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									Welcome to Dinner Theater!
Mr. Weiss: Good morning, class.
All: Good morning, Mr. Weiss!
Mr. Weiss: In preparation for tomorrow's exam, I
think we should have a quick review, yes?
Mr. Weiss: It's for your own good. Now who can
tell me a little about Mozart? Ahhh yes, Charlie?
Charlie: Oh that's an easy one, Mr. Weiss! Mozart
was that guy with the crazy hair ...
Mr. Weiss: Yes, yes, go on.
Charlie: … From the 1980's! I saw him on TV with
that guy who makes rap music...what's his name ...
Child 1: Oh! You mean that piano guy! I saw that
video too!
Child 2: I love that video! Mozart is awesome! He
made the best music videos.
Mr.Weiss: Are you serious?!
Charlie: See I told you it was an easy question!
Mr. Weiss: No...No! How can you mix up the
greatest musical composer of all time with ... with
… FALCO!!!
Child 1: Ah, yes!! That's their name! Falco! Such a
great musical team.
Mr. Weiss: Your generation makes me sick. Since
you all obviously have no clue about music! Now
open your textbooks to page ...
Mr. Weiss: What is the meaning of this?
Child 3: Willy Wonka just announced that he is
giving away tickets to visit his world famous
chocolate factory!
Mr. Weiss: You don‟t say? Class dismissed!!
Child 3: But there are only 5 available.
Mr. Weiss: Oh.
Child 3: And he put them in 5 different chocolate
bars! Anyone could find a ticket if they're lucky!
Mr. Weiss: Class re-dismissed!!
Augustus: Ugh, when can I eat? Mom, I‟m
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus Gloop, look at you! You‟ve
already finished fasting for the month. It‟s past sundown
and Ramadan will be over in a few minutes.
Augustus: Yes, Eid begins soon! In a few minutes I
can put my hands on some delicious savory meals!
Augustus: I could really go for some hamonado or
relleno or even some gulaman …
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus, close your mouth and stop
drooling! The feast will begin soon. We invited all the
family, so stop staring at the hummus and pita bread.
Augustus: Whatever!
Augustus: Look at how much weight I‟ve lost from
fasting. It‟s such a pain to eat a day‟s worth of food
before sunrise. Come on, when we can eat?
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus! Everyone! The countdown
begins in 5, 4 …
Everyone: 3, 2, 1 … Eid Mubarak!
Augustus: Food! Yum! Lamb! Chicken! Hummus! Pita
Bread! Samosa!
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus! Let everyone else have
some! Augustus!
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus, I have a special sweet for
Augustus: A sweet?
Augustus: Is this what I think it is? Mom, are
these my favorite Willy Wonka Sweetened
Chocolate Covered Dates?
Violet: You‟re right, Camellia … I really don‟t know
when I became infatuated with chewing gum and
camels. It just sort of happened.
Mr. Beauregarde: Violet, have you started
packing yet?
Violet: No, because I‟m not going to live in Saudi
Arabia. Why did you try to start a camel business
in the U.S.? Why can‟t I stay here? This is my life!
Mr. Beauregarde: You know why. Where will you
live? Who will take care of you? All of your family is
in Saudi Arabia.
Violet: No, Camellia is my family. How will
Camellia live in Saudi Arabia with all those
You know that she has delicate feet. Plus, my
camel racing career here will be OVER!! This is
SOOO unfair!!
Mr. Beauregarde: Violet, life is unfair.
Violet: But dad, I can try to live off of my camel
racing prize money. I‟ll get sponsors!
Mr. Beauregarde: Who would want to sponsor a
camel in the United States?
Violet: If mom were alive, she would let me…
Mr. Beauregarde: At least spit out that damn
chewing gum when you speak to me. It‟s rude!
Violet: Camellia, that reminds me.
Violet: I have this whole new DATE diet planned out
for us and we‟ll win for sure. Try these Wonka
Chocolate Covered Dates. They look mighty good!
Violet: Look Camellia. With this, we‟re here to
Michelle: Hmmm, alright so this must be …. Oh,
okay and then…
Robot Voice: Mother entering room in 5,4,3,2 …
Michelle: Ugh, what does she want now?
Mrs. Teavee: Michelle, didn‟t I tell you to clean up
your room? What are you up to now?
Michelle: Oh, you know, just saving the world as
we know it. Nothing new!
Michelle: Mom, I‟m trying to prove that those
stupid archaeologists misinterpreted the
hieroglyphics on the Rosetta Stone.
Michelle: If you look over here it‟s obvious that…
Never mind, you wouldn‟t even get it.
Mrs. Teavee: Don‟t bother trying to explain. I came
to tell you that you got a letter from Yale University.
This is a very prestigious school, you know.
Michelle: Mom, I‟m busy. Just put it over there
with the rest.
Mrs. Teavee: Honey, just open it and read it.
That‟s all I‟m asking.
Michelle: Mom, I will. Not now. I‟m a little busy
correcting history, AGAIN!
Michelle: Dear Ms. Michelle Teavee, we are pleased to
inform you that you have caught our school’s attention. Yale
does rank among the highest of universities nationwide.
Despite the fact that you are still in secondary school, we are
offering you a spot in our prestigious program, free of charge
to learn and do all of the research on any subject.
Michelle: Why would I go to that second rate
school? I already said no when Harvard offered
me a spot.
Michelle: Now that I‟m done with the Rosetta
Stone, I think it‟s time to work on figuring out the
biological secret to why chocolate is so addictive.
Michelle: What‟s this?
Michelle: Oh my goodness, I‟ve got the Golden
Ticket! This is my chance!
Mrs. Sultana: I don‟t know how well this will work.
You know how Veruca is.
Mr. Sultana: Well sometimes people have to make
sacrifices in the name of their family.
Mrs. Sultana: Oh, look, here she comes…
Mrs. Sultana: Veruca, darling, come sit with us
Veruca: Why? I want to go to the beach. You
force me to leave Morocco, the fashion capital of
the world, mind you, and come to this crummy city.
My time should not be wasted on petty chats with
the two of you.
Mr. Sultana: Well, that didn‟t go so well.
Mrs. Sultana: I guess we‟ll just have to wait until,
oh I don‟t know, you grow a backbone and act like
her father!!!
Fabio: Hello? Is anyone here? Mr. Sultana? Mrs.
Fabio: After everything I‟m doing for them, they
should be here kneeling down and kissing my feet.
Veruca Sultana? Anyone?
Veruca: Did someone say my name? Who are
Fabio: Are you kidding me? You don‟t know who I
am? You came all the way here from Morocco and
you don‟t know who I am?
Veruca: If you‟ll excuse me, I‟m off to the beach,
so I‟d appreciate it if you get out of my way.
Fabio: I‟m Fabio, your suitor.
Fabio: Your suitor. Your fiancé. Your soon to be
Veruca: What?!
Fabio: Trust me. If it were up to me, I wouldn‟t
even be here.
Veruca: You‟re my … my … my …
Fabio: I don‟t really want to, but my family agreed to
this arranged marriage to raise our social status. And
your family desperately needs our money.
Veruca: What? I am NOT poor!
Fabio: You have already bled your parents dry.
Veruca: I can‟t give up my lifestyle! How will I
survive without my manicurist, masseuse, stylist,
and personal chef?
Fabio: Well, you will still have that if you agree to
the marriage.
Veruca: A present already? What? Wonka
chocolate? How low class. Do you want me… do
you want your new wife to get fat?
Fabio: Listen, if you want me and my money, take
Veruca: The Golden Ticket … ?
Mom: How was school today Charlie?
Charlie: It was fine, mom, boring as always.
Grandpa Joe: Hey Charlie, any luck with the
golden ticket?
Charlie: No such luck, Grandpa Joe. You know
our family has no money to spare on chocolate
Mom: Let‟s just listen to the radio and maybe you
will feel better.
Radio: … and the fifth golden ticket has been
found. However, its authenticity has not been
verified …
Grandpa Joe: I‟m sorry, Charlie.
Charlie: It‟s okay Grandpa Joe, honest! I didn‟t
want the ticket that bad anyway. I better go to my
room now.
Grandpa Joe: Wait, Charlie! Here, I saved this
little bit of money for a special occasion…
Well, I think today counts as one, so why don‟t you
go buy me a chocolate bar, I could use some right
about now. And buy one for yourself also.
Charlie: Thanks, Grandpa Joe!
All: Bye, Charlie.
Store Owner: Hello, friendly people!
Charlie: Can I have two Gooey Chocolate Wonka
bars please?
Store Owner: Sure thing.
Store Owner: AHEM!
Woman: Take a look, take a look!
Man: Did you hear that the last ticket was a
Woman: So there is one more ticket left!?
Store Owner: Hello again!
Charlie: On second thought, can I have one more
candy bar for on the go?
Store Owner: Certainly!
Woman: Did you know that the last ticket was a
Store Owner: You mean there is one more ticket
left? I wonder who will win the last one…
Woman: Oh my goodness, that boy has the last
golden ticket! I‟ll give you anything for it! What do
you want? A cell phone? A Playstation?
Store Owner: Run, Charlie, run all the way home
and don‟t look back!
Grandpa Joe: Charlie, are you okay? Why are
you running in?
Charlie: Sorry, grandpa … BUT IT‟S THE
Grandpa Joe: Charlie, stop pulling my leg, the last
one was found.
Charlie: No grandpa. It was a fake! The last one is
here! In my hand!
Grandpa: Let me see that. WAHOOOO!
Mom: Let me take a look. Meet Wonka at the
Chocolate factory at 9 AM sharp … one lucky holder
will receive a lifetime supply of chocolate. Oh my!
Grandma: We could use the chocolate and open a
shop, and sell all of the chocolate and make
Grandpa: I can get new teeth!
Grandma: I can get new glasses!
Everyone: We‟re all going be rich!
Charlie: You may take one person to accompany
you. Grandpa Joe, I want you to come.
Grandpa Joe: I‟d be delighted Charlie, We‟ve got
the golden ticket!
Reporter: Well, this is it. The historic day on which
Wonka has promised to open his gates, and 5 lucky
children will enter for the first time ever …
All these people have gathered for that magical time
when the gates open and we get a chance to see the
master of all candies, Mr. Willy Wonka.
Mr. Beauregarde: Hello everyone, Sam
Beauregarde here. The next time you're in Miles
City, Montana, …
Mr. Beauregarde: … don't forget to visit
Beauregarde's Camel Mart for all the cheapest
prices on all your camel needs ….
Violet: Dad stop it, this is my chance to shine.
Veruca: I want to go in first before anybody else.
Mr. Sultana: Alright sweetheart.
Mrs. Gloop: There‟ll be plenty of that later.
Charlie: Grandpa Joe, I can‟t believe it. We‟re
actually about to go in.
Grandpa Joe: Not only that, we‟re going to see
one of the most magical places ever, with the best
tour guide for it possible, Mr. Willy Wonka himself!
Wonka: Thank you everyone. Now may the five
ticket holders please step forward?
Mr. Sultana: Alright, everyone step back. Veruca
goes in first.
Wonka: Welcome. I‟m glad to see your young faces,
and today is going to be extremely exciting. Before I go
into details, present your tickets and tell me your name.
Veruca: Hi, my name is Veruca Sultana.
Wonka: My dear Veruca, what a pleasure. And
Mr. Sultana, a pleasure to meet you, sir. Would
you just step over there for a minute?
Augustus: Augustus Gloop.
Wonka: Augustus, nice to see a boy in such fine
shape. And this must be the charming Mrs.
Gloop. Just over there, you two.
Violet: Violet Beauregarde.
Wonka: Darling child, welcome to the factory.
Violet: What kind of gum you got here? And do
you have anything for camels?
Wonka: My dear sir, what a genuine pleasure.
Wonka: Only the best kind of gum. Even the kind
made JUST for camels.
Mr. Beauregarde: Sam Beauregarde here, Mr.
Wonka: My good man it‟s a pleasure to meet you
Michelle: I'm Michelle Teavee.
Wonka: Well nice to meet…
Michelle: It was perfectly obvious that you were
faking an injury earlier …
… If you are going to fake a limp, I suggest that
you place more pressure on your tibia, as if you
injured your patella. Look here on my iPad.
Wonka: Wonderful to meet you and Mrs. Teavee, I
assume. You have such a creative little one. Please
step over there. And what‟s your name, little guy?
Charlie: Charlie Bucket.
Wonka: Ah Charlie, I heard all about you over the
papers. Congratulations on finding the ticket. And
who‟s this young man with you?
Charlie: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe.
Wonka: Now that we are all acquainted, are we
ready to enter the factory? Yes? Good! Then in
we go!
Mrs. Gloop: Oh my goodness! Is that what I think
it is in the river?!
Wonka: No, no, no. You must be mistaken. It's not
polluted, it's CHOCOLATE!
Grandpa Joe: A chocolate river?! That's the most
fascinating thing I've ever seen!
Wonka: Our method is one of a kind considering
we mix our chocolate by waterfall.
Charlie: Grandpa! Is it me or am I seeing multiple
Grandpa Joe: Don‟t be silly Charlie, of course
that‟s not her! Besides, she‟s probably busy filming
“Jersey Shore” which airs next Thursday!!
Charlie: Grandpa, you actually watch that show?
Grandpa Joe: Well, I stuck at home all day. Anyway.
Concerning these little, little people, I‟ve never seen
such a face. One of a kind, I can tell you that.
Mr. Sultana: Me too. They‟re rather funny looking.
Hmm, what are they doing there anyway?
Mrs. Gloop: They? Are you insane? It‟s impossible!
This can't be real.
Wonka: This is all legit, baby. They are Oompa
Wonka: Oh yes, they come straight from
Mrs. Teavee: Loompaland? There's no such
place. I should know; I am a geography teacher.
Wonka: Well if you know so much, you would know
the conditions of this terrible country. And so, I said,
"Come and live with me in peace and safety…
away from all the Wangdoodles and
Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten
Vermicious Knids."
Mr. Sultana: Vermicious Knids? What kind of
nonsense is that?
Wonka: Well, they're climbing up their windows,
snatching their people up, trying to eat them. So
they had to hide their kids, hide their wives, …
and hide their husbands because they're eating
everybody out there. And so I moved the entire
population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
Augustus: Oh yum! This chocolate is so delicious,
I could eat this all day!
Charlie: Grandpa, look at Augustus.
Grandpa Joe: Don‟t worry, the boy won‟t finish. I
mean, he may have room in that beach ball of a
stomach, but consuming THAT much chocolate
Wonka: Um, Augustus, please don‟t do that! This
chocolate should never be touched my human
Mrs. Gloop: Leave Augustus alone! He‟s just a
human being!
Wonka: Oh gosh, please get out! You‟re
contaminating the whole river!
Wonka: My chocolate! My precious chocolate! My
Augustus: Help me! Please! I can‟t swim!!
Veruca: With a body like that, the kid shouldn‟t
worry about drowning, I can tell you that.
Michelle: You‟re absolutely right. On my iPad here, I
can show you the model of his body and how its fat
to muscle proportion would decrease…
his overall density, allowing him to easily float in
something as dense as liquid chocolate.
Mrs. Gloop: Why are you just standing there?! Do
Wonka: Help. Operator. Burglary.
Grandpa Joe: Charlie, take this!
Charlie: Hey, fat boy! Grab onto this lollipop!
Mr. Sultana: Is it just me or is he drowning?
Veruca: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Mrs. Gloop: What are you doing just standing
there? Save him!
Wonka: Oh it‟s just too late… oh well. Let‟s
proceed into the next attraction, shall we?
Mrs. Gloop: Too late? What do you mean it‟s too
Wonka: Well, there‟s no way turning back. The
current‟s got him now.
Mrs. Gloop: The current?! What current? He can‟t
even swim!
Veruca: I guess he chose eating contests over
Wonka: Well there‟s no better time to learn. It‟s
either now or never.
Augustus: Help! Hellllp! HELLLP!
Grandpa Joe: His big buttocks are blocking all the
chocolate. How will he get out?
Mr. Sultana: Look! He‟s trying to float on the chocolate.
C‟mon, boy! Suck in your stomach! Suck it in!
Mrs. Gloop: Yes, darling, reach out your hand to
me and try to grab it!
Mrs. Gloop: He‟s gone! He‟ll be floating into an
ocean within seconds! Oh my poor baby…
Wonka: Calm down, woman! He‟s not ending up in
the ocean!
Mrs. Gloop: Then where is he going to end up?
Wonka: That chute leads to the fudge room, which
is within the factory, so he‟s going nowhere.
Wonka: Take Mrs. Gloop down into the fudge
room. That‟s where his son is. But look sharp! Or
her son is bound to get boiled up.
Mrs. Gloop: I bet you boiled him up already!
Wonka: No worries dear lady. He‟ll be back in no
time. Just calm yourself down! Goodbye, Mrs.
Willy Wonka: And this would be the bubble gum
Violet: Sugary bubble gum? That‟s crossed off my
diet list since I‟m training for one of the biggest
camel races.
Willy Wonka: I don‟t understand how bubble gum
is associated with camel racing, little girl.
Violet: Of course not. I have to train and keep my
camel in shape. I‟m the top camel racer with
Camellia, my camel. Too much sugar is not good …
… I would know as I‟ve been doing this practically
my whole life. I have a showcase of trophies,
medals, certificates, and plenty of sponsorships.
Willy Wonka: Moving on. Children, does anyone
know how bubble gum is made?
Violet: What difference does it make? Sugary bubble
gum is bad for your health and teeth, which is why I‟m
staying away. Sugar-free gum is where it‟s at.
Michelle: Well, bubble gum is traditionally made of
chicle, a natural latex product, or synthetic rubber
known as polyisobutylene.
Willy Wonka: That is how normal gum is made. But
not Wonka gum. To tell you the truth, the ingredients
for our gum have to be extremely precise….
… One false ingredient and it could explode right
when it enters your little mouths.
Veruca: Isn‟t that a little dramatic?
Charlie: Is that why our parents tell us not to
swallow gum?
Wonka: Exactly, because if you did it would
remain inside of you for the next 8 years.
Veruca: Are you serious? That sounds
Wonka: Yes, where do you think all of those myths
Michelle: By a crazy person …
Mrs. Teavee: Michelle.
Wonka: One of our newest creations is Extra Pep
gum. It‟s actually infused with adrenaline.
Everyone: EWWWW
Violet: Actually, maybe it will be perfect to give to
Camellia for extra energy in a race.
Wonka: Don‟t say anything until you try it. Would
anyone want to give it a try?
Wonka: Well, it was worth a shot....but don‟t worry.
We‟ve actually infused the adrenaline gum with
regular flavors like strawberry, mint and cherry.
Violet: Oh, strawberry. That‟s my favorite flavor.
Veruca: I thought you couldn‟t chew sugary gum.
Violet: What? I can‟t even look at it?
Wonka: We have millions of original flavors to mix
with the Extra Pep gum … like the coconut noodle
gum, inspired by Burmese cuisine …
It sounds weird, but it‟s actually delicious. Our most
experimental flavor is blueberry ice cream. It‟s SO
realistic, that you get brain freeze if you chew too fast!
Wonka: Come! Let me show you.
Wonka: Now it still needs to be tested more so
you can‟t try it yet. But take a look at it.
Charlie: It looks just like regular gum.
Grandpa Joe: Be careful, Charlie. Listen to Mr.
Wonka: Sometimes you can get the most
unexpected of results.
Violet: If I‟m going to give a piece to Camellia, I
should try it myself first, just to see if it works. It
can‟t hurt to just try one.
Wonka: Please stop. Don‟t.
Michelle: That was very brave of you. What does
it taste like?
Violet: It tastes incredible. Just like blueberry ice
cream! It‟s deliciously cold, just like you‟re eating
ice cream.
Veruca: Of course it does, you idiot. It‟s blueberry
ice cream flavor. Was the air in your big head
blocking your eardrums?
Violet: Is it getting chilly in here?
Wonka: Oh no.
Mr. Beauregarde: What‟s happening? She‟s
shivering. Violet, you‟re turning blue!
Wonka: The adrenaline is making her chew extra
fast, which is making the gum extra cold.
Violet: What do you mean? Look at how big I can
blow a bubble!
Violet: Uh oh. Uhh ….
Charlie: What‟s wrong?
Violet: I think it‟s stuck.
Mr. Beauregarde: Hey, help my daughter! Do
Violet: Ow! Stop that! It‟s stuck to my tongue!
Wonka: Can we get some help in here, please?
Willy Wonka: Take Miss Violet to the Mexican
Chocolate Room. The spicy chili peppers mixed
into the chocolate should thaw her out.
Mr. Beauregarde: Stay calm, dear! We‟ll get you
unstuck soon enough!
Charlie: Grandpa, I can‟t believe that another kid
has disappeared. There are only three of us left
Grandpa Joe: Well, she should have listened to all
the warnings.
Charlie: I hope they‟re okay.
Grandpa Joe: You shouldn‟t worry about them.
Take care of yourself. This is a competition,
Wonka: Come in, come in!
Wonka: Welcome to the Juan Valdez room.
Michelle: Who‟s Juan Valdez?
Wonka: Juan Valdez produces Colombian coffee
and has a donkey named Enrique.
Michelle: Ah, you mean the FICTIONAL character
Juan Valdez, who usually appears in the National
Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia…
… who has been portrayed by a number of
characters since 1969. See, here‟s the Wikipedia
entry about him right here.
Wonka: No, that‟s the REAL Juan Valdez and his
donkey. He‟s been hiding here ever since the
government secretly chased him …
… out for selling national coffee secrets. They
covered it up by pretending that he‟s a fictional
Veruca: And what‟s he doing here?
Wonka: Well, he‟s obviously producing the best
coffee candy in the world. These one-of-a-kind hybrid
coffee candy beans fall from this specially …
… developed tree and Juan Valdez checks every
coffee bean. And if it‟s good he places it on top of
the pile, but if it‟s bad he throws it into that hole.
Wonka: Come take a look.
Veruca: Ah! I have to get some of those special
beans for Fabio. That should make him happy….
… And I‟ll have access to all of his family‟s
money! Plus, that donkey is SO adorable! I have
to have them both! Dad, come over here!
Mr. Sultana: What is it, dear?
Veruca: We have to get some of those hybrid
coffee beans. Plus, I want to buy that donkey! Go
get them for me now!
Wonka: I‟m sorry, lovely Veruca, but these are
definitely NOT for sale. Especially the donkey!
Juan Valdez: Is this girl crazy or what? She wants
my donkey? No, no, no!
Veruca: Daddy! I want that tree and donkey! Get
me one!! If you don‟t, I‟ll throw a tantrum right here!
Mr. Sultana: No princess, I don‟t think that Mr.
Wonka or Mr. Valdez would like that you take
Veruca: I don‟t care!
Wonka: Oompa Lompas come here and help me
distract them with the dance.
Veruca: The donkey is mine!
Veruca: Nooooooooo……..
Mr. Sultana: What happened?
Juan Valdez: There goes a spoiled bean.
Mr. Sultana: Wait. Willy, what happened to my
daughter? Where did she go?!
Wonka: Well … normally the bad coffee beans fall
into a grinder and turned into fertilizer. But I think
that it wasn‟t working today, … I think.
Mr. Sultana: No, what do you mean “you think!”
What irresponsibility!
Mr. Sultana: Verucaaaaaaa…
Wonka: For the rest of you, here is a sample of
our fantastic coffee candy… and now lets go to the
next room.
Wonka: Come in, come in!
Michelle: Wow. What is up with all of the high tech
equipment in this room? Even I‟ve never seen
some of this stuff before!
Michelle: This … looks like an iPod. Don‟t tell me
that that is an iPod?!
Wonka: This is the tech room. For this project, we‟ve
partnered with Apple to construct a Wonka Chocolate
iPod. These iPods are edible while playing music.
Michelle: What? That‟s impossible! How can you
make chocolate iPods? How can it have flash
memory, digital features, and a click wheel?
Wonka: It‟s a patented secret. All I can tell you is that
it has several layers of nano-particle chocolate. So
you can eat and enjoy music with one device!
Charlie: That sounds wonderful!
Grandpa Joe: Psst. Charlie, what‟s an iPod?
Michelle: Ew! I would never eat an iPod made of
chocolate. How would all of that circuitry even
Wonka: But that‟s not even the real secret of the
Charlie: What do you mean? It seems like it‟s a
perfect combination!
Wonka: Well, our critics always complain that our
Chocolate Factory has been a key reason behind
the obesity epidemic in children today.
Michelle: I was just starting research on that
Wonka: So … we‟ve created an iPod that forces
children to exercise!
Charlie: What? How?
Wonka: Through the power of subliminal
Michelle: What? But research has shown that
most of it is only a placebo effect. There‟s no such
Wonka: Well, we combined the senses of taste
and hearing to instruct the iPod users to dance to
the music…
… so people will burn calories while sucking on the
chocolate iPod and listening to music.
Michelle: That is ridiculous! But whether or not it‟s
true, I still HAVE to be the first person to get one…
… All my Twitter followers would be so jealous of
me. In fact, I think I‟m going to Tweet about this
right now!
Wonka: My dear! These are extremely sensitive
secrets that can‟t be leaked yet! Plus, we‟re still in
the middle of testing for any dangerous side effects.
Charlie: Did we have to go in this room?
Michelle: This iPod is going to revolutionize the
exercise industry! In fact, it would make my
research about the addictive effects of sugar…
obsolete. No one would even care anymore since
this could solve the obesity epidemic.
Charlie: It‟s too bad Augustus Gloop wasn‟t here
to try this out!
Grandpa Joe: I can‟t stand her talking anymore!
She‟s just rambling on and on now about stuff I
don‟t even understand.
Mrs. Teavee: Imagine my position. I had to put up
with her techno-babble for 12 years. She started
talking almost as soon as she was born!
Wonka: Well, we can move on now to the next
room then.
Grandpa: Maybe if we just ignore her, she will
finally stop talking.
Michelle: If only I could get my hands on one just
to see how it works.
Michelle: I have to figure out how this works!
Michelle: My body … it‟s dancing on its own now!
Wonka: Uh oh! I told you that it was
untested. Oompa Loompas, here we go again!
Wonka: Get out! get out!
Michelle: The chocolate iPod worked so much better
than I expected! But … if I enjoyed just listening to the
music, how good is the music WITH the chocolate?
Wonka: My dear! You already have us all
exhausted now. And as I said before, this isn‟t
100% safe to try it out yet.
Michelle: What‟s the worst that can happen?
Michelle: The chocolate iPod is delicious! But oh
my god! I can‟t stop dancing!
Mrs. Teavee: Somebody help her!
Wonka: Oh dear. I thought that this might
happen. The combination of taste and auditory
subliminal messages have permanently stuck her …
brain into dance mode! Quickly, bring her to the
Nyquil Candy room! We‟ll try to put her to sleep.
Grandpa Joe: I can‟t imagine what horrible room
we‟re coming into next!
Charlie: Look, grandpa. What‟s this? Wonka …
vision … glasses?
Grandpa Joe: Be careful, Charlie!
Charlie: I don‟t feel any different. Wait …
Charlie: These chocolate commercials seem so …
Grandpa Joe: What the …?
Charlie: I don‟t know how, but I got food out of the
Grandpa Joe: That‟s amazing! But … put it back
before something bad happens to you!
Charlie: I need to keep one of these to give to
mom. She will never have to worry about the
family going hungry again …
I don‟t think Mr. Wonka would mind if I take one
since he has so many.
Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka … Mr. Wonka …?
Wonka: So much to do, so much to do, Twitter,
Facebook and bills … and I must answer that note
from the queen.
Charlie: Mr. Wonka, what's going to happen to the
other kids: Augustus, Veruca, Michelle?
Wonka: Little boy, don‟t worry about it. They‟ll
eventually return to their lives as those naughty,
annoying kids …
… Who knows, maybe you will all actually learn
something from this experience.
Grandpa Joe: Um, so what do we do now, Mr.
Wonka: Oh, oh yes. Sorry about that. Straight up the
stairs, make a right, turn a left. Walk straight and turn
left again. That takes you outside. Now … goodbye.
Charlie: What the heck just happened?
Grandpa Joe: I don't know, Charlie. But I'm about
to go find out.
Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?
Wonka: I‟m busy. Please go away.
Grandpa Joe: I just wanted to know … when does
Charlie get the lifetime supply of chocolate?
Wonka: He doesn't.
Grandpa Joe: Excuse me? Why not?
Wonka: Because he broke the rules.
Grandpa Joe: What rules? He didn‟t break any
rules, right Charlie? Tell him!
Charlie: Well, I didn‟t mean to …
Wonka: Wrong, mister! You are WRONG! You‟re
a liar! A fraud! Under Section 48W of the Golden
Ticket, it states quite clearly that all offers …
… will become void if any intellectual property is
removed from the Chocolate Factory. It's all there,
black and white, clear as crystal…
You stole Wonkavision glasses. So you get
nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
Grandpa Joe: What?! How could you even dream
of killing a little boy‟s dreams? You‟re a monster.
No, no you‟re…
you„re Kanye West!
Wonka: I said, “Good Day!” Leave! Get out!
Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of
here. We don‟t have to listen to these
Charlie: No, Grandpa Joe, he‟s right.
Charlie: I thought I could help Mom find a way to
feed the whole family easily. I‟m sorry, Mr. Wonka.
I had no right to it.
Oompa Loompa: Help! Help me! I‟m stuck!
Oompa Loompa: Thank you, Thank you.
Charlie: Are you okay?
Oompa Loompa: I am now. Let me thank you. I
know that you had wanted a pair of Wonkavision
glasses. Here, I‟ll sneak you a pair.
Charlie: No, it‟s not right. I already gave back the
other pair because I‟m not supposed to have it. But
thank you.
Wonka: Charlie my boy . . . you won! You did it!
You did it! I knew you would. I just knew you
would. Oh, Charlie, you won! You did it!
Wonka: I said, “YOU WON.” Ahem!
Wonka: Shoo!
Wonka: I had to test you, Charlie. And you
passed the test. You won! You are nothing like …
those other children, because you actually care
more for others than yourself. So now you‟ve won!
Grandpa Joe: Wait, won what?
Wonka: The jackpot, you idiot, the glorious jackpot.
Charlie: The lifetime supply of chocolate?
Wonka: The chocolate, yes, the chocolate, but
that's not all. The whole Chocolate Factory is
yours now!
Charlie: What? Really?
Wonka: Come on already. You walk slower than
my Great Aunt Shirley. This way please. We'll take
the Wonkavator. …
Step in, Charlie. Grandpa Joe, sir. This is the
Great Glass Wonkavator.
Grandpa Joe: It's an elevator.
Wonka: No, It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can
only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go
sideways and slantways, longways and backways.
Charlie: And frontways?
Wonka: And any other ways that you can think of. It
can take you to any room in the factory.
Just press a button and ZING!   Go ahead, Charlie
press the button.
Charlie: Me?
Wonka: Yes, you dummy, press it.
Wonka: There it goes. Hold on tight. I'm not
exactly sure what's going to happen. Here we go!
Dumb and Dumber

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