Page 9A • Wednesday, August 5, 2009
‘I invented the Darwin Awards …’ Marriage
BY JIM TATUM As
mother
my out by my feet, which result-
ed in more shrieking and an
and when the Big Wheel tilts
to one side, pull that hand-
interpretations
There’s an old joke: What and grand- even tighter obstruction. brake as hard as you can. BY JULIE R. SMITH
are a redneck’s last words? mother Ultimately, they had to call “It’ll look cool — just like
S
“Hey ya’ll, wartch this!” were in the a contractor to come in and something Evel Knievel cenes from a marriage:
As I just shamelessly other room disassemble the cabinets. would do,” we’d promise. • Widdle Baby is both the worst snorer and
cribbed an old joke, I’ll con- entertain- Six months later, I would And just like something Evel the lightest sleeper on earth. (Actually, my
tinue the trend by taking a line ing a flock nearly decapitate myself try- Knievel would do, the stunt late grandfather takes the prize: From his attic bed-
from Al Gore. of old hens ing to retrieve a set of cym- would malfunction spectacu- room, he could hear a beer tab popping in the base-
“I invented the Darwin from the bals for my drum set from larly and the rider would ment.)
Awards.” Methodist Church, my explo- the top of a tall bookshelf. take a plunge, wooly Widdle’s snores are more like rhythmic, gurgling
Okay, not really. But hey, ration went largely unhin- Fortunately, I was a fat kid sweater, galoshes and all, shrieks. Since he always nods off first, I have
I’m astonished I’m still dered, which suited me fine, with a fat head, and the cym- into the cold and slimy to lie there and listen to this unholy symphony.
around considering the at least until I gave myself too bal that impacted into my depths. I used to stroke his shoulder and whisper,
extraordinarily dumb things close an inspection. neck had to plow through The day I pulled the hand- “Darling, you’re snoring, sweetie.”
I’ve done over the years. You must understand that I several inches of double chin brake, it was about 45 Nowadays I punch him in
Oh, what are the Darwin had a rather large head for before coming close to sev- degrees outside and the pool the kidneys and snarl, “Roll
Awards, you may ask? such a little kid. I wasn’t quite ering a vital artery. was covered with a filthy, over, you rotter!”
They’re honorable mentions hydro encephalitic, but con- A few years later, my crud encrusted vinyl tarp. Sometimes he mumbles,
given to people, posthumous- ceivably, I could have had cousins and I came up with a “Don’t worry about it,” my “Why, baby? Why?” like a
ly of course, who have died small asteroids orbiting my new sport. I forgot what we cousin, the Lying Avenger, country song, before blacking
while doing bizarrely stupid ears. called it, but it involved rid- said. “It’s just like a trampo- out again. Other times I give
things, thus taking themselves Combine this head with a ing a Big Wheel at break- line. You’ll bounce right up and stomp off to the guest
out of the gene pool and narrow cabinet — one that neck speed around their fam- back out. You won’t even get room. But by morning, we’re
improving our overall can hold only those flat bis- ily swimming pool. The con- wet. Trust me.” back in each other’s arms.
species. cuit pans, and you soon have crete coping, complete with I’m sure that’s what Evel Moral: Love can be exhaust-
I guess we start gunning for a recipe for disaster. In this sharp curves at the deep end, Knievel’s cousin told him ing.
the Darwins early in life. case, I had attempted to turn made a great racetrack. right before he tried to jump • Last week, tucked in the back of my bath-
Ever since I was a little kid, my head; my ears had folded The idea was to take them the Snake River Canyon. room closet, I found an old bottle of honest-to-
I have really enjoyed engag- in on themselves, and soon, as fast as possible without Needless to say, me and ol’ gosh French perfume. I bought it after my
ing in behaviors that normally like a mastodon in a tarp, I taking a spill into the drink. Evel both got mighty wet. divorce because it smelled like hope.
get people killed, maimed, was helplessly trapped. This was an activity usually Right now, my wife is pret- I spritzed a dab on my neck. After 12 years it
arrested, or deported. From I think my first shriek sent reserved for mid-winter, ty good about making sure I smelled more like garlic than hope, but I
playing with matches to bottle the Methodist ladies scream- when the pool had gone from don’t do incredibly dumb shrugged and went about my day.
rocket wars, if it was incredi- ing into the streets — they aqua blue pristine paradise things, In fact, just a few A few hours later Widdle and I were running
bly dumb, I’ve probably done undoubtedly believed some- to frigid, fetid, green-slimed, minutes ago she informed me errands when he coughed and said, “Did you
it. one was ritually sacrificing dead bug-covered lagoon. that I left the stove on with a use Ben-Gay or something?”
Some people would call it bantam roosters in the The real trick was to talk pan full of bacon grease sit- “French perfume,” I said. “Why?”
living on the edge. Those peo- kitchen. Shortly after that, some idiot — a younger sib- ting on the eye. Come to “I taste it in my mouf!” he gagged, gripping
ple are dead. my mother and grandmother ling or annoying kid we had think of it, I was wondering the steering wheel. “Baby! You reek!”
My first brush with the thundered into the room, to play with — into taking what that smell was. We rolled the windows down and laughed all
Darwins came when I was only to see my tiny pamper- the real sharp curve at the This weekend I’m going to the way home.
about two. For some reason, I encased butt and two fat legs deep end at top speed. The experiment with a new high- Moral: He loves me even when I stink.
decided it would be interest- pedaling helplessly in the air way to successfully do that, end fuel mix of my own • I’m a diehard insomniac, but Widdle can
ing to see what the wallpaper from the bottom of the oven. we would tell the newbies, invention for the weed crash anytime, anywhere. A couple of weeks
inside my grandmother’s bak- My mom complicated mat- was to get up full steam, hit whacker. ago we went to a movie. (“Year One”—wait
ing pan cabinet looked like. ters by attempting to drag me the turn as hard as possible, Hey ya’ll … wartch this! for the DVD.) Halfway through, I looked over
at Widdle. He was motionless, with his head
slumped forward.
GROOMS I whispered, “I know you’re not sleeping at a
Judd Apatow movie.”
from page 1A No response. I peered closer. His chin was on
McMaster, and Congressman Gresham Barrett. his chest. His eyes were closed.
Brent Nelson of Greenville told Saturday’s Pure fear clotted in my stomach. Widdle is
audience he is running for superintendent of my world, my heart, my life. So I did what any
education, which is currently the only statewide devoted wife would do. I hauled off and
office held by a Democrat. punched him with all my might, bawling,
“ARE YOU ASLEEP?!?”
“We need to win back a seat for the Republican
Heads turned. He jerked upright. The fear
Party,” Nelson said. “We need all Republicans
melted.
partnering for education in South Carolina.”
“I thought you were dead,” I said.
Rep. Tim Scott briefly addressed the crowd to
He rubbed his shoulder. “Next time, just take
announce that he is considering a run for Lt.
my pulse!” he hissed.
Governor.
Moral: Hitting is bad.
Bill Connor of Orangeburg, a Citadel graduate, • In January I ate something bad in North
Afghanistan Veteran and candidate for Lt. Carolina, but didn’t know it until I returned to
Governor, called jobs the number one issue in South Carolina. I told Widdle all about my
South Carolina. trip, took a bath and went to bed. At 1 a.m. I
Carroll Campbell III, the son of the late Gov. awoke, drenched in sweat, and bolted to the
Carroll Campbell, addressed the crowd as a bathroom.
Congressional candidate for the seat held by At 6 a.m. Widdle opened the door, gasped
Republican Congressman Henry Brown. and said, “We’re going to the ER.”
Campbell said he was drawn into the race by Face-down on the floor, I mumbled,
the condition of the state and nation. “President Frank Johnson/Independent “Whatever.” He hauled my disgusting body to
Obama is driving us into socialism,” he said. Over 200 Republicans attended Saturday’s breakfast in Goose Creek. the car, and later held my hand as a nurse
inserted the IVs that brought sweet relief.
South Carolina Real Property experience a slight increase in you and answer any questions When they released me after several hours, I
BILLS Valuation Act of 2006. taxes, most property taxes you might have,” Davis said. glanced at myself in a mirror and almost threw
from page 1A Properties which have trans- will either remain close to the “We want to make sure you up again. My face was blotchy, puffy and
ferred ownership, experi- same or even decrease,” completely understand the greasy. My hair stood on end, slimy with…
are more, according to the
enced a zoning change or are Baggett informed council let’s say sweat. I looked and smelled like hot
Berkeley County website, notice and how your new
subject to a rollback after during Monday night’s meet- garbage.
www.berkeleycountysc.gov. reassessment will affect you.” “Honey, I’m sorry I look like this,” I moaned.
December 2006 are consid- ing.
According to the website, if The Moncks Corner phone “You look fine,” Widdle said gallantly. “I’ve
ered Assessable Transfers of Davis encouraged property
property has been owned con- number for the Berkeley always liked you without makeup.” See why I
Interest (ATI’s) and will be owners to read the assessment
tinuously since the last reappraised based upon the notice carefully and to call the County Real Property adore this man?
assessment in 2004, the prop- fair market value as of Dec. Real Property Department if Department is (843) 719- Moral: Sometimes love requires a lie.
erty value for tax assessment 31 of the year the ATI there are any questions 4061. Visit the county web-
purposes will increase no occurred. regarding the letter. site at www.berkeleycoun- Julie R. Smith, who would eat fire for her hus-
more than 15 percent, per the “While some people may “Our staff will work with tysc.gov. band, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.
expectant highs above 90 year’s Sertoma Classic. year we’re going to have to during the Wando game last
CROSS FOOTBALL degrees during the heat of In St. Stephen the be a little more innovative October gives Brown a
from page 1A from page 1A the day. The stiff breeze, Timberland Wolves hope to with what we do.” potent three-headed beast
federal law. Friday workouts, and however, kept the humidity regroup after the exodus of Berkeley Stags head of an offense.
low. the most prolific class in coach Jerry Brown is look- “We should be very expe-
“We cannot deny their everyone in helmet and
The Cross Trojans under wins in THS history. The ing like a guy holding three rienced on offense this
option of choice. Parents pads saw the stiff breeze as
new head coach Shawn Wolves will alter their aces; aces as in running year,” said Brown, a master
who have chosen to transfer a good sign.
Wright wasted no time in offensive attack significant- backs Pernell Irving, Bruce of the understatement.
are not here tonight.” “You can’t beat this,” said kicking off the 2009 season ly, relying on the rocket left Ellington and Dante The Stags drew Woodland
School board meetings, Timberland head coach Art with a midnight practice arm of senior quarterback Richardson. Irving and in the Sertoma Classic and
which are open to the pub- Craig. “I think we bought a under the lights and an Cody Craig. Ellington will split time open up August 28 on the
lic, are held on the second little bit of a break with this overnight mini-camp. “Last year we were a run- under center with the other road against Dutch Fork.
and fourth Tuesday of each breeze this morning.” “The kids were pretty ning team, but this year in the halfback slot. For a closer look at the
month at 6:30 p.m. at the Temperatures hovered in excited,” said Wright. we’re going to throw the Richardson, who has start of football practice at
school district offices in the upper 80’s during the The Trojans will take on ball more,” said Wolves recovered completely from all three schools, see
Moncks Corner. mid-morning practices with Academic Magnet in this head coach Art Craig. “This the broken foot he suffered Sports.
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