The Bottom line SuMMEr 2008 | A PuBlICATIOn OF rBz, llP
Therapeutic Accounting easier for me to understand their desires. relationship with both of my natural
children for several years at different
I have had the same type of sessions
times. In the last several years, our
The Gift That with my wife, Harriet, regarding the
relationship has grown to a level higher
Keeps things that I could work on to be a better
than I had ever imagined was possible.
husband. Harriet has always been open
On Giving This past Father’s Day I received some
in these sessions and we initially found it
nice gifts from all four of my children (and
hard to find things to talk about (because
By Harvey A. Bookstein, CPA significant others). More importantly, I
I was so perfect). In one particular
Co-Founding Partner received some nice cards with very
session, however, she brought up the
Email: hbookstein@rbz.com personal meaningful words expressing
fact that she feels badly that she cannot
their love and respect for me. In particular,
As I have written in a prior newsletter, buy me gifts that I get very excited about.
I received from my son, Marc, a gift and,
I have never been able to emotionally She expressed the fact that I always
instead of a card, a typewritten note. I
receive gifts (or thank you’s) without want to give everyone around me gifts,
was, and still am, so moved by his words
great difficulty. Since I was a young and thank you’s as often as I can. I
(that were also reflected by my other
child, I have never felt good enough specifically give her many surprise gifts
children using different words) that I
to be “entitled” to receive gifts of any throughout the year in addition to other
wanted to share them with you. The note
sort. In some ways, receiving a gift special occasions such as birthdays and
read:
felt like a liability as I would have to be anniversaries.
appreciative whether I liked it or not. “I wanted to type this to ensure that you
She knows how much I enjoy “giving”
could read it. Dad… I have decided that
As part of my twelve plus years in therapy, and feels badly that she does not receive
for Father’s Day this year I would give you
one of the things that I have worked on the same feeling of “joy” in watching my
a really big gift. After thinking long and
was attempting to get to the root of what reaction when she gives me something.
hard I realized the only gift that you could
has caused this feeling. Although I have My therapist thought about it for a few
enjoy would be a gift for others. On that
certainly improved in accepting “gifts,” I seconds and responded as follows:
note, I would like to give YOU the option
still have a long way to go. Those who “Harvey’s giving you and others ‘things’ is
to buy ME a car, boat, jet, beach house,
know me well may not understand why an incredible gift that Harvey is receiving.”
motorcycle, or whatever else would make
I am this way, but they do not take it My therapist continued, “Based upon his
you happy.
personally any more as they may have at youth, ‘giving’ to others was his ‘secret’
one time. gift that he could receive without others All joking aside, I am happy to say that you
knowing that he received a fabulous gift.” are my father. You have done so much
In another prior newsletter, I wrote about
I learned the concept at an early age that for everyone in this family. I appreciate
how, on rare occasions, I had taken each
giving was really a way to receive. Even everything you do for me including the
of my children individually to my therapy
giving to charity is a gift you receive time we spend together… whether we
sessions to discuss what I needed to
because you feel great about what you are just hanging out, talking business, or
do to become a better “father” figure.
have done. talking about personal matters. I feel that
The purpose of these sessions was not
we have a mutual respect for one another
about my concerns or issues with them, As Harriet and I were walking out of
and I have never been happier with our
but to learn about their issues with me. my therapist’s office, I knew Harriet
relationship. I thank you for helping me
I used these sessions to develop some understood our discussion about “giving.”
become a better person with school and
information to work with for subsequent Harriet said to the therapist and me that
all my other life issues. It means a lot to
sessions aimed at helping me to achieve she wanted me to always be able to give
me that I can call you at any time and talk
my goal of trying to be the best that I her as many gifts as I wanted so that I
to you about ongoing problems that I have
could be in giving them what they felt could receive many gifts as well.
in my life. I only hope that our father-son
they needed (if I concurred with their
On a separate note, you may recall me relationship will continue to grow. Thanks
wishes). Hearing it from them directly,
writing in the past about me losing my for continuing to be there for me.”
in a safe environment for them, made it
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The Bottom line SuMMEr 2008 | A PuBlICATIOn OF rBz, llP
Maybe the reason material gifts meant
so little to me was that they were
always “things.” I cannot remember
hearing words of encouragement, love,
appreciation, etc., from my parents. That,
for me, would have been a great gift. As
you get older (and hopefully wiser), you
find that gifts from the heart are really
what is important. I now love getting the
gift of words, pictures and private time
together.
What better gift can one receive from
someone other than words that express
their feelings to you in a heartfelt way
and time together? For me, that is really
the gift that keeps on giving.
For questions about this article contact:
Harvey Bookstein | 310-478-4148 x416 |
hbookstein@rbz.com
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