Excuse My French
JJ
Jen e understand pas. (Beat) What? I can’t understand you.
(Beat) Okay. Jen e…comprends pas. I don’t understand.
(Beat) Nope, still don’t get it. (Beat) Nope. Do you think…
maybe you could speak in English? Just for a second? (Beat.)
Je still don’t comprends pas. I cannot understand anything you
are saying. (Beat) I know this is French class. Thank you for
saying that in English, by the way. (Beat.) I know you speak
French in French class but what you need to know is that I am
a transfer student who can’t speak French. So even though this
is a beginning French class, everyone else has been in this class
for two months already and I really can’t understand you.
I’m not bluffing. You’ll have to say it in English. (Beat.) Oh,
they told me I had to take a foreign language class. (Beat.) I
had French class in my old school; they just spoke in English
mostly and we repeated after the teacher. Like the teacher would
say, “Bonjour!” And we’d say, “Bonjour!” Like that.
What else do I know? Voila! Uh, monsieur, madame, escargot,
Gerard Depardieu – I think that’s it.