The Impenetrable Doors
By Zebulon Ulysses Goertzel
NOTES:
I changed the setting and characters, and kept the same idea of being stuck in a room and struggling with doors.
It is a play because I decided to put lots of speech and speech is easier in plays.
Rather than being stuck in a restroom, they are all stuck in part of Vroed's house.
No full rough draft was made, but the play was simply edited and revised.
ALSO: The 2nd act is optional and removable, it just offers an alternate ending, which I'm not sure I like better.
CHARACTERS:
Rettehal- A reasonably popular Fencer and Fencing instructor, friend of Vroed.
Vroed- A Professional cook, good friend of Rettehal. Friend of Nihonitamae. Polite, but short-tempered.
Nihonitamae/Meshi- A Japanese cook, nicknamed Meshi. Friend of Vroed.
PROPS:
An unscrewable broom, sharpening equipment, a sword, cooking utensils...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT I
SCENE 1
SETTING: A kitchen and dining room combined, a small table is in the corner of the dining room. Near
the table are two cozy chairs. Everything is very clean, and slightly disorganized. Rettehal has just
arrived.
Vroed: Oh, hello, my good friend Rettehal! I haven't seen you for weeks! Come, have a seat here and tell
me what on earth you've been up to for this last month.
Vroed pulls out a seat for Rettehal and himself. Then Vroed goes over to the kitchen and gets some tea as Rettehal
sits.
Rettehal: I've been really busy with my class lately. It's not that they're troublesome to teach, but that to
pass my knowledge and skill onto them is so very life-consuming. But that is not what concerns me...
Vroed places tea kettel with two saucers and cups on coffee table, then pulls out a seat and sits. Between speakings,
they sip at tea.
Vroed: Well friend, what is it that concerns you?
Rettehal[sipping tea]: I will get to that soon. But first I must ask... What is in this exotic tea?
Vroed: Hundfnugg Utdrag. It's sort of a Norwegian thing. Now, you said something was concerning
you? Please don't take it seriously upon yourself if I sound too much of a critic.
Rettehal: I must live. But I fear age will overcome me with time. I fear death.
Vroed: What value so great is there in life?
Rettehal: I cannot die until I find out what death really is.
Vroed: It is what it appears to be. It is when you die, and stop living. Your brain rots, you rot. It all ends
for you.
Rettehal: How can I know this to be so when it's so mysterious, and there are so many rumors?
Vroed: You cannot know it to be so, you can guess with your best knowledge.
Rettehal: That is it. A guess is not enough. I fear losing my consciousness forever.
Vroed: The only way to know is to test and see for yourself.
Rettehal: And risk the rumors being true? Risk all the many different beliefs and understandings of death
being reality?
Vroed: There are rumors and risks for everything.
Rettehal: I know. But death is the most significant of them all to me.
Vroed: Well, there's no harm in living until nature takes you away. I intend not to die early. Live until
you die, then see what it's like.
Rettehal: Dying at all is too early.
Vroed: To me, dying before old age is too early.
Rettehal: I am now coming to my death. I am dying of age. Old age is any age but the age of infinite
youth. Finite age. An age where aging stops.
Vroed: Most would not worry till their back leans forward, till their faces grow covered in wrinkles and
creases, till their memory weakens.
Rettehal: How can you relax and be peaceful while aware of a coming end so soon?
Vroed: With an end comes a new beginning. I will end, but existence will not. That is important. New
children are always born, or so I hope.
Rettehal: Nothing happens in existence though, if we spend so long dying and rebirthing.
Vroed: All possibilites occur because of the tiny blips of action and progress building up over time's
infinite expanse.
Rettehal: But these 'blips' between our births and deaths, consisting of you and I, hold grief. Grief which
detains us from progression. Grief born from the thought of death.
Vroed: We need not feel grief, we need to feel joy and happiness. Grief is what really soaks up your
lifetime.
Rettehal: I try not to feel grief, then. But still I shall remain discontent. And my discontent conflicts with
my desire of happiness.
Vroed takes the finished tea and puts it in the sink. Then he returns to the table and sits down.
Vroed: Why discontent?
Rettehal: Because things would go faster if there were more time for humans to live. What is the purpose
in dying and rebirthing and then relearning, if we could do without it? All human and nonhuman
progress would be so very much faster with no time wasted on rebirthing and dying. And then there
shall always be the risk of too much dying, self-extinction. I feel I could be much more efficient in the
progression of mankind without having to worry about learning or dying.
Vroed: What matters speed if there is no limit to time or things to be done? Time goes on for an eternity.
Time has no limit.
Rettehal: I feel there is a limit, to time. How would we know that time has no limit?
Vroed: I agree. But how would we know that time does have a limit? You say you feel there is a limit to
time. That is merely intuition.
Rettehal: Well, I suppose you're right. I'm so baffled and mixed up, where did this conversation start?
Vroed: It started with you announcing your fear of death. But that is not of importance, friend. I haven't
seen you for a long while until now, and philosophical rambling is no way to spend our day. Let's go
hike... How about The Verheven Blijdschap canyons?
Rettehal[Getting up]: That sounds pleasant. Far more pleasant than thinking about death. I haven't much
to pack, or, really I have nothing to pack. Let's just bring water.
Vroed: Okay. I have some gourds in the cabinet.
Vroed gets up and in the kitchen fills two gourds with water.
Rettehal: We're ready. Let's go!
Rettehal, with Vroed beside him, pulls on the door. It won't open. He pulls again. It won't open. When he is about to
pull a third time, a knock from the door in the kitchen is heard.
Vroed: Who would knock on my back door?
Vroed scurries over to the back door in the kitchen, and opens it. Nihonitamae (Meshi) enters, door is shut.
Nihonitamae wears a small sack on his back.
Vroed: Oh, Meshi, hello. I wasn't expecting you. Rettehal and I were about to go hiking in The Verheven
Blijdschap canyons. Would you like to come?
Meshi: Well, I do need some ingredients, but they would be found on mount Matbesstanddel. If we
would go hiking there I might come along, but that is not why I came. I've made a new recipe, and the
soup is delicious. I call it "Oishii Suimono no Nezumi". Would you care to try some before you go?
Vroed: Uh, okay. Bring it to the table, I'll get some bowls.
Vroed gets bowls, chopsticks, and spoons. Nihonitamae (Meshi) places his rucksack and soup on the main table.
Vroed sets table, Meshi serves soup, all sit and eat. They speak between bites.
Rettehal: This does taste wonderful. I can taste the lemongrass and scallions, and I know there's some
cumin in the broth, but what is that other flavor? I taste something slightly sour, with a dull meaty taste.
Meshi: It's brown rat. I caught them myself.
Rettehal[Sarcastically]: Lovely.
Meshi: Thank you. Would you like the recipe?
Rettehal: No, I'm not much of a cook.
Vroed: I'd love the recipe, though I usually cannot find brown rat. I'm more in favor of pasta than meat.
Meshi: Okay, I have it copied down in my book already, so you can have the original.
Meshi slides a scroll over to Vroed. Vroed stows it away on a nearby shelf. They finish eating, then get up.
Rettehal: Well, we've just eaten and need time to digest. The Verheven Blijdschap Canyons are a bit
rocky, and we might need to climb. We should go to Mount Matbesstanddel. It is not too steep or rocky,
an easy trip.
Vroed: Okay, to Mount Matbesstandel it is!
Meshi: In that case I will be coming too.
They head towards the back door in the kitchen. Rettehal pulls four times hard and the door won't open.
Vroed: Curses! This door opened perfectly well for you, Nihonitamae. It's not locked either. It simply
won't open. Nor will the front one. Why did I not choose a house with better windows?
Meshi: Maybe if we all try this door will open.
They all struggle to open the door. It will not move.
Rettehal: Let's try the front door again.
Vroed: Sure, why not!!! Heck, confound these doors! Never before have they refused so stubbornly to
open!!!
All walk through kitchen and turn left in the dining room. They struggle with the front door and cannot open it.
Vroed: I am quite commonly the patient one, but this is absurdity!!! Well, my comrades, we shall be stuck
in my place until one of these doors opens!!!
Rettehal: If we cannot open one of these doors we shall have to call somebody to smash down your doors,
as all these windows are far too small to fit one of us through.
Vroed: Great Idea, Rettehal! I'll call someone to bash down these cursed doors and build better ones!
Vroed walks across dining room to another door and cannot open it.
Vroed: HECK! HECK! HECK! Why will my doors not open!? Why am I confined in my eating-quarters!?
Why in hell can I not access the outdoor, why can I not enter my living room, my bedroom, my closet, my
basement!? Am I to live my life with in only a Dining room, a Kitchen, and a bathroom!? No outdoors?
No public? WHY!? CURSES! Is this a prank!? And of the few people I know, who would disallow me
access to the majority of my home!? No flipping access to my phone! No phone nor bed!!! Who would do
this? What could possibly cause my doors to grow impenetrable?
Meshi: Look on the bright side, Vroed... Those two comfy chairs are almost as good as beds, we have a
whole kitchen full of food, and a restroom to properly dispose of our waste in.
Vroed[Calming down]: I suppose you are right. It could be worse. It would be worse to be trapped in my
bedroom. As with most bad situations, it could be worse. Well, friends, we could be stuck for a while.
Make yourself comfortable. Sooner, and hopefully not later, we will find some place to smash out of here!
Rettehal: Have we a clock or calendar in here to tell time with?
Vroed: Of course! I've a calendar upon the kitchen wall and... My clock is in my bedroom...
[Vroed looks at his wrist]
Vroed: Thank goodness, I'm wearing my watch.
[Vroed brings his wrist forward and shows them the watch.]
Meshi: This is awful...
Vroed: What!? What is awful? I've got my watch on, which should commonly be reffered to as a good
thing, nevermind awful.
Meshi: It's not moving. None of the hands are moving.
Vroed[Looking at watch]: Oh heck, you're right. But wait, the second hannn... Nope, the second hand only
twitches back and forth. Well, we have no good form of time-telling, but my back door, as you know, has
a small window with view suffient to tell day and night. If you two end up trapped here for a long time,
we may need to start marking days on the calendar.
Rettehal: Why don't we settle down and try again to open these doors later?
Vroed: Good idea. What should we do?
Rettehal: Fence. Swordplay.
Meshi: Fencing in a dining room is too much a fuss. Let's cook.
Rettehal: Let's fence with food.
Vroed: I'd love to try 'Food-Fencing', but I think that would be a tad too sloppy. Nihonitamae, have you
ever cooked with me before?
Meshi: Once, or twice, I think.
Vroed: Well, it will be dinner time in a matter of hours. We should cook a good meal to lighten our
confined spirits.
Meshi: Am I granted permission to use your cooking wares?
Vroed: Yes.
They enter the kitchen and start cooking. Rettehal gets out ingredients as Vroed commands, Meshi cuts stuff. Vroed
mixes a sauce on a frying pan and puts it to low heat on a different burner. Then He takes out of a high-up cupboard
some noodles.
Vroed: I finished making these noodles only yesterday. They will be a great addition to the soup.
Meshi[Inspecting noodles]: These seem pretty good, providing that noodles aren't your profession.
Rettehal begins washing dishes. The cut ingredients are dropped portion by portion onto a frying pan, by Meshi. He
stirs and occasionally squirts sauce onto them, then puts them in a pot. In the pot, Vroed in mixing bits of sauce and
powder into the water. Soon Rettehal finishes the dishes and begins sharpening the knives.
Vroed: What are you doing with that knife, friend?
Rettehal: I'm sharpening it. I'm no professional, but these edges were looking a bit too dull.
Vroed: I've never thought about that.. I usually buy new knives once they are dulled beyond common
usage. I didn't even know I had the equipment needed for that.
Rettehal: This sharpening stone is rather improfessional, but you had some good equipment on that top
shelf. I might show you how to sharpen knives later.
Sauce is now slopped all over the noodles by Vroed. Then Vroed drops the noodles in the soup and turns the heat up
a little.
Meshi: Vroed, have you any meat? I'm in favor of meat. Soup is always lacking with no meat.
Vroed: Meat... I have some rabbit in the fridge. I caught two yesterday. I hadn't time to skin them though,
and that would be very time-consuming.
Meshi: Surely you must have some form of meat! Turkey, Chicken, Salmon, Dog, Cow, Pig, Squirrel, Cat,
Goat, Turtle?
Vroed: No, my limited taste for meat excludes most but small mammals and fish. I've never eaten cat and
have no desire to. Nor have I eaten Goat, Pig, or Dog. I had some cow once, and couldn't tell if it was
badly prepared or simply a horrid flavor of meat. But I do have salmon. I bought it at the fish market
recently.
Vroed opens the fridge and takes out some Salmon. He hands it to Nihonitamae. Nihonitamae then beats the salmon
into grainy chunks and sprinkles it into the soup. Rettehal finishes sharpening knives.
Rettehal: Soup is better if cooked for a longer time, right?
Meshi: Normally that would be the case. But the noodles shouldn't have been put in so soon.
Vroed: No, these noodles are made to be boiled with the cabbage and other ingredients. We should go
find something to occupy our time.
Rettehal: How about breaking down these doors?
Vroed: That can wait. How about teaching me a tad of fencing?
Rettehal: That would be most lovely. But you would need a practice weapon.
Vroed: I'll use a broom. The front of it is unscrewable. What will you use?
Rettehal: I'll use the broom, you can use my sword. The sheath can be clipped on. I'm skilled, so I will be
more adaptable to a broom.
Vroed gets a broom and unscrews the front. Rettehal clips his sheath on his sword. They exchange.
Rettehal: First things first. This [He thrusts] is a thrust!
Vroed: You mean like this?
Vroed does a bad thrust.
Rettehal: No, no, no! Not at all like that! You lean too much and in the wrong way! And your footing!
Ugh, here's how...
Rettehal guides Vroed on how to do a thrust.
Vroed: Okay, I think I got it... Like this [Thrusts]!?
Rettehal: Almost. But near the end you unbalanced your feet. Try again.
Vroed thrusts again, properly.
Rettehal: Yes! That's good. Now learn the parry. You thrust at me, and I'll parry.
Vroed thrusts, Rettehal parries.
Rettehal: Did you notice how I did that?
Vroed: No, but I know you blocked my thrust.
Rettehal: Okay, thrust again.
Vroed thrusts, Rettehal parries.
Rettehal: You try.
Rettehal does a deliberately weak thrust, Vroed does a horrendous parry and ends up slapping the sheath into his
face.
Vroed: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Heck!
Rettehal: You did it all wrong again... You see, this is how to parry.
Vroed thrusts, Rettehal parries. Then Rettehal thrusts and Vroed parries. This continues for a while.
Rettehal: You're getting good at this. Now, footwork is very important...
Rettehal shows Vroed how footwork is done.
Vroed: I think I'm getting the hang of this. Let's have a match.
Rettehal: Okay, I'll go easy on you.
Rettehal tries incredibly hard not to beat up Vroed as they have a match. They swordplay for a while.
Meshi: The soup is done. It could be cooked for a day or two more, but tis done.
After restoring the room to its original state, all go serve themselves some soup. They sit at the table and speak while
eating.
Vroed: I still wonder how on Earth we're going to break down those doors.
Rettehal: You know, we could just smash the front door's window and open the doorknob through the
hole.
Meshi: Broken glass hurts, but I suppose you are right.
Vroed: What do you mean? The door won't open. Using the outside doorknob would only make things
more difficult.
Rettehal: Oh, of course! Have you a screwdriver with which to remove the door's hinges?
Vroed: Yes. But my doors don't use screws.
Rettehal: Maybe we could smash the window open and yell to any passerby. They may help us. All that
they would have to do is call the police and say that three men are trapped in their house and need help.
Vroed: Good idea. But before smashing windows and yelping for help, let's try simply to bash open a
door.
They continue to eat in silence. Then they finish up. Then they loaf around awhile before getting to work on the
doors.
Meshi: Hey, let's get out of here.
Rettehal: I agree, I have a teaching schedule to follow.
Vroed: Very well then. Let's get on with removing those hinges. First we'll need to cut the paint holding
together the hinge and the door.
Vroed grabs a sharp knife from the table and starts trying to cut the paint.
Vroed: Wow, this paint is rather strong. I can't saw even the tiniest of chips off it.
Rettehal: Smash the window, we don't need a door that can't open.
Vroed: If you insist...
Vroed, with the back of the knife handle, makes an attempt to smash the window. It won't budge, shake, or break.
Vroed: Curses!!! This is glass, is it not?! Why won't it smash?
Meshi: Let me try.
Vroed hands Nihonitamae (Meshi) the knife and he too fails to smash the window.
Rettehal: Maybe it's the knife, we need something harder.
Short pondering silence
Vroed: The sharpening stone. I'll get it.
Vroed enters the kitchen and after a half-minute wait returns with the large sharpening stone. He hands it to
Rettehal.
Rettehal: If this fails, then the window can't be glass.
Rettehal, after much preparation, forcefully smashes the sharpening stone into the window. The rock bounces back
and recoils on Rettehal, almost knocking him down. The window remains strong and unharmed.
Vroed: Well, I hadn't known it, but I suppose this window is not made of glass.
Meshi: If that huge stone cannot break it then nothing in here can.
Rettehal: The hinges won't break, the windows won't smash, the doors won't open. Why on earth would
all these things happen so suddenly?
Vroed: It has to be a prank, a trick, a cruel experiment.
Rettehal: I doubt that.
Vroed: Somebody could be watching us now, looking and laughing at our facial expressions as we make
pathetic attempts to escape our dungeon. Nowadays it is no hard task to hide small cameras.
Meshi: While I understand your suspicions, Vroed, I still find it doubtful that anybody would do this to
us. Think of the punishments one would face for performing human experiments or a prank of such
extreme measures. It's risky and unlikely.
Vroed: You are right... Why would anybody ever possibly care to prank us, of all the people in the world?
Rettehal: The doors, let's open them. Break them. Destroy them. Anything that will allow us out of this
rather pleasant dungeon.
Vroed: If we can't remove the hinges or smash the window, we'll just have to smash the door into bits.
Meshi: Give me the stone.
Rettehal hands the stone to Meshi. Meshi bashes the door eight times.
Vroed: This door is obviously too sturdy. Let's break the back door.
They go to the back door in the kitchen, bringing the stone.
Meshi: I'll see if the window works.
Meshi beats the window twice.
Rettehal: I hope all the doors aren't impenetrable. Let's see if we can get anything to budge even the
tiniest bit.
Vroed: Okay, Rettehal, go see if you can break into my bedroom. My phone is in there.
Rettehal grabs the biggest knife he can find and goes to the dining room. He tries to open the door, then attempts to
disarm and deform it. At the same time, Meshi beats at the back door and Vroed tries to remove the hinges. Soon
they all meet at the kitchen entrance.
Rettehal: I'm guessing the back door won't budge?
Vroed: You're quite right. You didn't by any chance get through to my bedroom?
Rettehal: Nope.
Meshi: Then it is confirmed. All of these doors are impenetrable.
Rettehal: Except for one, maybe...
Vroed: The restroom?
Rettehal: Not that the restroom door could help us out, but let's try it. Just for curiosity.
Meshi: Excellent idea.
Vroed takes the stone, they walk across to the door in the corner of the dining room.
Meshi: We wouldn't want to be left without bathroom access. I'll hold the door open, Vroed, you bash it.
Vroed hesitates, then bashes the door. Nihonitamae holds it steady, and a huge crack opens in the door.
Vroed: There, it's confirmed. This door is normal. I'd love to fully test its functionality, but I'm against the
unneeded defiling of my home.
Rettehal: One more test.
Before anyone can respond, Rettehal slips inside the restroom and swings the door shut.
Vroed: Um, try to open it.
Rettehal opens the door, then shuts it.
Meshi: Now let's see if it shall open from our side.
Meshi opens the door. Rettehal steps out.
Vroed: Well, all the doors that would let us escape don't work right but this one does. Hmph.
Rettehal: It is growing dark and we are failing to get out of here. We'll end up sleeping here if we cannot
get out soon.
Meshi: Maybe if we just stood around near the window long enough somebody will notice us.
Vroed: I'm sure there are many great ways for us to get out of here, but let's stop for now.
Rettehal: The cieling, the floor, the walls, we have yet to break through them.
Vroed: I'll sleep on one of the luxury chairs. One of you will have to sleep elsewhere. I have six
tablecloths to use as blankets or sheets, but one of them is far too lovely to be slept on.
Meshi: The mailman. He's sure to be able to help us out of here.
Vroed: Yes, yes... Come.
They head towards the kitchen, Vroed in the lead. Rettehal stops at the door and looks out the window.
Rettehal: The mailman! Meshi, as you just said, it's the mailman! The mailman! How'd you know? And-
Rettehal pauses confusedly as the mailman drops mail off and walks away, not at all noticing Rettehal. Vroed and
Meshi gather behind Rettehal.
Rettehal: How can that be!? He looked right in my bloody direction and seemed as if he were staring at
blank nothingness! What the heck is going on!?
Vroed: Maybe he missed you, or was deliberately ignored you.
Rettehal: No, how could a man not see another man when the distance between the two is only a foot or
two and their eyes have contact? It's illogical, but I swear he didn't notice me!!!
Meshi: Calm yourself, Rettehal. He'll be back.
Rettehal: What matters it if he returns and can't see me?
Vroed: Whatever, let's drop the matter until next time he comes. Then if his behavior is awkward we can
all witness it.
ACT II
SETTING: A kitchen and dining room combined, a small table is in the corner of the dining room. Near
the table are two cozy chairs. Everything is very clean, and slightly disorganized. In the center is a dining
table, to its left is the kitchen, further left is the back door. On one side of the table is the front door, on the
other another door. Near the corner-table is the restroom door. A shelf with one row for books is to the
front door's right. Four days later, it's around noon.
SCENE 1
Meshi washes dishes. Rettehal is reading a recipe book with obvious uninterest.Vroed paces, which irritates Rettehal.
Rettehal: Darn it, Vroed, stop!
Vroed(gesturing): I can't bloody help it, this is such a darn moronic situation! Trapped in a half-house for
nearly five days!
Rettehal: Let's get out, then.
Vroed: But we can't! I mean, we've tried everything! Yesterday we tried, today we tried, we've been here
too long and we've gotten nowhere! Still stuck!
Rettehal: It could be better. Or worse. Well, pacing back and forth isn't going to do us much good, it'll just
tick me off.
Vroed: Sure, we have food and all, yes, a restroom, but I'd rather not have a house than be trapped in here
much longer!
Rettehal: Fencing?
Vroed: Bloody hell, you dotterel, trying out your practice, your fencing, may be fun now and then, but
the last four days we've fenced hours-on-end, and I say it's growing to be rather tiresome.
Rettehal: Singing, then?
Vroed: Why sing? We'll just sing, skip, be happy, then grow sick of it and be back where we are right
now! We need out!
Rettehal: You're in a bad mood.
Vroed: Of course I am! I'm trapped! Stuck!
Meshi, from the kitchen sings. Rettehal and Vroed talk, but can't be heard, as Meshi sing.
Balsors, Balsors,
Sok Keptelenseg
agyaggalambdobó gép
Sok Keptelenseg
Balsors, Balsors,
vágyódás senki
agyaggalambdobó gép
vágyódás senki
Balsors, Balsors,
Vidámság!
Asoko ja na, yo!
Yorokobi anata ni da!
Soko, Soko, Omae ni da!
Hen nakereba de, yo!
...
Vroed: Of course not, why would I want to be stuck here? The same could apply to either of us!
Rettehal: Well, the truth of the matter is that nothing we do in here for entertainment will help, we can't
get out.
Meshi finishes Dishes.
Vroed: Have we checked for anything blocking the doors?
Meshi: Three days ago. Nothing, so no reason they shouldn't open.
Vroed: I'm losing my memory!!! And only at twenty-seven!
Meshi: You're not losing memory, you're simply overstressed and confused.
Rettehal: In two days the mailman will be back. Then I can show you two the odd way he didn't notice
us... I'm hungry.
Vroed: I, as a cook, keep a well-stocked kitchen... Surely enough to last us for the next two weeks, maybe
longer in we ration it, but we
can't stay here forever. We need to find a way out. We've sat and done nothing for the last few days.
Rettehal: Nothing? We tried, it's just that we failed.
Meshi: What new things should we try? They seem to be normal doors, but the handles don't turn, they
don't break... What's
even more mystifying is the windows. They look like glass, but bounce like impenetrable rubber.
Rettehal: It's not just the windows, not just the doors... The walls and cieling, ... and floor, are ... All
impenetrable, immovable. Perfectly set up though, almost too perfect.
Vroed: Maybe somebody has trapped us deliberately, as some cruel human behavior experiment.
Rettehal: Nobody would trap us, what could they really gain from trapping three men in half of a house?
Vroed: Well, nothing really... If somebody were to trap us deliberately, it could mean they were
completely insane, you know how some scientists are...
Meshi: Like a hamster-in-the-maze thing, an intelligence test... Possible, but unlikely.
Rettehal(Sarcastically): Oh, and maybe you two expect me to believe that the mailman was a robot?
Vroed: A robot, you say? A robot........
Rettehal(Vroed pays no attention): That was sarcasm, Vroed.
Vroed(Unawarely yelling): You're right! A robot! Quite possible, in fact, it's very possible! It's a test, an
experiment!
Meshi: It could be true, it would explain everything pretty well, but there's really no proof.
Vroed: Maybe... Maybe... I think I understand this all now... It's making sense. I understand. Yes, I
understand.
Silence. Vroed tenses up, ready to explode...
Rettehal: Yes, what?
Vroed: We're test subjects!!! Test Subjects! We're all being experimented on!!! Little lab-rats we are!!! Oh,
no, I bet we're not the only ones... We're just one of many combinations!!! A Fencer, and two cooks!!! A
trap!!! I say, very likely! It would explain this all!
Rettehal: Vroed, calm yourself, you sound quite like a madman, yourself.
Vroed: Where's the camera? I mean, they have to have some way of watching us!
Vroed begins to search everywhere for a camera
Vroed: A camera! There must- no- IS a camera! WHERE? Camera!!! Camera! Microphone! They hid it!
HIDDEN! CAMERA! Where are they!? Laughing!!! Laughing! Laughing! Why!? At me! Me! Why me!?
They're after me!!! Cameras! Microphones! Watching me! Studying me!!! Oh, curse, why!? What's going
on!? Where?
Rettehal(following Vroed): Vroed, you're going nuts, calm down! There are no cameras or microphones,
just your house.
Meshi: Yes, Vroed, please, stoppit, you're going mad!
Vroed: What!? Why are you lying to me!? Are you scientists!? Plotters! Traitor!
Vroed enters the kitchen and starts to throw things at Rettehal
Vroed:Bastard! Imposter! Traitor! Who are you? You're not Rettehal, you're a bastard scientist! Be off,
bloody demon!!! Off!!! Off!!! Off! Off!!!!
Rettehal backs away, and in the process grabs his foil and takes it with him. Vroed distances himself from the others
as much as possible, backing against the back door. Silence for a few minutes, as Vroed calms himself, sitll backed
against the door.
Meshi: Rettehal, what the heck should we do? Vroed's gone mad.
Rettehal: Too much stress, having two people stuck in your house with you, for too long. I advi-
Vroed(Hollow-sounding): What do you want of me?
Rettehal(Slowly advancing): Well, not much.
Vroed: Why are you studying me?
Meshi: We W-
Vroed(Hoarse): SHUT UP, I wasn't talking to you!!!
Short silence
Rettehal: We are not studying you, nor are we scientists.
Vroed: If you're not scientists, then why can't I leave?
Rettehal: I do-
Vroed: WHY!!?? Why can not I LEAVE!? AGHAGHAGARAGHAGHAGHAGH!!! REPENT! REPENT!
REPENT! REPENT! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUTTUP!
Rettehal has backed against the far wall, beside the small table and Water Closet door.
Meshi: I've got an idea.
Rettehal: Yes, what?
Meshi: Knock him senseless, he might be in a healthier state of mind when he wakes up.
Rettehal: Good idea.
Rettehal lifts his sheathed sword and walks forward. Vroed starts shrieking and throwing anything at hand (dishes).
Rettehal avoids the pots and pans, and clubs Vroed forcefully on the head, twice. Vroed falls to the ground.
Rettehal: Hey, Vroed, help me out.
Meshi: Where will we carry him?
They pick up Vroed.
Rettehal: A soft chair.
They carry vroed over to the luxury chairs by the small table, and place him down on one. Rettehal and Meshi sit at
the table.
Rettehal: He can't really be blamed... Soon I'll go mad if we stay too long around here.
Meshi: Might I remind you that we've only been here for five days?
Rettehal: Did you know that people have gone mad from simply getting stuck in a restroom for a day?
Meshi: No.
Rettehal: Well, only two days till the mailman returns... If that counts for anything.
Meshi: I'm hungry. We skipped lunch.
They get up and go to the kitchen.
SCENE 2
Rettehal sleeps on the Table, Meshi on one of the luxury chairs, and Vroed where he was left earlier. Vroed wakes up.
Vroed: Huh?
Vroed looks around, and is surprised to find two of his friends lying around.
Vroed: Rettehal! By golly, I haven't seen you for weeks! Why are you lying on my table?
Rettehal begins to stir as Vroed nudges him.
Rettehal: Huh? Oh, Good mornin'... Are you feeling well?
Rettehal is now sitting up.
Vroed: Am I feeling well? That's an odd question of you to ask. Why were you sleeping on my kitchen
table?
Rettehal sits, puzzled, for a few seconds.
Rettehal: I suppose that whack I gave your head lost you a bit of memory.
Vroed: What's going on? Why's Nihonitamae here too?
Rettehal: Maybe this'll explain.
Meshi begins to wake. Rettehla walks over to the front door, pulls on it, and it opens.
Rettehal(Grinning): Damn! Well, Vroed, you wouldn't believe my explanation. Ask Meshi.
Vroed: This is odd...
Rettehal walks off.
Vroed: But I do recall something about doors...
Meshi(now standing): Ohayo Gozaimasu, Vuroedo-san, tabemash-....... Er, good morning. Sorry. Sometimes
when I awake, I forget I'm not in Japan. Are you feeling be-
Meshi notices the open door.
Meshi: Wow! Vroed, the door's open! I'll be leaving, unless you'd rather have me stay to help clean up.
Vroed stands at the door, bewildered. Short silence.
Meshi: Very well, then, sorry Rettehal had to club you on the head. Bye.
Meshi hurries out. Vroed starts to turn around. Meshi comes back.
Meshi: Sorry, I forgot my backpack...
Meshi gets his backpack from beneath the table.
Meshi(waving): Fare thee well, Vroed.
Meshi walks out.
THE END