10B14SHT. MTI:: Banker Lands Prestidigitous Award: Following months of silence from the
Federation, Haha and Lesbia’s daughter, c l yr old, Martie (or Tina), named after Martin Luther,
present harder line Newling viewpoint – lengthy bulletin, revised with addenda, but p 26 onwards
wonky. Martie (with brother, Idi ‘Ali’ Amin, pro-Newling Princess po :Lune and BoysRus in
background) in Pommiland, to award Sainthhood to Richard Dawkins, invited by recipient of
prestigious Shit of the Year Replica Trophy, Ms Bonnie Parker, Grand Mistress of Provo religious
order, the Loonie Brigade, and Vice-Gubernator of Banco di Pommiland (Clyde Barrow, Chief
Cashier). The unmentionable aspects of the Federation’s bulletins over the years now coming to be
admitted as fact.
Loonie Brigade aims to popularise terrorists’ economic genocide and to avert danger of gvt spending
cuts precipitating curtailment of expenditure. Their Perustoika (change for change’s sake) and
Glasnost (admission, where convenient, of previous secrets e.g. creditors’ assessment of pommie junk
bonds, the genocide, role played in ‘recession’ by putting up price of wigwams, that superior status
wanted slaves, with a right to heavier debts, are buying the same products, or worse, at higher prices).
Pommies fear fate akin to Hibernia’s (Finance Minister, Crismus O’ Crackpot) being hit through
keenest greenspamite Tiger Economies now being biggest loserrs…Bonnie explains that printing more
cash is the cure for all ills and admits that sub-zero interest rates were intended to rob pensioners and
turn them from saving to consumer-squander. Inconsistencies in policy and arguments confirm that a
honkiland ‘The Economy’ belongs to the robbers of the global wermin, but Newlings take a more
sophisticated view than Olderlings. The impoverishment of pommiland’s ruling class by the
inflationary factory slave wage. Prince inflation at Solly’s Broughton Astley hypermarket boosted by
pommiland’s universal Continuous Refurbishment. Brigade is advising Le’ar City Soviet how to
squander existing g0vernment grants, with kickbacks to fatcatties, to avoid surplus, handing back to
the terrorists and less next time. Pointless elimination of Star Trek and Underpass, festival to
entertain tum tums while City grinds to standstill and Ku Klux Klan debate with Black Power
Movement. Visible pommilanders all imported foreigners. Natives hit by importation but like the
foreigners. Entire population of China arriving, but even the terrorists regret the departure of the
Polanders. Although control apparently transferred to ‘Citizens’ Committees’, ‘Procurement’ ensures
that fatcatties, with expensive prices and kickbacks, retain monopolies (‘patents’). The Committees in
fact are allocated funds and must bid for procured goods and services.
To grab headlines, the pommie terrorists release Diane Abbott, Ole Laeba loonie-left democrat,
following years of protective custody. Environmental issues at ailing UK Coal’s Wallawajudi Mine in
Oburuwandi resolved but Incas feel cheated by Rights Issue and astonishing losses. Price of Shares
in Barclay Brothers’ Bank also boosted by news that cash solicited from shareholders has now been
squandered to put up the price of wigwams with generation of an impressive deficit.
Martie and Ali play Kick the Bucket on Icelandic volcano with useless plastic updated pommie pail,
manufactured by sisters being victimised by Economic Growth in Cathay, which succumbs to Handle
Fatigue. Terrorists all Greatest Visionary since Caligula, Tiberius, Nero and FDR, names used by
King of Italy. How the King’s Rugger Team lost their Igels to the Sassenachs. Arsenicals used by
Kings’ Wives to cure infertility superseded by Amanita muscaria and A. phalloides, but supplies
restricted by EU quota and Incas help out by return of EU Mushroom Mountain plus extra.
Doubts whether Richard Dawkins has committed the murders and miracles required for a Sainthood,
though vicarious credit conferred by the terrorists’ economic miracles, e.g. the historical returns
claimed by Clyde Barrow for pommie securities. After training in dodgem technique by yankie
President Louis Hamiltom, accompanied by CIA Chief, Kim Yung Eel, Martie and Co., and Jenson
Button, successfully test out the Bobmobile, a polonium-powered pram, in evasion of protesters at
pommie airports (eg Stephen Fry, regretting lack of squaw Designated Cruising Areas) and chases by
Inquisitors and Ayatollahs.
10B24RTE.MIN::Requiesc(I)at for Tiger Economies: Sharon and Judy, or doppelgenger, who are
replacing the world’s Rugger teams’ surveillance devices at President Louis Hamilton’s Sauna with
Mycroft’s Omnibug, introduced by Minnie, who supposes , when Bonnie justifies economic genocide,
that the ‘useless’ are the terrorists. Lyduschka, as DA (Biggodot’s Advocate) during Mock Trial in
the course of Richard Dawkins’ Fast Tract Sanctification Procedure discredits miracles. But in
honkiland a .’miracle’ is the expected, not the unexpected. Is Papa Judas XXX111 changing his
mind? Richard performs a miracle. Honkiland’s antiphenominalism, all the opposite of what it
seems (and the cult of appearances –packaging). Punters must consumer-spend and governments must
save (not really!). Consumer-spend enhanced by robbing pensioners and by showering wanted slaves
with more quantitatively eased debt. Voucher deprivation of honkies enhances their delinquencies.
Wanted consumer spend slaves will respond to Slobbe’s Bamboozlement Tax by even greater boozing
and robbery.
Lyduschka discovers that the pommie terrorists were hoping for misinformation passed on from
guests on Bertrand Russel (formerly Alacatraz) Bay were enduring Tantalisation Torture. The
pommie terrorists have agreed to pay lawyers, ie Lyduschka, compensation, possibly, it turns out, a
holiday for the guests on the artefactual Square Planet, originally built by Fanny, in the Oblong Galaxy.
Fatima and Dahlia, inspecting this planet are withheld by an elastic band (‘geodesic’) attached to a
‘black hole’. A Civil Defence Exercise is set up to enable rival water polo teams of the Muslim
Girls’ Academy and of Saint Trinians (whose teams are visiting Fouchette) to create enough noise to
enable Caledonian cheerleader and witch, Jamie Maxwell to perfect her antimatter gun. Jamie, The
Little Milor Fondleroy, the Countess Clara von Toft and Wilya Mree Smoug, a wyvern rescued from
pommiland, rescue Dahlia, but Jamie remains trapped on the planet, accompanied by the dragon. The
Cosmic Emergency gives Glorita on Jupiter, assisted by Gloria on Terra to test her Encrypted Reality,
which confuses the honkies and confers unfamiliar duties upon Minnie.
Ben Elton, yankie banco chief, prints six hundred billion yankie greenspam which are entrusted, in a
brown paper suitcase, to Don Kyoto Hashimoto, President of the International Monetary Fund, which
he is to present to Sabrina on Fouchette to buy back yankie bonds, with the cash to be returned to
purchase replacement bonds. But Kyoto finds himself delayed at the Bermuda Triads’ Rugger
Stadium in Miami, while watching Michael Jackson star in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ and then ignored in
the Federation because of the Cosmic Emergency Half Term Holiday, Gloria eventually transacting.
The pommies, fearing a similar debacle, earmark fifty billion pfunt, more than can be raised by robbing
the punters of all that is left, to pay for the inflation of Hibernian wigwam prices. Quantitative
easing explained. The differing Inca point of view. Oranges and Lemons. Sweeny Todd, Kim
Yung Eel and Mona Miniskirt, Etats Unies Security Advisor. Economic Growth in Chinaland,
whistleblower Moho Chin kidnapped. By Nonny No, who has hijacked Kyoto’s favourite Geisha,
Kimonono. Compensation explained.
19C02BJF.DEB Heartbreak in Pommiland Hotel Encrypted Reality results in Debbie writing this
circular while Minnie plays hostess at the Non-Executive Hotel on Fouchette to the Enclave of the
Prime Numbers of the International Backhand Jousting Federation. The accompanying high profile
pommie delegation, including Cardinal Wolsey, the Charmer Chameleon, Anne Boylen, Gracie Fields
and Vera Lynn, think they have it all sewn up – but should they have broadcast their anxieties that
they might have been guzumped by Saint Kitts with bigger non-returnable bribes? All except one
Prime Number vote for Saint Kitts. Who is the honest prime? Chairwench of the pommie Backhand
Jousting Association, the Saint Ted Lonicera Laetetsa of Lutetia complains that Mr Clever Dick is
swindling her committee, but she, and the entire committee, come to an amicable arrangement. The
rather more serious allegation that a Nigerian goalkeeper tied his bootlaces at a time prearranged with a
bookmaker.
10C07KWS.BEN Katemoss Diners Wonkileaks Debacle. Leaks, Dam Leaks and Logistics.
Debbie hacks in::Delegates bribed the Prime Numbers with expensive Katemoss Dinners. Although
they delegates paid more than it costs to sustain a Nigerian or Romanian orphan for a year, the food
was left uneaten. So ban on Katemoss Dinners takes effect in three weeks time. Hurry while
supplies last. New terms and conditions apply. Gloria introduces while Benny recovers from shock of
being told by Wonkileaks that he is receiving yankie bribes. Reassurance to honkies: Farmers, Doves,
Hawks and Wireworms. Jamie might be carrying Pasteurella Pestis Porcine 308 which is fatal to
honkies and, therefore, must be retained in the Federation. As an Amazon she will be excempt of
tuition fees and will be adopted as charlady to Fatima and Fanny to enable her to embark on Chief
Witchly duties. All Federal and honkie diplomatic traffic to be accessible to Willy Wonker’s
Wonkileaks, translated into yankispeak by Mycroft’s machines. Planted Wonkileaks. But
‘Ill-tempered muscle-bound dyke’ and ‘rampaging hephalump’ may not in honkiland be eulogies.
Threatened retribution for insults to honkies/Amazons. Cordelia, whom honkies suppose to be intent
on military conquest of honkiland, following alleged coup d’etat an ‘Empress with no clothes’.
Trawlers that murder codfish sisters and throw them back into sea banned from exclusion zone, all the
oceans, now Federal waters. Milor Cromer cites Gresham’s Laws. Honkie visitors may use own
currency. Lotteries psychological ploy that enables honkies to live through their adversities.
Identify with alleged winner. Reassurance for Mr Smith of Hull who seeks alternative to voluntary
euthanasia. Clara’s discovers how honkies have inherited the Inca languages, each group of Incas,
because of limited cognitive capacity, using only some fraction of the Inca language. All languages
are Incaspeak, yet each Amazon sister has her own language. But photographs of King Axolotl and
Queen Satusma eating missionaries are fakes to entertain tourists.
10C15BET.DLA Infallible Betting System Explained. Dahlia, with Jamie, transmits from Villa
Fannima on Jupiter to reassure honkies. Wilya volunteered to be kidnapped to enable her to ascertain
whether a suitable environment was available for the wyverns of Le’ar City being threatened by
economic growth. The rescues of Dahlia and Fatima and, then, Jamie. Explanation of the
infallible betting system – available to punters on the Grand Giveaway introduced by Mr. Clever Dick
to celebrate the coming out of Direct Debbie’s daughter, Deborah Dixon known as Rachel Rakeoff.
Mr Clever Dick’s generosity towards Mr Smith of Hull. Rakeoff as a Katemoss Dinner Hostess.
Willy Wonker’s Wonkileaks given access to sisters’ conversations. Meaning of ‘information’
explained. Solly, in fact, raised pommie bread prices by 17% within eight days. Ten legged Nye
Nye’s engineered by Dahlia in happy farms on Luna. Ken Tuckie’s stressgenes, demonstrations don’t
sway governments. Pommies have a poll tax, with a vengeance. Denial of whipping to Bertrand
Russel Bay Guests deprived them of indulgences that would have been granted by the Goddess Vesta
at her temple at Clever’s Museum on Fouchette.
12C17TMP.MIN The Temptations of Ms. Minerva Miniskirt::The Encrypted Reality (schedule
composed by Zilla who, as Soraya’s [Ruby’s] companion, is Chief Witching on Belsize) lands Minnie
with the unfamiliar roles of Chief Witch and Manager of the Rugger Team and numerous missions in
pommiland - and the company of three Narco-Gorilla sisters rescued from Oburundi.
Communication channels are blocked with garbage and Wonkileaks. The simulation of total
breakdown confines transport to broomstick and the backs of friendly non-yahoo sisters, messaging
to messagers and prohibits exploitation of local contacts–the quartet resorting to a Mary Poppins design
modified by Mycroft and disguise themselves in pommiland as Christmas Decorations. Nonny No
persuades Chinese Leader to compensate sisters for a ten per cent inflation of food prices, by pommie
standards trivial. Kimonono in Cathay. Judy and Sharon mangle inobtrusively with the natives.
Rescue of Wilya. Obstruction created by Museum of Transport (Holey) Technology encourages
Musical Bus Stops and Diversions, though efficiency of pommie transport to be further studied by
Eugene’s Plus Fours (Romanians in football shorts).. Welcome to Expansionist Joshua and the
Midianite Musicians on Exmoor. Prior to conference at sauna at Greenwich Palace with Slobbe and
retinue, despite her tempting offers, Bonnie proves her Amazon credentials. Slobbe’s ministers
paired as eminent old machos who are supreme Eunuchs together with honkie dolls given titles that
imply they are the more senior. Slobbe’s stressgenes. Amazons have more chromosomes than
honkies, though latency may in honkiland release pseudohonkification. Explains rarity of machos,
polymorphism and offspring of Inca mothers always being Incas. Glorita and Lolita, after declaring
war on the Dinosaurs, volunteer to be Proconsul of the Even More Remote Galaxies.
Independence of Highfield Institute. Sheikh Ottoman of the Spinney is Le’ar City’s Minister for
Holes in the Road. Bonnie admits that terrorists have forced all pommiland banks to give away
quantitatively eased cash provided by their ‘government’ to put up the price of wigwams. (in return
for ownership of the mortgages) - a long-standing claim of ours which we feared might be an
exaggeration – and wants the money back before agreed date. Louis Hamilton’s Katemoss Present of
127 Dinglebugs returned. Ken Tuckie’s concern over tuition fees. Pommies to be robbed by another
massive terrorist eco-swindle. All pommie wigwams to be fitted with Mycroft’s carbon dioxide
alarms. Cash strapped terrorists, while promoting the ludicrous windmills and solar cells, give away
their International Power combine and secret (not useless) marine turbine technology to King
Charlemagne of the Frank’s Swizzo, via subsidiary Swizzo Rollo, which is to become Fosbury Rollo
(or NuPI). Charmer Chameleon is hiding and Other Guy wishes he was too. Economic genocide
proliferates suicides in pommiland.. Pommie judges protect the unimpeded human rights of the heard,
while the unheard remain unheard. Lyduschka rules that all honkilands prisoners must vote.
10C20CKT.JAM: Iceberg Sinks Caledonia: Ms. Jamie Maxwell, with Rogan at Villa po Lune, recalls
her rescue from Aggie’s Happy Home by Ms Georgina Whipcane. Farewell to Flora ‘Flossie Onions’
Pickles, Games Mistress at St. Trinian’s. Jamie collaborates with eminent alchemist, Miriam, to show
that e ery incinerated tonne of methane removes four tonnes of oxygen from the atmosphere,
condemning Caledonia to unprecedented predicted global cooling.
10C26WAC.JAM::Wimmin Gaints Kutz: Slogan of the Hon Wisteria Hyde- Parker.Jamie, with
introduction by Minnie, who is in Chinaman Square with the gymnastics team, comments on some of
the corrections and changes to recent Press Circulars. Medusa then takes over. Current Inca views of
the comparative genetics of Amazons and Honkies and on the origin honkie gobblegook from the Inca
gook – and its evolution. The impossibility of accurate translation between languages and the
inappropriateness of pundits’ standard spellings. Definition of ‘Newling’. International Power. Flossie
bewitched. Medusa’s hogmanay. Brazil’s Looloo a pirate? Are honkies conscious beings or just
machines? Marine Turbines, Xanthipe.Requiescat. Carillon. Pommie minister loses war gainst
Charlemagne, Gloria/ Cosmic Community Peace Keeping Forces impound honker trawlers to fit nets
that avoid piscicide, Federation accused of prejudice against criminals. Methane.
11104BOB.HHA:: Mr. Beau’s Belles. Haha reports from Ms. Gloria Goldenday’s domestic market,
Mr/ Beau Gusset, Master of Ceremonies at the Casino at Aqua Sulis suggests that Haha pop over for a
guest appearance as Bingo Hostess, Clever’s and Direct Debbie’s daughters, Clever ‘Dicky Dick’
Dick and Deborah ‘ Rachel Rakeoff’’ Dixon boast of their achievements in pommiland. Herod’s
former favourite Paparazzo, Fabriccio Firesecapelli, now guilty of everything,.
11130BIN. PZF Concerning Dustbins
11218YOB.MIN Yob Rule in the Tetrarchy. Intro by Haha, back from performing Kalvin Kline’s
Undina at Casino, Sulis and meeting the pommies. Herod denounces Fabriccio Firescapelli. Film
extras demonstrate in the Temple Yards in the oppressed territories, the fall of King Herod. Moshe
Dayan (Plutus Devanus Cyclops) and twelve Italian legions land at Tel a Viv. Moshe meets Minnie.
Quodlings, Toby Liar entertained by Herod. Rogerius Felix Bacon, Miriam and Jamie.Publius
Fornicatorius Hacca, Salamis.
11301NAS.BON.. North Sea Olives Nassernalised. Bonnie Parker , now Ophelia, ?not entirely
despseudohonkified, visits, with Minnie, Mer Sinbad of Tripolis,(in Libanon), Sinbad’s wife liberated
by the pinkie dinglebugs, Sinbad’s quadrireme, the Temple Yard. Lions go on work to rule. Street
Nannis and Nanni Nanni, compulsory WCs. Charmer, a dangerous lunatic, selling guns in Tripolis.
Minnie off to report on rip in universe near the Even More Remote Galaxies while Ophelia is installed
as Minister of Bribes. Olive Oyl ousts Italian Gubernator, King Enormus Maximus (in another
Tripolis) and her brother, Gemel Nasser, sets up Sphyngian Brotherhood, Sheba of Nubia invades and
pinkies/pommies bomb civilians and now allied to the freedom fighters opposing Gemel’s rebels.
Gemel’s daughter, Sister Theresa Jasmine, matron of Lamborgene, rescued by Micro and Special
Forces of Federal Gymnastics team. Rosa Klebb expresses Pres. Rasputin’s anxieties over the Olives.
Haha invited to perform in Muskva. Tardis Dyskinesia. Uncle Boris supplies soya oil to fuel pommie
‘carbon dioxide free’ carriages. Ozzie gets the blame. Pub bombing. Ophelia an agent provocateur.
Lidl suggests burning of bonkers on bonfires. Fabriccio accused of euthanasia of Philistinian hippie
prophet but other charges trivial, unjust, hyprocritical. Herod defied King Italy by denying Fabriccio
vote in tetrennial re-election, fifth wigwam and penalised for paying debts, thereby supposedly not
entitled to rebate on mortgage by Herod. Glasnost in pommiland, inflation, wigwams. Monetary
Policy Committee without courage of convictions, themselves mortgage thieves. Honklies admit their
calorie requirements ‘underestimated’. Willie Wonker seeks political asylum. Muslim academy
wenches demo and water polo v the aunties. Also Zippo, Herod’s Chief Eunuch. Aggie haunted by
ghosts.
11305FID.MIN Fiddlers Roam while Bonkers Burn
11312 APO.MIN Ophelia’s Excuses
11320NOZ.COR Love Grows on Cordelia’s Nose
11326COW.COR Comelier Without: Comelier Within::Allies Nail Target Striker. No Fly Zones.
Grand Ayatollah Twitterfacing. Honkiland Football League Transfer Market. Tutelary Deity of Pinkie
Pirates, Nergel (Nergie Nergelson) appoints top team, The All Lies, which has imparted its freedom
beyond its own fans, to instil perfection into others, Bottom team, Sphingian Brothers, troublesome
fans, supporters of non-league Big Nose Party? Echo and Narcissus cross legs. The No Fly Zone over
Abrum’s Babelingham, pinkies’ arguments for repeat v Gemel Nasser, the Abba Sphinx, less
convincing and, Cordelia believes, ill-calculated, though Gloria and Celery think pinkies will get away
with it. The Big Nose Festival Cowboys and Indians Best Game Trophy, ‘Louis Hamilton Trophy’ –the
cardboard from his dinglebugs. Ophelia and Cordelia’s demo pageant. Lottie and Lucy’s entry. Jackie
and Ligeria to win? Land L return Not Cross Buns to pommiland. Cordelia’s prospects of pommiland
kingship. The King of Pomegranard, the pinkies’ quodling. Honkie adrenaline rush. Macho shortage.
Compression threatens universe. Duties of witches. Neutron Bombs. Ms. Tabitha Micrronightie,
security advisor to Expansionist and Emirates. Saint Martina a virgo intact. Leadership training at Saint
Trinians.
11409SOL.CAM Mad Monk on the Carlton Hayes Cover-Up
11428AND.COR Abuse From Both Sides. Cordelia and Co on Terra while Gloria and Co on Jupiter.
Ungrateful response of both Slobbe and Freedom Fighters to the Intergalactic Community’s
Pacification Zones. Amazons never said Slobbe guilty of murders. But he is. Uses of neutron bombs
(microwave ovens). International Court (Lyduschka) issues gagging order at the request of Ophelia
and fellow reptile, Andrea, daughter of Mr Salamander, who has replaced Matthew as Patron Saint of
Bankers. Both EU(Eustace Urquuhart) Citizens. The four companions in search of Saint Kevin.
Patron Saints of Virgins. Sts George,Luke,Theresa and Judas. The Cataract of Saint Mandie, health
enhancing radio-active Barium Sulphate, Bottled Tapwater, Care of Triffids. Concerns over Lidl
Milor Fondleroy. Cordelia suspects more machos needed in extraterrestrial settlements, or substitute.
Cordelia known as Dahlia and Dahlia as Delia.
11504LIG.COR:: Mr Kipling of the North Korean Rugger Team, maybe hoping to win the prize, in
Ecuadorian coca beans offered in Ms Anne Hathaway’s lottery, brings Cordelia the corpus of the
Human Gnome, but drops it in the Loch on the way. Alfred der Grocer Krupp, Chairman of the
International Peace Commission, ICBM Allgemeine Geseleschaft and Global Olive Corporation rails at
the ‘Assassination of Peace Commissior Liger Woods by the Maltesani Rugger Team. Uncle Boris’s
offices in Florida burn down by rioters’. Fanny advocates kind treatment of the since reconstituted
favourite target of the Newlings. Milor Sagittarius’s views on pantomines. Cordelia advises
expatriate sisters to use mechanical carpet cleaners (illegal in honkiland) in preference to the noisy
and wasteful Edgars. Expatriate sisters should pallow the honkie tum tums to steal the (illegal)
receiver-transmitters supplied by the Federation. Honkie Rugger teams will replace. Don’t clutter with
unnecessary info. Cluttering has already led to misdirection to Queen Eugenia’s of Aram’s palais of
yankies intending to visit olive groves managed by Maltesanis in Sphingia. Celebrities at Epping
Forest v Alumni Football. Bore-ovic, self-styled ‘Agent Eustace’ of Russki Rugger Team offers
‘defection’. How honkie Rugger teams operate. Bore-ovic’s Memoirs. Cordelia chides Ligeria and
Jackie’s rsky adventurous lifestyle: (off to Honey Planets withThe Macho’s Frankie and Johnny),
Dahlia says macho shortage amongst a Amazons is natural secection,inheritance of acquired
characterstics and parallel evolution. Genetics of the macho. Accident that Liger Woods was
disintegrated by Neutron Bomb. Wasn’t wearing his retroantimagnetron. Insisted on joining the
Cowboys and Indians Games. Jackie rescued from Haitian orphanage by Clara and Stanley, set up
plan to rescue a wedge from Francisco Draco in Cadiz but actually rescued Ligeria, kidnapped by Liger
from Haiti and imprisoned in Sphyngia. Daughters of Sharon and Judy, not Liger Woods and the
Warlock of Haiti..