Top Ten Dating Tips
Tip #1: Dress to Impress
We all know that first impressions go a long way. So often, we have guys ask us "Should I
wear a jacket or tie to an event?" Here's what we have to say about that: remember,
guys, that girls do like men in uniforms. In the everyday world, that's a suit and tie. You
don't always have to wear both, but if you make an effort to dress up a little, the ladies
will feel, "Look, he cares about himself, and he cares enough to dress up for us!" And,
that, my friends, is very sexy to the ladies!
As for you, ladies, we tell you, don't come to the dinner in sneakers, sweats, or scrubs.
Guys don't want to go out with a lady wearing Grandma's duds.
And, guys and girls, remember! There is nothing that says more about you than your
haircut. Even if you do nothing else, get yourself a good haircut in a current style. There is
nothing more sexy than clean, freshly groomed hair. Remember that body language tip we
mentioned last time, that touching one's hair is an indicator of attraction? So, it's a no-
brainer why the state of your hair is so important to your first impression. See your local,
friendly hairdresser today.
Tip #2:Tips on Tipping!
Did you know that tipping is sexy? Really! Don't you enjoy knowing you are out with
someone who is generous? Whether it's money, compliments, care for other people,
generosity is a trait that comes across as sexy.
At Eight Friends Out dinners, the dinner club always pays the tip for the food, but that
does not include the extra care that everyone receives from bar staff and extra wait staff
work. Please remember to take care of these people too. It may just be a couple of dollars
to you, but did you know that servers often get no more than $2.35/hour? That means
they really are counting on tips to pay their bills. Remember, too, that the server may be
working overtime or may be under some stress and strain to take care of your group and
others.
When out on a date, do check your bill first to make sure gratuity wasn't already added to
your receipt. Many restaurants have taken to adding the gratuity to your bill, and you
need to look to be certain that you don't double-pay. 18% is the most common amount for
a tip these days but it can be up to 23%! Yes, just like everything else, there is inflation in
gratuities! Caring for others is generosity too, so be polite, and tip your waiter, waitress,
or bartender.
If you see that a restaurant is not doing right by its wait staff and therefore, not by you,
then let the management know. They can't fix what they don't know is broken.
Tip #3: Keep it Light & Easy!
When first getting into a relationship with someone, go slow. Some people need to go
slower than others, so patience is a virtue. Disclose your personality gradually, especially
if, like me, you are a bit loud and outspoken. Give people an opportunity to know you
before you lay it all out there, at least, if you are looking for a relationship. I know that
some people out there my say, "Hey, this is me!" I'm not saying not to be you, just don't
disclose too much too soon.
Have you ever asked someone "How are you?" and they gave you their life story? They
forgot that there is a communications protocol where you say, "fine". Maybe the next time
you might want to hear a little more, but everyone should remember, proper time, proper
place. Be gentle with the people you meet. Complaining or swearing is a turn-off. There's
a reason why spas and resorts play soothing music and decorate in soothing colors. Loud
is not better.
Putting down the opposite sex is unattractive. If you are constantly saying, "There are no
good men" or "All women are psychos", then those are the people you will notice, while
missing the fun, easy, gentle souls. If you are thinking about buying a yellow pickup,
suddenly all you see is yellow pickups. The people I know that always have dates or that
find a relationship easily just love, love, love the opposite sex, and it shows! The opposite
sex is attracted to them because of that!
Skip the long, up-front confessions. There's no better way to chase someone away than to
tell them everything about yourself, your past, your ex, and even your dreams before you
really know each other. Did you see the lady on "The Bachelor Paris" that told the guy in
their first conversation that she wanted to "reproduce"? I think she missed the "Keep it
light & easy" conversation!
Tip #4: Gender Myth-busting
Here’s some heartening news that came from the survey single professionals filled out for
me in November 2005. Remember, it had to do with what men want and what women
want? I think we did a little "gender stereotyping - busting"!
The most common answers of what men wanted from women were these two answers:
trust and companionship. In a marriage, they said communication was the most important
thing, and only 1 man mentioned sex at all!
Although most men described themselves as a little bit old-fashioned and a little bit
modern, they all-every one-wanted to be the major breadwinner, and not a single one
wanted to be the major caregiver. They also were not into carpooling; however, they
didn't want their partner to do all the work.
Women wanted men to be, first and foremost, kind and honest. Their other top qualities
were steadiness, intellect, and a sense of humor. No surprises there. Only 1 woman
mentioned the need for a man to have money. What they said they wanted most out of a
partner was sharing and partnership, and what they wish most that a man would do is
adore them!
Women, however, were willing to do just about anything in a family or marriage situation.
They were most willing to do the cooking, but most wanted to hire someone else to clean
the house. They, like the men, did not expect their mate to do everything, either.
Men want to be appreciated, and women want to be adored. They both want to share in a
partnership. Women want to feel like they can trust a guy, and men want women to know
they can indeed be trusted. What people, both genders, really want are basic human
rights: love, appreciation, and respect. So, all I have to say is this, you get what you give.
Thanks for sharing, you all!
Tip #5: Men vs. Women
Guys and gals are different. Duh! Didn't John Gray try to tell us that in Men Are From
Mars; Women Are From Venus? Males and females have their own "cultures". We've all
seen the jokes about men only being interested in 3 things: sex, beer, and football-not
necessarily in that order. All you have to do is look at magazine or television ads to see
what kind of culture women are supposedly experiencing: Looking at ads, you'd think all
we care about is shopping and looking pretty. All of those images are very stereotypical,
but may have some truth to them, in part.
At Eight Friends Out dinner club, we see this acculturation in one obvious way that people
are always asking us about: signing up for events. Why is it do you think we have hired a
lady to do nothing but call men? She doesn't call women because he doesn't have to. The
women sign up all by themselves-and months in advance. The men wait until the last
minute to sign up. Annie will call men on Friday and they say to her, "Call me Monday." So
we do.
Women think it's that men don't like to commit. I know better. Men do like to commit;
they leave the club in higher rates and more quickly than the women do, to be in long tern
relationships or for marriage. The truth is that women are acculturated to take care of and
coddle men.
Women are also what is called "multi-phasic"; they can do many tasks all at the same
time. Men are more singular-minded, over all, or focused on one thing. Women are used
to cooking dinner while doing the laundry, and yes, planning the social outings. That's one
of the major subjects that my parents, married close to 60 years, still fight about! My
mom wants my dad to take the initiative. I said, "Mom, take it from me; he never will!"
But, to be fair, ladies-although it's maddening that the guys wait until the last minute to
sign up for dinners, they DO usually take the initiative to ask a lady out. They put
themselves up for possible rejection on a weekly basis. And besides, they're only making
me and Annie chase them down-not you all! So, guys, the next time you ask Annie "aren't
there enough men?" I say this: there are enough men, all right. But have you signed up
yet? The ladies are waiting. Annie's job is secure.
Tip #6: Feedback Always Helps
After events with Eight Friends Out, we do follow ups with club members to ask them for
feedback about the dinners and the people they have met. One reason we ask for
feedback is to find out what we can do better in the club, but we also want to know what
guys and gals find attractive-or unattractive-in members of the opposite sex.
One of the sexiest traits in the world (especially the dating world) is being a good listener.
Men and women alike like to be heard. I tell guys, "just listen to the girl you're with". I tell
ladies, "just listen to the guy you're with." People need to know that how they feel and
what they are interested in is important. When you let them know that who they are
matters, they will, in return, be attracted to you! (And, remember, guys, Ben Franklin
knew that the best way to appeal to a woman is to show interest in her mind-not her
physical appearance, even if you are physically attracted to her!) So, if you go to any
social event-not just Eight Friends Out-pay attention! Introduce yourself, ask questions,
draw people out, show some interest, and smile! If you don't, you might just miss finding
out that the person most compatible to you was there at that very event.
And if you're shy, see me! I am a reformed painfully shy person, so if I can become a
social butterfly, so can you!
Tip # 7: The New Relationship
You've finally met someone. Now how do you handle the situation? You don't want to
come on too strong. Or do you? Many times, when we meet someone we like, we get
stuck thinking about them, and so sometimes we try too hard, or we go too fast.
Remember that you have to give people some space; allow them the time and the room
for you to grow on them!
One thing to remember is that "girl time" and "boy time" are different. When he says, "I'll
call you", he probably means in 2 to 4 weeks! When he says, "Call me", he doesn't mean
tomorrow. But guys must remember that when you say "call me", don't be surprised if the
girl does call you-tomorrow! Better to say "I'll call you" and then call when you're ready-as
long as you do indeed call!
And that is one thing that drives both men and women wild-if you say you are going to
call, do it. If you say you're going to be somewhere, be there. In other words, do what you
say you are going to do! If you aren't interested, say so. Don't let the other person die a
slow death, waiting to hear from you. (But, ladies, remember, a month is reasonable "man
time"!) I've had a lot of guys complain because women never call them back.
Ladies, don't give a guy your number if you aren't interested! I very frankly tell guys that I
don't give out my number. I either give them my work number or tell him to meet me at a
work related event or a restaurant where I am well known. If the guy shows up, I know
he's interested. If he's doesn't, he's not. Also, that way, I am surrounded by people I
know in a safe environment when meeting guys. I also find out just how flexible-or flaky,
they are!
If you've just met a person, it's too early for all out confessions and diatribes about exes
or how men are/how women are. It's also too early for ten page letters and definitely too
early for "I love you"! Be careful how much you spill and how soon. There is a process in
the relationship called "discovering". Allow time to find out similar likes and dislikes,
personal values, and habits.
Scheduling fun things to do together helps you to discover how a person behaves in
different situations, so you can discover if the person is truly compatible. In a hurry? Take
a long road trip with someone! Nothing like bring stuck in the car for hours with someone
to find out the truth about an individual! Just don't do it on your first date, folks. Be safe.
Tip #8: Guarantees for Meeting Someone New
Want to be guaranteed to meet members of the opposite sex? Here are some quick and
easy tips!
Ladies who want to meet men, here is the Golden Rule: Show up early! If we say 6:30pm
for the cocktail hour, then gosh darn it, be here at 6:30pm. It's always the hostess and at
least half a dozen guys for the first half a hour, how nerve wracking! Why? The men show
up early; the ladies want to be fashionably late. So if you are a lady who wants to get the
special attention from all the gents, show up early!
Another obvious tip for ladies is that when you go to an EFO or other singles social events,
DO NOT go with your best friends attached to your hip. Guys are much less likely to
approach you if you and your girlfriend look like you're having more fun with each other
than the male company. In addition, it's a bit rude! After all, you joined the club to meet
gentlemen. You can talk to your friend after you go home - or tomorrow! Give the gents
your full attention! Pay attention to them, not to your girl friends. And, smile! Look into
their eyes, and give them your full attention, especially if it's a guy you are attracted to! I
don't mean for you to melt, but when you are polite enough to give someone a smile and
the courtesy of your full attention, that makes you very attractive - to the guy you are
talking to, as well as other guys watching! Now, for the gents. If you want to be
guaranteed to meet the ladies, go to every arts and concert event you can. Be it the
symphony, a play, a concert, the movies, or dancing, ladies dominate at these events. So!
You could be the only guy going out with a dozen ladies; sounds like a plan to me! Sign up
for relationships seminars, cooking classes, and anything else ladies like! If you want to
have the ladies all to yourself, there is nothing easier than joining them where they enjoy
going.
Ladies find culturally well-rounded gents quite appealing! Of course be polite; hold open
doors, pull out a lady's chair, or use some other form of gracious action, because women
like a thoughtful and courteous gentleman. That's where the word comes from-genteel! Be
it! Then, later, you can go home to the privacy of your own abode to drop the common
courtesies. But, when in public and at a dinner, put your best face and demeanor on!
Tip #9: Dear John/Dear Jane
Two of the issues I often hear about are rejection and let downs. These are really two
different things. I often say, "don't send someone a rejection email; they will remember it
forever." People do remember a rejection in print and often take it hard. If someone
forwards you their email after a dinner and you are not interested, it is really better to let
it go into the void. People will forget about it rather quickly and move on to the next
person they are interested in.
But if you put it in print, there are often hurt feelings and lots of wondering about why.
Let go of it. There are lots of fish in the sea. Eight Friends Out has over 1400 "fish"!
If you have dated the person and you want to end it, please don't write a "dear John" or
"dear Jane" letter. Again, these often cause more confusion and hurt feelings. Better to
talk to the person over the phone or in person, so that they can ask you why you are no
longer interested. Give them a valid explanation-the true one. People appreciate the
truth, because then they know what they have to do-let o, move on, or get a makeover!
I often hear stories that 2 people go on a date, and then one person returns to their ex
with nary a word to the one time date. Often, one person just disappears and then turns
up with the former Beau or Belle at a public event, much to the newbie's chagrin.
That said, please don't lead people on! If you really still have a "thing" for your last love,
don't make others think you are available when your heart truly is not. If you must date
to find out how you really feel about the ex, do let your date know that this is a friendship
only because, truly, you are in love with someone else. Although it still remains an
uncomfortable situation, at least your date knows exactly where he or she stands.
Honesty is always the best policy. It's hard to move forward when you are wondering why
your last date just disappeared off the face of the earth. Sometimes, we worry.
Sometimes, we wonder what's wrong with us. But many times it turns out the other
person is just not yet out of a former relationship, and so there isn't anything wrong
except the way they left you hanging, turning slowly in the wind.
Be polite, and be up front. Courtesy-and honesty-- work.
Tip #10: About the "Age Thing"
Many of the questions I have gotten involve the age ranges and how we separate people
in terms of age groupings for a dinner club. We generally do 3 groups in different age
ranges: the 20's & 30's, the 40-somethings, and the 50-somethings. We also do the
"under 40" and "over 40".
People have asked, why do the 3 groups, when "under 40"/ "over 40" are essentially the
same? We have many people in the "over 50" age group who do not want to meet people
young than them. So, once a month we have a group specifically for those over 50. This
group is smaller and more intimate, and some people prefer it that way. The "over 40"
group is essentially Baby Boomers and that Baby Boomer age group is getting larger and
larger, as the Baby Boomers are coming of age. We are reaching critical mass! So the
"over 40" group will have anywhere from 36 to 40 people at a dinner! Also, some people
know that if you are right around age 40, we are pretty flexible about to which group you
go to dinner with. People who are right around that age sometimes still look like a 30-
something and want to date younger people, just as people who are right around 50
sometimes still look like a 40-something and want to date younger people. Because of
this, we do allow people to "cross borders", if they so desire.
People also have questions about the "20 & 30's" group. We usually find that people start
to come to EFO when they reach the age of 27. They have already done their college "high
jinks", and they are starting to look for a more mature set of people with whom to hang
out, enjoy conversation, and possibly for dating and future relationships. Most of them
have not been married yet, and so they are starting to look for potential mates.
Another question we receive is, "Why don't you do all-age dinners?" Well, actually, if you
look at the calendar, we do! For example, many of our brunches are all ages. These are
events for people who want to meet and date people much older or much younger than
themselves, although a lot of people join us just to socialize and meet a lot of people at
one time. These events can have up to 50 people!
In the past, I had a club that only did all age dinners, and what we found was that young
people would come once to a dinner and never come again, because they did not want to
date the other generations. Rather than lose members, we decided to offer both
possibilities in the club, so that everyone could have a dinner group that they would enjoy.
Because there are many young people who want to date young people only, and because
there are older people who only want to date people of their own generation, we continue
to hold the age grouping dinners, in addition to the all-age events. We found that once we
split off the ages, the young people returned to the club in full force!
Those of you who know us, know we are devoted to you! That is why we offer all the
different age groupings and why we sometimes bend the rules for you. We enjoy having
you as our nearest and dearest friends, and we'll hold your hands until you fly fly away!
For more dating tips, write to me at booklady@loveloveout.com!