My Story
I am writing my story because it took me a long time to believe I had PND. I know now that PND
comes in many different guises and I hope my story strikes a note for someone else.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I did become tearful, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, I knew
my hormones would be going through some changes and I had the unknown territory of the labour yet
to face.
I went through the common ‘baby blues’ after my daughter was born, but I didn’t feel ‘blue’ so much
as tearful. In fact happy thoughts seemed to make me cry! It did linger on a bit, but I was tired (the
labour had left me drained and ‘wobbly’ for about 3 weeks after) and I had expected the first few
months to be tough anyway.
Then when my daughter was 3 months old, my mother-in-law came to stay. My baby was still waking
in the night for a feed or two, but sometimes slept through. My mother-in-law has a habit of coming to
bed at 3 am, and the light interfered with me getting back to sleep. Then through the week, I had a
night when I didn’t sleep at all. (this had happened when she had visited a couple of months before, but
I had put it down to food poisoning because I had diarrhoea). I felt tired and weepy, but I assumed I
would sleep the following night anyway.
But I didn’t. I spent a second night awake. I had had two days awake, and I was beginning to feel really
bad. I made emergency appointment with a doctor, who gave me some sleeping tablets. These left me
hung-over, but at least I slept. The next night I slept fine without medication and thought this phase had
passed. My mother-in-law had gone home, and the house was quiet once again at night. But the
insomnia came back the very next night. I went to see my own GP and he discussed the possibility of
PND and going onto antidepressants. Problem was, although I felt tearful, and sometimes felt low, I
really couldn’t describe my mood as depressed.
I was going away on holiday though, and was afraid of my mood deteriorating while I was away, since
I felt so vulnerable. We agreed that he would prescribe me antidepressants, and I would use the
prescription if things got worse.
That fortnight was the hardest time. My husband got irritated whenever I tried to discuss how I felt. He
accused me of ‘always being ill’ because I had been exhausted and tearful over the past 3 months. But
then he hadn’t been up day and night with a very hungry baby, which slept little during the day, as well
as trying to keep on top of the house work, and generally come to terms with learning how to take care
of this tiny creature.
Then I struck on the idea of calling my low moods Fred, since they seemed to ‘switch’ on and off so
decisively, almost as though someone had showed up. This seemed to help me communicate how I was
feeling to my husband without him blocking me out. I would say Fred’s turned up again, or Fred’s
lurking in the background if I could just feel it threatening. I would sometimes say ‘what are you going
to do to him?’ and I’d reply ‘ Bop him on the nose’. I know that sounds barmy, but at least he was
acknowledging how I felt, and it did feel as though we were both fighting this thing.
I almost took the antidepressants that week I was on holiday. I used to get this dreadful feeling of – it’s
hard to describe – the closest feeling would be grief mixed with wrenching loneliness, even though
people were with me all the time. It would come on about 9 PM, and even my husband would notice
something was going on. This 9 PM feeling stayed with me a long time, but it slowly got less severe as
time went on. Very occasionally, I still get it.
Over time I noticed that the insomnia, tearfulnes and low mood would come for a few days, then seem
to get better for about a week or so, and then come back again. So I was always in a dilemma as to
whether to take antidepressants. I would feel bad and start to think I would be better off taking them,
and start to feel a bit better and decide definitely not. Then it would come back again.
When I began to chart this, I realised that my symptoms peeked a lot prior to ovulation, and then a bit
before my period. Once I realised this, I felt I could cope better with the bad days, because I new they
would pass. Over time all the symptoms got better.
How do I make sense of what happened? I think my body went into overdrive after my daughter was
born – the adrenaline was racing and I never really got chance to calm down. My mother-in-law
visiting, as lovely as she is, was just one stress too far and my system went hyper. No sleep, fluctuating
hormone levels just added up a very unpleasant cocktail.
At the time this started, I had looked for a board like this – I was desperate to talk to someone. I guess
my concentration was poor, and I just couldn’t use the search engines properly, and I didn’t find
anything. But now I have found them, and thinking about trying for another baby, these boards have
been so helpful in building my confidence in coping in the future. I know the PND may come back
with a second baby, but at least I know there are other people out there who understand this, and are
willing to listen and offer some support.