short
and precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances
forced me to beg my bread:--in learning by memory passages from the poets
which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning at ten
o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a Rousseau in
my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed away the time in
restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, without being
discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, what I had
learned the evening before. I recollected that after the defeat of
Nicias at Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood by
reciting the poems of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward
off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by
rote.

I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which I
regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to the
theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, and
all the great chess players of the day, without making the least
improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I
should become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a
sufficient resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every
folly to which I felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels
in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let
us therefore excel, no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after;
opportunities will present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest.

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This childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my
indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have been
necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to flatter my idleness,
and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled from my own eyes the
shame of such a state.

I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and
had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the
coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen
myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father
Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see
me thus impoverish myself to no purpose. "Since musicians and the
learned," said he, "do not sing by your scale, change the string, and
apply to the women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have
spoken of you to Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good
woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You
will find at her house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of
wit. Madam Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her
your work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No
thing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which
the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but
never touch."

After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at
length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me
with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to
her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to
us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her
harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention.
Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I prepared to take my leave.
Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are at a great distance from the
quarter of the town in which you reside; stay and dine here." I did not
want asking a second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards,
I understood, by a word, that the dinner to which she had invited me was
that of her servants' hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of
woman, but of a confined understanding, and too full of her illustrious
Polish nobility: she had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this
occasion, likewise, she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress,
which, although very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a
man to dine with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place
where they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my
anger to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a
trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return home,
and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie approached her
mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect.
Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going, and said, "I expect
that you will do us the honor to dine with us." In this case I thought
to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I determined to stay. The
goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an impression upon me, and
rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very glad to dine with her,
and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would not regret having

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procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the
family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master
of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean
Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not
to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I
always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into which
I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being unable to
justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor.

After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an
epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This
fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of
reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or
really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to
her mother: "Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter
to dine with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had been
rather burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam
de Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, thought
I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a favorite with
fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the
Count de -----. "This book," said she, "is a Mentor, of which you will
stand in need in the great world. You will do well by sometimes
consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment
of gratitude to her from whose hand I had received it, although I
frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in
gallantry. From the moment I had read the work, I was desirous of
acquiring the friendship of the author. My inclination led me right; he
is the only real friend I ever possessed amongst men of letters.

   [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced
   of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided
   to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J.
   never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their
   victim.]

From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the
Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they
would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived.
But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced
more lasting consequences.

Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel
Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be
called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank,
and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest
of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of Conti;
an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her
charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness.
Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her sisters, and the
only one who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct.


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She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother
gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense
fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her in his
province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still one of the
finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were
uncovered, her hair dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged.
This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my poor head, I became
confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam
Dupin.

My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She
kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my
plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner,
and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my
brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the
permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice
or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared
attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural timidity.
Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and
in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against
myself.

Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found
nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house,
at that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by
societies the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed
were chosen on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of
seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men of
letters, and fine women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes,
ambassadors, and blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of
Forcalquier, Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey,
passed for her intimate friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint
Pierre, and Saltier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. de
Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner did
not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater awe, as
it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no
reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part
in the midst of such superior talents. I therefore had not courage to
speak; but no longer able to contain myself, I took a resolution to
write. For the first two days she said not a word to me upon the
subject. On the third day, she returned me my letter, accompanying it
with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I attempted to speak, but
my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion was extinguished with my
hopes, and after a declaration in form I continued to live with her upon
the same terms as before, without so much as speaking to her even by the
language of the eyes.

I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil,
son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with
herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions.
This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his

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mother-in-law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition,
with whom, as well as with her husband, she lived upon the best of
terms. M. de Francueil was fond of talents in others, and cultivated
those he possessed. Music, which he understood very well, was a means
of producing a connection between us. I frequently saw him, and he soon
gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly gave me to understand that
Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent, and begged me to discontinue
them. Such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my
letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, and without any new cause, it
appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my situation the more singular,
as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued to give me the same good
reception as before.

I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should
entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another
unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of
her son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that interval.
I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of
obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not have undertaken
to pass eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given me herself for
the recompense.

M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him.
We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be
nearer at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the
Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M.
Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an
inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my
younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders,
pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and
which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its
image.

During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and
to lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding the
fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an
inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening
preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer;
the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the
talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still
thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I
sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better
than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an
opera, and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an
undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so
much as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write
the words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the
poetry to my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession
of my mind during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed
songs, duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little
pieces, 'di prima infenzione', perhaps worthy of the admiration of

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masters, could they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be
taken of the dreams of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things
would sometimes proceed from his delirium!

These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my
convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent
meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an
impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music.
This was not the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst
I was at Chambery I had composed an opera entitled 'Iphis and Anaxarete',
which I had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons I had
composed another, entitled 'La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde', which, after
having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and others, had
met the same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue and the first
act to music, and although David, after examining the composition, had
told me there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini.

Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic
ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from
each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each
subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes.
My first act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in
tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake of
the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and
applied to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the
delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One
evening, as I entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and
overpowered by my ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned to
my apartment, locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains,
that every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning
myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum', and in seven or
eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly
say my love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment)
and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother,
procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed in the
arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a very little
of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, almost effaced
by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the energy of the
pieces of which it was the scattered remains.

I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted
by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam
de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not
forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just
been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by
Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the
Chevalier de Montaigu, 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin, was
acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French
academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the
ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was
opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an

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employment which required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was
unwilling to give more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the
journey at my own expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not
agree, and M. de Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my
departure, prevailed.

I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him
another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the
office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they
quarrelled. Bollau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him
there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of
the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to
succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of
wit, by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the
place of secretary, prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres.
I was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey, and immediately
departed.

At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to
see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as
well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a
passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to whom
I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, wrote
letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, however,
an accident considerably prolonged.

It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had
anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and
this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and
difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one--and--twenty days.

The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the
Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the
Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the
impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed,
made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to
a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither
window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or
bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was
shut in by great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to
walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere
finding the same solitude and nakedness.

This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the
Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to
arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done for
my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying the
vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of these,
by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish the
chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and
shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my

                                                                            206
robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made
myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the
other. I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed,
in the manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a
word, I so well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and
windows, I was almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto,
absolutely empty as it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue
Verdelet. My dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were
escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my
dining--room, the landing-place my table, and the steps served me for a
seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to
inform me I might sit down to table.

Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the
furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the
Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended
to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see
the ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and
should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the
least weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found
means to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured
eight days of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his
house, where I confess I found myself better lodged than in the
Lazaretto. He was extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a
good creature: he introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to
several families, the company of which I found very entertaining and
agreeable; and I formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence
which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my
journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie,
and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently
expected by the ambassador.

I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other
ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read,
although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having
been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I
was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I found
nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had deciphered the
whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not to mention the
little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a
man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even
the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much
embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was
very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To
this he was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de
Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from
France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy,
and after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to manage them until
he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this discharge of
his duty by another, although he himself was incapable of it, became
disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived deprived him of the

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functions of secretary to the embassy to give them to me. They were
inseparable from the title, and he told me to take it. As long as I
remained with him he never sent any person except myself under this title
to the senate, or to conference, and upon the whole it was natural enough
he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to
him, to a consul or a clerk of office named by the court.

This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen,
who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from
disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of
the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by
maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his
neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it;
a privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend.
But I never permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would
have produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have
disdained to partake. He thought proper, however, to claim a part of
those of the secretaryship, which is called the chancery. It was in time
of war, and there were many passports issued. For each of these
passports a sequin was paid to the secretary who made it out and
countersigned it. All my predecessors had been paid this sequin by
Frenchmen and others without distinction. I thought this unjust, and
although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished it in favor of the French;
but I so rigorously demanded my right from persons of every other nation,
that the Marquis de Scotti, brother to the favorite of the Queen of
Spain, having asked for a passport without taking notice of the sequin: I
sent to demand it; a boldness which the vindictive Italian did not
forget. As soon as the new regulation I had made, relative to passports,
was known, none but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most
mispronounced, called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians,
came to demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe,
and I am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my
sequin, and that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to
tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I
had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me
his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I
ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time
equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness,
than concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted,
and I grew warm. "No, sir," said I, with some heat, "your excellency may
keep what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I
will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from
passports." Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had
recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had
appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I
should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject,
and from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax,
wax-candle, tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me
to the amount of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a
small part of the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good
creature, and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any

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such thing. If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an
equivalent, and we always lived together on the best of terms.

On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions,
I found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been,
considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an
ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and
obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and
some information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The
next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis
Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he
wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the
union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good
advice, which might have been of essential service, had not the other, by
joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only
business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage the
Venetians to maintain their neutrality. These did not neglect to give
the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at the
same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops,
and even recruits under pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I
believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on
his part, notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the
government in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate
an article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor
wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the agent
of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes rendered my
employment insupportable and the functions of it almost impracticable.
For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his despatches to the
king, and of those to the minister, being written in cipher, although
neither of them contained anything that required that precaution. I
represented to him that between the Friday, the day the despatches from
the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours were sent off, there was
not sufficient time to write so much in cipher, and carry on the
considerable correspondence with which I was charged for the same
courier. He found an admirable expedient, which was to prepare on
Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the
next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that notwithstanding
all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of
attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time I
afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose
words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial
circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place.
Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the
Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent
off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily
made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which
ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and
which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent
back all information to its respective source, instead of making it
follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to
M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M. d' Havrincourt, the news from Sweden;

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to M. de Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those
the news they had respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to
dress up in terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us.
As he read nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for
the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them,
this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the
latter, and in these therefore I made the articles of information cross
each other. But it was impossible for-me to do the same by despatches of
importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de Montaigu did not take
it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his
manner. This obliged me to return, and hastily transcribe the whole
despatch decorated with his new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher,
without which he would have refused his signature. I was frequently
almost tempted, for the sake of his reputation, to cipher something
different from what he had written, but feeling that nothing could
authorize such a deception, I left him to answer for his own folly,
satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom, and discharged
at my own peril the duties of my station. This is what I always did with
an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his part a very
different recompense from that which in the end I received from him. It
was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me with a happy
disposition, what the education that had been given me by the best of
women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for, and I became so.
Left to my own reflections, without a friend or advice, without
experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a foreign nation,
surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own interest, and to
avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to prevail upon me to
imitate them; far from yielding to their solicitations, I served France
well, to which I owed nothing, and the ambassador still better, as it was
right and just I should do to the utmost of my power. Irreproachable in
a post, sufficiently exposed to censure, I merited and obtained the
esteem of the republic, that of all the ambassadors with whom we were in
correspondence, and the affection of the French who resided at Venice,
not even excepting the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in the
functions which I knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more
embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction.

M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did
not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that
without me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that an
ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without being
heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became disgusted
and no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to which indeed he
never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it was his duty to
have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, all the services
in my power. In any other country I should have done more, but, on
account of my employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was
often obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in
the country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented
him from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving him
unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures, which

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sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh. No
person would suspect it was to me, the lovers of the theatre at Paris,
owe Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing however, can be more true.
Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his children in the
Italian company, and after having received two thousand livres for the
expenses of his journey, instead of setting out for France, quietly
continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in the theatre of Saint
Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, drew great numbers of
people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to
the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when
he gave me the letter, confined his instructions to saying, 'voyez cela',
examine and pay attention to this. I went to M. Blond to beg he would
speak to the patrician, to whom the theatre belonged, and who, I believe,
was named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged in
the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very
agreeable, executed it badly.

Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was
piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute
and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola
arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment.
Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be
announced by the name of 'Una Siora Masehera'. As soon as I was
introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale
and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir;" said I to him in Venetian,
"it is with much regret I importune your excellency with this visit; but
you have in your theatre of Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese,
who is engaged in the service of the king, and whom you have been
requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to claim him in the name of
his majesty." My short harangue was effectual. I had no sooner left the
palace than Zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state
inquisitors, by whom he was severely reprehended. Veronese was
discharged the same day. I sent him word that if he did not set off
within a week I would have him arrested. He did not wait for my giving
him this intimation a second time.

On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means,
and almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a
merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of
the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians
in the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and the
vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was
suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied to
the ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went
to the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he
could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he
applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before
the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he
consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember that
if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing, I took
another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the affairs in

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one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had difficulty in
prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the article to pass.

I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant,
were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles
they contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in
vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in
speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the
ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some
apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it
been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the
captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still
more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's
company. I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship,
who would rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures
afraid of displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account
of the order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took
the depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and
directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might
be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the
questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his
business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once
opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This
step, somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was released
long before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make
me a present; but without being angry with him on that account, I tapped
him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you imagine that he who
does not receive from the French his perquisite for passports, which he
found his established right, is a man likely to sell them the king's
protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner on board his
vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to the Spanish
embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to partake of it:
he has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge
des affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with him after the
example of our ambassadors.

Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I did
all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient order
into all these little details, that I might not have served others at my
own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which the
most trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was engaged
in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service. I
conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my immediate
duty, with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few errors
which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of which
the clerks of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador nor any
other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in
any one of my functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I
am. But my memory sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently
careful in the private affairs with which I was charged; however, a love
of justice always made me take the loss on myself, and this voluntarily,

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before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention but one
circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from Venice, and
I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris.

Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note
for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had
received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had
wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I
would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by way of
accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant custom of
noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country, never to pay
the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are taken to force them
to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such
enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up
his debtor accepting the most trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond
to speak to Zanetto. The Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not
agree to payment. After a long dispute he at length promised three
sequins; but when Le Blond carried him the note even these were not
ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this interval happened my
quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his service. I had left the
papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but the note of Rousselot
was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had given it me back. I
knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter;
but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As
Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to
obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount,
or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. Zanetto,
knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I offered
Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of the
debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the
creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser,
having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or
the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I
have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two hundred
livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss of the
note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas had
it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some difficulty
in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, Zanetto Nani,
had promised to pay.

The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me
discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society
of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall soon
have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place Saint
Mark, of the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most part,
made together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station.
Although these were not considerable, especially with the aid of the Abbe
de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a
war, I was a good deal employed. I applied to business the greatest part
of every morning, and on the days previous to the departure of the
courier, in the evenings, and sometimes till midnight. The rest of my

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time I gave to the study of the political professions I had entered upon,
and in which I hoped, from my successful beginning, to be advantageously
employed. In fact I was in favor with every one; the ambassador himself
spoke highly of my services, and never complained of anything I did for
him; his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting
him, inconsequence of the useless complaints I had frequently made on
several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom
we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his secretary,
in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered, but which in his
poor head produced quite a contrary effect. He received one in
particular relative to an affair of importance, for which he never
pardoned me.

He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the
Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts he could not
contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out,
and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and
ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I know
not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this
obliged me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into
journals; but when affairs which related to the king were in question it
was necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened
relative to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent,
charge des affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was
then marching to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most memorable
retreat, the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, of which
Europe has not sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us that a man,
whose person M. Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, and was to
pass by Venice, in his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up
the people at the approach of the Austrians.

In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the
least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de
l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so
abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation of
the kingdom of Naples.

The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was proper
he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the service he
had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, who in
that affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he perceived
in the compliment paid him by M. de l'Hopital, something like a reproach,
and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it necessary to
act in the same manner with the Count de Castellane, ambassador at
Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de l'Hopital, although in
things of less importance. As there was no other conveyance to
Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by the senate to
its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of
France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if he thought
proper so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand;
but M. de Montaigu was held in so little respect, that merely for the

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sake of form he was sent to, a couple of hours before the couriers set
off. This frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence.
M. de Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de
Jonville, at Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their regard and
esteem became new grievances.

I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known;
but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a
right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem
of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say
whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment
was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain
from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous
to our separation.

His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly
filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy
was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who
had long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged,
his first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de
Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or
something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de
Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to
whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means
of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his
favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had
about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance
of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was
necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this
sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of
this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the
wrong.

The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters.
Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to
go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes.
When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali
not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring
me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending
the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as
the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali
wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen.
"To--morrow, sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and
apologize to me in the house where I received the affront, and in the
presence of the persons who were witnesses to it; or after to--morrow,
whatever may be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house."
This firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour
appointed, and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of
himself. But he afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same
time that he cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a
manner, that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my

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dismission, he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him.

A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my
character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to
an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and
impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and
dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in
requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that
which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this
he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order
and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a
woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that
modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a
place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of
knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his
excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like
himself, who kept a house of ill--fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the
indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their
insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was
not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house
supportable to an modest man.

As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private
table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most
paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency,
have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little
and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks.

I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my
gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to
hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer
accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything
which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in
the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only
cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency
with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other
person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the
matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of
himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his
will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good
deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself,
and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a
farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his
esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have
filled my purse, and provided for everything.

These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who
naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and
by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they
were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a
Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the

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proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with
columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had
all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than
because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar
reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from
his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the
man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of
my serving him faithfully.

I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as
long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in
them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of
depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved
to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was
relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family,
who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be
present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily
to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I
should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency
would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" said he
passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine
with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the
post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge
the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that
of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such; and I am
admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day
on which you shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by
etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of
ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and
I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the
doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private with the Duke of
Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did not convince the
ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of
Modena did not come to dine with him.

From that moment he did everything in his power to make things
disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights,
by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to
give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to
send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly
employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he
made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of
Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the
only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me
of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for
the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth.
He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to
dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find
me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the
world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account
of the answers from the senate; one who could write all his despatches,

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and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble
about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could
join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without
honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by
keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return to
either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with
more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me
to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my
trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes,
instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to
expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that,
in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might
be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my being served by his
good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving
him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary. Without
answering yes or no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if
nothing had been said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state,
and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote
to his brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain
my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it or
not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without
any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador
received a letter from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him
in very plain terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious
rage, I never saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of
unsufferable reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of
having sold his ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in
a sneering manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be
fool enough to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his
servants to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very
composed; but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn.
I sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it
within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your
servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be
settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him
calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw
his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting
for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the
antechamber, through the midst of his people, who rose according to
custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance
against him than me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the
stairs, and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it.

I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had
happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to
dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid.
All the French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it.
The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case to
the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his
excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing,
and being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely

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embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me.
I took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of
M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most intimately
connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my departure, went
to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship, to prove to
the public, the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the
ambassador.

His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at
the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went
near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He
forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me
arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to
remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had
intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was
universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to
the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain
in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about
the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take
leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the
Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home.
I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and
obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me,
notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had
borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns
with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay,
and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met
since that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned
them very exactly the moment I had it in my power.

I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated
amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which
I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my
youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called.
My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which
moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the
simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of
all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio
Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have
forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he
was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We
were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and information,
and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had
their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them
women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts.
There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theatres
rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none but men
whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris
the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also received
from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice
cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for Italian music with

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which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence.
In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not yet known what singing was,
and I soon became so fond of the opera that, tired of babbling, eating,
and playing in the boxes when I wished to listen, I frequently withdrew
from the company to another part of the theater. There, quite alone,
shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the
representation, to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the
conclusion. One evening at the theatre of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into
a more profound sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and
brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the
delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music,
by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment!
what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My
first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air, which I
still recollect and shall never forget, began with these words:

               Conservami la bella,
               Che si m'accende il cor.

I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not
the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the
thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but
in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me
from sleep.

A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which
in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that
of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established for the
education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards
gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents
cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every
Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during vespers,
motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra,
and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the
galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of
age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this
music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part,
the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything
in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which
certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is
secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the
'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of the
lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form
their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron
grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me
the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day
I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, "to see
those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes.
I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a collation
with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise.
In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed

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to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before experienced.
M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female
singers, of whom the names and voices were all with which I was
acquainted. Come, Sophia,--she was horrid. Come, Cattina,--she had
but one eye. Come, Bettina,--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her.
Scarcely one of them was without some striking defect.

Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared
tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair.
During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became
enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they
possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner
without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine,
my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house
almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage
enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls,
the danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful;
and their voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my
eyes, I obstinately continued to think them beautiful.

Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not
worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the
pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had
at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a
week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the
opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'.
Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John
Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I
had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable
orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable,
and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often
went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is
not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to
confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something
to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same
ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones.

I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those
were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me
on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable,
but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and
mother ever once to have the least desire for them.

I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named
Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia,
but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question
of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his
salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more
than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my
being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and
especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was,

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gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom
of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those
proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as
chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I
quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of
the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak.

The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time
after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at
the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached
me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all;
at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the
women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all
others of the same description in any other part of the world.
"Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of
them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I
should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count
Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor
than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too
prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In
fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an
incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to
go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and
even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an
appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the
country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a
blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was
even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me.
Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing.
In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat
on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had
deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her
doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel
the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for
the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the
uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being
justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not
believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the
'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing
my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by
persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected:
and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man
would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the
least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right.
However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received
such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it.

My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a
nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have
already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel,
and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected

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a salute of cannon.

The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a
priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I
perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was
given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were;
I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the
captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was
impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet
did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating
but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I
expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me,
laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over
I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said the captain,
"take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him what he
meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's side, and I
observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly
dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side,
before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally
charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She
spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my
head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly
looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! Ah, my dear
Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw herself into
my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling.
Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted
fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied
my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such
a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the
spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or
rather become furious. When she perceived she had made the impression
she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her
vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false
cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director
of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him;
that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and would do it again;
that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that she took me in his
place; that she would love me because it pleased her so to do, for which
reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable to her, and when she
thought proper to send me about my business, I must be patient as her
dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She took possession of
me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan,
her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go here or there, to do this
or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told me to go and send away her
gondola, because she chose to make use of mine, and I immediately sent it
away; she bid me to move from my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in
it, because she had something to say to him; and I did as she desired.
They chatted a good while together, but spoke low, and I did not
interrupt them. She called me, and I approached her. "Hark thee,
Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the French manner; this
indeed will not be well. In the first moment of lassitude, get thee

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gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." After dinner we went to
see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great number of little
curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony.
But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount
than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference with which she
threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but little value.
When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was more from a
motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price her
admirers set upon her favors.

In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed
together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!"
said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new construction:
may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more
fire than those upon your table." After a few pleasantries of the same
kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more
charming, "When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make
them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but
if I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the
first who shall be wanting to me in respect."

At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I
did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an
undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will
not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well.
I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk
network ornamented with rose--colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much
enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode
at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never
been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited
me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the
remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold
she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to
yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you
will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not so
fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of
paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the
heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully
tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a
charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No;
Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my
wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which
she first placed in my heart.

If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is
that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this
moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in
contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it.
Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to
read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully
acquainted with J. J. Rousseau.

                                                                            224
I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love
and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should
have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was
impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience.
Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her
charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of
them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which
consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs
failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child.

Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed
within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece
of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good
and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable
prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship
disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although
she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be
acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something
inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and
makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I
am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in
the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I
endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect,
but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be
apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her
skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath,
and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me
this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair
of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health
for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion.
These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me
shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck
speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, and
passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her
opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not
difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness.

But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for
the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a
man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I
examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the
other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such
a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I
was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom
I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster,
the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far
as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what
I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which
made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal,
she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and

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without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted
to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the
next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to
me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, 'lascia le
donne, a studia la matematica."--[Leave women and study mathematics.]

Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the
next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical
smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease
during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt
my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of
the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have
rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most
burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and
yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious
to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of
her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I
know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with
this visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I
already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that
I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this
justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me
for answer that she had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I
had not felt all the love I had for her person when this was in my
possession, I felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable
and charming as she was in my eyes, I could not console myself for the
loss of her; but this I have never been able to do relative to the
contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me.

These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice
furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at
most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others,
he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he
proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep
one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find
one who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found
out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous
mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The
sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair
and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian.
Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and
provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to
procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing--master.
All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month,
and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we
were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a
long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing
our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps
enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So
true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they
have in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart

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became insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was
paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as
the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have
been less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching
this little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the
abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the
sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn.
We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less
delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea;
and I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have
become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have
been the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards
befell me deprived me, of the happiness of taking a part in this good
work, and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart.

I will now return to my journey.

My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to
Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed
the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the
quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having
had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to
give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I
communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per
interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as
soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo
D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des
affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la
Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my
acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to
receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not
that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was unwilling
to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which had befallen
me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. The
bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me
severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair
my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a
chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du
Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We
supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the
wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du
Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in
return for the service he did me on this occasion.

Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass
through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played
me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a
waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs
of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M.
de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the
apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he

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wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a
bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at
an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was
recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of
the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more
than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight.
I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and
provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I
returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole
of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and
elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma
islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time,
and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very
imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not
enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I
shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it,
or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the
greatest need.--[I have given up this project.]

The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I
found the people in all the offices, and the public in general,
scandalized at the follies of the ambassador.

Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable
proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far
from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion
of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than
because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection,
and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody
agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was
mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored
him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing
more than the secretary.

Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining
justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed
that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the
manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this
was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had
obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign
affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and
joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until,
tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at
length failed me, and let the whole drop.

The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have
least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the
prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was possible
an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary.
The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. I was so
piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her perhaps one

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of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen, and
since that time I never once returned to her house. I was better
received by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his Jesuitical wheedling
I perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his
society, which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful. The strong
conviction I felt of the justice of my cause, and my natural greatness of
mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this partiality. I ceased
visiting Father Castel, and on that account, going to the college of the
Jesuits, where I knew nobody but himself. Besides the intriguing and
tyrannical spirit of his brethren, so different from the cordiality of
the good Father Hemet, gave me such a disgust for their conversation that
I have never since been acquainted with, nor seen anyone of them except
Father Berthier, whom I saw twice or thrice at M. Dupin's, in conjunction
with whom he labored with all his might at the refutation of Montesquieu.

That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say
of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was
not what he wanted, but an attorney's clerk. He took the hint, and the
person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less
than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He
discharged him, and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with
disgrace, and, in wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels,
received affronts which a footman would not have put up with, and, after
numerous follies, was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very
probable that among the reprimands he received at court, his affair with
me was not forgotten. At least, a little time after his return he sent
his maitre d' hotel, to settle my account, and give me some money. I was
in want of it at that moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if ever
there were any, lay heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means which
offered to discharge them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I
received what was offered me, paid all my debts, and remained as before,
without a farthing in my pocket, but relieved from a weight which had
become insupportable. From that time I never heard speak of M. de
Montaigu until his death, with which I became acquainted by means of the
Gazette. The peace of God be with that poor man! He was as fit for the
functions of an ambassador as in my infancy I had been for those of
Grapignan.--[I have not been able to find this word in any dictionary,
nor does any Frenchman of letters of my acquaintance know what it means.
--T.]--However, it was in his power to have honorably supported himself
by my services, and rapidly to have advanced me in a career to which the
Comte de Gauvon had destined me in my youth, and of the functions of
which I had in a more advanced age rendered myself capable.

The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of
indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare
of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what
appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction of
public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of the
powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that
time as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in the
affair, and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever

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proceeded, could not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the
most pure love, only of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The
other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by
the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at
Venice with a Biscayan, a friend of my friend Carrio's, and worthy of
being that of every honest man. This amiable young man, born with every
talent and virtue, had just made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for
the fine arts, and, imagining he had nothing more to acquire, intended to
return by the most direct road to his own country. I told him the arts
were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his, fit to
cultivate the sciences; and to give him a taste for these, I advised him
to make a journey to Paris and reside there for six months. He took my
advice, and went to Paris. He was there and expected me when I arrived.
His lodging was too considerable for him, and he offered me the half of
it, which I instantly accepted. I found him absorbed in the study of the
sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his reach. He digested everything
with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially did he thank me for having
procured him this food for his mind, which was tormented by a thirst
after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What a treasure of light
and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young man! I felt he was
the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our tastes were not the
same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we never could agree
about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, notwithstanding
our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of us wished the
other to be different from what he was.

Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain
produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the
violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of
vengeance could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could
proceed from his heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I
have frequently heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no mortal
could offend him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played with
women as with so many pretty children. He amused himself with the
mistresses of his friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own,
nor the least desire for it. The emanations from the virtue with which
his heart was stored, never permitted the fire of the passions to excite
sensual desires.

After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am as
convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only woman
with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love.

Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the
piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose
principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person
his opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence
to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or an
Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in
matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even
the moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: "I am

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charged with the care of myself, only." It is astonishing so much
elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to
minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours,
quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution,
that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have
shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out,
were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those
of another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, the
reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; and
neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this
order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that
could have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I
might conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of
admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was
rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon
him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him
warm, but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be
more cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke;
raillery was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he
possessed that of pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was
noisy and heard at a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a
smile was spread over his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he
used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into
a loud laugh. He had no more of the Spanish complexion than of the
phlegm of that country. His skin was white, his cheeks finely colored,
and his hair of a light chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body
was well formed for the residence of his mind.

This wise--hearted as well as wise--headed man, knew mankind, and was my
friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We were so
intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days together. In
a few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his estate; every
part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; nothing was
left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in the best
concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, and
finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted to
say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked,
and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never
accomplished. I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a
resolution never again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects
of ambition, which circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in
their birth. Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which,
however, I had just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach myself
to any person, but to remain in an independent state, turning my talents
to the best advantage: of these I at length began to feel the extent, and
that I had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I again took up
my opera, which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that I might be
less interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to my old
hotel St. Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not far
from the Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue St.
Honor.

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There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my
misery, and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This
was not a trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative
to the manner in which it was made.

We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl
from her own country, of between twenty--two and twenty--three years of
age, and who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This girl, named
Theresa le Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an officer in
the mint of Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had many children.
The function of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the father found
himself without employment; and the mother having suffered losses, was
reduced to narrow circumstances. She quitted her business and came to
Paris with her husband and daughter, who, by her industry, maintained all
the three.

The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty;
and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect
to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de
Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons and
others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not made
the best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the table
who spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to the
young girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against me.
Had I had no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and
contradiction would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend
to decency in manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I
openly declared myself her champion, and perceived she was not insensible
of my attention; her looks, animated by the gratitude she dared not
express by words, were for this reason still more penetrating.

She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection
which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, was
however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became
furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who,
having no person in the house except myself to give her the least
support, was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of
her protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the
similarity of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She
thought she saw in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived.
I thought I perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her
manners, and devoid of all coquetry:--I was no more deceived in her than
she in me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either abandon
or marry her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers of my
triumph, and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, that I was
happy without being presuming.

The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which I
sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I
perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent,

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wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from
suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to
proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her
morals, and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed
to danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it was no
restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. As we
did not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject were
so many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of
believing I was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing
what else to think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she
confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life,
immediately after she became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the
address of her seducer. The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave
a shout of joy. "A Hymen!" exclaimed I; "sought for at Paris, and at
twenty years of age! Ah my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee,
virtuous and healthy as thou art, and in not finding that for which I
never sought."

At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further and
had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this
excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me discover
that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had done a
great deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished ambition,
a life of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, was
necessary to me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I was
never again to live with her, it was necessary some person should live
with her pupil, and a person, too, in whom I might find that simplicity
and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me. It was,
moreover, necessary that the happiness of domestic life should indemnify
me for the splendid career I had just renounced. When I was quite alone
there was a void in my heart, which wanted nothing more than another
heart to fill it up. Fate had deprived me of this, or at least in part
alienated me from that for which by nature I was formed. From that
moment I was alone, for there never was for me the least thing
intermediate between everything and nothing. I found in Theresa the
supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her I lived as happily
as I possibly could do, according to the course of events.

I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless.
Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation.
I do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, although
she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des Petits
Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, there was a
sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts to teach her
to know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. She never
could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and cannot
distinguish one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the trouble I
took endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how to count
money, nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when she
speaks, presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that of
which she means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her

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phrases, to amuse M. de Luxembourg, and her 'qui pro quos' often became
celebrated among those with whom I was most intimate. But this person,
so confined in her intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can
give excellent advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England
and in France, she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she
has often given me the best advice I could possibly follow; she has
rescued me from dangers into which I had blindly precipitated myself, and
in the presence of princes and the great, her sentiments, good sense,
answers, and conduct have acquired her universal esteem, and myself the
most sincere congratulations on her merit. With persons whom we love,
sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who are thus
attached, have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere.

I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the
world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness
of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of her
daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our
intercourse.

The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the
foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public;
and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little
collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me
sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left
me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at
most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other desire
than that of insuring its duration.

This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to
me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of
Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was
so favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three
months, my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a
few accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added.
This maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to
Philidor, offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came
twice, and did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he
could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement
of advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third
time, and I finished the work myself.

My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was
by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in
Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my
way by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return to
Geneva had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of
Rameau; Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said
to govern in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the
work of one of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He
refused to examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too
fatiguing to him. M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said

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he might hear it; and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain
detached pieces. I wished for nothing better. Rameau consented with an
ill grace, incessantly repeating that the composition of a man not
regularly bred to the science, and who had learned music without a
master, must certainly be very fine! I hastened to copy into parts five
or six select passages. Ten symphonies were procured, and Albert,
Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonois undertook the vocal part. Remeau,
the moment he heard the overture, was purposely extravagant in his
eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood it could not be my
composition. He showed signs of impatience at every passage: but after a
counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and harmonious, with a
brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain himself; he
apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked,
maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in
the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as
understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and without rule,
was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a person who
forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, unsupported by
science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see nothing in me but
a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The rest of the
company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the house, were of a
different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time frequently visited
M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my work, and wished to
hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased him, to have it
performed at court. The opera was executed with full choruses, and by a
great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de Bonneval's
intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The effect was
surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; and, at the end
of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose and came to me,
and, pressing my hand, said: "M. Rousseau, this is transporting harmony.
I never heard anything finer. I will get this performed at Versailles."

Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau,
although invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere
received me at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my
piece, and told me, that although a little false glitter had at first
dazzled M. de Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she advised
me not to place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke arrived
soon after, and spoke to me in quite a different language. He said very
flattering things of my talents, and seemed as much disposed as ever to
have my composition performed before the king. "There is nothing," said
he, "but the act of Tasso which cannot pass at court: you must write
another." Upon this single word I shut myself up in my apartment; and in
three weeks produced, in the place of Tasso, another act, the subject of
which was Hesiod inspired by the muses. In this I found the secret of
introducing a part of the history of my talents, and of the jealousy with
which Rameau had been pleased to honor me. There was in the new act an
elevation less gigantic and better supported than in the act of Tasso.
The music was as noble and the composition better; and had the other two
acts been equal to this, the whole piece would have supported a
representation to advantage. But whilst I was endeavoring to give it the

                                                                            235
last finishing, another undertaking suspended the completion of that I
had in my hand. In the winter which succeeded the battle of Fontenoi,
there were many galas at Versailles, and several operas performed at the
theater of the little stables. Among the number of the latter was the
dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled 'La Princesse de Navarre', the music
by Rameau, the name of which has just been changed to that of 'Fetes de
Ramire'. This new subject required several changes to be made in the
divertissements, as well in the poetry as in the music.

A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine,
and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple of
Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu
thought of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations;
and, that I might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me
separately the poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch
the words without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the
subject a very polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper;
and received from him the following answer:

"SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are
united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to
love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents in
a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke de
Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an eye,
a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be
adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with
them. I obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very
ill. I sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he
would make no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the
necessary corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full
liberty to do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of
the thing. I doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which
cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch,
and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting.

"I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given in
the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the
Grenadian prince immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace.
As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the gala, I
am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment.

"I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused
idea.

"You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison
should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace,
gilt and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched,
and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such
trifles; but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is
necessary we should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of an
opera.

                                                                            236
"I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the
honor of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc."

There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter,
compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me.
He thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly
suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author,
obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become better
acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed.

Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving
myself the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me,
I set to work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With
respect to the poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at
nothing more than to prevent the difference of style from being
perceived, and had the vanity to think I had succeeded. The musical part
was longer and more laborious. Besides my having to compose several
preparatory pieces, and, amongst others, the overture, all the
recitative, with which I was charged, was extremely difficult on account
of the necessity there was of connecting, in a few verses, and by very
rapid modulations, symphonies and choruses, in keys very different from
each other; for I was determined neither to change nor transpose any of
the airs, that Rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them.
I succeeded in the recitative; it was well accented, full of energy and
excellent modulation. The idea of two men of superior talents, with whom
I was associated, had elevated my genius, and I can assert, that in this
barren and inglorious task, of which the public could have no knowledge,
I was for the most part equal to my models.

The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the
great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to
the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris,
and Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the
first monologue were very mournful; they began with:

      O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie.

   [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.]

To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that
Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much
bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very
judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry
of this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which
proved it was by Voltaire. "In that case," said the duke, "Voltaire
alone is to blame." During the rehearsal, everything I had done was
disapproved by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de
Richelieu; but I had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary.
It was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted
revising, and that on this it was necessary I should consult M. Rameau;

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my heart was wounded by such a conclusion, instead of the eulogium I
expected, and which certainly I merited, and I returned to my apartment
overwhelmed with grief, exhausted with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin.
I was immediately taken ill, and confined to my chamber for upwards of
six weeks.

Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la
Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to
substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick
he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance
was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was
obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and
in a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I
learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d'hotel to the king, and son-in-law
to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs were highly
satisfied with my work, and that the public had not distinguished it from
that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la Popliniere took measures to
prevent any person from knowing I had any concern in the matter. In the
books distributed to the audience, and in which the authors are always
named, Voltaire was the only person mentioned, and Rameau preferred the
suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine.

As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon
M. de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk,
where he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his
return, said I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late
for my purpose, not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of
mywork and the emoluments it should have produced me, besides considering
my time, trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the money this cost
me, without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, recompense.
However, I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to serve me, and
that he had a favorable opinion of my talents; but my misfortune, and
Madam de la Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good wishes.

I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had
always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid her
my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: "The
first," said he, "is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the
declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is an
original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will never
forgive; you are a Genevese." Upon this he told me the Abbe Hubert, who
was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la Popliniere,
had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady, with
whose character and temper he was very well acquainted; and that after
the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well as all the
Genevese. "Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, do not,"
said he, "depend upon his protection: he is still in love with his wife:
she hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do anything
in that house." All this I took for granted.

The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of which

                                                                             238
I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, who
was about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I
should have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my
situation had less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had
never claimed what remained of the property of my mother, and of which he
received the little interest. His death removed all my scruples upon
this subject. But the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother
created a difficulty which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he
effected by means of the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I
stood in need of the little resource, and the event being doubtful, I
waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety.

One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to
contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient
trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself,
with disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by
interest and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the
chimney-piece. I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure,
slept better than ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour,
without thinking more of my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my
eye; I broke the seal very leisurely, and found under the envelope a bill
of exchange. I felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same time:
but I can assert, upon my honor, that the most lively of them all was
that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself.

I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much
pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to
my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy
time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters
contained evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes,
and numerous secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune
and her own. The idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and
contracted her mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by
whom she was surrounded; she received not the least advantage from
anything. The idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence
with these wretches disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I had
made to deliver her from them, and of which I shall have occasion to
speak. Time slipped away, and with it the little money I had; we were
two, or indeed, four persons; or, to speak still more correctly, seven or
eight. Although Theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there are
but few examples, her mother was not so. She was no sooner a little
relieved from her necessities by my cares, than she sent for her whole
family to partake of the fruits of them. Her sisters, sons, daughters,
all except her eldest daughter, married to the director of the coaches of
Augers, came to Paris. Everything I did for Theresa, her mother diverted
from its original destination in favor of these people who were starving.
I had not to do with an avaricious person; and, not being under the
influence of an unruly passion, I was not guilty of follies. Satisfied
with genteelly supporting Theresa without luxury, and unexposed to
pressing wants, I readily consented to let all the earnings of her
industry go to the profit of her mother; and to this even I did not

                                                                            239
confine myself; but, by a fatality by which I was pursued, whilst mamma
was a prey to the rascals about her Theresa was the same to her family;
and I could not do anything on either side for the benefit of her to whom
the succor I gave was destined. It was odd enough the youngest child of
M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had not received a marriage portion
from her parents, should provide for their subsistence; and that, after
having along time been beaten by her brothers, sisters, and even her
nieces, the poor girl should be plundered by them all, without being more
able to defend herself from their thefts than from their blows. One of
her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a mild and amiable character;
although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the others. As I
frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which they afterwards
gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the aunt my aunt;
they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which I continued
to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely repeated. It
will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment to lose,
before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de Richelieu had
forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I made some
attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with
difficulties which could not immediately be removed, and my situation
became daily more painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to
the Italians; it was received, and I had the freedom of the theatre,
which gave much pleasure. But this was all; I could never get my piece
performed, and, tired of paying my court to players, I gave myself no
more trouble about them. At length I had recourse to the last expedient
which remained to me, and the only one of which I ought to have made use.
While frequenting the house of M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected the
family of Dupin. The two ladies, although related, were not on good
terms, and never saw each other. There was not the least intercourse
between the two families, and Thieriot was the only person who visited
both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me again to M. Dupin's. M. de
Francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry, and collecting
a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a member of the Academy of
Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a book, and judged I might
be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de Dupin, who, on her part,
had another work in contemplation, had much the same views in respect to
me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of secretary, and this
was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot.

I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest
with that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the operahouse; to this
he consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at
the Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very
numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition
were highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very
ill-conducted by Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and that,
before it could appear, great alterations were necessary. I therefore
withdrew it without saying a word, or exposing myself to a refusal;
but I plainly perceived, by several indications, that the work, had it
been perfect, could not have succeeded. M. de Francueil had promised me
to get it rehearsed, but not that it should be received. He exactly kept

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his word. I thought I perceived on this occasion, as well as many
others, that neither Madam Dupin nor himself were willing I should
acquire a certain reputation in the world, lest, after the publication of
their books, it should be supposed they had grafted their talents upon
mine. Yet as Madam Dupin always supposed those I had to be very
moderate, and never employed me except it was to write what she dictated,
or in researches of pure erudition, the reproach, with respect to her,
would have been unjust.

This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned
every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling my
head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little success,
I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and Theresa a
subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be
agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached myself to
Madam Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a very opulent
situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I had the first
two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants; being
obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the town, in a
furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity
of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to which, let the
weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to supper. I soon
got into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a taste for them.
I attached myself to the study of chemistry, and attended several courses
of it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle's, and we began to scribble over
paper upon that science, of which we scarcely possessed the elements.
In 1717, we went to pass the autumn in Tourraine, at the castle of
Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, built by Henry the II, for
Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are still seen, and which is now
in the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer general. We amused ourselves
very agreeably in this beautiful place, and lived very well: I became as
fat there as a monk. Music was a favorite relaxation. I composed
several trios full of harmony, and of which I may perhaps speak in my
supplement if ever I should write one. Theatrical performances were
another resource. I wrote a comedy in fifteen days, entitled
'l'Engagement Temeraire',--[The Rash Engagement]--which will be found
amongst my papers; it has no other merit than that of being lively.
I composed several other little things: amongst others a poem entitled,
'l'Aliee de Sylvie', from the name of an alley in the park upon the bank
of the Cher; and this without discontinuing my chemical studies, or
interrupting what I had to do for Madam Dupin.

Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor
Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I
found the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I had
expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me into
the greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished me with
the only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of those
essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity;
because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either excuse
or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out of the

                                                                            241
question.

During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a
'Traiteurs', he and I commonly eat in the neighborhood, almost opposite
the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife
of a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was much
frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it;
no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used
the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with much wit
and politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the house, and
brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; officers in the
guards and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, chevalier to all the
girls of the opera, was the daily oracle, who conveyed to us the news of
this motley crew. M. du Plessis, a lieutenant-colonel, retired from the
service, an old man of great goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet,

   [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own
   manner entitled 'les Prisouniers de Guerre', which I wrote after the
   disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either
   avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that
   neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of
   nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though
   written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the
   panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my
   own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French
   themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and
   mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my
   first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was
   ashamed to show.]

an officer in the mousquetaires kept the young people in a certain kind
of order. This table was also frequented by commercial people,
financiers and contractors, but extremely polite, and such as were
distinguished amongst those of the same profession. M. de Besse, M. de
Forcade, and others whose names I have forgotten, in short, well-dressed
people of every description were seen there; except abbes and men of the
long robe, not one of whom I ever met in the house, and it was agreed not
to introduce men of either of these professions. This table,
sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful without being noisy, and many
of the guests were waggish, without descending to vulgarity. The old
commander with all his smutty stories, with respect to the substance,
never lost sight of the politeness of the old court; nor did any indecent
expression, which even women would not have pardoned him, escape his
lips. His manner served as a rule to every person at table; all the
young men related their adventures of gallantry with equal grace and
freedom, and these narratives were the more complete, as the seraglio was
at the door; the entry which led to it was the same; for there was a
communication between this and the shop of Le Duchapt, a celebrated
milliner, who at that time had several very pretty girls, with whom our
young people went to chat before or after dinner. I should thus have
amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less modest: I had only to

                                                                            242
go in as they did, but this I never had courage enough to do. With
respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her house after the
departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing anecdotes, and
by degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the maxims I found
to be established there. Honest men injured, husbands deceived, women
seduced, were the most ordinary topics, and he who had best filled the
foundling hospital was always the most applauded. I caught the manners
I daily had before my eyes: I formed my manner of thinking upon that I
observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable: and upon the whole, very
honest people. I said to myself, since it is the custom of the country,
they who live here may adopt it; this is the expedient for which I
sought. I cheerfully determined upon it without the least scruple, and
the only one I had to overcome was that of Theresa, whom, with the
greatest imaginable difficulty, I persuaded to adopt this only means of
saving her honor. Her mother, who was moreover apprehensive of a new
embarrassment by an increase of family, came to my aid, and she at length
suffered herself to be prevailed upon. We made choice of a midwife, a
safe and prudent woman, Mademoiselle Gouin, who lived at the Point Saint
Eustache, and when the time came, Theresa was conducted to her house by
her mother.

I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I
had made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of the
child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the
foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year following,
a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, excepting the
cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my part, nor
approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. All the
vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of
thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For the
present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel and
unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it.

I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D'Epinay, whose name
will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D'
Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D'Epinay, son of M. de
Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a
passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest
intimacy. Madam Prancueil introduced me to Madam D'Epinay, and we
sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and
talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female
friend, a Mademoiselle d'Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in
her disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper was
far from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance with
these two persons was prejudicial to Madam D'Epinay, to whom, with a
disposition which required the greatest attention from those about her,
nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance
her extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her with a part of
the friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of the connection
between them, of which, for that reason, I would not now speak, were it
not become so public as not to be concealed from M. D'Epinay himself.

                                                                            243
M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative
to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so much as
suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to her upon
the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The confidence all
parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing,
especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me was sufficient
to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although I was connected
with her rival. I did everything I could to console this poor woman,
whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him.
I listened to these three persons separately; I kept all their secrets so
faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two
others, and this, without concealing from either of the women my
attachment to each of them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished to
make me an agent, received refusals in form, and Madam D'Epinay, once
desiring me to charge myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received
the same mortification, accompanied by a very express declaration, that
if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house, she had only a
second time to make me a like proposition.

In justice to Madam D'Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended
with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the
highest approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as politely
as ever. It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom
I was obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection, on whom I in
some measure depended, and for whom I had conceived an attachment, that
by conducting myself with mildness and complaisance, although accompanied
with the greatest firmness, I preserved unto the last not only their
friendship, but their esteem and confidence. Notwithstanding my
absurdities and awkwardness, Madam D'Epinay would have me make one of the
party to the Chevrette, a country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to
M. de Bellegarde. There was a theatre, in which performances were not
unfrequent. I had a part given me, which I studied for six months
without intermission, and in which, on the evening of the representation,
I was obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end. After this
experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me.

My acquaintance with M. D'Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law,
Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of
Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage;
when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity
which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from
perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently,
into the abyss in which I still remain.

Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no
more than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them,
especially the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a
Nannette, as well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity
of circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was
of a mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections

                                                                            244
of a worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and
had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated
for her want of education. However he married her, which was well done
of him, if he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not
having entered into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to
imitate him.

I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no more
literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance of his
becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered the
extent of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on his
part seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in the
Rue Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of Hesiod,
he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our dinner,
and paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on his
Essay on the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. When
this was finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take
it. The booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his beginning,
and metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very inviting subject.
I spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I afterwards brought
them acquainted with each other. They were worthy of each other's
esteem, and were presently on the most friendly terms. Diderot persuaded
the bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from the abbe, and this
great metaphysician received for his first work, and almost as a favor,
a hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have obtained without my
assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each
other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais Royal, and went to dine
at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little weekly dinners must have
been extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who failed in almost all his
appointments never missed one of these. At our little meeting I formed
the plan of a periodical paper, entitled 'le Persifleur'--[The Jeerer]
--which Diderot and I were alternately to write. I sketched out the first
sheet, and this brought me acquainted with D'Alembert, to whom Diderot
had mentioned it. Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the
project was carried no further.

These two authors had just undertaken the 'Dictionnaire Encyclopedique',
which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation
of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary of James,
which Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should do
something in this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical
part, which I accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently
very ill, in the three months he had given me, as well as all the authors
who were engaged in the work. But I was the only person in readiness at
the time prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had copied by a
laquais, belonging to M. de Francueil of the name of Dupont, who wrote
very well. I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and these have
never been reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a retribution on the
part of the booksellers, of which he has never since spoken to me nor I
to him.


                                                                            245
This undertaking of the 'Encyclopedie' was interrupted by his
imprisonment. The 'Pensees Philosophiquiest' drew upon him some
temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did
not come off so easily on account of the 'Lettre sur les Aveugles',
--[Letter concerning blind persons.]--in which there was nothing
reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre St.
Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in the
dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on account
of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which always
sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him to be
confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with the
thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him or
obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer
to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not
flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time
afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor
Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor,
I verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated
dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on
account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to
very few people, and never to Diderot himself.




THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK VIII.


At the end of the preceding book a pause was necessary. With this begins
the long chain of my misfortunes deduced from their origin.

Having lived in the two most splendid houses in Paris, I had,
notwithstanding my candor and modesty, made some acquaintance. Among
others at Dupin's, that of the young hereditary prince of Saxe-Gotha, and
of the Baron de Thun, his governor; at the house of M. de la Popliniere,
that of M. Seguy, friend to the Baron de Thun, and known in the literary
world by his beautiful edition of Rousseau. The baron invited M. Seguy
and myself to go and pass a day or two at Fontenai sous bois, where the
prince had a house. As I passed Vincennes, at the sight of the dungeon,
my feelings were acute; the effect of which the baron perceived on my
countenance. At supper the prince mentioned the confinement of Diderot.

                                                                            246
The baron, to hear what I had to say, accused the prisoner of imprudence;
and I showed not a little of the same in the impetuous manner in which I
defended him. This excess of zeal, inspired by the misfortune which had
befallen my friend, was pardoned, and the conversation immediately
changed. There were present two Germans in the service of the prince.
M. Klupssel, a man of great wit, his chaplain, and who afterwards, having
supplanted the baron, became his governor. The other was a young man
named M. Grimm, who served him as a reader until he could obtain some
place, and whose indifferent appearance sufficiently proved the pressing
necessity he was under of immediately finding one. From this very
evening Klupssel and I began an acquaintance which soon led to
friendship. That with the Sieur Grimm did not make quite so rapid a
progress; he made but few advances, and was far from having that haughty
presumption which prosperity afterwards gave him. The next day at
dinner, the conversation turned upon music; he spoke well on the subject.
I was transported with joy when I learned from him he could play an
accompaniment on the harpsichord. After dinner was over music was
introduced, and we amused ourselves the rest of the afternoon on the
harpischord of the prince. Thus began that friendship which, at first,
was so agreeable to me, afterwards so fatal, and of which I shall
hereafter have so much to say.

At my return to Paris, I learned the agreeable news that Diderot was
released from the dungeon, and that he had on his parole the castle and
park of Vincennes for a prison, with permission to see his friends. How
painful was it to me not to be able instantly to fly to him! But I was
detained two or three days at Madam Dupin's by indispensable business.
After ages of impatience, I flew to the arms of my friend. He was not
alone: D' Alembert and the treasurer of the Sainte Chapelle were with
him. As I entered I saw nobody but himself, I made but one step, one
cry; I riveted my face to his: I pressed him in my arms, without speaking
to him, except by tears and sighs: I stifled him with my affection and
joy. The first thing he did, after quitting my arms, was to turn himself
towards the ecclesiastic, and say: "You see, sir, how much I am beloved
by my friends." My emotion was so great, that it was then impossible for
me to reflect upon this manner of turning it to advantage; but I have
since thought that, had I been in the place of Diderot, the idea he
manifested would not have been the first that would have occurred to me.

I found him much affected by his imprisonment. The dungeon had made a
terrible impression upon his mind, and, although he was very agreeably
situated in the castle, and at liberty to, walk where he pleased in the
park, which was not inclosed even by a wall, he wanted the society of his
friends to prevent him from yielding to melancholy. As I was the person
most concerned for his sufferings, I imagined I should also be the
friend, the sight of whom would give him consolation; on which account,
notwithstanding very pressing occupations, I went every two days at
farthest, either alone, or accompanied by his wife, to pass the afternoon
with him.

The heat of the summer was this year (1749) excessive. Vincennes is two

                                                                            247
leagues from Paris. The state of my finances not permitting me to pay
for hackney coaches, at two o'clock in the afternoon, I went on foot,
when alone, and walked as fast as possible, that I might arrive the
sooner. The trees by the side of the road, always lopped, according to
the custom of the country, afforded but little shade, and exhausted by
fatigue, I frequently threw myself on the ground, being unable to proceed
any further. I thought a book in my hand might make me moderate my pace.
One day I took the Mercure de France, and as I walked and read, I came to
the following question proposed by the academy of Dijon, for the premium
of the ensuing year, 'Has the progress of sciences and arts contributed
to corrupt or purify morals?'

The moment I had read this, I seemed to behold another world, and became
a different man. Although I have a lively remembrance of the impression
it made upon me, the detail has escaped my mind, since I communicated it
to M. de Malesherbes in one of my four letters to him. This is one of
the singularities of my memory which merits to be remarked. It serves me
in proportion to my dependence upon it; the moment I have committed to
paper that with which it was charged, it forsakes me, and I have no
sooner written a thing than I had forgotten it entirely. This
singularity is the same with respect to music. Before I learned the use
of notes I knew a great number of songs; the moment I had made a
sufficient progress to sing an air set to music, I could not recollect
any one of them; and, at present, I much doubt whether I should be able
entirely to go through one of those of which I was the most fond. All I
distinctly recollect upon this occasion is, that on my arrival at
Vincennes, I was in an agitation which approached a delirium. Diderot
perceived it; I told him the cause, and read to him the prosopopoeia of
Fabricius, written with a pencil under a tree. He encouraged me to
pursue my ideas, and to become a competitor for the premium. I did so,
and from that moment I was ruined.

All the rest of my misfortunes during my life were the inevitable effect
of this moment of error.

My sentiments became elevated with the most inconceivable rapidity to the
level of my ideas. All my little passions were stifled by the enthusiasm
of truth, liberty, and virtue; and, what is most astonishing, this
effervescence continued in my mind upwards of five years, to as great a
degree perhaps as it has ever done in that of any other man. I composed
the discourse in a very singular manner, and in that style which I have
always followed in my other works. I dedicated to it the hours of the
night in which sleep deserted me, I meditated in my bed with my eyes
closed, and in my mind turned over and over again my periods with
incredible labor and care; the moment they were finished to my
satisfaction, I deposited them in my memory, until I had an opportunity
of committing them to paper; but the time of rising and putting on my
clothes made me lose everything, and when I took up my pen I recollected
but little of what I had composed. I made Madam le Vasseur my secretary;
I had lodged her with her daughter, and husband, nearer to myself; and
she, to save me the expense of a servant, came every morning to make my

                                                                            248
fire, and to do such other little things as were necessary. As soon as
she arrived I dictated to her while in bed what I had composed in the
night, and this method, which for a long time I observed, preserved me
many things I should otherwise have forgotten.

As soon as the discourse was finished, I showed it to Diderot. He was
satisfied with the production, and pointed out some corrections he
thought necessary to be made.

However, this composition, full of force and fire, absolutely wants logic
and order; of all the works I ever wrote, this is the weakest in
reasoning, and the most devoid of number and harmony. With whatever
talent a man may be born, the art of writing is not easily learned.

I sent off this piece without mentioning it to anybody, except, I think,
to Grimm, with whom, after his going to live with the Comte de Vriese, I
began to be upon the most intimate footing. His harpsichord served as a
rendezvous, and I passed with him at it all the moments I had to spare,
in singing Italian airs, and barcaroles; sometimes without intermission,
from morning till night, or rather from night until morning; and when I
was not to be found at Madam Dupin's, everybody concluded I was with
Grimm at his apartment, the public walk, or theatre. I left off going to
the Comedie Italienne, of which I was free, to go with him, and pay, to
the Comedie Francoise, of which he was passionately fond. In short, so
powerful an attraction connected me with this young man, and I became so
inseparable from him, that the poor aunt herself was rather neglected,
that is, I saw her less frequently; for in no moment of my life has my
attachment to her been diminished.

This impossibility of dividing, in favor of my inclinations, the little
time I had to myself, renewed more strongly than ever the desire I had
long entertained of having but one home for Theresa and myself; but the
embarrassment of her numerous family, and especially the want of money to
purchase furniture, had hitherto withheld me from accomplishing it. An
opportunity to endeavor at it presented itself, and of this I took
advantage. M. de Francueil and Madam Dupin, clearly perceiving that
eight or nine hundred livres a year were unequal to my wants, increased
of their own accord, my salary to fifty guineas; and Madam Dupin, having
heard I wished to furnish myself lodgings, assisted me with some articles
for that purpose. With this furniture and that Theresa already had, we
made one common stock, and, having an apartment in the Hotel de
Languedoc, Rue de Grevelle St, Honor, kept by very honest people, we
arranged ourselves in the best manner we could, and lived there peaceably
and agreeably during seven years, at the end of which I removed to go and
live at the Hermitage.

Theresa's father was a good old man, very mild in his disposition, and
much afraid of his wife; for this reason he had given her the surname of
Lieutenant Criminal, which Grimm, jocosely, afterwards transferred to the
daughter. Madam le Vasseur did not want sense, that is address; and
pretended to the politeness and airs of the first circles; but she had a

                                                                            249
mysterious wheedling, which to me was insupportable, gave bad advice to
her daughter, endeavored to make her dissemble with me, and separately,
cajoled my friends at my expense, and that of each other; excepting these
circumstances; she was a tolerably good mother, because she found her
account in being so, and concealed the faults of her daughter to turn
them to her own advantage. This woman, who had so much of my care and
attention, to whom I made so many little presents, and by whom I had it
extremely at heart to make myself beloved, was, from the impossibility of
my succeeding in this wish, the only cause of the uneasiness I suffered
in my little establishment. Except the effects of this cause I enjoyed,
during these six or seven, years, the most perfect domestic happiness of
which human weakness is capable. The heart of my Theresa was that of an
angel; our attachment increased with our intimacy, and we were more and
more daily convinced how much we were made for each other. Could our
pleasures be described, their simplicity would cause laughter. Our
walks, tete-a-tete, on the outside of the city, where I magnificently
spent eight or ten sous in each guinguette.--[Ale-house]--Our little
suppers at my window, seated opposite to each other upon two little
chairs, placed upon a trunk, which filled up the spare of the embrasure.
In this situation the window served us as a table, we respired the fresh
air, enjoyed the prospect of the environs and the people who passed; and,
although upon the fourth story, looked down into the street as we ate.

Who can describe, and how few can feel, the charms of these repasts,
consisting of a quartern loaf, a few cherries, a morsel of cheese, and
half-a-pint of wine which we drank between us? Friendship, confidence,
intimacy, sweetness of disposition, how delicious are your reasonings!
We sometimes remained in this situation until midnight, and never thought
of the hour, unless informed of it by the old lady. But let us quit
these details, which are either insipid or laughable; I have always said
and felt that real enjoyment was not to be described.

Much about the same time I indulged in one not so delicate, and the last
of the kind with which I have to reproach myself. I have observed that
the minister Klupssel was an amiable man; my connections with him were
almost as intimate as those I had with Grimm, and in the end became as
familiar; Grimm and he sometimes eat at my apartment. These repasts, a
little more than simple, were enlivened by the witty and extravagant
wantonness of expression of Klupssel, and the diverting Germanicisms of
Grimm, who was not yet become a purist.

Sensuality did not preside at our little orgies, but joy, which was
preferable, reigned in them all, and we enjoyed ourselves so well
together that we knew not how to separate. Klupssel had furnished a
lodging for a little girl, who, notwithstanding this, was at the service
of anybody, because he could not support her entirely himself. One
evening as we were going into the coffee-house, we met him coming out to
go and sup with her. We rallied him; he revenged himself gallantly, by
inviting us to the same supper, and there rallying us in our turn. The
poor young creature appeared to be of a good disposition, mild and little
fitted to the way of life to which an old hag she had with her, prepared

                                                                            250
her in the best manner she could. Wine and conversation enlivened us to
such a degree that we forgot ourselves. The amiable Klupssel was
unwilling to do the honors of his table by halves, and we all three
successively took a view of the next chamber, in company with his little
friend, who knew not whether she should laugh or cry. Grimm has always
maintained that he never touched her; it was therefore to amuse himself
with our impatience, that he remained so long in the other chamber, and
if he abstained, there is not much probability of his having done so from
scruple, because previous to his going to live with the Comte de Friese,
he lodged with girls of the town in the same quarter of St. Roch.

I left the Rue des Moineaux, where this girl lodged, as much ashamed as
Saint Preux left the house in which he had become intoxicated, and when I
wrote his story I well remembered my own. Theresa perceived by some
sign, and especially by my confusion, I had something with which I
reproached myself; I relieved my mind by my free and immediate
confession. I did well, for the next day Grimm came in triumph to relate
to her my crime with aggravation, and since that time he has never failed
maliciously to recall it to her recollection; in this he was the more
culpable, since I had freely and voluntarily given him my confidence, and
had a right to expect he would not make me repent of it. I never had a
more convincing proof than on this occasion, of the goodness of my
Theresa's heart; she was more shocked at the behavior of Grimm than at my
infidelity, and I received nothing from her but tender reproaches, in
which there was not the least appearance of anger.

The simplicity of mind of this excellent girl was equal to her goodness
of heart; and this is saying everything: but one instance of it, which is
present to my recollection, is worthy of being related. I had told her
Klupssel was a minister, and chaplain to the prince of Saxe-Gotha. A
minister was to her so singular a man, that oddly confounding the most
dissimilar ideas, she took it into her head to take Klupssel for the
pope; I thought her mad the first time she told me when I came in, that
the pope had called to see me. I made her explain herself and lost not a
moment in going to relate the story to Grimm and Klupssel, who amongst
ourselves never lost the name of pope. We gave to the girl in the Rue
des Moineaux the name of Pope Joan. Our laughter was incessant; it
almost stifled us. They, who in a letter which it hath pleased them to
attribute to me, have made me say I never laughed but twice in my life,
did not know me at this period, nor in my younger days; for if they had,
the idea could never have entered into their heads.

The year following (1750), not thinking more of my discourse; I learned
it had gained the premium at Dijon. This news awakened all the ideas
which had dictated it to me, gave them new animation, and completed the
fermentation of my heart of that first leaven of heroism and virtue which
my father, my country, and Plutarch had inspired in my infancy. Nothing
now appeared great in my eyes but to be free and virtuous, superior to
fortune and opinion, and independent of all exterior circumstances;
although a false shame, and the fear of disapprobation at first prevented
me from conducting myself according to these principles, and from

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suddenly quarreling with the maxims of the age in which I lived, I from
that moment took a decided resolution to do it.--[And of this I purposely
delayed the execution, that irritated by contradiction f it might be
rendered triumphant.]

While I was philosophizing upon the duties of man, an event happened
which made me better reflect upon my own. Theresa became pregnant for
the third time. Too sincere with myself, too haughty in my mind to
contradict my principles by my actions, I began to examine the
destination of my children, and my connections with the mother, according
to the laws of nature, justice, and reason, and those of that religion,
pure, holy, and eternal, like its author, which men have polluted while
they pretended to purify it, and which by their formularies they have
reduced to a religion of words, since the difficulty of prescribing
impossibilities is but trifling to those by whom they are not practised.

If I deceived myself in my conclusions, nothing can be more astonishing
than the security with which I depended upon them. Were I one of those
men unfortunately born deaf to the voice of nature, in whom no sentiment
of justice or humanity ever took the least root, this obduracy would be
natural. But that warmth of heart, strong sensibility, and facility of
forming attachments; the force with which they subdue me; my cruel
sufferings when obliged to break them; the innate benevolence I cherished
towards my fellow-creatures; the ardent love I bear to great virtues, to
truth and justice, the horror in which I hold evil of every kind; the
impossibility of hating, of injuring or wishing to injure anyone; the
soft and lively emotion I feel at the sight of whatever is virtuous,
generous and amiable; can these meet in the same mind with the depravity
which without scruple treads under foot the most pleasing of all our
duties? No, I feel, and openly declare this to be impossible. Never in
his whole life could J. J. be a man without sentiment or an unnatural
father. I may have been deceived, but it is impossible I should have
lost the least of my feelings. Were I to give my reasons, I should say
too much; since they have seduced me, they would seduce many others. I
will not therefore expose those young persons by whom I may be read to
the same danger. I will satisfy myself by observing that my error was
such, that in abandoning my children to public education for want of the
means of bringing them up myself; in destining them to become workmen and
peasants, rather than adventurers and fortune-hunters, I thought I acted
like an honest citizen, and a good father, and considered myself as a
member of the republic of Plato. Since that time the regrets of my heart
have more than once told me I was deceived; but my reason was so far from
giving me the same intimation, that I have frequently returned thanks to
Heaven for having by this means preserved them from the fate of their
father, and that by which they were threatened the moment I should have
been under the necessity of leaving them. Had I left them to Madam
d'Upinay, or Madam de Luxembourg, who, from friendship, generosity, or
some other motive, offered to take care of them in due time, would they
have been more happy, better brought up, or honester men? To this I
cannot answer; but I am certain they would have been taught to hate and
perhaps betray their parents: it is much better that they have never

                                                                            252
known them.

My third child was therefore carried to the foundling hospital as well as
the two former, and the next two were disposed of in the same manner; for
I have had five children in all. This arrangement seemed to me to be so
good, reasonable and lawful, that if I did not publicly boast of it, the
motive by which I was withheld was merely my regard for their mother: but
I mentioned it to all those to whom I had declared our connection, to
Diderot, to Grimm, afterwards to M. d'Epinay, and after another interval
to Madam de Luxembourg; and this freely and voluntarily, without being
under the least necessity of doing it, having it in my power to conceal
the step from all the world; for La Gouin was an honest woman, very
discreet, and a person on whom I had the greatest reliance. The only one
of my friends to whom it was in some measure my interest to open myself,
was Thierry the physician, who had the care of my poor aunt in one of her
lyings in, in which she was very ill. In a word, there was no mystery in
my conduct, not only on account of my never having concealed anything
from my friends, but because I never found any harm in it. Everything
considered, I chose the best destination for my children, or that which I
thought to be such. I could have wished, and still should be glad, had I
been brought up as they have been.

Whilst I was thus communicating what I had done, Madam. le Vasseur did
the same thing amongst her acquaintance, but with less disinterested
views. I introduced her and her daughter to Madam Dupin, who, from
friendship to me, showed them the greatest kindness. The mother confided
to her the secret of the daughter. Madam Dupin, who is generous and
kind, and to whom she never told how attentive I was to her,
notwithstanding my moderate resources, in providing for everything,
provided on her part for what was necessary, with a liberality which, by
order of her mother, the daughter concealed from me during my residence
in Paris, nor ever mentioned it until we were at the Hermitage, when she
informed me of it, after having disclosed to me several other secrets of
her heart. I did not know Madam Dupin, who never took the least notice
to me of the matter, was so well informed: I know not yet whether Madam
de Chenonceaux, her daughter-in-law, was as much in the secret: but Madam
de Brancueil knew the whole and could not refrain from prattling. She
spoke of it to me the following year, after I had left her house. This
induced me to write her a letter upon the subject, which will be found in
my collections, and wherein I gave such of my reasons as I could make
public, without exposing Madam le Vasseur and her family; the most
determinative of them came from that quarter, and these I kept profoundly
secret.

I can rely upon the discretion of Madam Dupin, and the friendship of
Madam de Chenonceaux; I had the same dependence upon that of Madam de
Francuiel, who, however, was long dead before my secret made its way into
the world. This it could never have done except by means of the persons
to whom I intrusted it, nor did it until after my rupture with them. By
this single fact they are judged; without exculpating myself from the
blame I deserve, I prefer it to that resulting from their malignity. My

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fault is great, but it was an error. I have neglected my duty, but the
desire of doing an injury never entered my heart; and the feelings of a
father were never more eloquent in favor of children whom he never saw.
But: betraying the confidence of friendship, violating the most sacred of
all engagements, publishing secrets confided to us, and wantonly
dishonoring the friend we have deceived, and who in detaching himself
from our society still respects us, are not faults, but baseness of mind,
and the last degree of heinousness.

I have promised my confession and not my justification; on which account
I shall stop here. It is my duty faithfully to relate the truth, that of
the reader to be just; more than this I never shall require of him.

The marriage of M. de Chenonceaux rendered his mother's house still more
agreeable to me, by the wit and merit of the new bride, a very amiable
young person, who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of M.
Dupin. She was the only daughter of the Viscountess de Rochechouart, a
great friend of the Comte de Friese, and consequently of Grimm's who was
very attentive to her. However, it was I who introduced him to her
daughter; but their characters not suiting each other, this connection
was not of long duration; and Grimm, who from that time aimed at what was
solid, preferred the mother, a woman of the world, to the daughter who
wished for steady friends, such as were agreeable to her, without
troubling her head about the least intrigue, or making any interest
amongst the great. Madam Dupin no longer finding in Madam de Chenonceaux
all the docility she expected, made her house very disagreeable to her,
and Madam de Chenonceaux, having a great opinion of her own merit, and,
perhaps, of her birth, chose rather to give up the pleasures of society,
and remain almost alone in her apartment, than to submit to a yoke she
was not disposed to bear. This species of exile increased my attachment
to her, by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the
wretched, I found her mind metaphysical and reflective, although at times
a little sophistical; her conversation, which was by no means that of a
young woman coming from a convent, had for me the greatest attractions;
yet she was not twenty years of age. Her complexion was seducingly fair;
her figure would have been majestic had she held herself more upright.
Her hair, which was fair, bordering upon ash color, and uncommonly
beautiful, called to my recollection that of my poor mamma in the flower
of her age, and strongly agitated my heart. But the severe principles I
had just laid down for myself, by which at all events I was determined to
be guided, secured me from the danger of her and her charms. During the
whole summer I passed three or four hours a day in a tete-a-tete
conversation with her, teaching her arithmetic, and fatiguing her with my
innumerable ciphers, without uttering a single word of gallantry, or even
once glancing my eyes upon her. Five or six years later I should not
have had so much wisdom or folly; but it was decreed I was never to love
but once in my life, and that another person was to have the first and
last sighs of my heart.

Since I had lived in the house of Madam Dupin, I had always been
satisfied with my situation, without showing the least sign of a desire

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to improve it. The addition which, in conjunction with M. de Francueil,
she had made to my salary, was entirely of their own accord. This year
M. de Francueil, whose friendship for me daily increased, had it in his
thoughts to place me more at ease, and in a less precarious situation.
He was receiver-general of finance. M. Dudoyer, his cash-keeper, was old
and rich, and wished to retire. M. de Francueil offered me his place,
and to prepare myself for it, I went during a few weeks, to Dudoyer, to
take the necessary instructions. But whether my talents were ill-suited
to the employment, or that M. Dudoyer, who I thought wished to procure
his place for another, was not in earnest in the instructions he gave me,
I acquired by slow degrees, and very imperfectly, the knowledge I was in
want of, and could never understand the nature of accounts, rendered
intricate, perhaps designedly. However, without having possessed myself
of the whole scope of the business, I learned enough of the method to
pursue it without the least difficulty; I even entered on my new office;
I kept the cashbook and the cash; I paid and received money, took and
gave receipts; and although this business was so ill suited to my
inclinations as to my abilities, maturity of years beginning to render me
sedate, I was determined to conquer my disgust, and entirely devote
myself to my new employment.

Unfortunately for me, I had no sooner begun to proceed without
difficulty, than M. de Francueil took a little journey, during which I
remained intrusted with the cash, which, at that time, did not amount to
more than twenty-five to thirty thousand livres. The anxiety of mind
this sum of money occasioned me, made me perceive I was very unfit to be
a cash-keeper, and I have no doubt but my uneasy situation, during his
absence, contributed to the illness with which I was seized after his
return.

I have observed in my first part that I was born in a dying state. A
defect in the bladder caused me, during my early years, to suffer an
almost continual retention of urine, and my Aunt Susan, to whose care I
was intrusted, had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me. However,
she succeeded, and my robust constitution at length got the better of all
my weakness, and my health became so well established that except the
illness from languor, of which I have given an account, and frequent
heats in the bladder which the least heating of the blood rendered
troublesome, I arrived at the age of thirty almost without feeling my
original infirmity. The first time this happened was upon my arrival at
Venice. The fatigue of the voyage, and the extreme heat I had suffered,
renewed the burnings, and gave me a pain in the loins, which continued
until the beginning of winter. After having seen padoana, I thought
myself near the end of my career, but I suffered not the least
inconvenience. After exhausting my imagination more than my body for my
Zulietta, I enjoyed better health than ever. It was not until after the
imprisonment of Diderot that the heat of blood, brought on by my journeys
to Vincennes during the terrible heat of that summer, gave me a violent
nephritic colic, since which I have never recovered my primitive good
state of health.


                                                                            255
At the time of which I speak, having perhaps fatigued myself too much in
the filthy work of the cursed receiver-general's office, I fell into a
worse state than ever, and remained five or six weeks in my bed in the
most melancholy state imaginable. Madam Dupin sent me the celebrated
Morand who, notwithstanding his address and the delicacy of his touch,
made me suffer the greatest torments. He advised me to have recourse to
Daran, who, in fact gave me some relief: but Morand, when he gave Madam
Dupin an account of the state I was in, declared to her I should not be
alive in six months. This afterwards came to my ear, and made me reflect
seriously on my situation and the folly of sacrificing the repose of the
few days I had to live to the slavery of an employment for which I felt
nothing but disgust. Besides, how was it possible to reconcile the
severe principles I had just adopted to a situation with which they had
so little relation? Should not I, the cash-keeper of a receiver-general
of finances, have preached poverty and disinterestedness with a very ill
grace? These ideas fermented so powerfully in my mind with the fever,
and were so strongly impressed, that from that time nothing could remove
them; and, during my convalescence, I confirmed myself with the greatest
coolness in the resolutions I had taken during my delirium. I forever
abandoned all projects of fortune and advancement, resolved to pass in
independence and poverty the little time I had to exist. I made every
effort of which my mind was capable to break the fetters of prejudice,
and courageously to do everything that was right without giving myself
the least concern about the judgment of others. The obstacles I had to
combat, and the efforts I made to triumph over them, are inconceivable.
I succeeded as much as it was possible I should, and to a greater degree
than I myself had hoped for. Had I at the same time shaken off the yoke
of friendship as well as that of prejudice, my design would have been
accomplished, perhaps the greatest, at least the most useful one to
virtue, that mortal ever conceived; but whilst I despised the foolish
judgments of the vulgar tribe called great and wise, I suffered myself to
be influenced and led by persons who called themselves my friends.
These, hurt at seeing me walk alone in a new path, while I seemed to take
measures for my happiness, used all their endeavors to render me
ridiculous, and that they might afterwards defame me, first strove to
make me contemptible. It was less my literary fame than my personal
reformation, of which I here state the period, that drew upon me their
jealousy; they perhaps might have pardoned me for having distinguished
myself in the art of writing; but they could never forgive my setting
them, by my conduct, an example, which, in their eyes, seemed to reflect
on themselves. I was born for friendship; my mind and easy disposition
nourished it without difficulty. As long as I lived unknown to the
public I was beloved by all my private acquaintance, and I had not a
single enemy. But the moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a
friend. This, was a great misfortune; but a still greater was that of
being surrounded by people who called themselves my friends, and used the
rights attached to that sacred name to lead me on to destruction. The
succeeding part of these memoirs will explain this odious conspiracy. I
here speak of its origin, and the manner of the first intrigue will
shortly appear.


                                                                            256
In the independence in which I lived, it was, however, necessary to
subsist. To this effect I thought of very simple means: which were
copying music at so much a page. If any employment more solid would have
fulfilled the same end I would have taken it up; but this occupation
being to my taste, and the only one which, without personal attendance,
could procure me daily bread, I adopted it. Thinking I had no longer
need of foresight, and, stifling the vanity of cash-keeper to a
financier, I made myself a copyist of music. I thought I had made an
advantageous choice, and of this I so little repented, that I never
quitted my new profession until I was forced to do it, after taking a
fixed resolution to return to it a