Learning Center
Plans & pricing Sign in
Sign Out



									    CO= The Chosen One MP= Master Pain MT= Master Tang

                   Kung Pow: Enter the Fist:
                  Chapter 1: The Chosen One

(baby fussing)
Mother: Perhaps we should take him to the Abbot in the morning.
Father: No, no one should know of this.
Father: Can I help you?
(rustling, woman screaming)
MP: Ahh!
Henchman: Master Pain, what do we do?
MP: Open the Mouth.
(baby giggles)
Henchman1: (gasps) The Chosen One!
MP: Huh? What? Baby--
(grunting, groaning)
MP: Kill It!
Henchman2: We will all be cursed!
(both scream)
MP: Hmm. Hmm?
MP: Mm? Hmm!
MP: Mm, lighter, mm-hmm.
(baby Thuds)
Peasant Lady: So Cute. (laughs) Bye-Bye!
                    Chapter 2: The Wanderer
Man: (Steve Oedekerk) He‟s in the movie, (Jennifer Tung) So is
She. (Leo Lee) He is too. Oh, It‟s Starting Now.

Narrator: The child had become a man. Rolling to the bottom of a
gully, he was raised by various rodents. Having no true home, he
wandered the wilderness in search of the one who stole his life.
So on he walked…and sometimes drove. And occasionally, partied
with the desert creatures.
(creatures chanting) Party! Party! Party!
Narrator: Little did he know… that before him lie a mystical world
of great warriors and legends.
Bad Guy with Lisp: Your days are over, mister.
(attack yell)
Narrator: He lived under constant attack. What they had not
accomplished when he was a child… they sought to now finish.
(grunting, groaning)
Narrator: Through his adversity, he learned to fight…(gasps) and
fight well. The more he fought, the more his powers grew.
(whistles) I mean, crap, man! Look at that.
Narrator: That‟s, like, his stomach plug on the ground back there.
(scoffs) You don‟t see that every day. I mean, that doesn‟t even
seem possible if you think about it, with body organs and cartilage
and bones and—I mean I‟m no doctor, but it was like one clean
chunk. Uh-Oh. Trouble.
                      Chapter 3: One-Man Army
Demonic Voice: Open Your Mouth!
(leader roars) (all yelling)
CO: yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Tongey: yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Uuh!
(grunting, groaning)
CO: I need gopher-chucks.
(gophers squealing)
(roaring, seething)
CO: Uh—
(sustained Yell)
CO: Uuh!
                 Chapter 4: Help From Master Tang
All: Our…sexual…preferences…are…our…own…business.
(both chuckling)
-Oh, you.
All: Alfalfa.
(bell rings)
Ling: Hey, oh. Huh?
Wimp Lo: He‟s an outsider. Have you ever seen him before?
Ling: mm-mm. Well, twice.
Wimp Lo: Hey, who‟s he?
Student: I don‟t Know
CO: …and that day, I vowed to find the man who killed my family.
Can you help me?
MT: And why have you come to me?
CO: You are master Tang. Your skills are greatly known. I‟ve
traveled many years and miles to find you.
MT: How many miles? Would you say ten million?
CO: Eh—No, I don‟t think ten million. Look, I need your help. I live
under constant attack.
MT: Hmmm. Your story makes my heart heavy…and my prostate
weak. My bladder is full to bursting. I feel for you and your grave
loss. However it will be impossible for us to help you.
CO: Master, I emplore you to recosider.
MT: Hmm. Okay! The man you seek, his name is Master Pain. He
has great powers and is well protected by the Evil Council.
(gagging, coughing) But now I am in a quandary. For if your story
is true, then you would—Huh? (gagging) (clears throat) what are
the odds of that? (swallows) You would be the chosen one.
(squeak-toy sound)
Wimp Lo: Master
MT: Ah, again with the squeaky shoes.
Wimp Lo: Master, I was hoping one day I could be the Chosen
MT: Be quiet!
Wimp Lo: Master! I don‟t like him very much. Let‟s kill him.
MY: Sit dwon!
Wimp Lo: Eeyah!
(squeaks, sighs)
MT: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have
purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.
Wimp Lo: Hah! (tittering) If you‟ve got an ass, I‟ll kick it.
CO: Hmm.
MT: Legend tells us that the true Chosen One…will bear the mark
of infinate wisdom.
Tongey: Yea, yea!
MT: What in God‟s name is that thing?
CO: He seems to be the reason I‟m pursued. There are so many
things I‟ve yet to understand.
MT: Does it have a name?
CO: Tonguey.
MT: I should not have asked. Still, this is a glorious day, for the
Cosen One has come to free us from the Evil Council. I remember
a long time ago…when a good friend of mine told me…there would
be a Chosen One.
Friend: There will be a Chosen One.
MT: Then he told me… of the significance
Friend: It will be significant.
MT: And then he killed the dog.
(grunting, farting) (dog whines, thudding)
CO: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?
MT: Oh, you wont even believe what happened next.
CO: No, please!
MT: Very well, Chosen One. I invite you to train with us…until you
fund the whereabouts of Master Pain.
Wimp Lo: I‟ll do it!
MT: In your dreams! Ohh—(coughing) yes, yes. Yes, play me like a
drum. (groaning) (clearing throat) By the way, my student Ling,
here, will assist you. Be not concerned of her shyness, for it will
pass. There you go.
CO: I will stay… eh, to train. Thank you, master Tang.
(coughing) MT: Now, you two, on with your training.
Student: Yes, sure.
MT: As you know, I am a man of special needs. You will now
receive the fist of fury. (coughing) Prepare the long rubber glove.
(rubber stretching, snapping.) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I wonder
where my glove will go.
Henchmen: Open your mouth! Open it! You! Open! (grunting,
Man: Hey, guys, whats goin‟ on? (groaning) Hey! Ooh!
Mayor: Master Pain, it is a great honor having you beating random
people in our town. Especially that helpless man you just hit.
                   Chapter 5: Wimp Lo‟s Jealously
Wimp Lo: Hmm. My finger points.
Ling: Wimp Lo, you must be careful. Your confidence is
disproportional to your abilities. You think losing is winning.
Wimp Lo: Heh? Uh, uh—Huh?
Ling: Hmm. The Chosen One is here to help us. I like him a lot
Wimp Lo: Listen! Shh. I see the way you look at him. I‟m a man too
you know. I go pee-pee standing up.
Ling: Hmm. Mm.
Wimp Lo: I will defeat him!
Ling: Please, don‟t!
Wimp Lo: I will…defeat him! (squeaking)
Wee! Wee!
                        Chapter 6: In Training
Narrator: The Chosen One trained, for part of him knew what
lied ahead. Wow! I‟ll have some of whatever he‟s smokin‟!
All: Huh! Huh! Huh!
Narrator: The others soon warmed up to him…and his “friend.”
Tongey: Mm! Mm, mm!
                      Chapter 7: The Challenge
Wimp Lo: Hmm. Knock, Knock. Who‟s there? Your butt that‟s
about to be kicked. Take a close look, „cause I rule, baby!
CO: And who do you rule? The Large, Dark Nipple People?
Wimp Lo: I rock… and roll…all day long, sweet Susie! (giggling) I
challenge you!
Wimp Lo: Leap that wall, if you‟re so great.
CO: Hmm!
(squeaking) Wimp Lo: Big deal. Up and over! Oi!
CO: Hmm!
Wimp Lo: Huh! Now we‟ll…learn who‟s the best. Hmm! Huh? I—
Uh—(squeaking) Aha! Face-to-foot style. How‟d you like it?
CO: I‟m sure on some planet your style is quite impressive. But
your weak link is, this is Earth.
(exasperated Sigh)
Wimp Lo: Oh, yea! Try my nuts to your fist style! Oh! Uuh! Who‟s
laughing now?
Ling: Please, stop! Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter! A child could beat
CO: I‟m going to count to three, and if I hear one more friggin‟
squeak, I‟m gonna take his shoes and shove „em up his—
Citizen: Chosen One, Master Pain‟s in town!
Ling: Did you hear that? Master Pain? Are you sure?
Wimp Lo: Gotcha now! Guy-ee!
Citizen: Ay, ay! Why? Why?
Ling: No! Please!
Wimp Lo: I am bleeding, making me the victor.
Citizen: Master Pain‟s meeting with the mayor. Oh, this is bad.
(suppressed scream)
                  Chapter 8: Master Pain Performs
(Men chattering)
Henchman: Eh, Master Pain…will perform his skill. Please.
MP: Mm, hah!
MP: Towel. Mm, thanks.
(clears throat)
Henchman: Now, then, Master Pain has heard rumor that the
Chosen One was spotted in town. Do what he says, or he‟ll cut off
your big toe. On that you can trust me. Let him hear it. Oh, that‟s
tender. That is tender.
(chuckles weakly)
MP: Thank you. I have been called “bad” before. Many have said I
do things that are not correct to do. I don‟t believe in such talk
as this. I am nice man with happy feelings all of the time! First, a
joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee
cord?……..My ass. Nyah, ha ha! Ha ha!
(all laugh)
MP: Enough!
CO: Hmph!
MP: Gentlemen, from this day forward you will all refer to me by
the name “Betty.” (laughing)
CO: But isn‟t Betty a woman‟s name?
Henchman: Easy, Easy! We don‟t want to lose anymore toes here.
You‟ll all have to excuse Master Pain—uh, Betty. It‟s 12:00 and
time for his nap. Heh, Betty?
Betty: Hmm, sleepy time.
Henchman: Come Along. Whoo! Aah!
                         Chapter 9: The Test
CO: I must find if I, too, possess this special skill. Remember, do
not stop until I give you the signal, or dramatically throw you to
the ground and request a towel. (clears throat) I‟m ready.
(grunting, groaning) Ooh, ow! You can‟t—Could you please—
Beater1: Er, uh, should we keep going?
Beater2: He said to hit him until he gave the signal to stop. Did
anyone hear the signal?
Beater3: Well, he was whining for a while.
Beater2: Do you think whining was the signal?
Beater1: Hey, whoa, easy. We should wait a second or so.
(both grunting)
Beater1: Hey guys, come on. Oh, well.
(grunting, groaning resumes)
Beater1: Hey, wait, wait.
(back cracking)
Beater1: He did say the part about dramatically throwing us off
his body.
All: Oh, that‟s right. Yeah.
Beater2: Okay. Go Ahead. Throw us off! He‟s not going to die, is
he? You think he wants his towel? Hey, uh—
Beater1: That‟s pretty still.
Beater2: Maybe it‟s time we should—we better get home, guys.
Nobody say anything to mom.
                         Chapter 10: Whoa
CO: (Groaning) Hmm? Hmm.
Whoa: Hah! I am Whoa.
CO: Okay.
Whoa: It is not yet your time. You must not stand against Master
CO: It‟s “Betty” now.
Whoa: Oh. You must not stand against Betty. If you fight, he will
kill you. You need special training. You cannot defeat him now.
CO: I‟m-I‟m sorry?
Whoa: You cannot defeat him now.
CO: I will defeat him.
Whoa: If you beat him, then you should have no problem beating
CO: Mm!
Whoa: Ah! Hmm, not bad.
CO: What‟s wrong?
Whoa: The supreme gift.
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: You must trust the power of the tongue.
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: But I most warn you…
CO: Hmm?
Whoa: in the meadow you will find Betty‟s great protector, Moon
Yew. Avoid the meadow. We will meet again, Chosen One, many
more times, in the sequel. (screams) Ow!
(baby cooing)(doorbell rings)
CO: Well, at least I have you, boy.
                Chapter 11: Master Tang‟s Challenge
MT: Oh, Taco Bell Taco Bell Product placement with Taco Bell
Enchirito, macho burrito
All: Macho Burrito
Henchman: Master Tang, what are you doing here?
MT: I‟ve come to kick ass.
Henchman: Oh!
MT: I know you seek the Chosen One. And I know…(groans) what
you did to his family. Now—Ooh! Oi! I‟m going to beat you up!
Betty: Do you need a glass of water or something?
(clearing throat)
Betty: Jeez, at least cover your mouth! We‟re all going to catch
MT: Fight…(cough) or die!
Betty: Okay, I‟ll shake your bouncy booty! Hit it!
Music: Can‟t touch this
Betty: Hmm!
Music: Can‟t touch this
Betty: Hmm!
Music: Can‟t touch this
All singing to music: My, my, my, my. Fresh new kicks and pants
you gotta like that now you know you wanna dance so move outta
your seat and get a fly girl and catch this beat while its rollin‟
hold on
Betty: What‟s the time?
Music: Hammer Time
MT‟s Assistant: Please, Betty. Master Tang is unable to fight you.
He‟s pretty sick.
(sinister chuckle)
MT‟s Assistant: Why, I oughta—ooh!
MT: Don‟t. He‟ll kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a
monkey in a pinata, hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don‟t
break through with the stick. (snorting)
Betty: Aw, jeez. And now the snorting starts.
MT: I‟m sorry. I must fight you when I am stronger. Good-bye,
Betty: (thinking) It‟s Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty.
                         Chapter 12: Ling‟s Plea
Ling: But Chosen One, I want to help you, but I—I-I-I-I—I—I
just can‟t. I won‟t. Whee-ooh!
CO: He wasn‟t at the restaurant. Do you know where he is?
Ling: No, no! He‟ll kill you.
Ling: Don‟t go. Please. Stay alive. Stay and live a life with me. Ee-
CO: Look, Ling, those curlicues on your face make me so hot I
can‟t think straight.
Ling: He is well protected. It‟s impossible. You‟ll never make it.
Never make it. Ever make it. Never make it. Never make it. You‟ll
never make it, ever. Don‟t you see? You can‟t make it.
CO: I implore you to reconsider.
Ling: Hmm. Okay. He spends his time at the top of a waterfall,
swinging a chain around. (sobbing) There. You‟ve got what you
wanted. Now go! (crying, squealing)
CO: (sighs) Hmm.
(crying, squealing continues)
                     Chapter 13: The Kung-Fu Cow
Whoa‟s Voice: Remember, avoid the meadow.
(grunts, snorts)
CO: Hmm.
CO: Huh?
(fierce moo)
CO: Ahh! Hmm! Hmm! Whoa-oa-oa! Hmm! Hah! Huh?
(pained moo)
CO: Hah! Hah!
Moon Yew: Mm?
CO: Huh? You like it? Huh? Feels good, huh?
                     Chapter 14: Not Ready Yet
Betty: Swingin‟ the chain, swingin‟ the chain, swingin‟ the chain,
swingin‟ the—huh? Well, you must be quite a fighter to make it
past my cow. What is it you want?
CO: Evil Betty, I‟ve come to finish something I should have done
years ago. Remember these?
Betty: Well, you‟ve grown. I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I
didn‟t recognize you without crap in your pants.
CO: I‟ve trained my whole life for this day.
Betty: I spanked you as a baby. I‟ll spank you now, bitch!
CO: Good luck.
Man: Wait! You mustn‟t You are not ready!
CO: Who are you?
Man: Ling‟s father. Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee!
CO: Oh, dear.
Man: No one man can defeat Betty.
Betty: When you girls are done kissing, I‟ve got some ass kicking
for you!
CO: I have to avenge my family! (grunts)
(grunting, groaning)
Narrator: At that moment, the Chosen One learned a valuable
lesson about iron claws. They heart like crap, man.
Man: Chosen One! Oh!
Betty: Shirt ripper!
Narrator: Chosen One was clearly not ready. He should have
listened to that one-boobed chick.
Betty: Hmm!
Man: Water…everywhere! Uuh! All over me! I‟m…getting…wet!
Uuh! I‟m falling! You‟re falling! We‟re falling! A whale!
Betty: Mm-mm. Hmm. Mmm, memento!
Man: Huuh, Chosen One, I am sorry.
CO: I‟ll get you some help.
                        Chapter 15: A Warning
Man: Let me know if you see a Radio Shack.
MT: Oh!
All: Once again.
MT: With feeling.
All: One…of us…is wearing…a pushup bra. It‟s lacy—(continues,
Man: Master Tang, please help me. I‟m bleeding.
MT: Hey! I remember you!
MT: Just like old times! Ah, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Rikki-Tikki!
Man: Too tight! Stop hugging me! I have a mortal wound!
MT: Where? Where does it hurt?
Man: Oh, pretty much around the big, bloody spot. Oh! (moaning)
MT: Come inside. I‟ll get the Neosporin. Singing: Na na na na na
Neo Na na na na na na na sporin (imitating electric guitar)
Man: Please, I‟m dying. You must listen to me. I feel the Chosen
One may give up hope. This must not happen. The creature in his
tongue, although a little disturbing, possess a great supernatural
power-r-r! (groans) W-Without Tonguey, the council is invincible.
They will come to Betty‟s aid. Do you understand?
MT: No. I don‟t understand you.
MT: Aha!
Man: No. Don‟t so that. It hurts.
MT: No, it‟s good, it‟s good!
Man: No, no, please. I have a wound there.
MT: Come on. Don‟t spoil everything. This works for both of us,
huh? (lecherously) Yeah-ahh!
CO: The news of your father weighs heavily on my heart.
Evidently. His wound never closed up properly. He gave his life for
mine. I‟m so sorry, Ling.
Ling: He was my father my entire life. We were friends. I loved
him. And now he‟s dead—except for his hair and nails—dead.
(quacks) (sighs) (sniffling) I don‟t understand…why people have to
die. Whee-ooh-whee-ooh-whee-ooh! And now…if-if I lose you—Oh,
man, I‟m a little, tiny, horny honey. Mm.
CO: Hmm!
Ling: Mmm!
CO: Mm-mm-mm!
Ling: Mmm! Ooh-whee-ooh! Oh, but I don‟t know. It‟s so soon. I
can‟t remember the last time I felt like this. So ready for action.
So ready for love!
Dog: Hmm?
Ling: I need you now in the worst way. I can‟t control it! Take me,
man meat! But I don‟t want you to think I‟m a slut. (giggling)
CO: Huh?
                       Chapter 16: Mu-Shu Fasa
CO: What? What now? How do I proceed?
MSF:(deep voice) Simba.
CO: I…am not Simba. I am the Chosen One.
MSF: Ah, yes. I am Mu Shu Fasa. You must not be troubled, Cho-
Simba One.
CO: He took everything from me—a family I never knew. What
good am I now? His powers are greater than mine.
MSF: Yes, plus when you were hit with his iron claw, you did
scream like a wussy. Look inside yourself, Cho-Simba. You must
take your place in the great circle of…stuff. Behold the symbols.
One over here, the other over there. Remember, weakening and
defeating Betty…is the first step to revealing the council‟s
CO: What is this Evil Council everyone speaks of?
MSF: The answer you seek resides in the stars above.
CO: I don‟t understand.
MSF: Of course you don‟t. I‟m speaking in riddles. That‟s kind of
the point, like a clue that will later make you go, “Oh, that‟s what
he meant! Stars above!”
CO: Please tell me. What is my purpose?
MSF: Train, Cho-Simba. You must reach the next level. This is
CO: Wait, Mu Shu.
CO: What of my tongue?
CO: Mu Shu!
Betty: Hmm? A tiger. Hmm? Tiger, tiger, tiger. Hmm! Bird. Birdie.
Birdie, Birdie. Hmm. I am a great magician. Your clothes are red!
Henchman: (chuckles) Wow! Please. Do it again. Wait, who‟s that?
(running footsteps)
(blubbering) B—Betty. He‟s alive, Betty. He‟s still alive, Betty.
Betty: Still alive! How can that be? Oh, this is bad. This is very
bad. Your clothes are black. Oh, the council will not be pleased.
Henchman: Uh, but, Betty, do they have to know?
Betty: He‟s supposed to be dead. I am responsible. Nayah! He,
alone, can disrupt the Evil Council‟s plan. Him and that infernal
Tonguey! Eh, red clothes!
Henchman: Uh, Master Betty, might I inquire, what is the Evil
Council‟s plan?
Betty: Huh! It is evil. My, it is so evil! It is a bad, bad plan…that
will hurt many people…that are good. I think it‟s great, „cause it‟s
so bad,
Henchman: I-I see…I think. But, Master Betty, what of the
Chosen One?
Betty: Hmm. I‟ll kill him. I‟ll kill him dead. Hmm, like with—with a
rock or something. Like a—like a stone.
                 Chapter 17: Betty‟s Killing Spree
Both: (singing) We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists,
ventriloquists. We are both ventriloquists and we practice every
One: He carries the basket.
Other: He carries the paper roll.
Both: And we don‟t have cysts, but there is one thing that‟s for
sure my friends, we are ventriloquists
Betty: Yaah! Hmm.
One: Have you seen him before?
Other: Never!
Betty: Ventriloquists, huh? Nyah, Nayah, nayah! You know the
location of the Chosen One. Where is he?
One: (gasps) On the life of my dummy, I swear this—I‟ll never tell
you where he is! (grunts)
One: I am the Chosen One, outside the wall!
Other: Yeah, the wall!
Betty: Your mouth tricks will not work on me, ventriloquists.
Narrator: And so began Betty‟s killing spree. No one was safe.
Ouchie! Aiding the Chosen One became an offense punishable by
Betty: Hmm. Orson.
All: Welles.
Both: (weakly) We are both ventriloquists but now we‟re upside
One: I swing a bit more.
Other: I swing a bit less.
Both: But we both swing if you know—
Henchmen: Got ya.
Ling: (whimpering) Whee-oh! What? Please!
Henchman: Hold still, ma‟am. Here she is, Betty.
Ling: (whimpers) The Chosen One disappeared last night. What
have you done with hum?
Betty: Funny. I thought you could tell me.
Ling: Hmm. In your dreams. Whee-oh!
Betty: Hmm! I like „em feisty. (snickering)
Ling: You disgust me. Whee-oh-oh-oh! Ee-oh, whee-oh, pee-oh, ee-
oh, pee-oh! Whee! (squealing continues)
Ling: Whee! Ohh!
Henchman: She hit me, Betty.
Betty: No! Go follow her, then save her…for me. (sinister droning
MT: (singing) Ah, chicken go cluck-cluck Cow go moo Piggy go—
(snorting) How bout you? Gonna be an animal just like you—
Betty: I‟m just a birdy too.
MT: Uh-huh? Uh-huh? (singing) Lemurs go—(sniffing) Ostrich go
baah, koalas go—(smacking lips) Huh?
Betty: Yaah! Hit it!
Boombox: I like big butts and I cannot lie you other brothers
can‟t deny „cause I‟m long and I‟m strong and I‟m down to get the
friction on you get sprung wanna pull up front „cause you noticed
that butt was stuffed use me, use me „cause you ain‟t that
average groupie baby got back baby got back
MT: (thinking) Okay, so here were my options. “A,” quickly duck
sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back
kick. Or “B,” take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and
die. Hmm. Should have gone with “A.”
Boombox: Don‟t want none unless you got buns, hon
Wimp Lo: That‟s right! Follow Me! Right into my trap! (grunts, long
                       Chapter 18: Captured
Bad Guy: You go that way. I‟ll go home.
Ling: Hmm? Hmm?
Ling: (gasps) Huh? Hmm? Oh! Chosen One! (quacks)
CO: Ling?
Ling: Hurry!
CO: I‟m coming!
Ling: Chosen One!
CO: I‟m coming!
Ling: Chosen One!
CO: I‟m coming!
Ling: Chosen One!
CO: I‟m Coming!
(grunting, panting)(gasping)(grunts)
                     Chapter 19: Intermission
Betty: Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.
Ling: I hope they have Icees!
CO: I‟ve chosen the large tub.
Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds.
MT: I‟ve got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it‟s non-
CO: I…will…not…be stopped by a tiny net! I‟ll reverse the capture
method, and yaah—free. Now I have to find Ling. Ling!
                    Chapter 20: Dead of Alive?
Wimp Lo: (squeaks)
CO: (gasps) Wimp Lo?
MT: Chosen One.
CO: Huh? Master!
MT: Chosen One.
CO: Oh, Master.
MT: Do I look all right?
CO: Uh, yeah, sure.
MT: O-On a scale from one to ten—
CO: Uh…one.
MT: Come. C-Come closer, please. Listen and listen well. I really
like the band „N Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think
there‟s a Harpo. If not, there should be. I will write their next
hit, maybe. (singing) A-boom-boom chickie-chickie boom-boom
boom-chickie chaka-chaka-choo-choo (no longer singing) By the
way, you must be wary of Betty‟s iron claws. They are sharp and
they hurt. And beware his song about big butts. He beats you up
while he plays it! (shrieks, groans)
CO: Master, no!
Ling: Chosen.
CO: Huh? Huh? Ling!
Ling: Chosen One, I‟m dying.
CO: No. Please.
Ling: Remember, I will always…love….you. Whee! Ee-ee! (snorts)
CO: Ling! Ohh!
Dog: (whimpering)
CO: Huh? Dog! Oh, it‟s okay, boy. (panting, chokes)
CO: No, it‟s not. Huh?
MT: Chosen One.
CO: Master! Oh, Master. You‟re alive.
MT: I only did this—(groaning, sighs) That doesn‟t mean a person
is dead.
Ling: Chosen.
CO: Huh? Ling!
Ling: Chosen One. Why did you run off? Why did you leave me?
But I thought—Huh?
(dog barks)
CO: Oh, dog! You‟re alive! Hey, if you‟re alive, then surely Wimp
Lo—(chuckling) Wimp! (flies buzzing) Oh. Betty has gone too far.
Killing is wrong…and bad. There should be a new, stronger word
for killing…like “badwrong” or “badong.” Yes, killing is “badong.”
From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing,
                       Chapter 21: Toughening Up
Ling: (singing) (humming)
CO: Excuse me, kind blacksmith. Do you know where I can find
little, silver, triangular pyramid caps…roughly an inch and a half in
Blacksmith: Right here in my hand.
CO: (high-pitched yell) Yaah! (whistling) (grunting)
Narrator: Betty‟s protective caps were the source of his power.
In order to defeat him, they would have to be removed. Chosen
One tried and tried,
CO: (yelling)
Narrator: but they were too smooth to pull and pointy. So they
would, like, poke your hands…if you didn‟t get it just right.
CO: (screams)
Narrator: So he got frustrated, as any one of us would.
CO: (whimpering) (grunting)
Narrator: Okay, maybe a little more than any one of us would.
CO: I‟ll never be able to do it, ever! (sobbing) Don‟t look at me!
Ling: Your hands—let me see. (gasps) It hurts? How „bout now?
And now? And this?
CO: You broke a thermometer in my hands.
Ling: (singing) (humming) Rub it all in my hair. (humming along to
soundtrack music)
CO: You just get stranger and stranger.
Ling: Your hands—how are they now?
CO: I don‟t know. They feel like they‟re on fire.
Ling: Huh. So you really think that‟s hot? „Cause I‟ll show you hot.
Now try. (water gurgling)
CO: You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was
starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.
Ling: (high-pitched yelping)
                     Chapter 22: The Evil Council
Betty: So, what you—what you guys doing later, huh? I was just
going to hang out, but…maybe we could get a pizza or, you know,
scam some chicks or something, right? „Cause, um, I don‟t know—I
do like the ladies, you know. I do like „em. Hmm, I like-a them, and
they like-a me back.
Henchman: Master Betty, my compliments. That tiny net was
Betty: Hmm, yes, a tiny net is a death sentence. It‟s a net, and it‟s
Henchman: Sure. At this very moment, he‟s out in a field, rotting
like a papaya, while we‟re in here, cozy and enjoying the good life.
Betty: (sinister chuckling)
Henchman: (snickering)
(snickering, chuckling continues)
Betty: Huh? Oh? (angry grunt) Oh, man! This is all I need. Hmm.
Hmm. (gulps) Uh, E-Evil Council? I-I, uh, got-got your message.
(Echoing) Hello? (chuckling) N-Now batting, Mike Piazza!
(electronic rumbling) Whoa. Oh, s-sorry, Evil Council. I-It‟s just
echoey, and I—(low rumbling) No, that-that is not possible. Not
again. He has to be dead. (rumbling) No, no. I can handle him, but,
of course, welcome your assistance. (loud hissing) So he‟s at the
temple. Thank you, Evil Council. This guy is toast.
                  Chapter 23: How To Beat Betty
Ling: Tell me…what you‟re thinking.
CO: Of how best to deal with Betty.
Ling: But you‟ve mastered your technique. You should be able to
beat him now.
CO: I‟m sorry?
Ling: But you mastered your technique. You should be able to beat
him now.
CO: I got everything but the last part, through “you should be
Ling: You should be able to beat him now.
CO: Perhaps, but wooden dummies don‟t fight back. While I‟m
ripping out the caps, I‟m completely defenseless. For instance,
the first move could be like this. I could leap like a freak, then
throw in a back-snapping eel strike. But he‟d have a clear shot at
my ribs. I could always pretend I‟m a bird. But that would just
look stupid and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed.
The best approach would be to go for both caps at once. No
matter what the tactic, they all have a flaw.
Ling: (shouting) You should be able to beat him now!
CO: No matter. I think I have an idea.
               Chapter 24: The Chosen One‟s Challenge
Children: (all laughing) We‟re children! We‟re children! We‟re
children! We‟re children! We‟re children!
CO: I‟ll take a pound of nuts.
Man: That‟s a lot of nuts! (shouting) That‟ll be four bucks, baby!
You want fries with that? He just left with nuts! (chittering)
Betty: I know you‟re here. My name‟s Betty. Nyah! Huh? Yaah!
CO: Waah!
Betty: Shirt ripper! Hit it.
Boombox: There‟s got to be a morning after, Whoa, Black Betty
Betty: Hmm?
Boombox: Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam Whoa, Black Betty,
bam-ba-lam Black Betty had a child bam-ba-lam the damn thing
gone wild bam-ba-lam
Betty: Hmm, I could dance like that…if I felt like it.
CO: You killed my family, and I don‟t like that kind of thing.
Betty: Oh, goodness!
Boombox: Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam whoa, Black Betty Bam-
ba-lam Black Betty Bam-ba-lam bam-ba-lam bam-ba-lam bam-ba-
lam, whoa, whoa whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Betty: My undies.
Boombox: Black Betty, bam-ba-lam Black Betty got a child bam-
ba-lam Damn thing‟s gone wild, bam-ba-lam
Betty: Eh? Oh, doggie hump.
                     Chapter 25: French Aliens
Narrator: And then all hell broke loose.
Betty: Oh, yes, the council. Ho-ho! (muttering) Yes, the Evil
Council…are aliens.
Woman: (singing in French)
CO: They‟re French.
Betty: Ha-ha-ha! Stinky pits and all, baby! Okay, fire me up! Oh,
yes! Ha ha ha! Ha ha!
CO: (yells) Oh, God.
Betty: Hmm, as you‟ve probably concluded, the Evil Council is
based in France…and will soon rise to world domination.
CO: (high-pitched yell)
Betty: Enjoy the paralyzer!
CO: Huh?
Betty: Another paralyzer! (snickering) Say good night, floppy.
                     Chapter 26: Betty Beaten
Hmm. (cackling) Your booties.
(French continues)
Whoa: Do it for your family, and so I can be in the sequel.
MSF: Stars above. Aliens. Was I right or what? Oh, you need to
open your mouth.
Tonguey: (speaking French) You are a disgrace to French aliens!
Aliens: Sacrebleu!
Betty: Uh—Huh? Oh, no, guys. Come on!
CO: (yelling)
Betty: (hissing, laughing, groaning, grunts, loud sustained moaning)
Ouch. I fell and hurt my tummy. (loud groaning)
CO: (sighs)
Betty: (groaning, gagging)
CO: Thank you, squirrel friend. Your soft, cushy body helped
absorb the force of his blow. Now, for my part of the bargain.
Ling: Chosen One! Chosen! (snorting) Whee! Whee! Whee! Chosen,
you‟re alive.
CO: It‟s okay, Ling. There‟s nothing to worry about anymore.
Narrator: That‟s what he thought.
                      Chapter 27: The Sequel
Old Man: What is your purpose?
Ling: Whee-ohh!
CO: Hmm. I see you brought your friends this time.
(whinnying, bleating, clucking, shrieking)

                         END OF MOVIE

To top