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tongan-language-resources-skip-jealousy

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Jealousy and Fighting                             Meheka´ mo e Kē
Some children react really strongly when a        „Oku „i ai „a e fānau „e ni‟ihi „e liliu „a „enau
new baby arrives in the house. Some get very      tō‟onga „i ha fanau‟i mai ha pēpē fo‟ou. Ko e
angry, others seem to start behaving like         ni‟ihi te nau „ita lahi, ni‟ihi „e liliu „enau
babies themselves and some children treat         tō‟onga „o hangē ha fanga ki‟i valevale´ pea
their little brother or sister with total love.   ni‟ihi te nau tali lelei mo „ofa‟i „a e pēpē kuo
                                                  toki fanau‟i mai´.
It‟s not surprising that small children react     „Oku totonu ke „oua „e fai ha ofo „i he tō‟onga
this way, especially if they are used to being    ko‟eni „a e fānau´ kae tautefito kapau ko ia
an only child or the baby in the family. They     tokotaha pē „a e fānau iiki he fāmili´. „E ala ke
may feel really threatened by their new           ne pehē „e hiki mei ai „a e „ofa „a „ene ongo
brother or sister and feel unloved and ignored.   mātu‟a´ pe „e fakali‟eli‟aki ia koe‟uhi ko e pēpē
                                                  fo‟ou.
Preparing together for the birth of a new baby    Koia ai ko e teuaki ko ia ki he fā‟ele´ ko e me‟a
is something you can do together. This way        ke fai fakataha „o kau mai ki ai mo e fānau iiki´.
your child will feel involved and important in    Pea te nau „ilo mo ongo‟i „oku „ikai ke li‟aki pe
the family.                                       ta‟etokanga‟i kinautolu.
Start talking about the baby and the birth        Kamata ke fai ha talanoa ki he pēpē fo‟ou´ ha
several months in advance. This works well        lau māhina kimu‟a „o tautefito ki he„ene kamata
when the pregnancy is starting to show.           ke „asi „oku´ ke fo‟ikete´.
Answer questions honestly.                        Tali totonu „a e ngaahi fehu‟i´.
Ask them for their ideas on names and things      „Eke ange ki he fānau´ pe koe hā ha‟anau lau ki
you need to buy for the baby.                     ha hingoa „o e pēpē fo‟ou´ pea mo e ngaahi
                                                  me‟a ke fakatau mai ma‟a pēpee´.
Make any major changes before the baby            Kapau „e „i ai ha ngaahi liliu lahi ke fai pea fai
comes. For example moving your older child        „eni kimu‟a he fā‟ele´ „o hangē ko hano hiki ia
out of their cot or bedroom.                      mei´ he mohenga pēpee´ ki ha mohenga „e taha
                                                  pe ko hono hiki ki ha loki kehe.
Talk about where the baby will be born and        Fakamatala ke ne „ilo „a e feitu‟u „e fā‟ele‟i ai
tell them you might have to stay in the           „a e pēpē fo‟ou´ pea „e ala te ke tokoto „i
hospital for a day or two.                        falemahaki ai ha ngaahi „aho.
“We prepared for the new baby together. I put     “Na‟a mau kau kotoa he teu „o e fā‟ele‟i mai „o
a stool by the change table, we put all the       pēpee´. Na‟a´ ku hiki atu ha sea mā'olunga ki he
baby clothes in the drawers together. We read     ve‟e tepile „oku fai ai „a e fetongi napikeni pea
lots of books together about new babies. He       mau fa‟o foki „a e vala fo‟ou „o e pēpee´ he
held him the first day he was born.”              toloa´. Na‟e lahi hono lau e ngaahi tohi
                                                  fekau‟aki mo e fā‟ele‟i mai ha pēpē fo‟ou´ pea
                                                  na‟e „oange ki ai ke ne ki‟i fua he fuofua „aho
                                                  na‟e fā‟ele‟i ai.”
Think about putting the baby in a cot, not        Vakai na‟a sai ange ke ke fakatokoto „a e pēpē
your arms, when your other child/children         fo‟ou´ „i hono mohenga´, „o „oua te ke fua „i he
visit.                                            taimi „oku „a‟ahi atu ai „a e toenga „o e fānau´
                                                  kia koe´.
Let them hold the baby as soon as possible        „Oange ke nau fua „a e pēpee´ he faingamālie
and take photos.                                  vave taha´ pea´ ke faitaa‟i kinautolu mo pēpē.
When you get home ask them to help with           „I he „atā mei falemahaki´, fakakau atu
bathing, fetching towels etc – although don‟t     kinautolu „i hono tokanga‟i „a pēpee´ „aki
make them if they don‟t want to.                  ha‟anau tokoni atu ki hono kaukau‟i, holoholo
                                                  mātu‟u mo e alā me‟a pehē – pea 'oua na'a
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                                                    fakamālohi‟i ke nau fai ia kapau „oku „ikai ke
                                                    nau loto ki ai.
Your child might enjoy having a washable            „E ala fiema‟u „e ho‟o tama´ ke „oange ha‟ane
doll to look after when you are caring for the      pēpē tamapua ke ne tokanga‟i lolotonga „a ho‟o
new baby.                                           tokanga‟i e pēpē fo‟ou´.
Ask them what they think the baby should            „Eke ange ke nau fakahā atu pe koe hā „a e
wear (don‟t give too many choices – “the            teunga ke tui „e pēpee´ (faingofua ange ke fili
yellow or the blue one”).                           mei´ ha me‟a pē „e 2 – “kofu lanu engeenga´ pe
                                                    lanu pulu´”).
Make time each day to spend with your older Vahe‟i ha taimi makehe ke ke feohi ai mo ho‟o
children, it could just be reading a book or        fānau „oku lalahi ange´, 'e lava pē ke ke lau ha
having a chat about a tv programme.                 tohi talanoa ma‟a kinautolu pe ko ha‟a mou
                                                    talanoa ki ha me‟a pē „o hangē ko ha
                                                    polokalama televisone.
If they do get angry and seem to want to hurt       Kapau „e „asi mai „oku nau „ita pe fehi‟a „ia
the baby, talk about it. Ask them how they          pēpē „o feinga ke fakalavea‟i, „oku tonu ke fai
feel and tell them its ok to feel jealous, but tell ha talanoa fekau‟aki mo ia. „Eke pe „oku nau
them it‟s not ok to hurt the baby.                  meheka pe „ita pea fakahā ange „oku „ikai hano
                                                    kovi ka „oku „ikai totonu ke fakalavea‟i „a pēpē.
Tell them stories about what happened when          Fakamatala ange „a e taimi na‟a´ ke fā‟ele‟i ai
they were born and when they were little. Get kinautolu´ pea mo e taimi na‟a nau kei si‟i hake
the baby photos out.                                ai´. „Ohake honau ngaahi tā he‟enau kei
                                                    valevale´ ke mou sio ai.
All brothers and sisters fight, some more than „Oku kē „a e kau tautehina kotoa pē, „o tu‟olahi
others. Just as with any behaviour, there do        e ni‟ihi pea si‟i pē „a e fai 'eni „e ha ni‟ihi. Pea
need to be limits and boundaries to prevent         „e hangē pē ko honau ngaahi „ulungaanga´
things getting out of control. Fights usually       kotoa, „oku totonu ke fakamahino hono
happen when children are tired, hungry or           ngātanga´ na‟a fu‟u tōtu‟a. „Oku fa‟a fai „a e kē
bored, when they want attention or when they „a e fānau´ koe‟uhi´ „oku nau hela‟ia, fiekaia pe
think someone is trying to move in on their         pipiko‟ia pe ko ha feinga ke fai ange ha tokanga
possessions. Younger children don‟t have the ki ai. „E hoko foki ha kē „o kapau te nau sio „e
skills to solve these problems and may lash         feinga „ave pe ala ange ha taha ki ha‟anau me‟a.
out. Children need to learn how to work             „Oku te‟eki ai ke nau poto mo „ilo „a e me‟a
things out with other people. Parents can help totonu ke fai´ „o ka hoko „eni, pea „e fiema‟u ke
by encouraging communication and problem            ako‟i ke nau „ilo „a e founga totonu´. „E tokoni
solving.                                            „a e mātu‟a´ ke ako‟i ke mahino mo fakahoko
                                                    lelei honau loto´ pea mo veteange ha ngaahi
                                                    faingata‟a‟ia.
“I spend a lot of time sorting out fights           “'Oku lahi e taimi „a „eku ta‟ofi e kē „a „eku
between my boys. I give them separate play          ongo tamaiki tangata´. Pea „oku ou
areas a lot. If Alex needs to play on his own,      fakamavahe‟i ke na va‟inga mākehekehe he
we put the gate up in his room so he can play taimi lahi. Ka fiema‟u „e Alex ke va‟inga
without his little brother wrecking things; I try tokotaha pea teu „aa‟i „a e matapā ki hono loki´
to teach him to give his brother a toy he can       ke „oua „e hū atu „a e si‟i ai´ „o veuki „ene me‟a
play with, rather than just shoving him away.” va‟inga´; „oku ou ako‟i ke ne „oange ha
                                                    me‟ava‟inga ma‟a hono tehina´ ke ne va‟inga
                                                    „aki kae „oua te ne tuli mo teke ke mama‟o.”
If your children are squabbling go to another       Kapau „e fai ha‟ana kē pea´ ke „alu ki ha loki
room, giving them space to sort it out. If          kehe „o tukuange´ ke sio pe „e lava pē ke na
things settle down without you, tell them they fakalelei. Kapau na‟e lava „ona fakalelei „ia
      0077a670-922b-4255-aaff-24a8e364a498.doc


did well. Give them some attention.                 kinaua pē, pea´ ke fakamahino ange „oku sai
                                                    „ena lava „o fai pehee´.
Think about whether they are bored, tired or        Vakai pe „oku nau pipiko‟ia, hela‟ia pe fiekaia.
hungry. Give them something else to do.             'Oange ke nau fai ha me‟a ke nau hanganoa ai.
Try and give your children some individual          „E sai kapau „e ma‟u ha faingamālie ke ke
attention so they don‟t feel they have to           tokanga taautaha ia kia kinautolu koe‟uhi ke
compete with each other. Be even with your          „oua te nau fesiosiofaki ma‟u pē. „Ai ke
positive comments.                                  potupotu-mālie hono fakahikihiki‟i kinautolu´
                                                    hono kotoa.
Sort out some toys that are special to each         Fakamavahe‟i „a e ngaahi me‟a va‟inga „oku
child and they don‟t have to share. It‟s fine       nau manako taautaha ai´ ke nau takitaha tauhi
for an older child to have a special toy they       pē ia. „Oku „ikai kovi hano „oange ha
don‟t want someone younger to break.                me‟ava‟inga 'oku makehe ke tauhi „e he tama
                                                    lahi´ na‟a maumau‟i ia „e he si‟i.
Encourage some creative solutions. If they‟re       Fakasio ma‟u pē ha ngaahi founga fo‟ou mo
fighting over crayons suggest they each             fakapotopoto ange ke fai „aki „a ho‟o ngaahi
choose three each, rather than trying to find       fakatonutonu´. Ka fai ha kē he kala tā-valivali´
out who caused the fight.                           pea fekau ke na takitaha fili ha fo‟i kala „e 3 ke
                                                    na nonga ai „o „oua „e faka‟eke pe ko hai na‟a´
                                                    ne fakatupu „a e kee´.
Don‟t investigate who started it. Ask them if       „Oua „e fakatotolo‟i pe ko hai na‟a´ ne fakatupu
they can think of a way of solving the              „a e kee´. „Eke ange pe „oku´ na „ilo ha founga
problem.                                            ke vete „aki „a „ena fefaikehekehe‟aki´.
Separate without punishment – for example           Fakamavahe‟i kae „oua „e tautea‟i´ „o pehē ni –
suggest that one plays in one room while the        fekau „a e taha ke „alu „o va‟inga tokotaha pē ia
other helps you do something else.                  pea ko e tokotaha ke tokoni atu ha me‟a ke mo
                                                    fai.
Don‟t compare your children, or praise one          „Oua „e fakatatau „a ho‟o fānau´ pe vikia ha
over the other, but try to make each one feel       taha kae tukuhifo ha taha. Feinga ke nau „ilo
special and unique.                                 „oku´ ke „ofeina mo pelepele‟i takitaha
                                                    kinautolu.
Instead of saying “share”, say “It‟s ...‟s turn.”   „Oua „e fekau‟i ke nau “vahevahe” ha me‟a.
                                                    Talaange, “ko e taimi 'eni „o hai.”
New babies                                          Pēpē fo‟ou´
Feelings of jealousy, rivalry and resentment        Ko e anga totonu pē ka „asi mai ha meheka,
are normal. Parents can help children learn to      fakavahavaha‟a pe loto mamahi mei´ he fānau´
handle these feelings.                              „o ka fā‟ele‟i mai ha pēpē fo‟ou. Kā „e lava „e
                                                    he mātu‟a´ „o tokoni‟i „a e fānau ke nau lava „o
                                                    matali ha hoko „a e me‟a´ ni.
Getting ready for the new arrival                   Teu ki he „aho fā‟ele´
When the new baby is born                           „I hono fā‟ele‟i mai „o e pēpē fo‟ou´
It‟s important for them to feel a part of           „Oku mahu‟inga ke fakakau atu „a e fānau iiki´
everything. They need to feel important and         kotoa he teuteu´ pea ke nau „ilo‟i „oku
responsible.                                        fakamahu‟inga‟i „enau kau ki ai.
Fighting                                            Ko e kē
“If they are bickering, give them space to sort     “Kapau „oku nau kē pea tukuatu ke vakai‟i pe te
it out”                                             nau lava pē ke nau toe fakalelei”
Some ideas                                          Ngaahi fokotu‟u fakakaukau
“I think we need to see anger as natural – it‟s     “'Oku tonu ke mahino ko e „ita´ ko e me‟a pē ia
      0077a670-922b-4255-aaff-24a8e364a498.doc


how parents deal with it”                         kuopau ke hoko – kā ke toe lelei ange „a e me‟a
                                                  ke fai „e he mātu‟a´ „i ha‟ane hoko”
SKIP006 May 2005                                  SKIP006 Mē 2005
Skip supports parents and caregivers to raise     „Oku poupou‟i „e he Skip „a e mātu‟a´ mo e kau
their children in a positive way.                 tauhifānau´ ke nau lava „o ohi lelei hake „a
                                                  „enau fānau´.
For more information go to:                       „E toe ma‟u atu ha ngaahi fakamatala mei´ he
www.familyservices.govt.nz/skip/                  uepisaiti: www.familyservices.govt.nz/skip/
Email: skipinfo@msd.govt.nz                       „Imeili: skipinfo@msd.govt.nz pe telefoni 04
or phone: 04 916 3300                             916 3300
For more information on support for parents       „E ma‟u atu mo e ngaahi fakamatala ki he
go to www.familyservices.govt.nz and click        poupou mo e tokoni ki he mātu‟a´ mei´ he
on National Directory.                            uepisaiti www.familyservices.govt.nz pea ke
                                                  fakaava „a e National Directory.
“How you are with them is how they are to         “Ko ho‟o ngaahi tō‟onga kiate kinautolu´, ko
you and each other”                               „enau tō‟onga ia „e fai atu kia koe´ pea mo nau
                                                  takitaha fai „ia kinautolu´”
“When I was burping the baby I‟d have to          “'I he „eku fakahake „a pēpē, na‟a´ ku toe
burp Joe as well”                                 fakahake ai pē foki mo Joe”
“Get your older child out of the cot before the   “Feinga ke hiki atu „a ho‟o tama lahi´ mei´ he
new baby is born”                                 mohenga pēpee´ (cot) kimu‟a pea ke toki
                                                  fā‟ele´”

								
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