Helping Children Grieve
What to Expect and Things to Remember
“The labyrinth is an
archetypal image of wholeness
that helps us rediscover the
depths of ourselves.”
Dr. Lauren Artress, Canon Grace Cathedral, San Francisco
We have chosen the image of the labyrinth as a metaphor for the journey through
grief. A labyrinth is not a maze as there are no dead ends and no wrong turnings.
There is only one way—forward. So it is with grief. The only way through is
forward, with many turns and going back and forth over what seems like the
same territory. We journey to the centre of our grief, to the centre of ourselves,
and then slowly return to re-enter the world.
Each person’s experience on the journey of grief will be different. This is a
reflection of our personal style, our relationship with the person who died,
our internal and social resources, and our past history of coping. As you
journey through your own grief process, there will likely be unexpected
turns and insights.
Victoria Hospice
Bereavement
Program
Children’s and
Teen’s Grief The Grief
If your children are old enough to love then
they are old enough to grieve. They feel
sadness and yearning after the loss of a
family member or friend and look to the
adults in their lives to show them what
Journey
to expect and how to deal with all the
troubling thoughts and feelings that may When a death occurs
surface. Walking the Edges
As a parent you will be faced with the SOCIAL
challenge of coping with your own grief at
Avoidance of peers or social situations
the same time as your children will need
your support with theirs. Sometimes you Increased dependence on parents or caregivers
may find it hard to listen to their anger PHYSICAL
or sadness because it brings out deep
Dizziness, restlessness, and weakness
emotion that you may have tried to avoid.
Keep in mind that for you and your Diarrhea, constipation, vomiting or stomach
children the best way to survive this ache
loss is to be open with the feelings and Changes in appetite and sleep patterns
questions that will come.
EMOTIONAL
This information is provided to help you
anticipate and understand the changing Withdrawal or explosive temper tantrums
needs of your children and teens when Numb or flat expression
a death has occurred in your family. Feeling alone or scared
Remember that this information is only a
guideline and that everyone will grieve in MENTAL
their own way and time. Confusion and disbelief
Poor concentration and forgetfulness
Focused on the topic of death or the person
who died
SPIRITUAL
Blaming God, parents or self
Wishing to die, or to be with the person who
died
No belief in the future (older children)
Important Reminder
Include your child in remembrance rituals.
Adjusting to loss As life goes on
Entering the Depths Mending the Heart
SOCIAL SOCIAL
Wanting (but not asking for) the attention of Restored desire for independence
parents and other important adults Interest in new activities and friendships
Self-consciousness with friends about the loss
PHYSICAL
PHYSICAL Reduction of previous physical responses
Continuation of earlier responses Renewed energy for activity
Low energy Return to usual sleep and eating patterns
May have symptoms of the illness that the
EMOTIONAL
person died from
Emotions settle down and become less intense
EMOTIONAL
More happiness and self confidence
Unexpected mood swings
Less guilt, fear and anger
Feeling hopeless, sad, guilty, fearful or angry
MENTAL
Acute sense of missing the person and yearning
for the person to come back to life Improved concentration and understanding
Less focus on the death and the person who
MENTAL
died
Daydreaming, forgetfulness and confusion
Increased maturity
Doubt or denial about the cause of death or its
permanence SPIRITUAL
Reconnection with faith and less blame
SPIRITUAL
Able to forgive self, parents and others
Continued blaming of God, parents or self
May seek comfort in thoughts and questions
about Heaven or saying prayers Important Reminder
Expect periodic returns to grieving at
significant transitions in your child’s life.
Important Reminder
Recognize and support your child’s unique style
and pace through grief.
Suggested Reading for Parents Three Things to Remember
and Caregivers: When Supporting Grieving
Children and Teens:
The grieving child: A parent’s guide.
By H. Fitzgerald q Children and teens are frightened
How do we tell the children? A step by step guide by what they don’t know or don’t
for helping children two to teen cope when understand. Find ways to explain the death
someone dies. By D. Schaefer and C. Lyons in simple concrete terms. Explain what a dead
person will no longer do (i.e. walk, eat,
Suggested Reading for Children breathe, feel).
and Teens: q Children and teens look to the important
adults in their lives to learn how to
AGE 3–11 grieve. Help them understand that feelings
The Education of Little Tree. F. Carter and of sadness and anger are normal. Also, help
R. Strickland. them to find safe, acceptable ways to express
these feelings.
When dinosaurs die: A guide to understanding
death. By L. Krasny Brown q Children and teens are not likely to talk
about their questions or feelings about
The tenth good thing about Barney. By J. Viorst
the death if you don’t. Your children are
AGE 12–17 sensitive to your moods and behavior. If they
When a friend dies: A book for teens about sense that you don’t want to talk about the
grieving and healing. By Gootman, Espeland & person who died they will keep their feelings
Stith inside too.
Fire in my heart. Ice in my veins. A journal for
teenagers experiencing a loss. By E. Traisman
Breavement Groups for Children
and Teens
q Victoria Hospice Society Children’s and
Parent’s Groups (8 sessions) ages 5–12
q Living and Learning Through Loss
(8 sessions) ages 13–19. Contact Alexandra
Stewart 652-4142.
Victoria Hospice Society • 3rd Floor, Richmond Pavilion, 1952 Bay Street, Victoria, BC V8R 1J8 • (250) 370-8715