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DATING by pengxiang


									DATING                                                                                                 relationship. Sometimes an engagement or marriage ends because one person has been truly
                                                                                                       disloyal, has had an affair with someone else, for example, but often it is because one person has
                                                                                                       failed to live up to the expectations of the other. These expectations are frequently unrealistic,
            "...and they lived happily ever after." So end most fairy tales, giving us an idealized
                                                                                                       based on fairy tale ideas of married bliss. Ironically, many people who are the products of this
picture of romantic love as a love that lasts forever and guarantees lifelong happiness. Since this
                                                                                                       kind of broken engagement or divorce do not quickly give up their belief in perfect, endless
popular misconception appears all around us in modern novels, love songs, movies, and even
                                                                                                       love. Instead, they may go on for years in their search for the ideal partner, and live hopefully
advertisements, it is not surprising that most people have unrealistic expectations about love and
                                                                                                       (not happily) ever after.
marriage. They think that if they look hard enough, they will find the one person who will
satisfy all their needs. They also assume that if they do fall in love with the "right" person, the
initial excitement will never fade. Many people retain these ideas long after they have become
adults, or at least until they have been married several years. But before that time comes, the        COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS
search for true love will probably have taken them through the stages of dating, romantic
involvement, and the building of a successful (or unsuccessful) long- term relationship.               1.    Why do most people have unrealistic expectations about love and marriage?
            Dating procedures vary from culture to culture. In societies where arranged marriages      2.    What are some of the various dating procedures people use? 3. What is the process of
are still popular, a matchmaker may first arrange a date between two people who have only seen               falling in love?
each other's photographs. Blind dates are popular in other societies too, but are arranged by          4.    What does the engagement period provide?
family or friends instead of by matchmakers. Adventurous individuals can set up their own dates        5.    What are some of the stresses and strains of adjustment?
by writing or answering advertisements in the "Personals" column of a newspaper, or by using
computer dating services. Some may even join video dating clubs, where they first watch tapes
of prospective dates chatting about themselves.                                                        USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR TALKING ABOUT DATING
            In many societies, casual dating is an accepted way for teenagers or young adults to
get to know someone. A young man may go out with one woman on Friday night and another on              to accept each other's faults/imperfections       to idealize someone
Saturday, without being considered dishonest. Later, if he finds he is attracted to one woman, he      to accept their differences                       an idealized picture of
will ask her out more often, and if she doesn't turn him down, they may end up seeing each other       an accepted way                                   to ignore each other's shortcomings
regularly, perhaps exclusively. However, while dating may be casual, there are usually                 arranged marriage                                 to be in love with
unwritten rules of dating etiquette. The most universal rule appears to be that men are the            to ask a woman out                                initial excitement fades
pursuers and women are the pursued; while some modern women are asking men out and                     to be attracted to someone                        lifelong happiness
picking up the tab, it is far more common for men to do the asking and the paying.                     a blind date                                      to live up to another's expectations
            Going on dates is a way to find out whether a new acquaintance is your type, a way to      to break your engagement                          love at first sight
discover if someone you have a crush on is really fun to be with, and, ultimately, a way to locate     to break up                                       to make a lifetime commitment to someone
a potential marriage partner. Some people speak of "love at first sight," but for most people          to build a (healthy) relationship                 to make compromises to make up
falling in love is a process; at some point being friends and having a comfort- able rapport with      casual dating                                     married bliss
someone leads to more romantic feelings. Often, love creates the kind of excitement described          to be compatible with someone                     mutual attraction
when we say, "He's crazy about her," or "She's head over heels in love with him." But always, if       computer dating services                          a mutual understanding
two people are in love with each other, it seems that they have a strong mutual understanding          to be crazy about someone                         to pick up the tab
and find it is easy to share their deepest feelings. When there is mutual attraction, eventually the   dating etiquette                                  popular misconception
two may think about "tying the knot," "taking the plunge," "making a lifetime commitment to            different educational/ethnic backgrounds          to be possessive
each other"--in other words, getting married!                                                          to fall in love                                   a potential marriage partner
            Usually, getting married is preceded by getting engaged. The engagement period is an       to find out whether he is your type               prospective dates
opportunity for a couple to learn more about each other and find out how compatible they really        fun to be with                                    to pursue a woman the "right" person
are. When people fall in love, they tend to idealize each other and unconsciously ignore each          to get engaged/married                            romantic involvement
other's shortcomings. In order to build a healthy relationship, two people need to recognize and       to get to know someone                            to satisfy all your needs
accept each other's faults and imperfections. Furthermore, different social, educational, and          the give-and-take                                 to see a person regularly
ethnic backgrounds will inevitably result in different attitudes toward marriage, the role of          to give him special attention                     to set up a date
women, and so on. If the partners cannot accept their differences and make compromises, it is          to go on a date                                   the stresses/strains of adjustment
probably better to end their relationship while they are still friends.                                to go out with someone                            a successful relationship
            Of course, even good relationships must go through the stresses and strains of             to have an affair with someone                    to take the plunge to tie the knot
adjustment. The man may take the woman for granted now that he has "caught" her, and not               to have a comfortable rapport with                to turn someone down
give her the special attention that he used to. The woman may be too possessive, and become            to have a crush on                                to be head over heels in love with
jealous when the man wants to do something alone or with his male friends. Couples may break
up and make up more than once as they struggle to learn the give-and-take of a good
DATING CONVERSATION ONE BLUEPRINT                                                         DATING CONVERSATION TWO BLUEPRINT
                                                                                              In our country, what do you think is the average age for people to marry?
    Do you think it's possible to fall in love with a person you have met through a         .... Do you think that's correct?
     newspaper ad? Why?                                                                      .... How important is age when people marry?
    because .... By the way, how would you define love?                                     .... Do you think partners should be close in age?
    .... What do you think the word "love" means? Is there more than one kind of            In my opinion ..... Does it matter if the woman is older than the man?
     love?                                                                                   .... Do you know a couple in which one person is much older? How does it affect the
    .... Do you believe in love at first sight?                                              marriage?
    .... How about you?                                                                     .... Besides age, another criterion we should think about in finding a marriage partner
                                                                                              is education. Do you think that partners should have the same amount of education?
    .... Anyway, do you think answering newspaper advertisements is a good way to
                                                                                             .... What do you think, how could different educational backgrounds influence a
     meet people?                                                                             marriage?
    ....                                                                                    .... Do you think highly educated women have a harder or easier time finding
    .... What do you think are some good ways or places to meet people?                      husbands? Why?
    .... Do you think a TV dating show is a good place to meet a potential partner?         .... because.... Let's consider economic status, can a person from a middle class family
    .... How would you feel about being on that kind of program?                             find -happiness with one from a lower class family?
    ....                                                                                    .... Do you agree? How important are class differences?
    Have you ever known anyone who used a computer or video dating service? If so,          .... Which do you think has a larger influence on a marriage, a difference in age,
     what was their experience?                                                               education, or class? Why?
    .... Do you think blind dates arranged by computer are better than blind dates          .... because.... Speaking of differences, how do you feel about marriages between two
     arranged by matchmakers or friends?                                                      people from different countries--intercultural marriages?
    .... What do you think?                                                                 .... Do you know any couples like this? If so, do you find they have special problems?
    .... What kinds of blind dates have you had? Did you have a good time?                  .... Can you think of any advantages or disadvantages for children of intercultural
    .... Do(did) you like blind dates, or do(did) you prefer to find your own dating
                                                                                              .... Let's talk about what particular qualities people hope to find in a marriage partner.
                                                                                              For example, what do most men want in a wife? Beauty? A sense of humor? What?
    .... By the way, how old were you when you went on your first date?
                                                                                             ....      Do you agree? What would you add to my ideas?
    .... How about you?                                                                     .... .     Do you think women want the same things in a partner as men want?
    .... Do you think dating has changed much in the last fifty years? How?                 .... What qualities do you think women want in a husband?
    .... Besides rules about who calls and who pays, what do you think are some other       .... Which do you think most women would prefer.. a rich husband they didn't love, or
     unwritten rules of dating etiquette in our society?                                      a poor husband that they did?
    .... Do you have any ideas about this?                                                  .... Do you agree?
    .... Do you think most men would enjoy having women pay sometimes? Why, or              .... And how about men? Would they prefer a beautiful woman with low
     why not?                                                                                 intelligence, or an intelligent woman with average looks?
    ..., because.... How about asking a person out, how would people feel about             .... Do you think I'm right?
     women calling men for dates?                                                            .... Let's talk about marriage itself for a minute. After two people marry, what can
    .... If a woman asked a man out to dinner, which one should pay?                         they do to help make the marriage be happy and successful?
    .... Usually the man pursues and the woman is pursued. But if a woman is crazy          .... Do you have any ideas about this, about what helps make a marriage work?
     about a man, should she speak first and tell him her feelings?                          .... Think about the couples that you know. Do you think most of them accept each
:   1 think that.... What do you think about this situation?                                 other's faults?
    .... Very often, one person is very attracted to another, but the other person is       ....    Do you believe we should just accept each other's faults? Shouldn't we try to
     really not interested. In that case, should the other person turn down a date?           change them?
    .... What do you think? If a woman isn't very interested in a man, but he asks her      .... Is it better to know a person's shortcomings before you marry him or her? Or
                                                                                              should love be blind?
     to a very nice and expensive restaurant, should she accept?
                                                                                             .... By the way, do you think married people are usually happier than single people?
       you ever been in this kind of situation of unequal attraction?

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