By
Kevin Mallory, LPC
2008
Loss of property
Lost or misplaced
Stolen
Catastrophic loss (e.g. fire, flood)
Loss of a friend
Loss of a pet
Loss of a distant relative
Loss of a close relative
Emotional significance of the item lost
Traumatic vs. non-traumatic nature of the loss
Amount of time involved in experiencing the
loss (abrupt vs. drawn-out)
Developmental level of the child
Reactions of other significant people
• Abrupt: Death or destruction of something or
someone valued is severe, but final.
• Delayed: Some losses are final, but are not
obviously so until after a long wait, such as when a
pet runs away and is never found.
• Gradual: Some losses occur gradually, as in the
death of a relative after a long illness. This may
result in “anticipatory grief.”
• Re-occurring: Some losses occur repeatedly, such
as after visits with a non-custodial parent. Each
separation brings renewed loss and resulting grief.
Ego-centric, magical thinking; does not
understand cause-and effect.
Does not distinguish between thoughts and
actions
Does not understand the irreversibility of death
Does not understand that the dead body
cannot experience things
• Begin to understand the reality of death, but
have difficulty applying it to themselves.
• Death is something that will happen sometime
in the future, not the present.
• Death is something that happens to people
who cannot avoid it (the weak, sick, elderly).
Avoiding it is viewed in concrete terms
(running away, fighting it off, etc.)
• Not quite finalized; assumes external forms
(e.g. ghosts, skeletons).
Understand the finality of death.
Think of where the dead are in concrete terms
(heaven, hell, etc. are specific, physical places)
Continue to think of death as happening to
others, or in the future, not to themselves.
Able to think about death in abstract terms.
Able to consider spiritual, moral, social, aspects
in abstract ways.
Begin to recognize and work on coming to
terms with the reality of their own death.
• Bereavement: experiencing stress due to a loss
– Had a relationship to what was lost
– Had that relationship terminated
– Is a survivor deprived by that loss
• Grief: “The sequence of subjective states that
follow loss and accompany mourning” (Bowlby,
1960, p. 11). A process, not an event.
• Mourning: disengagement from attachment to the
person or object lost. It requires that the survivor
comprehends the “significance, seriousness,
permanence, and irreversibility of the loss”
(Krueger, 1983, p. 590).
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Fear – about the future, unknowns; they reflect
dependency and insecurity
Guilt – from a sense of responsibility or failed
responsibility
Helplessness – from inability to change painful
experiences, to prevent loss
Resentment – from seeing others, often including
God, as responsible for the loss
Loneliness – from a sense of abandonment
Doubt – Asks “Why?”, question the fairness,
lovingness, or meaning of the situation
Relief – An end to a painful situation, such as
abuse, or a lengthy illness
Younger children may not be able to appreciate
the finality of a loss.
There is debate about how important an on-
going attachment may be to future
development.
Webb (2002) argues that an ongoing
attachment relationship after the loss of a
person “can help the child withstand and
overcome many stresses” (pp. 10-11)
Denial, anger, guilt, sadness, and longing are felt
by young and old alike.
Children have limited ability to identify and
verbalize their feelings. Children often express
their feelings through actions rather than words.
Children also have limited ability to tolerate
unpleasant feelings, and so may avoid them at
times.
Children fear being different from their peers.
They may fear displaying sad, or “weak” feelings
in front of peers.
What is “normal” often varies widely by
culture.
Cultures differ in public vs. private expressions
of grief, and in what is considered acceptable
or unacceptable in each.
Religious beliefs often dictate expectations
about judgment and the afterlife.
It is important to find out what the child and
the child’s family believes about death and
grieving.
Many adults are reluctant to let children attend
funerals, fearing that it will be harmful.
Many children want to participate in the
funerals.
Children can relate well to rituals. When they
are prepared for what to expect ahead of time,
then often can handle them appropriately.
Children prefer to remember the deceased as
they were when they were alive, rather than as
they were when they were dead.
Intense feelings of sadness, anger, and other
symptoms suggestive of depression are normal
experiences of grief.
The duration and intensity of normal grief
depends on many factors, particularly the
strength of the attachment and how
unexpected or traumatic the loss was.
Grief becomes “complicated” when it becomes
“disabling” or excessively interferes with the
normal functioning of the individual.
May be unusually delayed (avoided) or unusually intense
May persist for an unusually long time, but this is subjective
May appear to dominate the child’s life, and interfere with
normal developmental tasks
May include “red flags”:
Suicidal thoughts or actions
Physical problems
Nightmares or sleep disturbance
Difficulties with schoolwork
Changes in eating patterns
Regressions in usual behavior
Age and developmental level
Temperament/personality
Previous coping/adjustment
Medical history
Previous experience with death/loss
Type of loss
Anticipated/sudden
Timeliness, preventability
Degree of pain, trauma
Presence of stigma
Contact with the deceased
Present at the death/loss
Viewed the body
Attended ceremonies, visited grave
Relationship to the deceased, meaning of loss
Grief reactions of the nuclear and extended
family
Recognition of the bereavement by school,
church, or other social institutions
Response by peers
Religious and cultural affiliations and beliefs
Death-related factors + Family factors +
Individual factors = Unique grief response
Situations range in severity from
“best possible scenario” (often timely, anticipated,
and of natural causes) with mild and short-lived
responses to
“worst possible scenario” (often untimely, sudden,
and violent) that radically changes the child’s life
and produces a severe and long-lasting grief
response.
The response needs to be tailored to the
situation.
Support from adults
Sense of security, stability
Acceptance of their grief response
Answers to questions
Adults are often uncomfortable talking about
death with children
Adults may try to protect children from the
reality of death
Adults may be absorbed in their own grief
Children may not express their own feelings
openly, giving the impression that they are
“fine.”
Children may not like their peers to talk about
it, because they don’t want to be different, and
the peers often don’t know what to say.
Must move at the child’s pace
Must accept the variability in the child’s
moods, and the child’s resistance to talk about
the loss
Must let the child know that their thoughts and
feelings are acceptable, regardless of what they
may be.
Should not emphasize saying goodbye, or
letting go, unless the child is ready to do that.
Family
Helps the whole family
The child may get lost in the family process
Group
Normalizes the experience and process
Child may be overwhelmed or lost in the group
Individual
Receives one-on-one attention
May feel stigmatized or overwhelmed by being
singled out
Play: Children often act out their ideas and
feelings through their play, and become more
comfortable with them in the process
Art: Expressing thoughts and feelings through
art (drawing, painting, music) allows
expression without words
Reading/videos: Learning about grief and loss,
and about others’ experiences helps normalize
the process and provides concepts and
language the child may lack.
Things of this world are temporary. What is
permanent comes after this life.
Things/people in this world are important, and
grieving their loss is natural.
Jesus grieved, showing us that God grieves
loss, and he can understand our grief.
Acknowledge and normalize their grief
Support and encourage them without taking away
their right to grieve
Give them various ways to express their grief, and
allow them to not do so when they need to
Teach them words/concepts to use, and listen to them
when they use them.
Encourage them to identify pleasant memories of
what/who was lost, and to focus on them
Remind them that this life is temporary, but that
heaven is permanent
Remind them that God understands grief