A funny thing happened on the way to the 2nd tee yesterday. It was a
beautiful sunny Sunday, and my compatriots and I were sharing a foursome
of Partagas #10's, on our way down the course, and my phone chimed a web
alert: My horoscope was in. It's generally poor etiquette to pull out the
cell phone on the links, but what the hell, right? Then it hit me.
Astrology recognizes 9 planets. And the course has 9 holes. Hmm.
Profound? Cosmic? Surely there's no such thing as coincidence.
Or maybe I'm just bipolar. In any event, while my buddies were
blah-blah-ing about divorce war stories and sharing battle scars, I
formulated the prime strategy of astrological golf. (If this works, I'm
getting my own show on ESPN. Fingers crossed.) Hole 1: The Sun
Life, like golf, starts with self-awareness. The Sun is the spirit that
enlightens. And I pretty much know by the end of the first hole how my
day's going to go... or not. Hole 2: The Moon Once you have
awareness, you want to be aware of something. Being aware only of
yourself, while quite "zen" and chic, is also pretty boring. We want
experience! As the Sun is the light, the Moon is the reflector. What you
learned on the first hole is beamed, reflected and broadcast down the
fairway. (For better or worse, so consider the "experience" of quitting
while you're behind.) Hole 3: Mercury The god of communication,
Hermes to the Greeks, Mercury to the Romans, represents the moment when
the cigar hits its sweet spot, and the words begin to flow--many of them
comprised of four letters. But Mercury also creates the roads, around the
dog leg to Hole 4. Press on. And if you have little fairy wings on your
Nike's, all the better. Hole 4: Venus The goddess of love
hovers over the fourth hole. And if you've had the pleasure of playing
Cypress Point, you know this to be true. "As below, so above," say the
astrologers. And the pleasant consummation of love, on or off the course,
is what Venus--and tee 4--are all about. Hole 5: Mars If Venus
lives at Cypress Point, Pine Valley is the realm of Mars. The bad boy.
The god of war, aggression and sex. Mars was porn before porn was cool.
Halfway home, and time to get rowdy. Mars is smiling his horny little
smirk. Hole 6: Jupiter Jovial Jupiter (two forms of the same
Latin word, by the way) says, "You guys have turned this playground into
a battlefield. Can't we all just get along?" No. This is serious golf.
Grow up, you pansy (I mean Jupiter, King of the Gods). On to the 7th tee,
none to soon. Hole 7: Saturn The Grandpa of the gods, old
Chronos himself. Like Archie Bunker, crotchety Saturn seems always to
ask, "Why? Why? Why?" Much like me by the seventh hole. Cigar is gone.
19th hole couldn't come faster. And my score tanked three holes ago.
Hole 8: Uranus The Awakener, "Ouranos" means "sky" in Greek, and
that's where Uranus rules. Also a bit of the rebel--actually, a lot of
the rebel--Uranus says, "Two to go. Get it and get out, while you've
still got your balls in your bag." (Uranus is also pun-master of the
gods, apparently.) Hole 9: Neptune The Lord of Dreams. Neptune
uses his watery vision--though, hopefully you're not crying at this
point--to dream of the Best Day of Golf in Your Pathetic Life. Score?
What score? Oh, that score! Sure, it was awesome. (Trust me.) Can't wait
to play the back nine. And that, in short, is the cosmic
correspondence you probably suspected, but never were able to put your
finger on. As below, so above. As in the sky, so on the links. Next
time: Fortune Cookies and the key to a birdie every hole. Tyler Ryne
writes about the hottest news and stories about golf on his blog, Golf
Buzz Blog. He's also a team member at the Golf Bag Center, where you can
find the best golf bags for sale at unbeatable prices. Related Articles
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