JUSTIN TOTALLY MAKES STUFF UP

							JUSTIN TOTALLY MAKES STUFF UP

ANNCR:    And now, Justin totally makes stuff up.

WOMAN:    Alright, Mr. Donaldson. Everything seems to check out, so all I have to do
          is ask you a few simple questions and I can get you that hunting permit.

JUSTIN:   Cool, cool. Fire away.

WOMAN:    Alright. How many animals have you shot in your lifetime?

JUSTIN:   Hmm, easily thousands. I’m quite the prolific hunter, you see. I would
          have to say I’ve killed somewhere between one and five thousand animals.
          Every time I grab my gun and go out into the wilderness, it’s like a
          slaughter. It’s absolutely sick how good I am. It’s sick.

WOMAN:    Uh… yeah. Second question, what varieties of animals have you hunted?

JUSTIN:   What haven’t I hunted? That’s a better question. Let’s see… I’m always
          keeping the bear and deer counts down around these parts. I mean way
          down. My rifle, which I’ve named “Charlton”, and I make it pretty hard
          for those things to establish any kind of habitat. But those mundane sort of
          creatures, grizzlies and moose and stuff, don’t really interest me anymore.

WOMAN:    No?

JUSTIN:   Nah. Right now, I’m working my way down the endangered species list
          bit by bit. I’ve shot tons of snow leopards, dozens of those spotted owls…
          see, I even shoot the animals that humans have no reason for shooting. I
          shot a parrot the other day! It was just flying around and I knocked it out
          of the sky like I was shooting skeets. Know what I’m talking about?

WOMAN:    (horrified) I hope not.

JUSTIN:   Yeah. People have taken to calling me “Nature’s Pallbearer”, because I’m
          just a one-man wrecking crew who doesn’t care about the repercussions of
          his actions.

WOMAN:    Okay, enough. You’ve answered my question. Alright, how’s your
          eyesight?

JUSTIN:   Impeccable. You know how some people have perfect 20/20 eyesight?
          Yeah, well, I have 40/40 sight. I’m awesome. That’s like perfect eyesight
          taken to a whole new dimension. I can see through walls, even lead.

WOMAN:    So you have good eyesight?
JUSTIN:   Exactly. Not only that, but I have laser vision too. I’m like that X-Men
          character. You know the one I mean.

WOMAN:    Um, Cyclops?

JUSTIN:   Cyclops! Yeah, I can melt steel with my eyes. My ophthalmologist says I
          shouldn’t do it too often though. The army tried to kidnap me once,
          because they wanted my special powers to help out with the cleanup
          operation in Afghanistan. But I wasn’t having any of that.

WOMAN:    Fine. Moving on… Mr. Donaldson, have you ever been incarcerated or
          otherwise arrested for violent actions?

JUSTIN:   That… that’s a touchy subject… to find the answer to that question, we
          have to go back to a dark period in my life…

WOMAN:    Okay, forget this. If you’re not going to take this seriously—

JUSTIN:   (interrupting) I was part of a gang in the Greater Toronto Area. My
          nickname was “Knivez”. That was because I carried all these knives, see?

WOMAN:    You’re not getting a permit.

JUSTN:    Aww, you suck.

ANNCR:    That was “Justin Totally Makes Stuff Up”.