This is my story...........
let me introduce my self. I’m emma and i have 3 children, a 5 and 4 (well
nearly) yr old and a 3 month old. An i have suffered pnd with all 3. I will start at
the beginning.
When i found out i was pregnant with my 1st i was shocked. I was careful i had
no intentions of becoming a mother but after 5 tests i decided that it must be
true. I told my partner (now my husband) and all he could say was " Im going to
be a daddy" He was delighted and i thought to myself that there were alot of
worse things that could happen to me. I had a straight forward pregnancy near
the end i carried lots and lots of fluid i lost my ankles i had tree truncks for
legs. I eventually got induced which i was glad of i was huge!!!! My labour
started on the drip then they had to stop the drip as it was making my
contractions so bad, Although i was never dilating. I went for an emergency c
section. Hoping this would be quick as i had an epidural anyway. I was wrong,
my epidural worked everywhere but the area they were cutting, panick soon set
in as they were talking about putting me to sleep, i was nearly off the operating
table and going home. They then decided to give me spinal. Eventually Aidan
was born with alot of pushing from the top of my stomach weighin a very
healthy 10lb 4 oz!!!!!
My husband was delighted and i was so tired. No instant feelings of love just a
feeling of relif that it was over. I was wheeled into the recovery area and my
husbands family was sneaked into see him. i was so tired and totally in a daze.
They all left and i was taken to the ward. they put Aidan in his cot at the
bottom of my bed, eventually he woke up screaming, i couldnt get to him,
panick again no buzzer was in reach noone in the room with me i was totally
alone and unable to get to him. Eventually someone came in and gave me into
trouble for not seeing to him and not pushing the buzzer. He was given to me
and i was left trying to breast feed a huge hungery baby and i was so tired and
sore. I cried and cried. The next few days are a blurr. i eventually went home.
Aidan had such bad colic and i was glad my mum stayed the next month or so
were hard. We sold our flat and moved in with the inlaws. I was glad to have a
hand as my husband worked away in the navy. Soon i was feelin strange, i
didnt want to hold him, comfort him or feed him. I started to isolate myself from
my friends and i think i was pretty rough on my husband. I hate Aidan and my
husband. i didnt want him he destroyed my life i didnt have a life!!! I returned
to work hoping that would help, i ended up getting signed off for about 5 mths.
I then comfided to my Doctor how i was feeling, i was put on antidepressants
and they eventually worked. During this time i think i must have been a
nightmare although i cant really remember what i was like.. The feelings slowly
subsided i no longer felt like i wanted to run away from anything and the good
days out numbered the bad. I slowly came off the anti depressants and then fell
pregenant with my 2nd another shock!!! was using protection and everything
but never mind i thought.
Normal pregancy with my daughter planned c section due to my sons size.
Everything went well i bonded well with her unlike my son and i hoped that this
time i would not get it. I did feel down and i knew what to look outfor.
Although one night i was all alone with my kids they were sleeping and i went to
the kitchen found the paracetamol and placed them all on the counter. I got a
glass of water and then my son woke, he will never know but he saved my life i
cried at what i had done (i have never told anyone that i actually got the pills
out,) i phoned my husband and demanded him home a fight then started to get
him home family services (family help for navy personnel) were contacted very
very unhelpfull but he eventually went home. I decided to go to the doc and get
help again. I was offered antidepressants but chose not to as they gave me bad
headaches and although i had no intentions of going out i couldnt go out as you
couldnt drink on them. Councelling was offered so i tried that, this i have to say
was rubbish, they talked about my past and not about how i was feeling so i
stopped and went alone. I dont think i have ever really got over pnd from my
other 2 kids. And i have to say my husband was brill both times.
I decided that i actually wanted to plan one of my pregancies. So after 1 half
years of trying and with some help i found out i was pregenat with my 3rd 5
days before my husband left for a 7-8 month deployment. I was delighted, i now
understood how people felt when they had been trying. It was hard i was
left wtih 2 kids going to work and trying to juggle everything and trying to stay
calm about my husband being away and being able to do as he wished. I had my
first panick attack it caught me by suprise, i cried and cried i felt so alone and
isolated but me being me i just got on with it. Another panick attack and i went
to see the doctor. I felt fobbed off i was made to feel like i was making it up. I
lived in another area from when i had my other children and i was 40 mins away
from any family or friends. I then started to think that maybe he was right and
it was just that i coping well giving the fact my husband was away and i
was doing it alone. I pushed the thoughts and feelings to one side and just got
on with it. Although i knew they were there taunting me. My husband
returened and i was excited but so scared had we both changed but all was
well. Then Kaitlin was born. Again all was well i bonded well. but i had those
feelings where i just didnt want to be alone with any of my kids, although i knew
i would never do anything i coundnt stop the feelings. Im still trying hard, but i
fear everything. I dont know if my husband can cope 3rd time round. I pick
fights for nothing, i resent him for leaving me alone. I know its not his fault but
i cant help it. I shout at my other two kids at a drop of a hat. I look at myself in
the mirror and i wonder where the old emma is. Is she still there? Has she left
will i find her again. I just want to be happy. I really think ive never got over
PND at all. I know what i have to do im going tomorrow to see the doc.
She knows how i feel, ive told her. She is very nice and understanding. I want
these dark clouds away and for the sunshine to be back. I know it will happen
but might take a while.
If anyone reads this i hope they find it helpful and my advise to anyone is tell
someone anyone because the first step is to admitt there is something wrong.
I will update this story another day!!!
XXXX